The Persistence of Memory

By Shana Mavournin

Julia has a problem. Its name is Codeine. After a violent encounter with her abusive husband on Christmas Eve she is left battered, scarred, widowed and hooked on painkillers. During times of stress she starts to hide from her problems in a fantasy world created in her mind. Unfortunately, the spirit of h

• Language: English
• Publisher: IngramSpark
• Release date: Dec 25, 2023
• ISBN: 9798869065964

Shana Mavournin

Born in Lincoln, Nebraska, the author grew up with a love of books and had always wanted to become a writer. A long time resident of State College, Pennsylvania, she enjoys spending her time traveling with her husband, spending as much time as possible with her adult children, and cuddling with her two dogs.

Book preview

1

Early Monday morning:

Julia woke up with a pain she couldn't quite place. She glanced at the alarm clock on the bureau. Two-fourteen…when had she gotten in? Better question, how had she gotten home?

She crawled out of bed and trudged to the bathroom, flipped the switch and, when no light came on, remembered it had burnt out last week. No mind. This was her place after all, has been for over a year now, and with no one else in her way to mess things up she knew exactly where everything was.

She opened the medicine cabinet above the sink and pawed through the menagerie of plastic bottles on the top shelf. She knew just by feeling the tops of the bottles which was the one she wanted. The codeine was in the back, behind the Tylenol, Advil, Midol, and all the other over-the-counter remedies she never used but kept just the same for appearance sake. Addicts seldom keep their habits out for public view. Julia has had this particular monkey on her back for almost two years now and, quite honestly, had no desire to relieve herself of the burden. Without the codeine she might as well just end it all right here and now.

She seriously considered her numerous options once upon a time, on a near-daily basis. She didn’t have a gun, she abhorred pain of any kind so the razor was out, along with the noose. The only possibility was the pills, but she got a handle on those feelings a long time ago. Yet, sometimes, in the dark of night, those thoughts crept back, out of the recesses of her mind straight to the front and flashed there, neon in their audacity. The only way to shut them up was the blessed codeine. She popped two, downed with them with a handful of water from the tap, and turned to go back to bed, making a mental note to change the light bulb in the morning.

On her way out of the cramped bathroom she bumped her hip on the basin and the cold porcelain against her skin woke her fully with the realization that she was naked from the waist down. Julia never slept in the nude. Even though she lived alone, she always kept herself covered. With a sudden feel of unease she quickly ran her hands over her body, relief washing over her when she felt the oversized t-shirt hanging from her torso. Thank God for small favors! She couldn’t imagine what she would do if someone saw… well, it didn’t happen, so no worries. With one panic attack averted, the question was this: what had actually happened last night for her to be parading around the house half naked in the middle of the night?

Julia’s query was quickly answered when she climbed back into bed and a strong arm wrapped around her waist. Fighting a very strong urge to scream she glanced down at the man sprawled face-down on top of the covers. She was so focused on the freight train rumbling through her head she didn’t even notice the body lying next to her. She sat quietly for a while, inspecting the young man sleeping so peacefully in her bed, trying to remember who he might be. She couldn’t be certain for sure in the dark, but the tousled brown hair was vaguely familiar. She leaned in closer and smelled him, a sweetly masculine combination of sweat, sex, cigarettes, and Drakkar. She knew someone who wore Drakkar religiously. Could it be? As if on cue, he rolled towards her. Relief washed over her when she saw Derek’s face. She rolled out of bed again, searched the floor for her sweatpants, pulled them on and climbed back into bed.

Derek, wake up, she nudged him.

Huh? Wha? he stirred.

You have to go home. Now. Julia pushed him to the edge of the bed.

What are you talking about? Derek glanced at the

clock. It’s two in the morning, he moaned.

C’mon, get going, she urged him. You can’t stay here tonight. I have to get up early and I can’t sleep with you snoring, Julia lied, knowing full well Derek did not snore. If he had, she wouldn’t have been as startled to find him there.

Really Jules, it’s freezing out there! I’ll sleep on the couch if you don’t want me in here.

 I’ll see you in the office.

 Julia…

 Night. Julia rolled over and waited for Derek to leave.

Derek knew when to back off. This was one of those times. He got dressed, grabbed his keys, turned to kiss her goodbye, thought better of it, and left, totally flabbergasted about what just happened.

On the ride home Derek thought about Julia, what an enigma she turned out to be. He could tell there was something different about her from the first time they met, but tonight…tonight she just seemed so relaxed…so totally un-Julia, it caught him off guard. She had such a spark, always hidden beneath the surface, but most definitely there and tonight that spark exploded. Before tonight Derek had always carried a candle for Julia; now that candle has become a torch. Tonight he fell for her, hard, and he was pretty sure she felt the same. But now, sitting in his car outside his apartment building in the wee hours of morning, he wasn’t so sure. He seriously considered driving back across town and demanding an explanation then thought better of it.

Derek climbed out of his aging BMW and begrudgingly climbed the four flights of stairs to his apartment. He felt cold as he tossed his keys on the vestibule. He checked the thermostat… it was set at 70 degrees. He felt the heaters…they were warm and pinging their familiar tune as the heated water rushed through their pipes. Maybe he left a window open? No, they were all closed and locked. He stripped down to his boxers, slid under his down comforter and was half asleep before he realized why he was so cold. Derek left his heart with Julia, she kept him warm, and now that was gone. How could he have let this happen? He wasn’t the ‘love’ type. But… did he love her? Derek didn’t sleep that night.

Not until Julia heard Derek drive away could she relax enough to even think about sleep. She hated herself for allowing this to happen. She usually kept herself very guarded, prided herself on her tremendous self-control where men were concerned. How had this happened? She got up again and went back to the bathroom thinking she might get sick, hit the switch, stubbed her toe in the dark and cursed herself for not changing that infernal light bulb sooner. When her queasiness subsided she went to the medicine cabinet, downed two more pills, and went back to bed. Maybe now she could get some sleep. The codeine always helped her sleep, tonight would be no different. Not ten minutes after her second dose, Julia drifted off into dreamless sleep.

By the time she woke up at six-thirty, Derek was nothing more than a shadow lurking in the back of her mind. She thought she could just play off last night as nothing more than an affair, a one-time deal, if he confronted her at the office. Julia was very adept at keeping people at arm’s length; it’s a defense mechanism she’s perfected since her long term love affair with that swingin’ gigolo Codeine. Yeah, Derek should be no problem at all. She just had to remember what Dr. Marin taught her in therapy. It was her mantra that kept her going. She spoke the words aloud to her reflection in the mirror as she stood on the toilet and changed the light.

I am Julia Dearborn. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am…

2

Monday morning:

 …late.

 Sorry? Julia was startled out of her trance.

I said you were late, Miss Dearborn, her boss, Mr. Howard patiently explained. It’s not like you to be an hour late, especially on a Monday. You okay?

Oh, yeah, sorry Mr. Howard, Julia started. My alarm didn’t go off and I was just so exhausted I didn’t realize what time it was. It won’t happen again...word of honor. She raised her hand in a clumsy, mock boy-scout salute and tried on her most winning you’re-a-man-so-you’ll-eat-my-bullshit smile.

She knew this wasn’t entirely true. Her alarm clock didn’t go off, that much was true, but she didn’t really need it. Her internal alarm was set to go off at six-thirty every morning, whether she wanted to wake up or not.

Carl Howard seemed to consider this excuse for no more than a few seconds. I almost didn’t make it in myself. Between you and me, he leaned into her, not noticing her stiffen at his approach, I think I had one too many Tom Collins’. I hope I didn’t make myself look like too much of a fool last night, he confided.

Julia knew he had a thing for her, caught him glancing in her direction on more than one occasion. She was only 2 years older than his daughter and was rather disturbed at his leering, but at times such as this, she was damn thankful to have such a lecherous old fool for a boss. There were times when she felt like such a hypocrite; batting her lashes, flashing the million-dollar smile, even showing more cleavage than necessary, just to get her way, but as Mr. Howard talked at her breasts, all her scruples were brushed under the rug.

She forced a coy giggle and, with bile rising to her throat, laid a hand on his meaty forearm. Well… you did pull the old lampshade-on-the-head trick, she joked.

He laughed wildly at that. I wondered where that lampshade on my coat rack came from! I’ll let you slip by this time Julia, just try not to let it happen again. With a sly wink, he shuffled his way down the hall to his oversized corner office, chuckling at his lame little joke and shaking his head the whole way. As he turned into the doorway he turned back, pointed a finger toward Julia, raised it to his head and chortled, Lampshade! Ha! Julia couldn’t help but roll her eyes. She breathed a sigh of relief as his door closed behind him.

No one ever said Mr. Howard’s sense of humor was highly developed, but at least he had one. Julia had worked for some cantankerous bastards in her time. Compared to them, Carl was a breath of fresh air, even with the roaming eyes and inappropriate gestures.

Julia turned and walked quickly down to her much smaller office at the other end of the hallway, poured herself a cup of stale coffee on the way, sat behind her desk and closed her eyes. An hour late! Had she really been gone that long? She could barely remember the last time she had just blanked out like that. It used to happen all the time, but lately… she really thought she was getting her life back in order. She pressed the heels of her hands into her closed eyes, a stress-relieving method she used to use to hide from the pain of daily life. Sometimes she pushed so hard when she finally eased up her sight was distorted, or, at times, gone completely for a minute or so. Robbie used to tell her if she wanted to go blind he could arrange it for her. That usually snapped her out if it, temporarily at least. Today though, she just lightly massaged her closed eyes to help her focus of the previous night. When was the last time she ‘went away’ like that? She knew where she went when she blacked out, but she still didn’t know why she went there. Her therapist told her if she could figure out the why she could start to better control the when. So, why had it happen this time?

Think, Julia, think, she mumbled to herself. I had a few drinks at Bill’s retirement party. Did I get drunk? Hell, I must have been wasted to sleep with Derek, she mused.

Gee, I’m so flattered.

Julia jumped at the sound of the voice. She must have been pressing harder than she thought, because when she took her hands away from her eyes the tall, handsome figure of Derek Evans was overshadowed by dancing black and white stars.

Derek! I… I didn’t hear you knock.

I didn’t, he sulked. Your door was open.

Oh. Julia didn’t know what to say. She stared at Derek until he came into focus and the hurt on his face was almost too much to bear. I didn’t mean what I said. It came out wrong. Besides, I thought I was alone. Her final lame excuse fell to the floor with a shame she hadn’t felt in ages, a reaction she was both pleased and annoyed she still had. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.

Really. Well that’s good to know. I thought I might have to start toting around a mini bar anytime I felt like getting laid, Derek brooded.

His childish behavior was less than endearing to Julia and her previous feeling of shame quickly disappeared. She wasn’t one to be won over by good looks either… at least, not anymore. Too bad though, because Derek was most certainly what the women in the office liked to call ‘man-meat’ with his black-brown hair, clear blue eyes, and thousand-watt smile. In the old days, just a glance in her general direction from a man like Derek would make her weak in the knees and, most likely, she would go straight to his bed without a second thought. Maybe she reverted to her old ways when she had too much to drink. That’s something, Julia decided on the spot, she’ll have to keep a closer watch on.

Look, Derek, it’s nothing personal. I just don’t let anyone get close to me, she started to explain. Especially not close enough to sleep with.

 Derek wanted Julia to be part of his life, on more than just a professional level. She did things to him last night that he never dreamed possible. She was beautiful, intelligent, talented beyond all belief (at least in the bedroom) and she was a complete mystery to him. He knew that obscurity was directly tied to some major issues she had with men. He hung around the proverbial water cooler enough to pick up on the main gossip, but no one seemed to know what exactly had happened in her life before she came to work for the county social services office. Everyone had their theories though. Derek neither had the time nor the energy to waste on hearsay and assumptions. What he wanted was to get to know the real Julia. He thought maybe he could help her. He felt, somehow, that he needed to help her.

I don’t suppose you would care to explain why you’re so guarded? he questioned, trying with all his might to keep the sting out of his voice.

Somewhere deep down, a part of Julia she had never encountered screamed out "tell him! He’s a good man! He

won’t hurt you! For God’s sake, just tell him!" She had never even come close to telling any man about her past. She wasn’t about to start now. She closed her eyes and tried to block out this new and unwelcome voice raping her mind. As she opened her eyes she was astonished to see the genuine concern on Derek’s face. Something inside her felt like it was melting, or breaking, or maybe it was screaming to be let out.

She shook her head, I can’t Derek. Not now. I just can’t. I’m sorry. I won’t even ask you to try and understand because I know you can’t.

Derek was about to argue that she’d feel better if she just let it go, get it all off her chest, when he saw the look on her face and thought better of it. She seemed to have aged ten years since last night. How could he have missed that when he came in? Her beauty was still remarkable, but she looked so tired.

Okay, he told her with a strained smile. But Jules, if you ever want to talk…

I know where to find you, she ended, reaching over to lightly rap on the wall between her office and his.

You got it kiddo, he winked at her on his way out.

That small gesture, just the fall and rise of an eyelid, brought the answer to the question she’d been pondering when Derek came in. How could she have forgotten?

Joel, she whispered. I was with…

3

Nine months ago:

Joel Michaels was the first man Julia slept with since Robbie, which is somewhat ironic since Joel was also the man who took her virginity twelve years earlier. They met up again at their ten-year reunion. Julia dreaded the thought of going, reliving a past that was less than ideal, and nearly backed out at the last minute, but her therapist’s persistence was nagging her thoughts. Dr. Marin insisted that it would be good for her to go, get out amongst the living, have a couple drinks (but not to overdo it on the meds she was on), and maybe even dance a bit. With reluctance, she went.

To Julia’s pleasant surprise, it was pretty enjoyable once she got there. She had forgotten over the years that she had once been relatively popular. She was so happy to see all her old friends that, for that one night, she completely forgot who she was now and reverted seamlessly back to the old Julia. The fun-loving, wise-cracking, easy-going Julia. She liked the old Julia. She missed her.

She was having a laugh with some of her old girlfriends over her third or fourth Cosmopolitan when Joel came over, tipped her a wink, and asked her to dance. He was as handsome as she remembered, and didn’t look like he’d aged a day. His platinum-blonde hair was tied back neatly in a ponytail, just as he had worn in high school and his soft blue eyes were as piercing as ever. He held her tight as he swept her across the dance floor, a sultry tango they had once shared at their junior prom, and he didn’t let her go for the rest of the evening. His arms felt good wrapped around her. He was familiar and safe. Joel never punched her in the kidneys or pushed her down the stairs. He never handcuffed her to the bed and threatened sodomy with a golf club. Joel was gentle and kind, and what’s more, she trusted him. Julia was so certain that her trust in anyone, men especially, had been wiped away. This renewed connection with Joel caught her completely by surprise, and she wasn’t scared. It was no surprise to anyone there that night that Julia and Joel left the reunion together.

They went from the reunion to Franco’s, a little pub down the street where they found a booth in the back, ordered a couple of drinks, and caught up on the last decade. Julia mostly listened as Joel told her about law school, how he had passed the bar on the first try, how he never married but came close