Awakening: To Wake and Sleep No More, #1

By Ngozi Robinson

Awakening is the story of faith, grief, and a supernatural calling. Sheila Orly Montoya has it all until her mother—her best friend—dies suddenly. Now her gorgeous husband, dream job, and spiritual life are all in disarray. When her long-deceased grandfather appears as her guide, Sheila is sure she cannot do what is asked of her and rejects her destiny. In the midst of feeling broken and forsaken, will Sheila find the strength to awaken to who she truly is?

• Language: English
• Publisher: I AM Publications
• Release date: Aug 2, 2022
• ISBN: 9781943382095

Book preview

DEDICATION

To Ma, 1947 – 2002

Table of Contents

DEDICATION

Prologue  THE MISTS

Part One  GONE

Chapter One  Death

Chapter Two  The Calls

Chapter Three  Preparations

Chapter Four  The Funeral

Part Two  AFTER

Chapter Five  Next

Chapter Six  Nightmares

Part Three  NEVER HOME AGAIN

Chapter Seven  Home

Chapter Eight  Work

Part Four  FATED

Chapter Nine  Oxygen

Chapter Ten  I Quit

Chapter Eleven  Fallout

Chapter Twelve  Couples Fight

Part Five  RUNNING

Chapter Thirteen  Sweat

Chapter Fourteen  Raines Home Alone

Chapter Fifteen  Apology

Chapter Sixteen  Home Again

Part Six  GODLESS

Chapter Seventeen  Plying the Trade

Chapter Eighteen  Ooey Gooey

Chapter Nineteen  The Shrine Room

Chapter Twenty  Grandad

Chapter Twenty-One  Refusal

Chapter Twenty-Two  Distractions

Chapter Twenty-Three  The Gallery

Chapter Twenty-Four  Hotep

Chapter Twenty-Five  Romona

Chapter Twenty-Six  Pandora’s Box

Part Seven  CONFESSIONS AND DESPAIRS

Chapter Twenty-Seven  Happy Raines

Chapter Twenty-Eight  Little Fires

Chapter Twenty-Nine  Jasmin

Chapter Thirty  Home Life

Chapter Thirty-One  Equally Yoked

Chapter Thirty-Two  Haile

Chapter Thirty-Three  A Day Off

Part Eight  CURSED WITH A CURSE

Chapter Thirty-Four  The Labyrinth

Chapter Thirty-Five  Tainted

Part Nine  HERE SPEAKS THE COMFORTER

Chapter Thirty-Six  Sisters

Chapter Thirty-Seven  Exorcised

Chapter Thirty-Eight  Recovery

Part Ten  THE END OF THE ROPE

Chapter Thirty-Nine  Leaving

Chapter Forty  The Conference

Chapter Forty-One  The Chase

Chapter Forty-Two  The Presentation

Chapter Forty-Three  Complications

Chapter Forty-Four  Jump

Epilogue  AWAKE

Prologue

THE MISTS

Cathy floated through a white mist, sensing nothing.

Daddy? Her voice faded as the mist swept by her, a raging, silent torrent.

Child. Her father’s voice answered, So soon. This I did not see.

Cathy looked around but was surprised to see nothing. Even when she looked where her own body should be, she saw only mist.

Where am I, Daddy? Her voice faded as soon as she thought the words.

While you are here, you shape yourself.

The shapeless dimension, Cathy thought. She had always wanted to know this place, but travelling to afterlife dimensions had always been too dangerous for her.

Cathy allowed herself to remember her death, its circumstances. She remembered her physical life in the I dimension. She remembered.

Daddy who is keeping the gate? I spun a block but it was weak. I think I was dying when I did it. Spotty details flooded in, It won’t last—She’s not ready Daddy. She doesn’t even know. I thought I had so much time.

Cathy, come with me. You are to be a Watcher.

A Watcher. A Watcher in the Unmoved dimension. Cathy had wanted that for countless lives. She floated toward the formless source of her father’s voice. She remembered.

Daddy, who watches?

There is no one to watch the gate. Silence seemed to thunder.

Sheila. Sheila can…

This is no longer your path. The mist seemed to grow denser, pulling her toward it. Sheila is on her path. And she may yet take her place. Her fear may not bind her forever. But it is not for your energies to dwell there. That is her path.

You seemed much more caring before. Cathy felt his acceptance flowing through her, becoming her. I wish her well. She flowed toward her father’s voice, the last vestiges of emotion flooding from her. Father, the gate. Who watches? It seemed to her she had not asked that question.

The mists stilled. She stopped. Cathy sensed her father’s voice moving away.

"I see you are not to be a Watcher. Not yet, child. Your physical world holds you tight. Take care daughter. Some things are not to be trifled with from these dimensions. You are dead in the I dimension. And there are bonds on you. Do not damage the thing you are trying to save.

Know that I stand ready. Should Sheila ever open the door, I will be as I was for you, as my momma was for me. The hints of a smile, of pleasure, seemed to enter his voice. A voice that, more and more, seemed a million miles away.

Goodbye Daddy.

Silence answered Cathy’s farewell. And she was already turning away from her father’s voice. She couldn’t stay here forever. The shapeless dimension was not for dallying, and she had already spent so much time here.

There was much to do. And time passed differently here. She would not know the difference until she touched the I dimension. Her touch had to be light onto that world. Lighter than God’s breath. As she rushed towards the edge of the shapeless dimension, she prayed that all was not lost. Everything depended on Sheila.

Part One

GONE

Chapter One

Death

Sheila was tired. In the last few days, she had slept an hour each night. Perhaps. And what little sleep she did have was restless, full of dreams of running down dark and empty halls, terrified of someone that she could not see chasing her. But that dream was nothing new. She was always running from something in her dreams.

Now there was nothing to do but rest. They had all gone. And nothing was left now but a huge mess, tons of food, and her own grief. Mom was gone, and she just didn’t know how to act. Her life was incomplete, and she was alone. She was 28 and now an orphan.

She heard noise outside her room. Raines was trying to creep silently in an old house. The floorboards had given him away at least half a dozen times in the last few days. He had made it all the way to the bedroom and was staring at her, both timid and commanding at the same time. She supposed that was one of the reasons why she had married him.

I liked what you said at the burial site. I felt like it really captured her, and I’m sure she was proud. Raines rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to hold off tears. He and Cathy had had their own special kinship, a fact that irked Sheila sometimes. But it was inevitable. Everyone could not help but to love Ma.

She tried to let his words wash over her unheard. He was not supposed to be here. He made her feel like she wanted to cry. She had been the one holding everything together. She could not afford to weep as she wanted to since…well, since this whole mess started.

i

she had never seen her mother so sad

her unshed tears shone and seemed to fill up the whole world

what had pushed her down that hill?!

her last moments filled with pain

a daughter looking on in helpless terror

searching frantically for a way to make this all go away

searching for a way to open up a pattern in reality and go back in time

just a few moments

a way to change places

i

She was glad Raines was there. She was suddenly aware of herself wrapped in his arms, wracked with tears she had not known were coming. Tears she had feared would never come. The last few days hammered in her mind, weights pulling her down as she drowned. She was tired.

i

They were in some secluded part of Carderock Falls at the crack of dawn to offer morning prayers. Sheila had been singing her heart out, competing with the birds for primacy. Who else was here to mind so early on a weekday? She twirled until she grew dizzy, and her laughter turned to breathlessness. This was her morning glory at its finest. Had it not been so cold, she would have been tempted to get naked. She loved feeling free as she danced before the Lord.

She looked back at her mom and saw no one. That was just like Ma to get distracted or go off on a different trail. She decided she wouldn’t let it dampen her spirits. As she backtracked to find where her mom had wandered off, she thought of how in the moment she must have been to have not noticed where Ma had gone. Ma usually liked to take Sheila on her diversions when they were together. They were both such free spirits, there was no fixed pattern to their ways. But when she noticed the disturbed earth near the edge of the trail that dropped into a deep gorge, her carefree thoughts turned to anxiety. She followed the skid lines to the bottom of the gorge, to her mother’s broken and lifeless body.

Her ragged screams brought no one, so she finally had to stop. It was a waste of energy she didn’t have. She hoisted her mother’s light frame over her shoulder and stood. Her face was stuck in a horrified silent scream. She was carrying her mother’s dead body.

Scrambling up rocks and, by overwhelming force of will and need alone, managing not to drop her mother, she finally reached the trail. It was hours after they had arrived, but it felt colder. She was freezing to her core. Looking around she still saw no one. She began walking to the car, thinking necessary thoughts. Would they blame her for this? Should she have left Mom at the bottom of the gorge, as evidence of an accident? They would ask her how she had fallen in a place she had been dozens of times, and she would not know! Fear, not grief, started to fill her.

She was making a mistake. There was a better way to do this. She just had to find it. Mom would say she had to allow the answer to reveal itself. She lay her mother down in front of a tree. As she straightened, she realized her body was shaking with tension. She turned away towards the waterfall. Its beauty was cruel. Nothing was coming to her. No mystical answer was coming. Her body felt like it was about to sink into the earth.

A lizard sped past her feet. She gasped. Why would a lizard be here in the middle of winter? She shook her head. Everything was confusing and her ears were starting to ring with cold. She had lost her hat on the way up. There was no other way. Taking her mother to get help was the only solution. It was just harder. It made an impossible thing even more trying.

She wanted to run away from the hilltop shrieking. But it wouldn’t solve anything and she would probably just fall and die too. That possibility held a faint glimmer of appeal. Ending it all would be wonderful. But then again, she might just break bones and be lying in pain and grief for hours. There was no other way. She picked up her mother and headed for the car. Somehow she seemed heavier, more dense than before. Inside she beat back tears and steeled herself for what was to come.

Chapter Two

The Calls

Now, in the safety of Raines’ arms, with not another soul in earshot and no more pressing arrangements to be made, she cried those tears she had been stuffing away since that day.

Nothing after that morning had been as impossible as that scramble up the hill and trek to the car. But it had come close. Park police had not questioned her too hard. She supposed they had seen the grief on her face and known there was no foul play. The ranger at the gate, Joanne, had let her sit inside the heated kiosk and drink coffee until the ambulance and park officers arrived. She must have downed eight cups, and she had still felt like she might faint at any moment. It was six at night and completely dark by the time she had left Carderock Falls. And on the drive home she knew sleep, much less rest, was an eternity away.

She hated the calling. Black people put big stock in spreading the word. Call and response. She had to let everyone know what had happened. It was their right. It was a ritual. And everyone was so many. Aunts, uncles, cousins, friends. Worst of all, two sisters, both a lifetime away from that morning. If she hadn’t had been so completely exhausted, she would not have done it. But her mind had gone hours ago by necessity. She could not afford to feel or examine anything. Best to just do the thing that had to be done. Mourning would come later; it always did.

She gripped her phone so tightly that the thought occurred she might break it. She forced her hand to relax, and it ached. She put her clasped hands to her head and forced herself to take a few slow, deep breaths. God, she strained at the name and was surprised at the anger that flared up. She blew out a breath. It seems I’m angry at God, Sheila said to no one in particular. She tried again, God, I know we’re not right at the moment. But I need you now. Make this task less impossible somehow. You put me in this situation, she said bitterly. Now get me through it. She waited a moment to see if any other words would come. Amen.

i

Aunt Rachel, there’s been an accident. I need you to sit down. Is Uncle Joe there? He needs to pick up the phone too. By the time she made this call, she had developed a protocol. Get another person on the phone who she knew wouldn’t erupt in tears. Someone who could hear all the information so she wouldn’t have to repeat herself too many times. Ma died today. She fell down a hill hiking and her injuries overwhelmed her. I was there. There was nothing anyone could have done. She didn’t suffer. She was living a dulled existence. It was still hard. I need you to come. Please fly down and I can pick you up. Just let me know the flight information and I’ll be there. Aunt Rachel had wanted every last detail, and she wrung them out in between her sniffles and tears. Sheila was used to it. That didn’t make it any easier.

When Sheila hung up the phone it was after one in the morning, and she still had the two hardest calls to make. Why had she left the hardest for last?

Paribas et Banque National de Paris. Est-ce que je peux vous aider?

Bonjour. Je voudrais parler avec Corinne Orly. Her French was far too rusty.

Corinne Orly? Ah Oui. Un moment s’il vous plaît.

Merci beaucoup.

Corrine Orly.

Hi Corinne, it’s Sheila. I need to talk…

Oh Sheeeiiila! Hi! It’s been forever. Are you finally going to come see me? You have to make time Sheila. There’s soo much I can show you. With your French you’ll fit right in. If you remember any after all this time. Oh God it feels good to speak English! Tell me everything girl, leave nothing out. But do it in five minutes, I’ve got some managers in Tokyo to get in line. Well, don’t you have anything to say?

Mom died today. It was unforgivable, to put it to her like that. But she honestly didn’t know when she was going to get another chance to speak. Corinne kept a fast pace.

What! Come on, I just talked to her. She’s fine. I’m trying to convince her to come over here for the summer, so I was trying to get her to clear her schedule. And she said, ‘why not now?’ Doesn’t that sound just like her? She likes to be in the wind girl…So what are you talking about? Don’t be stupid. And see now, you’ve used up half of my five minutes talking about this. I ought to hang up on you right now. Why are you calling me during the week anyway? The rates are through the roof now. And you’re lucky you caught me here. You couldn’t have known I was in early today. My day doesn’t start until 8 if I can manage it. Life is for living, not stupid jokes. You really need to grow up. I’ve got to go, you’ve used up your time. But call me next week when you get your act together. I love hearing from you. Takes me back to our summers on the farm when you used to gab, gab, gab. Oh! Time is getting away from me. I have got to talk to these managers before they leave town. Listen, call me next week ok? We have got to stay more in touch, you know. And tell Jasmin I said hi when you talk to her. I haven’t been able to reach her for a while. It’s like I’m having an affair with her answering machine or something. I can’t keep calling halfway around the world and striking out. So you call her and tell her to call me! Humph. You’d think we weren’t all sisters or something. Tell her hi and she better call me too! Listen, I’ve got to go. Call me soon, ok? Bye—Je vous embrace ma petite puce!

Sheila stared at the phone and let it sink in. She had managed about ten words in that call. And had she called her ‘my little flea’? How had Ma ever let Corrine get like that? She would have to have Jasmin tell her, if she could get a word in edgewise. Looking at the low battery percentage on her phone, she got up to look for a charger. She had chosen to make her calls from the basement in seclusion. She felt like she weighed a million pounds as she dragged herself up the stairs and stood, staring in shock.

i

Raines had been home when she had gotten in from the park. She had sunk straight into his arms and was on the verge of letting her tears rush out of her. Without a word he pulled away. He was reading and it was always impossible to tear him away from a good book.

Six foot two with a muscular build, he always seemed to choose clothes that would accentuate that physique, hugging his body at all the right places to attract the eye, even though he denied that was his goal. His olive complexion and strong features spelled out gorgeous to her, and any other woman that saw him for that matter. She had to admit, her mouth had certainly watered a bit the first time she met him, though they had both been too proud to admit how attracted they had been to each other at first.

But what was really most noticeable about Raines was his confidence, he wore it like a suit he had been born in, just shrugged on naturally and exerted without effort. That and his hands, which were always roaming, gesturing, touching the objects and textures around him. Her little Lord Fauntleroy with ADD, as she had called him in the beginning to tease him, and still used occasionally when he really got on her nerves. What was she going to do with him?

It’s still kind of early, but I’m starving, Raines had said, eyes still on his book. Do you feel like cooking something or should I…What’s wrong? He had finally looked at her.

I couldn’t reach you. I had a really hard day, and I couldn’t reach you. Can I please…Ma died, and I have to call people and I couldn’t reach you! She wrestled away from him as he tried to hold her. Don’t touch me. Just leave me alone. Please.

She wasn’t in the mood. Oh, he would be all wonderful now that he knew. But it was the first impression that mattered. He had pulled away. He did that all the time. But tonight she just couldn’t let it slide. After a wooden recitation of what had happened that day, it seemed she was getting used to retelling her tragedy, she stormed out of the den to the basement and locked the door behind her.

i

That had been hours ago. Now, Raines was in the kitchen wearing her apron and had apparently cooked everything in sight. The house smelled amazing. He could cook something besides those frozen instant meals in bags when he put his mind to it.

When my aunt died you cooked for me. I hope everything came out right. And I’m sorry about before. I should pay more attention to you. What can I do? He was looking incredible with that apron hugging him. But she was still mad. He had bad timing. She couldn’t afford to be soft now, to feel things. She would drown in her feelings if she dared let them out.

I still need to call Jasmin. I called Corinne but she didn’t believe me about Ma. Could you call her? Tell the operator it’s a family emergency because she’s in a meeting with some managers or something now. I’ll put this food away if you wash all those pots. Before she had even stopped speaking she was pulling out Tupperware and plastic wrap. She had to keep moving. She had the feeling that if she stopped moving she would dissolve.

I cooked this for you. Why are you putting it away? He wrapped his hands around hers as she was wrapping a dish in aluminum foil. She jerked away. If she let him touch her she would break down. And there was still so much to do.

It’s the middle of the night. No one is eating now. Now just please call Corinne and then clean this up. I’ve got so much to do and I would appreciate your help. Sheila stopped for a moment and took a deep breath. She realized she sounded like his supervisor. Thank you for cooking all this and not disturbing me.

Oh I tried, traces of a smile started to paint his face, but I saw the door was locked. I thought about breaking it down, but with you already mad at me…Well, I value my life, that’s all. So I thought I would do something to make you feel good. He was putting on his best smile, and it was already starting to melt her. It wasn’t fair that he was so charming, when he wanted to be. I love you, and I’m here for you. He held out his hand and put on his puppy dog face.

She smiled and took his hand for a moment. It felt right. He looked so gratified. She went back to storing the food.

So I’ll make the call and bust these dishes. Then you have to talk to me. You’re not alone, I can help you. We make a good team.

She nodded her head. He had wrapped his arms around her and was rubbing her back. She almost stopped to relax into the moment. But she felt everything slipping away. Pushing him away, she grabbed a charger from a drawer and walked towards the basement stairs. Buzz me when you’ve reached Corrine. She locked the door and leaned up against it. Her head was killing her. All that coffee must be catching up with her. And there was still so much to do.

i

After an endless night that seemed at last to be over, Sheila was dragging herself to bed. She glanced at herself in the hallway mirror on the way upstairs and came to a stop. She couldn’t remember when she had looked so bad. Her normally well made-up honey brown face was looking ashen and haggardly. Her usually engaging almond shaped eyes were glassy dark brown pupils staring blankly back at her. She normally approved of her somewhat angular features, but now everything seemed too pronounced; the nose too sharp, the lips too thin and straight—none of their normal mischief shining through—cheekbones too high, jaw lines too pointed and severe. Her straightened brown hair, which she took meticulous care in styling so that it looked like it was glowing with not a hair out of place, hung like straw down to her shoulders in disarray.

She grimaced a little