Boing-The Half-Ogre

By Nathan A. Fisk

Death is having a mid-life crisis. His solution Kill everyone and maybe learn to enjoy life again, of course. The Gods believe that he's taking things a little too far and look for some heroes to save the world. Unfortunately the best they could come up with were Boing: the Half-Ogre, Fragdoobly the wizard, and Frog. Join three madcap companions on a witty adventure in a hilarious fantasy world. Enter a land where demons specialize in the torture style of being boring. Where rulers of the land yearn to be digested so they can experience the joys of excretion. Where goblins elect leaders based on how much they can eat, and an ogre's most dangerous weapon is his scent. It is an epic tale which begins (and ends) in a pigsty. Boing: The Half-Ogre is a 360 page fantasy-comedy. If you are looking for a clever, funny take on the fantasy genre, then look no further. It is one of those reading experiences that ends too soon. Well written, quick, and witty.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Mar 31, 2011
• ISBN: 9781257317677

Book preview

Chapter One

‘The secret to a good book is in the Beginning.’

- Moses -

Fragdoobly stood in a food shop, his teeth clenched in anger. Before him stood the store’s keeper, smiling with satisfaction. Both men had been arguing for several minutes over the price of the store’s food rations. Fragdoobly maintained that the rations were worth only two copper blits because they were bland, tasteless lumps that smelled like they had been soaking in a water trough. The storekeeper maintained that they were worth ten gold bleens because Fragdoobly was a jerk.

Fragdoobly smiled as winsomely as he could with clenched teeth through his flowing white beard and moustache. ‘Surely you can understand that ten bleens is far too exorbitant a price. I could make a fair bid on buying your whole shop for that amount. What say you accept the generous price of six blits for these flavorsome foodstuffs?’ Fragdoobly took pains to avoid thinking of the actual flavor the foodstuffs brought to mind when looking at them.

‘Hmmmm,’ said the shopkeeper, running a large hand over his many chins of fat. ‘Perhaps I could lower the price down to four...’

‘Four blits. How generous of you!’ cried Fragdoobly, hurling his arms up into the air.

‘...bleens,’ finished the shopkeeper.

Fragdoobly slouched. ‘Good sir, if you will remember, the last time I was here you sold food to me for only two blits.’

‘Oh, I remember the last time you were here all right,’ said the storekeeper with a frown. ‘You threatened to lay a curse of stupidity on me.’

‘I see it worked!’ snarled Fragdoobly.

‘Then you said you would fry my fat in Death’s Acidic Pits before you paid my outlandish prices...’

‘And your belly is in sore need of such a trimming,’ countered Fragdoobly.

‘And when I finally sold my wares for two blits you still called me a thief and set fire to my apron!’

Fragdoobly became all smiles again. ‘My friend, we could argue over the past until Death’s Acidic Pits overflow. I came to Sanka a month ago and I’m sick of this town. I can’t afford a horse and the closest city is two weeks away on foot. I need food to make it that far, and four bleens is too much for me to pay.’

‘How unfortunate for you. I have the only shop in town that sells food fit for travelling.’

‘Fit is a generous description. Surely you could lower the price for an old friend?’

‘I should raise it to eight bleens.’

‘I should burn down your shop with you in it!’

‘If giving you a discount speeds you away from our city then we will both be happier. I suppose I could let you have the rations at the reasonable fee of a mere steel clunk,’ said the shopkeeper, smirking.

‘Yes,’ mocked Fragdoobly, ‘I suppose you could.’

‘Done then,’ said the keeper, handing over a bag of food to Fragdoobly.

Defeated, Fragdoobly handed over the money. ‘Its larceny, but I must pay it,’ he said.

‘Thank you for shopping in my store of fine foods,’ said the keeper, motioning Fragdoobly to the door of the small wooden shop.

Fragdoobly paused at the door and turned to the merchant. ‘What is your name, good sir?’ he asked, his voice kind and courteous.

The keeper was taken aback for a moment by the polite formality, but soon replied, ‘I am Oleo, good sir.’

‘Oleo,’ said Fragdoobly with gravity, ‘you stink.’ The wizard turned and exited the shop. Oleo stood silent for a moment, his face full of confusion, and then sniffed himself.

Outside of Oleo’s Shop of Fine Foods, two peasants stood at their ease chatting. They leaned on a large cart of vegetables that displayed varying stages of freshness. The cart’s owner often sold his vegetables here, hawking his produce as a palatable supplement to Oleo’s bland baked goods. He and his friend would often fill their idle time by discussing their town’s political and social problems. The fact that there were so many of these problems meant they always had plenty to discuss.

Laws, methods of government, local livelihoods, and pastimes differed tremendously from city to city in the land of Gurasticken. The result was a vast patchwork of diverse societies. The differences between the city-states also bred a certain degree of competitiveness. Clever citizens in almost every city-state could become fabulously wealthy by publishing indexed lists of insults about their neighbors.

The city of Sanka, where Oleo’s Shop of Fine Foods resided, was lowly in the sight of almost every other city-state in the land. It was little more than a village with wide fens to the south and a dark forest to the west. The buildings were ugly and shabby. The streets were muddy and disorganized. Appropriately, the citizens of Sanka were ugly, shabby, muddy, and disorganized people. Whether the city itself made the citizens ugly, shabby, muddy, and disorganized or vice-verse is a matter of constant debate among historians.

The locals subsisted by farming the swampy countryside, but Sanka did have a few inns and several large swine ranches. The swineherds watered their pigs at a fountain in Sanka’s town square. This practice, combined with the livestock’s odor, made Sanka’s suburbs the locale of choice for visitors. The emissions from the town square at mid-day had the ability to kill insects and would induce nausea with prolonged exposure (an effect to which Sankans are curiously immune). This particular trait gave rise to an unofficial slogan that travelers gave the town: Sanka stinks.

Sanka was under the rulership of a potentate assigned by the regional Fighters guild. But the potentate was not a fixed position. Instead, the guild used Sanka to discipline its mid-level leaders. Members that came into disfavor were shunted to Sanka in order to learn a lesson. This custom meant that Sanka rarely had a congenial ruler. In fact, most of them were quite grumpy.

However, the citizenry of Sanka didn’t care much about their potentate or his emotional health. Each new potentate had a different opinion on how to fix Sanka’s many peculiarities. This kept Sankan laws in a constant state of flux, and even the guards were uncertain as to what laws were in effect at any given time. The citizens of Sanka took greedy advantage of this fact and grafted money at every possible chance.

The greediness of the citizens made Sanka doubly unlikable for travelers; it was well known as a terrible clip city. Inns, food, and even lavatory services were quite expensive. Travelers made a regular habit of mocking the citizens of Sanka. The Sankans just smiled and quadrupled their prices if the travelers needed to buy anything.

The two peasants outside Oleo’s shop were discussing these very matters. As Sankans, their loyalty rested with their town despite it being stench ridden, overpriced, and under governed.

‘By the Gods, it angers me so!’ said one peasant. ‘Just because we’ve a few minor problems as a city, we’re looked upon as inferior and stupid. It’s not right!’

‘I agree!’ said the other peasant. ‘Why just the other day a travelling merchant looked at my vegetable wares and said, Your goods stink worse than your city. I’ll stand for it no longer!’

‘You’re right! We citizens of Sanka will no longer endure humiliation, and the unjust remarks of wandering fools!’

‘The next time I hear someone say, Sanka stinks I’ll pelt them with my rotten vegetables!’

‘Hear, hear!’

At that moment Fragdoobly stomped out of Oleo’s Shop of Fine Foods, looked around for a moment, and shouted at the top of his lungs, ‘SANKA STINKS!’

Later at his room in The Ranky Shavings inn Fragdoobly sat and picked assorted vegetable leaves and seeds from his beard.

‘I tell you Frog, I have not had a moment of good fortune since I lost my standing in the Wizards guild.’

‘Yeth bozz,’ Frog agreed, for he was an agreeable person.

Frog was a small man, about five feet in height. His large hunchback contributed to his diminutive appearance so that he looked almost a dwarf. He was not a pretty man either. He had an off-center face, several obvious warts, and limbs that seemed more like twisted branches than arms or legs. His sandy hair was thin and lank. His leather clothes were old and weather-stained.

But Frog was a skilled member of the Thieves guild. His looks belied his quickness and dexterity, allowing him to thieve almost unnoticed. His speech had an odd lisp and he only occasionally spoke in sentences longer than two or three words. People often mistook him for a beggar or an idiot. But Fragdoobly treated Frog with respect, and the two men long ago formed a beneficial partnership. This was partly because Frog’s miniscule ability to communicate was overcompensated by the wizard’s big mouth.

Frog gave the wizard a quizzical look, for Fragdoobly sat looking at the wall - not saying a word. Usually the wizard was so vocal and loud that people would offer him money just to shut up.

‘Bozz?’ questioned Frog.

‘Frog, I spent the last of our money on some rations today. Its time we made for another city-state before we’re stuck here forever. We have got to get some regular work soon or we’ll both end up on the streets.’

Frog looked down at his hands and mimed picking his own pocket.

‘We can’t keep stealing money to get by. Sooner or later we’ll be caught. The city guards already know me by sight. They’ve been watching me all the time since I slipped that sickness potion into the captain of the guard’s ale last week.’

Frog grinned at the memory of the captain drinking his ale, instantly turning green with nausea, and then sinking in a retching heap to the floor. The captain (like so many others) had taken an instant dislike to Fragdoobly upon first meeting him. The wizard responded in kind and the sickness potion incident was only one of several minor clashes he had experienced with the law in Sanka.

‘Anyway,’ continued Fragdoobly, ‘if we can find a city where the Wizards guild is a little out of touch, maybe I can get an assignment. Then we can get out of this monetary pickle we’re in.’

Fragdoobly lost his standing in the Wizards guild right after he arrived in Sanka. He and Frog came to the town because Fragdoobly overheard a guild rumor that said Sanka was a good place to get full-paying assignments. An unfortunate head cold however caused Fragdoobly to mishear the rumor, which actually said that Sanka had painful assignments.

Fragdoobly arrived in Sanka with limited funds and visited the Wizards guild to get one of the full paying jobs. He got a bevy of loud laughter instead. To make matters worse the clerk was Fragdoobly’s old guild roommate, and they had not got on well during apprenticeship. Instead of offering him an assignment, the clerk (a portly wizard named Gackleferz) demanded Fragdoobly’s monthly guild dues. Fragdoobly was unable to pay, and this temporarily revoked his status in the guild until he could raise the funds he needed.

The wizard tried to reinstate himself in the guild, but Sanka’s expensive and competitive environment made the effort difficult. Until he paid his dues, he was not allowed to receive any assignments from guild halls in any of Gurasticken’s city-states. Fragdoobly now owed the guild almost eight bleens and no one in Sanka would offer a job that could come close to that amount. His income had been limited to a few weird requests that even he was embarressed to be a party to.

Frog agreed that they should leave, but he couldn’t believe there was any other city-state in Gurasticken that could be less in touch than Sanka. Still, a larger city would have more loose money to steal, he thought. Fragdoobly would have a better chance of finding independent work until he paid off his debt. At the very least, another city would be a lot more pleasant to live in than Sanka.

‘Leth go bozz!’ said Frog, grabbing his limited possessions: a short sword, a dagger, a pack full of miscellaneous thieving tools and clothes, and some money he had squirreled away for emergencies.

‘Not quite yet Frog,’ said Fragdoobly, rising up in a dramatic pose. ‘I intend to make one last attempt to secure money here before I give up. I refuse to be defeated by a hamlet of pig-farmers! ’ Frog sighed. For a moment he had actually believed Fragdoobly was willing to give up the battle in Sanka without one last-ditch attempt to save face. He really should have known better.

Fragdoobly gathered his stylish blue robes about himself and cast an intense glance at Frog. ‘My powers have not diminished despite my indigent circumstances! I shall yet obtain the wealth I need to make our lives easy again!’

Frog rolled his eyes and said, ‘Yeth bozz,’ in as patronizing a tone as he could manage. As far as Frog could recall, Fragdoobly had never once by dint of his powers made their lives any easier.

Fragdoobly raised his hands in a mystic gesture and stood up on one leg, spinning in a small circle. ‘Subditus me!’ recited the wizard in a stage voice. Suddenly there was a flaccid wheeze followed by billows of obscuring black smoke that filled the room with a sickening carrion stench.

When the smoke cleared Frog gasped to see that Fragdoobly had changed. His white beard and moustache were now raven black with streaks of gray. His blue robe had altered in hue to a bright red and white striped affair. Only his hat remained the same – a tall, gaudy cone of blue cloth.

‘There,’ said the wizard in triumph. ‘With this disguise I can get an assignment at the guild branch. If everything works out I will repay my debt to the guild within the week.’

‘Hat bozz,’ said Frog, pointing. The wizard’s disguise was not foolproof since the hat was still the same.

‘Flippant fuchsia fens of fat faun flops,’ swore Fragdoobly, pulling his hat off and looking at it with a frown. ‘I’ve never been able to get the hat right. My trainers said it was because I had a swollen head. That’s nonsense of course.’

‘Yeth bozz,’ said Frog, privately congratulating Fragdoobly’s trainers on an accurate analysis.

The wizard put the hat back on his head with a shrug. ‘Well, it’s only my hat. Who could notice that?’

A loud knock at the door to their room caused Fragdoobly and Frog to start. Fragdoobly crossed the room and opened the door, revealing the small, thin body of the innkeeper. He was a weasel-like man who delighted in chiseling his customers for every possible blit he could manage. Fragdoobly had gotten on the innkeeper’s bad side early on in their acquaintance with his loud comments about the inn’s general lack of decent food, service, bedding, and - especially - management.

The innkeeper looked at Fragdoobly for a moment in surprise. ‘Is that you? I almost didn’t recognize you. Lucky that ugly hat was on or I might not have figured out who you were.’

Fragdoobly stuck out his chin in annoyance. ‘What do you want, good sir?’ he asked while motioning the innkeeper inside and making rude gestures when he wasn’t looking.

‘Did you just cast a spell a few seconds ago?’ asked the keeper as he surveyed the room for damages to charge for.

‘Uh. Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t,’ said the wizard.

‘Yeth bozz,’ nodded Frog.

‘I thought so,’ said the innkeeper. ‘Some of the tenants in the adjoining rooms are complaining about the smell. I don’t blame them. It smells like something died in here.’ He gave Frog a pointed look.

‘Yes, well so what? It’s not like your tenants aren’t used to bad smells here in Sanka,’ snapped Fragdoobly. ‘Charge them for the time you’ve spent harassing us and get out.’

‘Don’t worry; I will. But there is another matter. According to the lease agreement you signed coming in here you must vacate this premises. Magic is strictly forbidden to wizards Not-In-Standing within these walls.’ The innkeeper waved the rental contract in Fragdoobly’s face. The wizard snatched it and began to read. Sure enough, there was a clause forbidding magic to any wizard not in current standing with the Wizards guild hidden in a subparagraph titled You Don’t Have To Read This Section.

‘Vacate!’ shouted Fragdoobly. ‘We just paid for a week’s rent. I demand we be allowed that time or that you give us a refund.’

‘Tough,’ gloated the innkeeper. ‘I have no legal reason to offer you a week’s notice, refund your room deposit, meal deposit, or your last week’s rent after you have violated your agreement. Get your stuff and get out.’

Fragdoobly strode up to the innkeeper with a threatening look. ‘And do you,’ he said, examining the keeper’s slight musculature, ‘propose to toss us out alone?’ He struck a fighting stance.

‘No,’ answered the innkeeper, motioning in the five burly men waiting outside.

‘I’ll have you know,’ shouted Fragdoobly from his new resting place in the gutter, ‘that we will never grace this establishment again!’ His declaration was answered by a chorus of cheers from inside the inn - followed by a volley of his luggage.

‘Come Frog,’ said the wizard, rising from the street and dusting himself off. ‘We will leave this hive of idiots and proceed to the Wizards guild. There we will change our fortunes for the better.’

‘Yeth bozz,’ said the thief, emerging from the pile of garbage he had gracefully landed in.

After several minutes of navigating through the mud caked streets of Sanka, the pair approached the Sanka branch office of the Wizards guild. It was a small building with only one story, but it was clean and respectable. A sign was posted on the ornate wooden door saying,

"Sanka Wizards Guild Assignment Center.

Got a problem? Hire wizards!

Fighters are only for eating gizzards."

There was a terrible squabble in Sanka between the Wizards guild and Fighters guild. The intense competition in Sanka drove them to using bad poetry and advertising in a desperate attempt to sway customers to their respective sides. After reading the sign, Fragdoobly decided that if he were a customer the poem would have sent him screaming to the Fighters guild office.

Fragdoobly paused before opening the door. ‘I shall remove my hat before I enter the office. If that stupid innkeeper could recognize me with it on, then surely Gackleferz would know me in an instant.’ He doffed his hat and placed it in his belt pouch before flinging open the door with a flourish.

He stepped into the office, closely followed by Frog, and attempted to act as if he had never stepped in the building before. He crossed the room towards an extensive desk that was the room’s dominant piece of furniture, passing shelves and shelves of books. A chubby wizard looked up from the desk where he was writing and squinted at Fragdoobly as he stopped.

‘I have come to seek an assignment!’ said Fragdoobly in the deepest voice he could manage, hoping his ruse would pay off.

The wizard looked closely at Fragdoobly for a second more. ‘Is that you Fragdoobly? I almost didn’t recognize you. If it weren’t for that silly cowlick on your bangs you’ve had since apprenticeship I’d have never known you. Isn’t it usually covered with your hat?’ asked Gackleferz.

Fragdoobly gnashed his teeth in frustration. Frog shook his head while trying to control his uncontrollable sniggering.

‘Gackleferz, I need you to give me an assignment. I’m at the end of my trick rope here,’ said Fragdoobly.

‘Sorry, Goofer. You know I can’t do that without jeopardizing my own standing with the guild,’ replied Gackleferz without a trace of sympathy.

Fragdoobly winced at the use of his apprentice nickname. ‘I need money! Unless I get a job I’ll never pay back the guild. I may even be forced to become...’ he hesitated, ‘a peasant.’

Fragdoobly was playing his last card. No guild would stand to have a member of any note be forced into peasantry. It would disgrace the guild and laymen might even see it as a sign of incompetence for all wizards. Here in Sanka, with a guild war going on for business, Fragdoobly hoped that he might be able to leverage an assignment and a pardon of his debt for a while.

Gackleferz appeared to be deep in thought and then broke into a wide grin. ‘Tell you what, Fragdoobly old friend,’ he said. ‘I have a special assignment from the Grand Wizard himself that is open. It shouldn’t be too difficult, and the payoff is rather high for such a simple task. I was going to take it myself, but since you’re in such a bind I’ll let you have it. Just remember that you are endebted to me for this.’

Fragdoobly jumped into the air and spun with glee. ‘At last!’ he shouted. ‘After all my bad luck, something is finally going right. Many thanks to you.’

‘Don’t mention it, really,’ said Gackleferz. He handed Fragdoobly a thick parchment scroll. ‘Here is the assignment. The instructions and fee are all listed inside. When you’re done, just come back here and I’ll take care of the paperwork. If anyone asks, remember that I never even saw you.’ He winked at Fragdoobly.

Fragdoobly winked back and made a shushing motion with his fingers. ‘You can count on my discretion, my friend. I’ll be back as soon as I can.’ He turned to go, and said over his shoulder, ‘You know, Gackleferz, you’ll always be a great guy in my book – no matter what everyone else in the guild keeps saying about you. I promise to return and pay you back in proportion to what you have given me.’ With that he left the office. Frog followed him, giving Gackleferz a duplicate conspiratorial wink before shutting the door.

Fragdoobly was wholly occupied by transports of greed as he and Frog left the guild office. They stopped and leaned against a hitching post while Fragdoobly perused the scroll.

‘I can’t believe what a payoff this assignment has Frog!’ said the wizard at last, slapping the thief on the back. ‘The client is Grand Wizard Grankyernoodle. He’s offering two thousand gold bleens, and all we have to do is go to Taysturs Choysse, sneak into someone’s house and kill his pet. What do you say to splitting the payoff fifty-fifty after I pay back the guild?’

‘Yeth bozz,’ said Frog. He too was amazed at the amount money being offered, and a little suspicious. Fees of that size were usually reserved for guild members of a much higher level. Still, he thought, if the client was a wizard it would explain a lot. Wizards, after all, are wizards and even pithed frogs were often shocked at a wizard’s behavior. His mind was also filled by fantasies of what he could do with over nine hundred bleens. That was more than enough money to hire an army to return and burn Sanka to the ground.

‘This means we can finally shake the stinky dust of this pathetic place off our feet,’ said Fragdoobly while rubbing his hands together and looking about at the Sankan landscape with an evil glare. We’re packed. Our affairs are resolved. I think we are ready to go. Come with me, Frog. I have a delightful idea for the most fitting way to leave Sanka behind.

The wizard started off towards the center of town where Frog knew many citizens would be gathered at this time of the day. As they walked, the air became heavy with the scent of swine and refuse.

‘Great godth thith plathe thtinkth,’ said Fragdoobly, holding his nose.

‘Yes boss,’ said Frog, his speech also garbled.

They finally reached the town square and Fragdoobly made towards the fountain in the exact center of town. Frog, knowing what was coming, hung back and stayed near the easiest escape route.

The fountain was a filthy, smelly stone circle with a tarnished bronze statue of the town’s founder on a raised stone pillar in the middle. Stoop the Swineherd, town founder, was fittingly surrounded by a murky brown pool of water. At his feet was a plaque saying – "Pigs are like love. Pink, noisy and greasy. Fragdoobly sprang up onto the fountain’s edge to stand with his limbs fully extended so that he looked like an X" in a red and white robe.

The wizard released his nose and drew a breath, almost retching as heretofore unimagined scents introduced themselves to his brain. ‘Attention simple peasants of Sanka! I have an announcement to make and a gift to extend to you,’ he shouted. The peasants, merchants and miscellaneous travelers all looked up from their business. They were used to weird people, so Fragdoobly was not stoned as a lunatic - not at least until they found out what the gift was. Silence fell except for the constant background grunting of pigs and their grunting Sankan swineherds.

Fragdoobly continued. ‘I have spent many weeks here in Sanka, and I am now prepared to travel to a new city to further my fortunes. During my stay here I have endured snotty vendors, violent guards, and grindingly expensive prices. Yet as I prepare to go, I wish to leave this city with some words to remember me by. As you read these words may you always recall that Fragdoobly, The Respected Wizard, means them with all his heart.’

With that, Fragdoobly turned towards the bronze plaque at the feet of Stoop’s statue and incanted the words, ‘Humilitatis, odissi tu!’

Blinding sparks flew from the wizard’s fingers and sped to the plaque. For several seconds, all present had to avert their eyes for the intense light could not be endured. Finally the light faded and the Sankans looked up. The wizard had vanished from sight. The Sankans grouped near the fountain to peer at the plaque and see what was written. There, indelibly welded into the bronze with the wizard’s graceful script were the words, "SANKA STINKS".

Fragdoobly and Frog fled the sounds of the erupting riot behind them and pressed towards the gates of the town. ‘That may have been foolish to do Frog, but it was immensely satisfying,’ said the wizard to his companion as they jogged along.

‘Yeth bozz,’ said Frog, agreeing on both counts. They soon were near the northern gate of the village and it seemed as though they were going to escape unimpeded.

But as they approached the dilapidated wooden poles that served as the north gate of Sanka, Fragdoobly and Frog were dismayed to see that the captain of the guard they had tormented previously was there. He was attempting to drill some listless troops and his loud shouts could be heard even from far off. He was a rotund man with a lot of muscle and a proportional lack of intellect. He and all his guards were dressed in rude leather armor jerkins and carried wicked looking swords or pikestaffs.

‘Uh oh,’ said Fragdoobly, slipping onto the porch of a nearby vendor’s stall. Frog ducked behind the side of the stall and peered out. ‘This could be a problem. I don’t think we should leave from this gate. Let’s backtrack and head for the west gate and then go north to Taysturs Choysse from there.’ Frog nodded. But the vendor, who was selling noseplugs, was not going to let a potential customer get away without a sale.

‘Heading back into town, good sir?’ the vendor said loudly, plucking Fragdoobly’s sleeve. ‘You will need my noseplugs for that journey. The swine herds are particularly odiferous during the mid-day hours and men of even strong endurance often faint with disgust.’

‘Shut up,’ replied Fragdoobly absently, turning to leave.

‘I say, you have no cause to mistreat me so! I’m friends with the captain of the guard yonder, and he may have words for a traveler as rude as you.’ The vendor drew a breath to shout for the captain, not twenty yards distant.

‘Get him Frog!’ shouted Fragdoobly.

Frog had remained unseen behind the vendor and plunged a malformed fist against the man’s exposed temple. The vendor responded by losing consciousness and slumping into Fragdoobly’s arms.

‘Quick!’ hissed the wizard to Frog. ‘Help me stuff him behind his stall before the captain sees us.’ Frog lifted the vendor’s feet and the two were carrying him behind the stall when a familiar sound assailed them.

‘Hey! What are you two doing over there!’ The gravelly voice of the captain called towards them from behind.

‘Mountainous maroon mounds of malodorous monkey muck!’ swore Fragdoobly. He and Frog slowly turned to see the captain waddling towards them, followed by all ten of the gate guards. ‘Let’s brazen this out Frog,’ whispered the wizard to the thief. ‘We must hope my disguise will fool him and that he won’t recognize me.’

The captain and the guards stopped in front of the stall and the captain placed his hands on his hips. ‘Well, well, well,’ he said. ‘If it isn’t Fragdoobly and Frog, Sanka’s new village idiots. I almost didn’t recognize you. If Frog hadn’t been with you I would have never known it was you.’

Frog groaned and Fragdoobly moved his disguise spell to the top of his list of spells to forget.

‘Greetings, captain,’ grinned the wizard, attempting to put his best side forward. ‘What may we do for you this fine afternoon?’

‘You can tell me what you’re doing to my friend, Jigna, for one thing,’ replied the captain with a smirk. ‘Looks to me like you are attempting to rob him.’ The captain was ecstatic. He had been looking for an excuse to imprison Fragdoobly for weeks now and it seemed he had his chance.

‘Not at all my dear captain,’ said Fragdoobly, looking horrified. ‘Such a thing is totally inconceivable. Jigna and I were concluding a business transaction when you interrupted. I had just placed a large order for his wares when he fainted with delight. Isn’t that right Frog?’

‘Yeth bozz!’ agreed Frog, nodding with vigor.

‘And what would you be needing a large quantity of noseplugs for?’ asked the captain.

‘Uh. I was... just going to...’ Fragdoobly thought desperately. ‘…sell them to the Wizards guild! You know how foul our spells smell sometimes. Well, I was going to sell them to the guild so my fellow wizards wouldn’t have to endure the odor. Yes, that’s it.’ Fragdoobly finished his lie by wiping his brow with relief.

‘Hmm. Well, I’ll have to confirm that with Jigna when he wakes up,’ he said, still unconvinced.

‘Fine. Until then we will just be on our way,’ said Fragdoobly, inching around the guards until he had a clear run at the town gates. Frog followed his lead.

‘Don’t you want to go the other way?’ said the captain, looping around and blocking the way to the gates. ‘Your inn is back in the city,’ he said, pointing into town.

‘I just need to confirm my order with my buying source,’ said the wizard, sidestepping the captain and continuing towards the gates.

‘I insist that you wait here,’ snarled the captain, grabbing the wizard by his robe and Frog by his collar. He yanked them back. ‘If Jigna confirms your tale, you can go. If not… Well, I have plans for you and your lumpy friend,’ he emphasized this latter statement by grimacing and shaking the pair like a couple of dice. He nodded at his guards, who drew their weapons and fingered them with anticipation.

Chapter Two

‘Wizards do it like magic.’

- David Copperfield -

‘Uhhh, certainly my good captain,’ said Fragdoobly, trying to appear unconcerned. His brain was struggling to find some avenue of escape for Frog and himself.

Fragdoobly and Frog were helpless in the captain’s firm grip and surrounded by guards that had weapons leveled at them. Frog looked at the wizard imploringly, but Fragdoobly was busy reciting the Wizards guild personal death chant. Frog’s faith was not bolstered.

As the captain waited for Jigna to awaken, a noise grew in the distance. It was not long before the sound was unmistakable; a large crowd of people was moving towards the north gate. The captain and the guards watched with growing concern as the noise grew louder and louder.

‘Of course,’ whispered Fragdoobly to Frog. ‘The citizens are rioting. They were more displeased at my parting words than I thought they would be. This may be our chance for escape!’

Frog looked at the wizard in disbelief. How the presence of a large group of angry citizens seeking Fragdoobly’s instant death was going to improve their situation somewhat escaped him. He expressed his confusion to Fragdoobly.

‘Bozz?’ he asked.

‘They’re only looking for me. You are safe from them. Trust me. I have a plan,’ said the wizard.

Frog always got nervous when Fragdoobly said the words, Trust me. But so far the wizard had always thought of something that would save their skins, so he waited.

Soon the mob could be seen moving in a large, disorderly mass towards Jigna’s stall. As they approached Fragdoobly raised a hand. ‘Nihil’, he said in a quiet voice. A cloud of pink smoke that smelled of lilac surrounded him. The captain was startled, but maintained his grip on both of them.

‘Trying to escape, eh?’ shouted the captain, coughing as the smoke began to clear. ‘I should run you through right now!’

The smoke dissipated. Fragdoobly was back in his blue robes and had regained his white hair and beard. He put his hat back on with an affable grin.

‘Not at all, good captain. I am merely readjusting my outfit. But look! It seems that we have company,’ he said as he nodded towards the mob. The mob had just reached the vendor’s stall and they were all shouting incoherent demands at the captain.

The captain grunted at Fragdoobly and Frog before turning them over to a pair of nervous guards. ‘If they try and run, stab them!’ he ordered his men. He turned to the wizard and Frog. ‘I’ll take care of you two after I clear out this lot.’

The citizens, several hundred strong, surrounded the stall. Many of them carried some form of primitive weapon, ranging from manure-encrusted shovels to rather nasty looking sticks. Some wielded unidentifiable bits of miscellany that they had obviously stolen during their angry march. A few even had crude signs saying, Kil thuh wizrd.

The captain let out a deafening bellow that quieted the crowd in a moment. If nothing else, he had the lungs that were needed in this situation.

‘What’s all this then?’ he shouted.

The peasants were silent for a moment, and then one dirty individual in brown clothes shouted, ‘We want you to kill Fragdoobly!’

‘I didn’t even think you knew him,’ said the captain, throwing Fragdoobly a confused look. Fragdoobly smiled at him again.

‘Not him!’ said the peasant leader. ‘We want to kill the guy in red and white robes. The one that defaced our beloved statue of Stoop and insulted our town!’ The crowd roared its approval.

‘This is Fragdoobly!’ shouted the captain, pointing at Fragdoobly.

‘Don’t give me that!’ sneered the leader. ‘Any fool can plainly see that this wizard is in blue robes, has white hair, and is wearing a hat. The wizard we want has red and white robes with black hair! He didn’t even have a hat!’ The crowd seemed to find this statement genuinely funny and laughed aloud. The captain was not amused.

‘I’m telling you this is Fragdoobly. He just looks different than the way he looked when you saw him. He is a cause of constant mischief in this town. He has offended dozens of citizens and has caused me personal embarrassment...’

Fragdoobly decided to tip the crowds opinion in his favor. ‘My good sirs!’ cried the wizard. ‘Will you stand here and listen to the rantings of the captain, who is merely seeking to execute a personal vendetta on me? The foul scoundrel you seek must be speeding to safety even as we speak! Why does the captain delay you? One wonders if the captain is not in league with Fragdoobly the wizard!’

The crowd’s expression darkened as they turned grim visages on the captain. The peasant leader approached the captain. ‘Yes, captain," he said. ‘How do we know you aren’t trying to delay us here while the wizard escapes? Perhaps all the city guards are involved in this conspiracy. Perhaps you should all be… questioned about your activities. How is it that you have come to know of Fragdoobly?’ The crowd murmured and drew closer.

The captain backed away until he and the guards were pressed against Jigna’s stall. The citizens were looking more and more displeased by the second. Several of them were drawing knives and knotting lynching ropes. The captain himself began to look nervous. At least one of his guards had fainted.

‘I... Uh. I know of no conspiracy,’ began the captain. ‘I have known Fragdoobly for weeks now. He and I are well acquainted with each other and…’

‘There!’ cried Fragdoobly, interrupting the captain. ‘He admits his friendship with Fragdoobly the wizard! Why, my companion and I even saw him talking to a wizard in red and white robes not moments before your arrival. Isn’t that right Frog?’

‘Yeth bozz!’ shouted Frog, adding an angry gesture at the captain. He was starting to enjoy Fragdoobly’s brilliant stroke of demagoguery.

‘It’s true!’ cried Jigna, who had awakened by now and (as was the wont of most Sankans) had joined in the mindless following. ‘I saw the wizard you speak of here minutes ago. He assaulted me and must have fled while I was unconscious. Maybe the captain did allow him to escape!’

The citizens cried with hatred and commenced to break all known speed records for gallows construction. The ensuing din drowned even the captain’s shouts of protest. Fragdoobly and Frog found themselves freed from the guards and