The Unorthodox Haggadah: A Dogma-free Passover for Jews & Other Chosen People

By Nathan Phillips and Jessica Stewart

The Unorthodox Haggadah is a way to enjoy the strange and wonderful world of religion, while skipping the boring parts.  Ritual is at the core of every culture, but people are no longer into dogma. This book offers the ritual with a hilarious, irreverent twist. It is genuinely funny, fun to flip through, and a riot to use at the seder. Make sure everyone around your table has a copy for the next Passover.

Sample text:

Let's begin by drinking the blood of a virgin lamb off the tip of a flaming golden scimitar. In the event that you've de-virginized your lamb or misplaced your scimitar, use wine.

Now, we toast the Israelites for rolling out of Egypt in time and generally being clever. Here are a few things they've invented since 1901: Jeans, lipstick, Hollywood, the fax machine, psychoanalysis, and the weekend. Thanks for getting us out of Egypt before shit got too real. Drink the second cup of wine while leaning to the left.

“…light up your seder.”
-Huffington Post

"A cool, creative affront to Jewish grandmothers."
-MediaBistro

“Redefine Bitter Herbs…slightly insane.”
-Tablet Magazine

"It’s the Passover you never knew you always wanted...While there are many (many!) different Haggadah versions out there, this one is hands down our favorite (sorry Maxwell house). Genuinely funny, which puts it head and shoulders above 99.9% of the treacly crap people foist on unsuspecting seder guests to try to fool them into thinking they’re actually enjoying themselves.” 
-Heeb Magazine­
 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Open Road Integrated Media
• Release date: Feb 3, 2015
• ISBN: 9781449470333

Book preview

For Victoria & Louisiana, the finest Jewesses in all the world.

FROM THE AUTHOR:

People call me rude • I wish we were all nude • I wish there was no black and white • I wish there were no rules

—Prince

I don’t believe God exists. But, it’s cool that some people do.

Because, real or imagined, God has inspired some amazing stuff. Like gospel, mandalas, and the preachers who get bitten by snakes on purpose. But, He/She is also responsible for the worst stuff ever. Like torture, racism, homophobia, and the decline of MC Hammer’s rap career.

I wrote The Unorthodox Haggadah for people who want to participate in weird rituals, without the hassle of dogma. Besides, if there is a God, he doesn’t want you to follow rules. He wants you to soul clap and battle with swords. To buy the velvet painting of Black Jesus at the flea market because it’s sexy, and eat pork when the mood hits you. Whether you think we are a divine vision or a happy accident, everybody loves to party. And the rituals we create are a testament to the creativity of the human race. Zealots shouldn’t get to have all the fun.

This book is a celebration of those creations. It’s about drinking wine and having a communal experience with Jews, Pagans, Buddhists, Satanists, and all their friends. Passover is a perfect holiday to use as a framework for such a celebration. The rules of the day are simple: Ask Questions. Tell a Story. And every aspect of the meal from what you eat to how you sit is designed to help you do just that.

So, please understand this is not meant to be disrespectful. It’s fully functional as a haggadah and it’s wide open to interpretation. To discuss the big mysteries you have to ask big questions. So, tonight, let’s see what happens when we stop following the rules and get weird.

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