The Unorthodox Haggadah: A Dogma-free Passover for Jews & Other Chosen People
By Nathan Phillips and Jessica Stewart
()
About this ebook
Sample text:
Let's begin by drinking the blood of a virgin lamb off the tip of a flaming golden scimitar. In the event that you've de-virginized your lamb or misplaced your scimitar, use wine.
Now, we toast the Israelites for rolling out of Egypt in time and generally being clever. Here are a few things they've invented since 1901: Jeans, lipstick, Hollywood, the fax machine, psychoanalysis, and the weekend. Thanks for getting us out of Egypt before shit got too real. Drink the second cup of wine while leaning to the left.
“…light up your seder.”
-Huffington Post
"A cool, creative affront to Jewish grandmothers."
-MediaBistro
“Redefine Bitter Herbs…slightly insane.”
-Tablet Magazine
"It’s the Passover you never knew you always wanted...While there are many (many!) different Haggadah versions out there, this one is hands down our favorite (sorry Maxwell house). Genuinely funny, which puts it head and shoulders above 99.9% of the treacly crap people foist on unsuspecting seder guests to try to fool them into thinking they’re actually enjoying themselves.”
-Heeb Magazine
Related to The Unorthodox Haggadah
Related ebooks
The Days Between: Blessings, Poems, and Directions of the Heart for the Jewish High Holiday Season Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5A Family Haggadah I, 2nd Edition Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsMaking Shabbat: Celebrating and Learning at American Jewish Summer Camps Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsAhava: Soulful Shabbat Meditations, Motivations & Affirmations by a Black Jew Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsRestful Reflections: Nighttime Inspiration to Calm the Soul, Based on Jewish Wisdom Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Way into Judaism and the Environment Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The JGirls Guide: The Young Jewish Woman's Handbook for Coming of Age Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Living Jewish Life Cycle: How to Create Meaningful Jewish Rites of Passage at Every Stage of Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Finding a Spiritual Home: How a New Generation of Jews Can Transform the American Synagogue Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5Dreaming Against the Current: A Rabbi's Soul Journey Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsWhat Makes Someone a Jew?: What Makes Someone a Jew? Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Jewish Family Fun Book (2nd Edition): Holiday Projects, Everyday Activities, and Travel Ideas with Jewish Themes Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsCelebrating Your New Jewish Daughter: Creating Jewish Ways to Welcome Baby Girls into the Covenant Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5But God Remembered: Stories of Women from Creation to the Promised Land Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Tefillin: Judaism's Crown Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPitching My Tent: On Marriage, Motherhood, Friendship, and Other Leaps of Faith Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Weaving Your Thread in the Tapestry of Judaism Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Women's Passover Companion: Women's Reflections on the Festival of Freedom Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Sacred Intentions: Morning Inspiration to Strengthen the Spirit, Based on Jewish Wisdom Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Kiddish Yiddish: Jewish Traditions & Culture in Rhyme Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsEyes Remade for Wonder: A Lawrence Kushner Reader Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Our Haggadah: Uniting Traditions for Interfaith Families Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsWomen of the Wall: Claiming Sacred Ground at Judaism's Holy Site Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Say Shehechiyanu Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5A Rabbi At Sea: A Uniquely Spiritual Journey Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsA Season of Singing: Creating Feminist Jewish Music in the United States Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsGod's Paintbrush Teacher's Guide: A Guide for Jewish and Christian Educators and Parents Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsAround the World in One Shabbat: Jewish People Celebrate the Sabbath Together Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Emerging Jewish: Surviving the Conversion Process with Your Ideals and Relationships Intact Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Humor & Satire For You
A Man Called Ove: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5101 Fun Personality Quizzes: Who Are You . . . Really?! Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Go the F**k to Sleep Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Love and Other Words Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Screwtape Letters Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Best F*cking Activity Book Ever: Irreverent (and Slightly Vulgar) Activities for Adults Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5Swamp Story: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Will Judge You by Your Bookshelf Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Killing the Guys Who Killed the Guy Who Killed Lincoln: A Nutty Story About Edwin Booth and Boston Corbett Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar...: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Yes Please Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Don't Panic: Douglas Adams & The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Can't Make This Up: Life Lessons Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Britt-Marie Was Here: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Anxious People: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Solutions and Other Problems Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Tidy the F*ck Up: The American Art of Organizing Your Sh*t Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Big Swiss: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Soulmate Equation Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Farrell Covington and the Limits of Style: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Everything I Know About Love: A Memoir Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: the heartfelt, funny memoir by a New York Times bestselling therapist Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don't Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5And Every Morning the Way Home Gets Longer and Longer: A Novella Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Mindful As F*ck: 100 Simple Exercises to Let That Sh*t Go! Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Sex Hacks: Over 100 Tricks, Shortcuts, and Secrets to Set Your Sex Life on Fire Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The 2,548 Wittiest Things Anybody Ever Said Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5
Related categories
Reviews for The Unorthodox Haggadah
0 ratings0 reviews
Book preview
The Unorthodox Haggadah - Nathan Phillips
For Victoria & Louisiana, the finest Jewesses in all the world.
FROM THE AUTHOR:
People call me rude • I wish we were all nude • I wish there was no black and white • I wish there were no rules
—Prince
I don’t believe God exists. But, it’s cool that some people do.
Because, real or imagined, God has inspired some amazing stuff. Like gospel, mandalas, and the preachers who get bitten by snakes on purpose. But, He/She is also responsible for the worst stuff ever. Like torture, racism, homophobia, and the decline of MC Hammer’s rap career.
I wrote The Unorthodox Haggadah for people who want to participate in weird rituals, without the hassle of dogma. Besides, if there is a God, he doesn’t want you to follow rules. He wants you to soul clap and battle with swords. To buy the velvet painting of Black Jesus at the flea market because it’s sexy, and eat pork when the mood hits you. Whether you think we are a divine vision or a happy accident, everybody loves to party. And the rituals we create are a testament to the creativity of the human race. Zealots shouldn’t get to have all the fun.
This book is a celebration of those creations. It’s about drinking wine and having a communal experience with Jews, Pagans, Buddhists, Satanists, and all their friends. Passover is a perfect holiday to use as a framework for such a celebration. The rules of the day are simple: Ask Questions. Tell a Story.
And every aspect of the meal from what you eat to how you sit is designed to help you do just that.
So, please understand this is not meant to be disrespectful. It’s fully functional as a haggadah and it’s wide open to interpretation. To discuss the big mysteries you have to ask big questions. So, tonight, let’s see what happens when we stop following the rules and get weird.