Emerging Jewish: Surviving the Conversion Process with Your Ideals and Relationships Intact

By Rabbi Daniel Kohn

Converting to Judaism can be an arduous process. After all, the Jewish tradition is over three thousand years old, filled with a rich history of significant events, great literature, sophisticated theology, a full calendar of holidays, and chock-full of home rituals, spiritual practices, customs and commandments. It is a comprehensive way of life and this wealth of knowledge can be an exhausting obstacle to a potential convert. It is no wonder that many formal courses for conversion to Judaism can take over a year--there is a lot to learn!

But perhaps even more difficult than the formal educational process, for some people, the informal, social aspect of converting to Judaism can be especially challenging. Becoming a Jew is more than simply adopting a new faith and set of spiritual practices; it also involves joining a whole new people and ethnic group. For some converts, marrying into a Jewish family means trying to win the acceptance of Jewish in-laws who may be less-than-enlightened about the conversion process. For others, it may mean working to acquire the approval of Jewish friends and acquaintances in a community or synagogue. There is also the challenge of dealing with the complex and varied reactions of non-Jewish family members and friends. Unfortunately, not all Jews-by-Choice are immediately supported by their families-of-origin or welcomed into the Jewish people with open arms. For many new Jews, developing and independent sense of their own Jewish identity, a feeling of belonging, authenticity, and ease in the Jewish religion and amongst the Jewish people can be a long-term struggle.

This book contains information that many rabbis and teachers probably feel uncomfortable divulging to students studying for conversion. This book is about the unpleasant, painful and even unfair side of the experience of Jewish conversion. In fact, I had originally titled it, What the Rabbis Wont Tell You About Becoming a Jew, because no rabbi wants to reveal the pitfalls and challenges that potential converts to Judaism might face. Based on personal experiences, anecdotal evidence from former converts, as well as direct observation, this book presents strategies for coping with unsupportive non-Jewish family members and friends, the inherently discriminatory nature of the process of conversion to Judaism, the prejudicial anti-convert views that some Jews-by-Choice may confront when interacting with a small number of bigoted, ignorant members of the Jewish community, and coming to grips with the fact that no matter what denomination of the rabbi who officiates at the conversion, there will always be someone who will claim the process was not Jewish "enough" and therefore invalid. These are the kinds of topics no rabbi or teacher wants to bring up when discussing the joys and spiritual highlights of conversion to Judaism. However, I feel that it is a disservice to Jews-by-Choice not to be inoculated against these potentially explosive issues.

And let's not forget the reaction of non-Jewish friends and family who also may be less-than-pleased by the spiritual choice of a loved one who suddenly announces their interest in converting to Judaism. It is not at all uncommon for non-Jewish family members to experience a sense of guilt over what they might have done "wrong" which lead their son/daughter/brother/sister to abandon their faith-of-origin. Some families and friends may even experience the conversion of a child or friend as an act of abandonment. And some devoutly Christian friends and family members may sincerely worry about the ultimate and eternal disposition of the soul of a convert to Judaism whom they believe may now be condemned to eternal damnation. Especially given the unique and complicated relationship of Christianity to Judaism, converting to Judaism for many former and even unaffiliated Christians can present numerous challenges to their families and frie

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Nov 12, 2007
• ISBN: 9781469100890

Rabbi Daniel Kohn

Rabbi Daniel Kohn has served as a congregational leader and professional Jewish educator on the East and West coasts. He has published numerous articles and books on Jewish education, spirituality, conversion, and classical Jewish texts. Rabbi Kohn is the rabbi in residence of the Contra Costa Jewish Day School, guest rabbi of Congregation Gan HaLev in Marin County, and a master teacher for Lehrhaus Judaica. A third-degree black belt of aikido and student of Tai Chi, Rabbi Kohn lives in Mill Valley with his wife and their three children.

Book preview

Copyright © 2007 by Rabbi Daniel Kohn.

Cover photograph was taken at Lake Temescal

Regional Recreation Area, Oakland, California.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2007903589

ISBN:   Hardcover   978-1-4257-7776-0

   Softcover                978-1-4257-7770-8

ISBN:    ebook   978-1-4691-0089-0

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted

in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system,

without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

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Contents

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Conclusion

Glossary of Hebrew

Words and Concepts

Suggested Readings

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my children, Nava, Reuven, and Kalanit.

May the religious choices made for them truly become their own.

Acknowledgements

Many thanks to my amazing and talented photographer, Victoria Remler (www.victoriaremler.com) for the cover and author photo. I would also like to thank my niece, Atalya Stachel Yeshayahu, for serving as the cover model.

All biblical and rabbinic quotes from Hebrew and Aramaic, unless otherwise noted, are my own translation. Any errors are my own.

Introduction

Converting to Judaism can be an arduous process. After all, the Jewish tradition is over three thousand years old, filled with a rich history of significant events, great literature, sophisticated theology, a full calendar of holidays, and chock-full of home rituals, spiritual practices, customs and commandments. It is a comprehensive way of life and this wealth of knowledge can be an exhausting obstacle to a potential convert. It is no wonder that many formal courses for conversion to Judaism can take over a year because there is a lot to learn!

But perhaps even more difficult than the formal educational process, for some people, the informal, social aspect of converting to Judaism can be especially challenging. Becoming a Jew is more than simply adopting a new faith and set of spiritual practices; it also involves joining a whole new people and ethnic group. For some converts, marrying into a Jewish family means trying to win the acceptance of Jewish in-laws who may be less-than-enlightened about the conversion process. For others, it may mean working to acquire the approval of Jewish friends and acquaintances in a community or synagogue. There is also the challenge of dealing with the complex and varied reactions of non-Jewish family members and friends. Unfortunately, not all Jews by Choice are immediately supported by their families of origin or welcomed into the Jewish people with open arms. For many new Jews, developing an independent sense of their own Jewish identity, a feeling of belonging, authenticity, and ease in the Jewish religion and amongst the Jewish people can be a long-term struggle.

This book contains information that many rabbis and teachers probably feel uncomfortable divulging to students studying for conversion. This book is about the unpleasant, painful, and even unfair side of the experience of Jewish conversion. In fact, I had originally titled it What the Rabbis Won’t Tell You about Becoming a Jew because no rabbi wants to reveal the pitfalls and challenges that potential converts to Judaism might face. Based on personal experiences, anecdotal evidence from former converts, as well as direct observation, this book presents strategies for coping with unsupportive non-Jewish family members and friends, the inherently discriminatory nature of the process of conversion to Judaism, the prejudicial anticonvert views that some Jews by Choice may confront when interacting with a small number of bigoted, ignorant members of the Jewish community and coming to grips with the fact that no matter what denomination of the rabbi who officiates at the conversion, there will always be someone who will claim the process was not Jewish enough and therefore invalid. These are the kinds of topics no rabbi or teacher ever wants to bring up when discussing the joys and spiritual highlights of conversion to Judaism. However, I feel that it is a disservice to Jews by Choice not to be inoculated against these potentially explosive issues. To be forewarned is to be forearmed.

And let’s not forget the reaction of non-Jewish friends and family who also may be less than pleased by the spiritual choice of a loved one who suddenly announces their interest in converting to Judaism. It is not at all uncommon for non-Jewish family members to experience a sense of guilt over what they might have done wrong which led their son/daughter/brother/sister to abandon their faith of origin. Some families and friends may even experience the conversion of a child or friend as an act of abandonment. And some devoutly Christian friends and family members may sincerely worry about the ultimate and eternal disposition of the soul of a convert to Judaism who they believe may now be condemned to eternal damnation. Especially given the unique and complicated relationship of Christianity to Judaism, converting to Judaism for many former and even unaffiliated Christians can present numerous challenges to their families and friends.

This book is not a how-to book for converting to Judaism. It does not contain any information about Jewish rituals and observances or the conversion process. For that, I would encourage people interested in learning more about Judaism and the conversion process to contact a local synagogue and rabbi, seek out information on the Internet (see Suggested Readings at the end of this book), and locate adult Jewish education classes nearby. This book, although it is about conversion to Judaism, focuses exclusively on the personal and social aspects of the conversion experience.

This book is for anyone whose life may be touched by conversion to Judaism. For potential candidates for conversion, longtime Jews by Choice, for family members or friends, this book is a survival guide. It is a manual for emerging from this complicated process of becoming a Jew and ensuring that whatever enthusiasm, excitement, idealism, and commitment to Judaism and the Jewish people remain intact, alive, and glowing. It is a guidebook for how to navigate the seemingly uncharted but choppy waters of interpersonal relationships that may be threatened by a deepening commitment and involvement in the Jewish religion and the Jewish people. This is a book that offers advice about how to convert to Judaism and not lose your love of Judaism, the Jewish people, and all of your non-Jewish friends and family.

Please know that this book may not address all of the experiences that candidates for conversion may encounter. However, it represents an attempt to redress the deficiencies that I have seen and encountered in the often chaotic, disorganized approach to conversion that frequently exists in many American Jewish communities. Given the historical, decentralized nature of Jewish life and observance, the numerous denominations of Judaism in this country, and the multitude of different synagogues and rabbis, there is little uniformity to the conversion experience. Every movement, synagogue, and Jewish spiritual leader is free to interpret the classical sources regarding the conversion process any way they may so choose. Practices may—and frequently do—vary widely in terms of what an individual rabbi or community may require to be eligible to convert to Judaism. However, given this multiplicity of experiences, I have tried to be as thorough and comprehensive as possible in addressing the informal, unofficial,