Patricia

By JG Friesen

The story of a girl who chose to believe that she could be anything she wanted to be even though she had a rough start to her childhood. From assault to neglect, she chose herself. Every time.

She loved herself more until that was all she was: love.

She learned to leave behind what held her back, and ran towards what pushed her forward.

All by herself, step by step, she loved her way through life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: The J.
• Release date: Dec 16, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223217374

JG Friesen

A vibrant writer with an unholy imagination and her dog. They love to travel, laugh, enjoy life, and love without boundaries.

Book preview

PROLOGUE

The sun struck the earth in Adam’s Ale and everyone felt the heat. The trees braced for it while the grass and Gramma’s pansies were begging to wilt.

Patricia was eagerly waiting for the evening. Shawn Slater and his family were coming to visit. She and her family were going to Grandpa’s after supper. She knew he had a sister her age, but she didn’t like how she humiliated her. Her name was just as appalling as her personality.

Mom! Patricia called out from the front door. What time is it?

Time to wash up for supper, mom replied curtly, trying to hide her annoyance. Tell the rest of your siblings to come in for supper.

Okayyyy. Patricia sighed as she muttered under her breath. ‘Borrring.’

Patricia disappeared outside for a few minutes and came back with her three other sisters: Philipa, Shelby, and Dana in tow.

By the time they had washed up for supper, dad and her older brother Lance were inside waiting to be fed.

Uncle Perry’s are here! dad said enthusiastically.

Really? Who all came? Patricia asked fervently. She knew not everyone always came because of obligations back home in Texas.

I don't know. All I saw was the vehicle pulling into Grandpa’s yard. dad responded.

Patricia watched her older siblings playing volleyball. The ball going back and forth across the net lulled her mind into a trance while it drifted towards the younger children playing hide and seek with Grandpa and Grandma. And cousin Shawn Slater with his glasses thicker than the ice on a skating rink. Fascinating. She allowed her mind to roam, while she counted and recounted her cousins playing. They were all here including Dorkas.

Help! Aunt Rhoda yelled. Shawn lost his glasses!

Everyone stop playing and start looking for Shawn’s glasses! Uncle Perry ordered.

Patricia joined the search, but in listening to the adults, she realized maybe they were at her house. She'd noticed that Shawn had joined Dorkas, her Mom, Grandma, and Aunt Rhoda to her house earlier in the evening.

Patricia scampered over to her mom and asked if she'd checked her house.

Surprised, mom shook her head.

Mom! I'm going to check our house! Patricia raised her voice as she sprinted across the lawn.

She dashed across the road and slowed as she got to the house. She hadn't realized how comfortable home had become.

Shawn’s glasses, Patricia muttered a reminder to herself as she moved from room to room in the house.

No glasses in the house, so Patricia skipped happily down the drive humming ‘Over the Rainbow.’

She heard a cacophonic commotion at Grandpa’s as she neared the road.

She watched her parents walk towards her and wondered why they were leaving so quickly. Grandma hadn't served her peanut butter cookies yet!

Mom, Dad! Patricia. Did you find Shawn’s glasses?

She watched her parents scurry across the road.

Patricia! Where were you? We were worried about you! Where did you go? Her parents trying to get the words out all at once, talking at the same time.

But mom! Patricia said puzzled. I told you I was coming over here to look for the glasses. I saw you take a walk this way.

We didn't go into the house, darling, her mom replied softly giving her a hug.

Patricia shrugged and skipped ahead, momentarily asking if Shawn had found his glasses.

Mom nodded her head and smiled.

Grinning, Patricia scurried over to Shawn.

Let me see your glasses, please Shawn. Patricia asked earnestly.

Shawn turned to her. Why? he asked.

Because they're so different! she said impatiently.

Shawn’s slow grin spread across his face as he took them off for her.

Patricia’s face said more than her mouth. She was awestruck.

PART ONE

KISSED

Sunshine slowly began to seep into the room. As it splashed across Patricia’s face, she heard her mom enter her room.

Good morning, sunshine! Her mom said capriciously.

Patricia refused to flinch. Mom always targeted her emotions when she showed compassion towards her.

Philipa said, Good Morning mom!

Mom smiled at her and Patricia groaned, rolling over. She knew the drill. Mom wouldn't leave until she responded.

Patricia said, Good Morning mom.

Mom turned around and left.

Philipa turned to Patricia, Why don't you sound more cheerful when mom comes in here?

Patricia looked down, then up at her sister wondering if she'd understand.

Mom always manipulates me when I show emotions. It hurts. Patricia turned her back to her sister to pick out her clothes for the day.

I don't understand. Philipa said slowly.

I know. That's why I handle it the way I do. No one understands me. Patricia returned softly, trying to be considerate of her sister, knowing she hadn't known she'd lost her virginity to someone that didn't want it. Philipa at least chose to respect her anyway even when she didn't agree. That was worth keeping.

Patricia jumped out of the bright yellow van and said to her mom over her shoulder, Have a good day, mom!

Then disappeared into the school.

Three boys from her grade were skulking in the entry she noticed, but ignored them. She changed from the required outdoor shoes to indoors, went to put her lunch away, take her jacket off, and get into class before the second bell.

As noon hour approached, Patricia began to perk up. She loved playing outside and for longer than 15 minutes. Plus, she was hungry. She’d managed to convince her mom to make cheese sandwiches. Her favourite. One with butter and the other with honey. The rest of the lunch didn’t matter.

The noon bell rang and class was dismissing. Willette Craig was ahead of her. The girl all the boys liked, but not today. Patricia walked out of the classroom to see her kissing Kemp Matthews in the hallway surrounded by students. Patricia wasn’t surprised, Willette would do anything for attention, but why Kemp? He wasn’t her type. She kept moving out of the way as Miss Graf took Willette down the back hall to the office.

Patricia, hungry, went back into the classroom to eat. She flinched as she felt the class eating their lunches mutely. The memories came back of that fateful day and Patricia immediately lost her appetite. She didn’t play with her food. She simply sat there frozen as the memories exploded into her reality.

She heard the boys panic and urgently hustled to finish their lunches and leave. She didn’t respond to their frenzied horror. Somewhere deep inside her, she pushed them away; willing them to go play outside and leave her alone. She wanted them to leave. The flashbacks were too fresh, and she knew of only of one way to handle them, and it didn’t include being surrounded by her perpetrators.

Patricia didn’t know that the reason she couldn’t feel and appeared cold and emotionless was because of the assault at the beginning of the school term. Her mom had told her she was fine with that set in her chin and said she didn’t need help when she asked for it. She wanted someone to talk to about the change in her emotions. She dropped the subject and promptly forgot about it except when the flashbacks returned. A set in mom’s chin meant the no she gave was eternal, not temporary.

Kemp Matthews, Jasper Jenkins, Harry Lyons, and Cade Malone were all involved. She hadn’t stood a chance afterwards because Jasper’s parents were friends with Patricia’s. No one had asked Patricia what had happened and why she handled it the way she had. Her parents had her judged and sentenced before she could get help. She promised herself when she became an adult, she’d get herself checked to make sure she was handling it so it wouldn’t hold her back from making her dreams reality. Her dreams were becoming more and more crucial to her survival. She blocked the images and pain because she was simply feeling too much.

You’re still eating lunch? Willette asked as she entered the classroom with her lunchbox.

Grateful for Willette breaking the flashback, Patricia gave her a smile.

Yup. May I ask you a question?

Yes, what is it? Willette was ready to talk about anything except what had happened just before lunch.

Why did you do that?

I’ll tell you outside. I’m not allowed to talk about it. Miss Graf’s orders. She washed my mouth out with Irish Spring soap. It’s awful. She was extra rude about it too.  Willette rolled her eyes and Patricia slowly smiled, knowingly. Irish Spring was her mom’s favourite soap too. But Miss Graf didn’t have what Patricia called ‘people skills’ either.

Ok. She said. Her appetite was returning. As Miss Graf entered the class, Patricia and Willette were leaving bosom buddies. Patricia knew it was only a temp position, but she didn’t care.

Outside, their classmates were playing 22 Loose. They walked on the outskirts of the game’s boundary and talked.

I wasn’t supposed to kiss him. It was a bet. It was supposed to be a pretend kiss, but Kemp didn’t stop. He walked right into it. And I was blamed for it. Willette confided quietly.

Patricia didn’t say anything. She listened and watched, realizing the boys playing were getting riled at Willette’s presence. Willette would need the support. She didn’t think twice. She automatically gave Willette what she’d wanted six months ago.

Hey, kisser! Come play this game with us! Cade taunted Willette.

It was an accident. It wasn’t supposed to happen! Willette returned, angry.

Hey Kiss-her! Jasper joined the taunts.

Shut up! I told you it was an accident. Willette spat back at them. Leave me alone! I’m leaving you alone!

The boys walked away rolling their eyes, angry.

Patricia allowed Willette to ramble on until end of recess bell and then Willette shifted and fell in step with the girls she always accompanied. ‘Her group,’ Patricia mused, watching. She didn’t care. She didn’t want to be a part of them.

Patricia wondered how she’d handle the situation, but realized an accidental kiss wasn’t an assault on purpose. Without knowing that the key wasn’t in what happened, but who was there for her when she got home at night, she moved on into the school building.

ASSAULTED

It was ramping up to be another scorching day in Adam’s Ale. The leaves and grass stubbornly remained green and flowers kept on smiling. The people half heartedly complained about no rain, but secretly appreciated the warmth so early in the year.

Patricia could hardly sit still as the teacher read about some boy that chose to be a ‘Christian,’ but didn’t want to follow through with it. It was well written, and could hold her attention, but she thought the boy was stupid. Why choose to be a Christian, if he didn’t want to do what it took to be one?

It was a boring Monday. Same old, same old. Teachers, math, English, and games at recess. Spring fever had officially set in. The boys were restless and Patricia mentally bookmarked it. Don’t let them near you, she reminded herself. When recess arrived the majority of the class wanted to play ball; a mix of softball and baseball rules. She was the class ‘homer champ’ and was involved before she could remember to back off.

Outside, Patricia and her schoolmates were milling around, and getting the game started without the teacher. Patricia felt Cade go from benevolent to the dark side. She tried to change the subject, negotiating between him and Jasper, but before she could move he’d dealt a swift, hard kick to where the sun doesn’t shine. The pain and flashbacks returned in full force, so she excused herself from the game to get her mind and heart back.

Patricia disappeared into the woods behind the ball diamond and sat down on a dead tree. Doing her breathing exercise, she allowed herself to feel every feeling, mentally documenting every single one. Physical and emotional. She heard her fellow students begging her to come back, but she refused to listen. She came first. If she learned anything from the assault previously, it was that. Until she felt her Father nudging her to get back into the game.

Unwilling, reluctant and dragging her feet, she went back to the game. As always, she chose to play her best game anyway; quiet, precise, and slicing every situation with the honest truth. Her classmates backed off in fear and awe. Yes, she was on her best defence. Cade could be angry at her for the rest of his life, but she wasn’t going to throw her dreams away because of him.

The end of recess bell rang and Jasper approached her.

Wow, Patricia, this game was your best yet! You aced three home runs!

Patricia gave him a long look and proceeded to shrug her shoulders, looking away. Thank you.

Puzzled, Jasper looked at her closer. Her smile was missing.

Patricia, aware, gave him a smile to cover up the truth. The last thing she needed was for him to know that what he had done had created the most damage. Why did he act like he liked her, only to turn around and hurt her? He hadn’t tried to stop Cade at the beginning of recess either. She wished she could move past the pain. She felt the rift of misunderstanding between them widen. Jasper was more concerned about her missing smile then why it was missing. Patricia grimaced, annoyed.

Patricia didn’t expect Jasper to understand. Philipa didn’t. Could he? She needed a friend that could be there for her and respect her even if he didn’t understand.

SOMETHING IS WRONG

With no one to understand what she was facing mentally on a daily basis, or willing to respect her anyway without understanding because she ‘was different,’ Patricia began to isolate herself as deep emotional fatigue set in. It was easier than she expected. She got the ‘gable room’ [the smallest room in the house] to herself because none of her sisters would get along with her. Or at least that’s what mom told the family.

Her mom told the family every evening that it was impossible for Shelby and Patricia to get along. Patricia was disappointed in her parents. She knew that it was a lie, but Shelby would verbally agree with Patricia, and proceed to follow mom’s words. Patricia chose to get along anyway. It made the journey awkward, difficult, and long. She chose to do her best and let the rest go.

She began to watch people and do experiments in order to find someone to be a friend anyway even though everyone made themselves unavailable.

‘Maybe this God they talked about in her parents church on Sunday would be a friend,’ Patricia pondered. ’Maybe He’s an option.’

But the more Patricia dug into her god experiment the more she got concerned. Their were an awful lot of gods. Which one was she supposed to pick?

Patricia’s parents decided something was wrong with her. She laughed at them because she knew nothing was wrong. Her laughter when she was nervous would trigger her mom’s temper, so it became a regular Saturday morning activity where Patricia was sent to her parents' bedroom, and they always had a book on hand for her to read. She refused to read any of the books, but she didn’t tell them that otherwise she’d have been forced to read them later. Patricia didn’t have anyone to talk to, so she learned other ways to survive. Her siblings, friends, teachers, co-workers, and entire community believed in the same god as her parents did, so she didn’t talk to any of them which basically means she didn’t talk to anyone. Believing in a different God than they did was dangerous territory.

But.

Patricia was still working on her ‘god experiment.’ She was still a little fuzzy on which God was the God she wanted to talk to, but she had no time left. She was at the end of her rope, and this Saturday morning she was informed she had yet another ‘disease’ according to her mom. Another diseased book to read. She wanted someone else’s opinion, just to be sure she wasn’t crazy in the head, but had no one to ask. She wanted to cry, but she was much too angry to bother. That’s when she realized she could specify which God she was talking to when praying and ask Him.

Patricia wasted no time. She told the God of Love from The Bible everything that was happening, how it made her feel [including her parents' demeanour] and the latest activities with the books her parents borrowed for her and diagnosing her with a disease because they thought something was wrong with her. She added that she didn’t think anything was wrong with her even though she’d been assaulted and that her mom refused to let her get help with her emotions [she didn’t know how to explain it, but her feelings were different after the first assault]. She told Him what her parents were expecting from her: after dinner she had to give the verdict on that book. She was told to read the first chapter, but wasn’t going to read that book and summed everything up with one question: ‘Is there something wrong with me?’

Patricia didn’t know what to expect but wasn’t worried about Him. Simply curious.

A few minutes later Patricia heard a deep voice that was firm and gentle say, There is nothing wrong with you.

Patricia was surprised. She had no idea He would agree with her! But the feeling that enveloped her afterwards made her feel so good; warm, cozy, and ... another idea popped into her head. Patricia wasted no time on that idea either.

She bravely got on her knees [Patricia was told God would hear her better if she was on her knees] and prayed, ‘To The Father of Love and not the god my parents talk about, I told you about what’s going on in my life and here’s another problem I’m dealing with; I don’t have a friend I can trust to talk to, but since you’re this amazing kind of wonderful I was wondering if you would be my best friend? If you decide to say yes here’s my promise to you: I’ll do my best to behave in a manner that you can respect and love so that you can be my friend too, and I’ll talk to you about what goes on in my life every night. I will give you my heart and I will learn to follow it so that if you ever need me to do something for you, you can ask and I’ll do my best to do it. I want our friendship to go both ways. I don’t want to be a burden to you. I’m human and not perfect by any means, but I’ll do my best. That’s my promise. You’re absolutely amazing, and I thank you for being so kind and making me feel so good about myself.’

Once again Patricia felt this warm hug on a cold day kind of feeling come over her. Like this God of Love was giving her a hug. She was wowed and humbled at the same time. He had picked her and He didn’t even have to think about it! No one ever did that for her!

Patricia was so delighted she skipped downstairs and helped her mom with dinner humming a myriad of different tunes creating her own songs while setting the table. Dinner was ready faster than she’d expected for a second Saturday brunch.

Patricia had never seen her dad eat faster than he was, and when finished his second helping, immediately dismissed her siblings to a variety of outdoor chores.

So what did you think about the book? Dad asked a little too eager; leaning against the table towards her.

With a grin on her face and a sparkle in her eye, Patricia focused her mind on what the God of Love told her, turned her face toward her parents, and firmly declared, There is nothing wrong with me.

She handed the book back. They looked at her speechless. Patricia left the table and started washing the dishes.

TAUGHT TO LIE

It started one morning at breakfast when Patricia’s Uncle Ken and Aunt Sherry were visiting. The entire family came with them. We were all sitting around the breakfast table, and enjoying a comfortable ‘after breky’ with coffee conversation.

Philipa was laughing with Tracy and Shelby when she looked at Patricia and winked, What do you say to someone who is trying to steal your cheese?

I don’t know, Philipa, I’m not good at those kind of jokes!

This is nacho cheese! Philipa giggled again.

Patricia ceased eating because she noticed Philipa had made a joke ‘her style.’ Patricia’s face lit up, and she laughed with her.

Patricia, what are you laughing about? Mom asked harshly.

Uhm, Patricia stammered in surprise. Just the cheese joke, mom. Philipa was talking about the cheese.

No, she wasn’t, Mom returned coldly. "Now tell me what you said about the