Long Lost Cousin

By Nina Cavalieri

Set in the suburbs of Melbourne in the nineties, Long Lost Cousin tells the story of Patz; a sassy, but slightly superficial teenage girl. Patz is shocked to discover that her mother has invited some family friends to move in with them. To add to the inconvenience, Patz instantly clashes with her shaggy-haired, heavy metal loving 'cousin' Joe. Despite their constant bickering, Patz comes to realise that when he's not driving her completely crazy, Joe is a true ally and a friend. But when she finally comes to understand how she truly feels about Joe, it looks like it might be too late…

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tablo Publishing
• Release date: Jul 6, 2022
• ISBN: 9781685834487

Book preview

1.

Dear Audrey,

Sometimes I feel like I will never fall in love. All my friends have boyfriends and they’re over the moon with happiness. But I always seem to be on my own. I don’t think that I’m plain or unattractive. What do you think I’m doing wrong?

Lonely, Parramatta.

Dear Lonely, I know how you feel! My best friend Fran always seems to have all the luck with the guys. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been single my whole life. I don’t think I’m plain either - in fact, a lot of the guys at school seem to look at me. But none of them seem to be interested in doing much more than that! So, here I am - single. I wonder what I’m doing wrong. Am I too fussy? Or maybe I act too cold? Maybe I’m just not their type?

Patz let her eyes wander down the column to see what Ask Audrey’s answer to Lonely was. Mmm, okay. You’re doing nothing wrong. That’s a relief! Your girlfriends are just more receptive to the boys’ advances. Receptive? Try not to worry too much about finding love and it will happen in its own time. Oh, okay. Good advice Audrey.  Patz nodded her head in agreement.

Dear Audrey,

The other day a guy at school asked me out. I haven’t answered him yet because I don’t know what to say. He’s a really nice guy, but he’s not much to look at. I know that looks shouldn’t count, but I can’t really see myself being with him. What should I do?

Vera, Thomastown.

Shame on you Vera, you should know better! Everybody knows that looks are not important. Take Beauty and the Beast - if she hadn’t given the ugly beast a chance, she would never have ended up as a princess! What am I saying?! That’s only a fairytale. But really, think about the poor boy’s feelings. He’s got a thing for you. Don’t break his heart! How can you be so cold? I don’t think I could ever do that to somebody.

Patz smiled when she saw Audrey’s reply. Give the boy a chance. If you already think he’s a nice guy, then his looks shouldn’t matter at all. Don’t let your friends or peer pressure make you miss out on what might be something special. Too true Audrey!

Dear Audrey,

Help me! I’ve fallen for a guy. He’s gorgeous, he’s perfect, but he’s going out with my best friend! It’s awful! I wish I could tell him how I feel but I don’t want to hurt my friend. What can I do? Should I tell him?

Torn, Endeavor Hills.

Oh Torn, how could you! You should have been able to control your feelings enough to stop yourself from drooling over your friend’s boyfriend! I’ve watched Fran go through a collection of boys and even though a lot of them have been pretty nice, not one of them has tempted me enough to make me fall for them. It’s a good thing that Fran’s taste in men is a lot different to mine! Don’t do it, Torn!

When Patz looked at Audrey’s reply she realised she’d missed an important fact. Does your friend’s boyfriend show any sign of returning your feelings? Good point! You can drool as much as you like, but there’s no use saying anything if he doesn’t fancy you! Unless you think he feels the same, don’t say anything. All you will end up doing is ruining your friend’s happiness and possibly your friendship too! Patz was nodding her head. Ask Audrey was so smart and logical. It seemed like she knew the answer for every problem. Patz leaned back against her bed head and turned the page. It was time for Doctor Debbie.

Dear Doctor,

I have a very itchy sore that has developed at the corner of my mouth. My friends say it is a cold sore. They think I got it because last week I shared my lip gloss with a girl called –

Pasqualina!!!!!! What?!

Pasqualina!!! Her mother wailed. Oh shit, Patz thought, throwing down her magazine and rolling her eyes. Why does that woman have to sound like a cat on heat when she calls my name? And what on Earth does she want? I’m in the middle of something important!

What? Patz growled in reply.

Come here! Her mother called. Patz swore under her breath, dragged herself off the bed and walked out onto the landing of the second floor.

What? She called again, hoping to stall her mother.

Viene qua! Uh oh, her mother was addressing her in Italian - something must be up! She hurried down the stairs, nearly tripping on her cork platform wedges, to where her mother was on the phone in the entrance hall. Her mother was clutching the phone to her ear and motioning to Patz.

Come and say hello to your Comara Delfina. Patz froze on the spot and screwed her nose. Do I have to? It was always such a nightmare talking to some strange relative on the phone. But the glare in her mother’s eye gave her few options. She stepped forward reluctantly and took the receiver.

Ciao Comara, come stai? Patz asked

Pasqualina! And that was about all Patz understood as the woman went off in a barrage of Italian. Her first instinct was to wait, and wait, until her Comara had finished and then reply.

Si, si. She said, because without fail the woman would have asked if she’d grown or if she had a boyfriend. And it wouldn’t matter that Patz wasn’t telling the truth because her Comara wouldn’t never know the difference. Patz could tell by the high volume that her mother was using to speak to the lady that it was a long distance phone call so it wasn’t very likely that their paths would cross anytime soon.

Without saying anything else, Patz passed the phone back to her mother and turned to go. But as she began walking away, her mother grabbed at her T-shirt and pulled her back; making her slide on the highly polished tiles. Shit! Something’s up. Her mother began winding up the phone call.

Si, si, Delfina, ci vediamo presto. Ciao. What? We’ll see you soon. Oh no. The woman was coming to visit! There was a change in Patz’ mum’s voice as soon as she hung up the phone.

Pasqualina, her mother had gone into scolding mode, you shouldn’t be so rude to Comara Delfina.

Why not? Patz thought defensively but didn’t dare speak up. Her mother was a part time super-bitch!

Delfina and her family are coming for a visit. Her mother told her, almost as if she had read Patz’ thoughts. 

Really! Patz thought sarcastically to herself.

Well, I’ll make sure I’m out. She mumbled under her breath. Her mother began laughing and then smiled at her.

How long are you going to be out for? 

What sort of dumb question was that? Patz tried not to look confused but it must have shown on her face.

Delfina and her family are coming to stay with us. 

What! Patz wanted to cry out. Instead she grabbed for the purple crystal hanging around her neck and desperately tried to draw strength from it.

You mean they’re moving in? She asked. Her mother nodded and laughed again.

2.

     Pasta Fagioli again! Nicky whined while he slouched in his chair. Patz sat across from him too weak to move and just watched. Mum began dishing out the pasta and beans. Dad held out his plate, but his eyes never left the TV screen - current affairs addict that he was. And Nicky, her little-shit-of-a-brother, who was presently trying to sneak out of his seat to escape to his room where his Nintendo sat idle.

Domestic harmony? Maybe not, but the last thing the Salvo family needed was a bunch of strangers interfering. Strangers. Sitting on their couch, watching their TV, using their toilet!!!

Maaaaaa! Patz wailed impatiently. Her mother turned to her with a look of concern, worried that something was physically wrong with her.

When is Comara Daphne, or whatever-her-name-is coming? Patz moaned.

Next week. Her mother answered between mouthfuls of pasta.

Patz looked around at the table.  Nobody seemed to be fazed.  Not even a little bit by the fact that people who were not the Salvo family would soon be invading this house.  What right do these people have to just barge in and invite themselves to live here? Before she knew even it, Patz was verbalising her thoughts.

Oh, but you know, she’s not even family, you know, like Zia Maria or Zio Ralph.

She is family. Her mother snapped back.

How? Patz argued.

Her uncle was my father’s tailor. Her mother said decidedly. Wow! I didn’t realise tailoring was equivalent to being a blood relative.

And… Her mother continued after seeing the sarcastic look on Patz’ face.

She was the maid of honor at my wedding. Is that it?  So you abandon your brothers and sisters and adopt the woman!

Well, Patz said, nobody is moving into my room. Nobody. She wanted to sound threatening - but if anything, she sounded weak.

Don’t worry, she’s only got one child. A boy. Thank God and suffer Nicky! But when Patz looked over, Nicky was already half way out of the kitchen.

Why is she coming anyway? Patz asked after dropping her spoon back into her now cold pasta.

They’re building a new house nearby here, but it’s not finished yet. They’ve already sold their old house and settled on it.

Oh, so they couldn’t stay in a motel or a caravan park?

And, with so much space in the garage, and Nonna’s room empty now… Patz’ mother silently crossed herself. God bless her soul, I couldn’t let them stay with strangers.

Why not? Patz wanted to ask.

Don’t worry, you won’t even notice they’re here. Her mother assured her. Sure, sure, Patz thought, I won’t notice they’re here when they turn up at seven o’clock on a Sunday morning!

3.

   They’re here! Patz could hear Nicky squealing from his room. She moaned and rolled over. Peeking from under her covers, she looked at her alarm clock. It was twenty minutes past eight in the morning. Nobody was going to drag her from her bed on a Sunday morning, nobody.

But, five minutes later, when her father knocked on her door and called her with his if-I-have-to-call-you-again-you’re-dead voice, she groaned once and pulled the covers off. Her dad didn’t tell her off very often, but when he used that voice, Patz knew better than to defy him. She had once when she was about five and still had horror flashbacks about it!

She grabbed her oldest, tattiest tracksuit and last season’s T-shirt and pulled them on. She wasn’t going to make any sort of effort for these people who were inconveniencing her! She only hoped that none of her friends would spring a surprise visit on her. What would they say about that tracksuit!

The commotion was in the kitchen, so Patz dragged herself in there and saw the Italians sharing an espresso. When Comara Delfina saw her she stopped in mid-sentence, smiled stupidly at her and began the usual speech.

Oh Pasqualina, you’ve grown so much, come here and let me look at you. You were only this high when I saw you last, and oh, you’re so pretty now - look at her Roberto, isn’t she beautiful?

During this Patz walked over to her Comara who wrapped her arm around her waist and squeezed. Comara Delfina looked about her mother’s age - but somehow different. A little more hip than her mother? Trendier maybe?

Hello Comara, how are you? Patz tried to distract her from the gushy stuff.

Well, it was a long drive, about two hours from Kangaroo Dam. Where? Wasn’t that a ski resort in Western Australia?

Oh. Patz said conversationally. But, Comara had different ideas.

How old are you now, Pasqualina?

Fifteen.

That’s right, my Giuseppe is just one year older than you. I had him in October, so many years ago. Where is he? Giuseppe? Giuseppe! GIUSEPPE!

I think he’s outside with Nicky. Mrs. Salvo interrupted.

Oh well, you should go outside and say hello to him. Comara suggested.

I’m sure you remember him from the last time we saw each other. And with that, Comara patted Patz lightly on the lower back and pushed her towards the back door.

4.

     Patz wanted to laugh. Wait, so, I’m supposed to remember this guy when I can’t even remember his mother, and I’ve never even heard of his hometown?

She mused. Giuseppe, Giuseppe? A vague; very vague memory came to her. A long, long, long drive. A dark, boring, funny-smelling house and a shy boy wearing green pants and an orange turtleneck pullover. And, no matter how many times she asked and even begged him, he wouldn’t let her have a go on his Operation game. Oh my God, not him?! Patz looked apprehensively around the backyard expecting to see a grown up version of Giuseppe decked out in his green cords and orange sweater. Luckily, there was no-one in sight.

She back-tracked to the side of the house and around to the front. A removals van was parked in the driveway and two men were unloading a couch. Oh my God! Patz cursed herself now for wearing her old tracksuit. The guy stepping down from the van was absolutely gorgeous! He looked like a male model - black hair, blue eyes, and huge muscles bulging out from his T-shirt. Patz glanced cursorily at the person holding the other end of the couch. He was more hair than anything else. In fact, he looked exactly like a haircut gone wrong! Nicky, who was standing watching the boys unload, came and stood beside her.

Where’s what’s-his-name? Patz asked Nicky.

Who? Nicky always had to be a smart arse.

You know, Delfina’s son.

There. Nicky said, pointing at the two guys who were gently easing the couch onto the driveway beside the removals van. Oh my God, that was Giuseppe?! Patz wondered if she’d confused her memory of Giuseppe with some other kid. Or maybe, she thought, living in Wallaby Lake for so many years has done wonders for him. Because that hunk over there was her cousin - or friend-of-the-family to be precise! Well, it was either him or…

Which one? She asked, half dreading the answer. She tried to look casual and caught the eye of the muscly guy and smiled. But just then, the couch was finally placed on the ground and both men stood up. The blue-eyed angel straightened up and Patz noticed the ‘Western Removals’ logo printed on his T-shirt. The hair-bear, whose uniform consisted of black skin-tight jeans and a black Metallica T-shirt, blinked through his fringe and mumbled, Hello.

Hello. Patz whimpered in reply, standing stupidly with her hands clenched at her side. Not fair, not fair, not fair! Why did Bon Jovi’s retarded brother have to be her relative! The removal guy called to Giuseppe to help him carry some more furniture, so Patz walked back down the driveway and sat down on the front steps. As she watched the hunk lifting chairs in and out of the van – she tried to console herself. Well, it’s probably a good thing that he isn’t related to me. I mean, I can chat him up and not have to worry about any awkward being-sort-of-related issues. But even as she rationalized it in her mind, reality kicked in. Yeah, right. As if I would ever have the guts to even try to speak to the removal guy. Patz felt a sinking feeling as she realized that she would never have the courage to do something as assertive at that.

Nicky soon followed Patz up the driveway and started asking stupid questions.

Do you remember him? Patz shook her head.

Neither do I. Nicky agreed. Patz sighed and looked at him.

You weren’t born yet. Nicky nodded his head to show his understanding and then decided to disclose his observations.

Your face went really, really red just then. He told her. Patz put her head into her hands and held her breath. She so wanted to tell him to