HEALING ACROSS TIME I: Healing For Parts and All of Me

By Lorrie Leigh

“What are you thinking, Lorrie? Why would you tell on yourself to the whole world?” Answer: “Because the Holy Spirit asked me to tell my story to help others.” A central theme of this book is “What is wrong with me?” I learned that “what was wrong” was that I had many partially split personalities that had not been evident to me or others and that repressed painful and guilty memories from my childhood and adulthood were surfacing. The teachings in A Course in Miracles enabled me to face those memories. My journey has been painful and a little weird, but I am glad I chose to walk into the darkness rather than deny it because that choice led to healing and peace for me. I pray that my story will help many others come to a place of healing and peace.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Nov 9, 2023
• ISBN: 9781663256249

Lorrie Leigh

My name is Lorrie Leigh (pen name). I am a mother and grandmother who has lived and is living a mostly ordinary life. What is not ordinary about my life is the spiritual journey the Holy Spirit led me on to bring healing to myself, members of my family, and people (Souls) in our family lines. Raising our children is my greatest accomplishment. I stayed home until the two youngest were in the middle grades, then I did part-time office work and bookkeeping. My husband and I divorced when the youngest were 13 and 16. I led a busy life. For many years I baked all our bread, raised a large garden, canned most of our vegetables, and did sewing alterations for customers. I taught catechism and played the organ at church for ten years. Suffice it to say I made good use of my abilities. I call that “living an ordinary life.”

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Copyright © 2023 Lorrie Leigh.

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ISBN: 978-1-6632-5623-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6632-5624-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023917595

iUniverse rev. date: 10/30/2023

CONTENTS

PREFACE

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

CHAPTER 1: WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME? Feb ‘80-Sept ‘87

SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS

MY PURPOSE IS SET

Feb 12, ‘84 STRUGGLING IN MARRIAGE

ERUPTION OF ANGUISH

DEEP CATHARSIS NEEDED

I VALIDATE YOUR DECISION

AGGLUTINATION

NEW PERSPECTIVE ON ANGER

CHAPTER 2: FROM POSSIBILITY TO REALITY Oct ‘87-Dec ‘90

YOU CAN BEGIN TO BELIEVE

BACKGROUND CLUES

EMOTIONAL ERUPTION

I AM YOUR FRIEND

IT’S TIME TO GROW UP

FULLY RECEIVE

GOD, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!

EMOTIONAL AFTERMATH

I SPEAK UP TO MY DAD

IT’S OK TO CRY UNCLE

I UNDERSTAND

STRUGGLE WITH CONCEPT OF SIN

CHAPTER 3: ONE ME, OR MANY? Mar ‘91-Feb ‘92

SPLIT PERSONALITIES?

A ROSE OF HOPE

BREAKTHROUGH!

WHERE I AM AT

YOU CLIMBED ONTO MY LAP!

ROSE-COLORED GLASSES

A TRAUMATIC MEMORY SURFACES

NOT AS DARK AS IT MAY APPEAR

MY INNER SELF NAMES PARTS

I VALIDATE YOU ETERNALLY

COME TO KNOW YOURSELF

GIVING AND RECEIVING

CHAPTER 4: IS THIS HAPPENING? Mar-May ‘92

TOCCATAN! TOCCATAN!

THE WAY TO THE FATHER!

RATHER BELIEVE

DID I SEE THAT?

MEMORY RECALL PICKS UP PACE

ANOTHER DELUGE OF MEMORIES

MIND CONTROL

INCIDENT AT AGE THREE

HEALING FOR LITTLE LORRIE

AN ONUS IS LIFTED!

CHAPTER 5: VICTIM …AND PERPETRATOR? May-Dec ‘92

OUT WITH SHAME!

SEXUAL ACTING OUT WITH JOEL

IN TOUCH WITH TEENAGE LORRIE

FATHER GOD: MESSAGE TO JOEL

I MEET BAD SYLVIAP

MERCY IS NEEDED

TOUGHEST HOEING AHEAD

VERY CONFLICTED AS A CHILD

5-A: PARTS GET HONEST WITH ME (Sept-Oct ‘92)

I MEET JULIANNEP

JANETP SHARES

NOXIOUS MEMORIES

WHO ARE MY VICTIMS?

DECISION TO DISCLOSE THE INCEST

CHAPTER 6: GETTING BETTER ACQUAINTED Jan-Nov ‘93

GOOD PLAN!

PREGNANT AT SIXTEEN?

HERE STANDS A WINNER!

SALLYP SAYS IT LIKE IT IS

THE GNAWING OF GUILT

THE FATHER’S PLAN

CHILD, WAKE UP!

JANETP: POSSIBLE SELF

I RECEIVE YOU, MYSELF

THE GOAL IS PEACE

SYLVIAP ON INTEGRATION

6-A: FESSING UP TO MY SIBLINGS (Jan-Feb ‘93)

DISCLOSURE TO FAMILY

RESPONSE FROM FAMILY

CHAPTER 7: STEADY DOES IT May ‘94-Apr ‘96

7-A: MURDERER? (Oct ‘92-Sept ‘94)

HOUNDED

WHY DON’T YOU LISTEN?

EXPLOSION!

HEALING FOR KIM

MORE TO OPEN UP

A MESS HANDED ON BY MOM

ANOTHER ASSAULT

YOU ARE COMING TOGETHER

MY BIRTH FATHER

CHAPTER 8: KABLOOEY! Jan ‘97-Apr ‘99

8-A: LEE AND ME, PART 1 (Apr ‘96-Apr ‘98)

WHAT GOOSES YOU?

A JUMP TO AN ALTERNATE PERSONA

SACRED JOINING

RED LETTER DAY

PANDORAP ON DID

SALLYP: OUR INTERNAL MAKEUP

DID I ABUSE MY CHILDREN?

PAIN CARRIED FOR EONS

SHAME TO THE CORE

GOSH, O FRIGHTY!

CHAPTER 9: BOTTOM OF THE BARREL Apr ‘07-Sept ‘13

DEFINITIVE ANSWERS

ADMITTING SIN

GUILT-RIDDEN INCIDENT

9-A: LEE AND ME, PART 2 Mar ‘07-Dec ‘10)

LEARNING MORE ABOUT LEE

LEE, NO!

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SITUATION

9-B: RON AND ME (Mar ‘08-Oct ‘11)

TOUGH PROCESSING

GALL LEFT BEHIND

9-C: LORI AND NITA (Feb ‘08-Nov ‘10)

TELL THEM ABOUT LEE?

TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN

MANY BEING HELPED

OH, NO!

9-D: KEEPING MY HOUSE IN ORDER (Jul ‘10-Jan ‘22)

MISS KNOW-IT-ALL

PRISCILLAP

ONE PART SPEAKS FOR ALL

DREAD SECRETS OPEN UP

FINISHING TOUCH

HEALING FOR EVERYONE

IN SUMMARY

APPENDIX

A. PROCESS OF FORGIVENESS

B. CLEAR OUTSIDE SOULS

C. CELLULAR MEMORIES

BIBLIOGRAPHY

GLOSSARY

OTHER BOOKS IN THE SET

REFERENCES

PREFACE

Kablooey! You blew it! The time would come when those words would apply to me, but back in the 1980s, I was blissfully unaware of what would transpire in the coming years. I see it as a blessing that we can’t foresee the future!

You may be taken aback at seeing the old dates throughout the book. There is nothing old-dated, however, about my story or the messages from Spirit interwoven throughout. There is no time in the world of spirit.

My Background

I grew up on a small farm, one of the older kids in the large Catholic family of Herb and Myrna Goerger. I attended high school as a candidate for becoming a nun and became a novice. I was asked to go home because of personal problems and having developed migraine headaches (indications of not having a religious vocation). I returned home, attended college for two years, and taught grade school for two years.

I yearned to find a partner so I wouldn’t be alone. The only thing I had heard or read about love was from an article by a psychologist in The Farmer magazine: One sign of loving somebody is that you feel comfortable with them. I didn’t know there was such a thing as sexual attraction.

I began dating Ron Jahner in September of my second year of teaching. He had a good job (farming in partnership with his brother Lee) and met my criteria of being a Catholic; he didn’t smoke or drink too much, was easy to talk to, and had a good sense of humor. Most importantly, I felt comfortable with him. We got engaged in December and married that June.

I felt good and had a lot of energy until my mid-thirties. Then, because of hormone changes, the stress of raising children, or whatever else, I began having headaches and felt anxious and somewhat depressed. Medication for anxiety helped, but not feeling well changed my outlook. There has to be more to life than housework and cooking meals!

When Ron and I were in our early 40s, we sold our land to his brother Lee and moved to town. My headaches got worse after we moved. I attributed that primarily to having to deal with Ron’s psychological struggles.

I taught Sunday school the second year we lived there, but by that April, I had barely enough energy to continue. I told God I couldn’t continue unless I would receive a spiritual infilling. I attended a 2-day Prayer and Scripture workshop at a nearby Catholic college that June. After the first day of the workshop, Ron went into a two-hour tirade about a past situation he was upset about, and then he said, You want to learn how to teach other kids when you don’t even know how to teach your own? (He was OK beforehand with my attending the workshop.)

Turning Point

I needed to talk to somebody about the stress I was feeling. I chose to talk to Audrey, whom I met on the first day. She offered to pray with me. I cried all the while she was praying.

After asking if I believed in Jesus (Yes, I do), Audrey prayed that I would be open to inviting Jesus into my life and asked God to lift this burden from this woman that it’s more than she can bear. Then she prayed in tongues!

I read about charismatic prayer groups and praying in tongues but never imagined anyone in that area would pray in tongues! God did know I was hurting! He had arranged for Audrey to pray with me, knowing she would pray in tongues!

Two hours later, at Mass, I said to Jesus, I have always done what you wanted me to. I invited you into my life. Within me, Jesus replied from within me, But you didn’t invite me into your heart. (That was my first experience of hearing an inner voice.) As I said, Please come in! my heart instantly filled with overwhelming love for everybody, including Ron! Those feelings stayed with me for three hours.

From that point on, I was drawn to spend time with God daily, reading Bible passages and writing my thoughts about them. I also began attending a weekly charismatic prayer group meeting at a church in town that Audrey told me about.

In March 1980, a woman who attended that prayer group received a word from the Holy Spirit that, at prayer time, I should first pray quietly for a while and then write down the thoughts that would come to mind. As I began doing that, spiritual ideas and lessons from God (Spirit, Jesus) flowed easily into my mind, and I simply wrote them down.

Ron and I divorced in September 1986. I returned to college, received a BA in Psychology, and completed most of the classes for becoming a counselor. I changed my mind about going into that line of work, but that education helped me understand myself and others better. Psychology continued to be one of my main interests. I read many self-help books and researched related topics online.

Inner Turmoil, Split-Off Parts

I wrote down lessons from Spirit, my thoughts about certain Scripture verses, my struggles, and my feelings for many years. While doing that, I gradually became aware of a large lump of uptight, mixed-up feelings within me. My time growing up and at the convent didn’t include noticing or talking about emotions, and until my children got a little older, I was too busy to pay attention to anything except what I had to do.

I gradually realized that I very likely had split and partially split personalities. I was able to hear what they said in my thoughts like I heard Spirit speaking (none of it audibly). All along, I shared my experiences with my counselor.

For those of you who are thinking my talk about parts of me having different ideas than I do or than other parts of me do sounds like foolishness, ponder this: It is common for a person to think, "I really should go to that wedding (meeting, party), but part of me doesn’t want to.

Many emotionally difficult memories surfaced, particularly during the early 1990s. A few were from other lifetimes.

By Sept ‘99, I had processed those memories fairly well and seldom thought about them anymore. I spent my time typing and editing what I thought of as the story of my inner journey: The lessons I had received from Spirit and my journaling up to that point. I planned on publishing it someday. By that December, I thought I had finished working on it.

Fern Enters the Picture

I met Fern Shakta at a charismatic prayer meeting in 1993, and we began visiting each other every week or two. She didn’t drive because of an earlier injury, so I went to her place. We loved playing the game UpWords and had similar spiritual beliefs. After meeting a few times, we began to include praying for people we knew who needed prayer.

Fern had attended a workshop where she learned how to discern whether the answer to questions that she or others asked the Holy Spirit was Yes or No. I attended that type of workshop in 2007 and learned how to do that, too. Also, both Fern and I received understanding directly from Spirit.

We began asking the Holy Spirit questions of a spiritual nature. I wrote down all of the questions and the answers. To my amazement, many questions started pouring into my mind at almost any time of day that I wrote down and asked the Holy Spirit the next time that Fern and I met. While we were together, many more questions came to mind for both Fern and me that we asked the Holy Spirit. I continued writing down all of the questions and answers.

In early 2006, I asked Fern to read my story to offer suggestions. Her first comment after reading it was, Wow! That’s like walking nude down Main Street! I replied, Yes, but it’s OK because sin and guilt aren’t real, a concept taught by A Course in Miracles that both of us had been studying.

When you have accepted the Atonement for yourself, you will realize there is no guilt in God’s Son (acim.org T-13.I.6:1).

There is no guilt in you, for God is blessed in His Son as the Son is blessed in Him (acim.org T-14.V.1:12).

The Course says we have to deal with sin and guilt in our earthly lives but teaches there is a way to think about and deal with those issues without judgment and condemnation.

I was in for a big surprise! Fern sensed that I wasn’t finished writing. There was more to come. She said the Holy Spirit wanted me to include portions of what we had learned by asking the Holy Spirit questions.

Fern and I continued to meet and ask the Holy Spirit the questions that came to mind. Also, I received many more lessons from Spirit and did a lot of writing about my inner journey. Sadly, Fern died of cancer in August 2009, but she continued to assist me with the writing. designates that she answered from the other side.

Addressing Issues

I include many entries about feeling lost, fearful, insecure, emotionally blocked, unable to receive love, and struggling to believe that God is real. That may be just too much for some of you, but those entries will help many people struggling with those issues. Healing and forgiveness take place in layers.

Many of you who are reading this may not believe in people living more than one lifetime. I am not trying to convince anybody that that is the case. I am simply relating my experiences and what I learned from Spirit. Messages I received from Spirit regarding that:

Mar 1, ‘08. [| Only part of your Spirit is incarnated at any given time. The rest of your Spirit, your Higher Self, oversees your experiences and lovingly directs you from the spirit world. Your Higher Self is one with Me, yet distinct as a Spirit. |]

May 7, ‘08. Father God, does each portion of one’s Full Soul live a human life only once? [| Y |] Since the Soul portions are from a unit, does it seem to each portion of the Soul like the experiences of the other portions happened to them? [| Y |] Does our Soul carry the memories of all our lifetimes? [| Y |]

Things to Know

Lorrie Leigh (Lay) and Fern Shakta are pen names. I gave alternative names to everyone I mentioned.

Messages from Spirit (Father-Mother God, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus) are designated by brackets: [| … |]

Following the example of A Course in Miracles, I capitalized the pronouns that refer to Father-Mother God and the Holy Spirit but not those that refer to Jesus.

Portions with titles all in capital letters are the ones I consider the most important. Portions with the title in capital and small letters are continuations of my story, not subheadings of the portion preceding them. Sections, e.g., 5-A, are mini-stories within the main story.

(!!!) Means a sudden insight from the Holy Spirit.

Superscript designations:

P… Part of me: JanetP

G… Spirit Guide: RomuoldG

MP… Me Prior life: VinettaMP

Dates within each section, e.g., 5-A, are in parentheses in chronological order.

Dates in the main text are not in parentheses and are in chronological order from the beginning to the end of the book. However, a few are in parentheses to keep that portion under that particular heading.

Directions for doing the clearings I tell about are in Healing Across Time III.

Why the name Healing Across Time?

Working through repressed memories brought healing across time between adult me and parts of me and between family members and me. As time passed, I learned that portions of my Soul from earlier lifetimes were with me, which needed clearing and healing. Ministering to them brought healing across time between my Soul and their Soul and between their Souls and the Souls of other people.

My story is mainly a journey of the heart and emotions, but it wends its way into my physical life, as I was faced with having to accept many things about myself that were very difficult to swallow.

The lessons and messages from Spirit were addressed to me but, upon publication, are now addressed to everyone who is open to receiving them.

Healing Across Time I may open up a whole ‘nother world for you. Welcome aboard!

                                                                    Peace to all!

                                                                        Lorrie

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Thank You, Father-Mother God, Holy Spirit, for prompting me to study the teachings of A Course in Miracles, for Your patience in teaching and encouraging me as You guided me on the path to healing and wholeness, and for sustaining me in good health. Thank You for keeping faith in me, even though it took a long time until I became (mostly) willing to release being in control of things myself. You are awesome!

Thank you, Jesus, for your patience in teaching and encouraging me, particularly during the earlier years when I first began receiving lessons from Spirit.

Thank you, Fern, for being a loving, nonjudgmental friend, for joining me in receiving understandings from Spirit – being a fellow listener – for eight years. Thank you for helping me process traumatic memories and, after crossing over in August 2009, for being on the spiritual writing-editing team that has patiently assisted me with getting the writings into a suitable form for publishing. Thank you to every member of that team. God bless you, Fern and Team!

Thank you, Mandy, for the spiritual Readings you did for me. The information you received from Spirit and your encouragement for KimP helped tremendously. God bless you!

Thank you, Beth Stein, for being a loving, nonjudgmental friend, offering encouragement, double-checking answers from the Holy Spirit, ministering to me, and being my spiritual sister. God bless you!

Thank you, Jennie Seil, for your love and encouragement and for being there for me. We met only a few years ago, but I immediately felt like we had known each other for a long time. God bless you!

CHAPTER 1

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?

Feb 15, ‘80        SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS

I am becoming aware that I feel a need to protect myself after hearing about women and girls being abused. Why do I respond as though it happened to me? Why do I have such a crying need for love? Reading or thinking about God or anyone loving me triggers crying for me rather than happiness.

Do I love myself? Feeling like crying at the thought of being loved might be because I am rejecting myself. Do I belong anywhere? Am I accepted as a member of my church? Does God accept me? (Tears)

God, please bring me to where I can hear about and feel Your love and the love of others and receive it joyfully.

[|      Simply be. |]

I realized that I look down on myself and think of other people as being better than I am because of being more poised, better organized and fashionably dressed, more caught up on current news, calmer in their approach to life, and so on.

As I tell myself, God loves me or I am OK, I don’t fully believe it. When I asked Jesus to replace or fill up what was lacking, I could feel myself cringing, Are you expecting Jesus to do that for you? Who do you think you are? Jesus, in blind faith, I place myself in your care!

The aversion I often felt about having sex came to the surface. I prayed for healing of past situations that caused me to feel that way. I don’t entirely choose to have sex with Ron. I tell my body to do it "like I am supposed to."

Apr 11, ‘80. An onslaught of aversion to having sex arose, a whole-body rebellion about having to be willing. I want to hang onto those feelings like it is my right to feel that way.

Jesus, help me! I have been struggling a lot with having sexual relations. I feel forced to have sex. I try to do it freely, but deep down, a part of me is objecting. Any comment?

[|      Lorrie, I know you are concerned about wanting to be more open in loving Ron. I know where those feelings come from. Do not look down on yourself. You are OK. Bless you! |]

The resentment I feel towards Ron sometimes comes from thinking he should be different than he is! As I think about things that annoy me about him, I see that they fit in with his direct simplicity and his acceptance of who he is.

Do I feel resentment and anger towards God, and feeling resentment towards Ron is displaced anger? After releasing with tears, I forgave myself and rested in Jesus for a while.

Nov 11, ‘80. I attended a talk by an evangelist who said we could bring healing to our inner child by recalling times of happiness. She suggested thinking about a happy time in our childhood and that Jesus is with us, putting his arms around us and loving us.

At first, I felt happy as I pictured myself as a child making a dollhouse. But when I pictured Jesus being with me and loving me, I had to cry because of my strong need for love, which I seem to feel I didn’t receive enough of.

(!!!) The evangelist said, The child of each time and place is within us. I have been fragmenting myself as I think of the past! I picture that I am here and the girl I was at that time is somewhere else, and I feel sorry for her!

As best I could, I brought memories of myself as a child into myself. I am surrounded by Jesus’ love and care, with his (God’s) love extending back through time. With the child within me at every age, the more I love myself in whatever memory, the more I will receive healing and wholeness.

Lord, please fill every part of me with love. Thank You!

Feb 19, ‘81        Helping Ron in Spirit

Over two days, I came to the understanding that Ron felt rejected in his Soul even before birth. I felt deep compassion for him. As I prayed and wept for half an hour for him, I felt how he felt in his Soul as a baby. I resolved to do my best to love and accept him, including his little self.

I sense that that helped Ron. Thank You, God!

[|      My child, I bless your willingness to help. Another person often has to take the wash sloughed from a hurting Soul. The release must come, and where the hurt is intense in the Soul and early in life, it is sometimes impossible for it to surface. Their personality would be too fragile to take much stress, so I provide a way to spirit away the offending spirits back in time, the moment they entered.

As My love came to Ron through you, much healing took place. The deadened roots that resulted from his feeling rejected throughout his life can now be pulled out. From now on, any anger he expresses will be that much anger out for good. I have heard your prayers and the prayers of many others who are praying for Ron. The answer will be freedom. It is coming. |]

I am overwhelmed, Father! Thank You very much!

Feb 12, ‘82. God, please help with the worsening situation in my relationship with Ron. Our pastor said in a recent sermon: I hope you are friends with your spouse. That disturbs me because I can’t say I am a good friend of Ron’s.

[|      Lorrie, I am experiencing your side of the situation and Ron’s side. I share with you what you are going through and with Ron what he is going through.

You wonder whether you would call yourself Ron’s friend. That is a fair warning that not all is as it should be. If you are open in spirit to Ron, then love, joy, and peace will flow.

Ron is coming from a different place than you are. Words will not make him change. Only love can heal. There has been some healing already.|]

Ron, I am sorry for not allowing myself to be more open to you. It seems that I am not able to.

(Ten days later) Father, please take care of Ron. And please lift the burden from me that I am carrying regarding him.

[|      I am not sad about how things are with Ron. I see him blossoming spiritually. Let him have tough lessons in life as I choose to give.

Lonely days are an aspect of life everyone must go through alone. Other people can be there somewhat for the person but cannot enter their life. I enter, though, when the situation gets tough enough that the struggling person cries out for help. Gladly, I lift the burden from you! |]

Thank You, Father God! That helps a lot!

Mar 15, ‘83        MY PURPOSE IS SET

Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths, guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my savior, and my hope is in you all day long (NIV Ps 25;4-5).

I prayed that verse every day for more than two years. I truly believe that God will teach and guide us when we are open to it.

During high school at Mary Convent, I learned the concept of offering the Mass and prayers throughout the day for family and sick people and the salvation of Souls. I also learned about offering today as a prayer– willingly accepting whatever came along – for a specific person or intention.

I was moved by reading about the importance of praying for the salvation of Souls. After I had read that, Father God asked me a question during quiet time:

[|      Lorrie, would you be willing to accept your life and what comes into it for the sake of the salvation of Souls? You don’t have to reply immediately. Your life won’t go much different whether you say Yes or No, but saying Yes would benefit a great many Souls.|]

It was like life had prepared me for that moment. With joy in my heart, I replied: Yes, Father! I am willing to accept my life and what comes into it for the sake of the salvation of Souls!

[|      Thank you, Lorrie! I am happy about your decision. I assure you that you will not regret it even for a moment. Peace be with you as you go on your way! |]

I understand now that the salvation of Souls means helping people move from feeling afraid, unloving, and hopeless to feeling safe, more loving, and hopeful, from feeling Not OK to OK.

May 5, ‘83        A Lie Planted Within Me?

At a prayer meeting, the leader suggested we climb onto God’s lap like a young child and nestle our head against His shoulder. Thinking about doing that makes me feel like crying.

Do I have an unfilled need for affection from my father? Do I feel rejected? Insecure? What is wrong with me? Do I picture God holding a form of myself and not the real me?

Something tells me I am not OK. It feels like a lie has been planted within me that I am not OK because I have to keep telling myself that I am OK and God loves me.

I place myself in Your hands, Father. Please help me know to the depths of my being that I am loved, safe, and OK.

I join in spirit with everyone who feels lonely, frightened, insecure, helpless, and hopeless. We come to You, Father, to have You hold us. Thank You! (A well of emotions rose within me. I cried and rested in God for a while.)

Hearing about a woman having been raped upset me.

[|      My child, I will protect you from being depressed about that. I will make My ways known to you, but you must give up the parts of your way that contradict My way.|]

Two thoughts came to mind:

1. The experience passes.

2. God is life and is within the abused person. The attack is against life (in a way, against God), but God holds the attacker in love even while the attack is occurring.

Nov 8, ‘83    Spiritual Onus

It seems I am critical of myself no matter what I do. I sense that dislike right now, like a spiritual onus hanging over me. An onus is a burden or blame. One who has blame is guilty.

guilt n. 1 the state of having done a wrong or committed an offense 2 a painful feeling of self-reproach resulting from a belief that one has done something wrong or immoral (Web p. 632)

Synonyms for guilt are blame, reproach, dislike, contempt, condemnation, and self-rejection.

I realized that’s how I have been treating myself! I felt terrible about it and spent a while accepting various aspects of myself. I asked Jesus to be with me as I made marriage vows with myself:

I take you, Lorrie, prideful, judgmental, shy, angry, hurting Lorrie, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, from this day forward, to have and to hold in love.

I sense that I feel hurt and insecure from having a wounded spirit. I suspect Ron does, too.

[|      My child, I would have you be open to Ron’s desires and feelings. His Soul is crying out for someone to care about him and do something about his injured feelings. It is as though his heart has been rolled in thorns and is festering. Love Ron as being one with him. Be one with Me and love him.|]

It has been tough lately for Ron and me and our kids.

[|      My child, the worst is over for now. Believe that I can bring release to everyone. Nobody is cut off that much that love cannot reach them. I am with you and with Ron.|]

Dec 4, ‘83. What causes me not to feel OK? Spiritual onus. Something is hanging heavily upon me. A deep sense of not being OK. Did I reject myself from the very beginning? Was the Father of Lies present?

Jesus, please release the deep insecurity that I feel! How do I keep from criticizing myself? Please help me be more accepting of myself and what I choose to do. Thank you!

I had already received many lessons and messages from Spirit by then, but only gradually began to get in touch with my feelings. The first six pages of this chapter include everything I wrote about my feelings in three years!

When my emotions began surfacing, I couldn’t figure out what was happening. A big ball of emotion would engulf me. I couldn’t put a name to how I was feeling. Crying was the only way I knew to deal with how I felt.

Words of love from Father God and thinking about other people loving me would trigger crying. I couldn’t seem to believe that anybody loved me. I have felt that way for at least ten years. You may think Ron must have told me many times that he loved me. No, he didn’t.

Feb 12, ‘84    STRUGGLING IN MARRIAGE

Did I set standards of perfection for myself? That, when I don’t achieve those standards, a message is triggered, Not OK! Not OK! Father God, please set me free!

[|      The spirit of death can be within a person and cause a lot of turmoil. Only I should inhabit the temple of your being once you have taken Me as your Lord.|]

How can the spirit of death be cleared?

[|      By loving yourself unconditionally. Condemnation cannot be there at the same time.|]

Last Sunday at church, I watched a man lovingly hold his young daughter. I had to hold back my tears because that is the kind of affection I so wished to have received from my Dad.

The little girl laid her head on her Daddy’s shoulder, feeling completely secure. She put her arm around his neck and made little movements on his back with her fingers, signs of endearment. Then she stood beside him, continuing to be perfectly content, happy, and secure. She was with her Daddy!

I want to be that way in my heavenly Father’s arms: Feeling safe, resting, and giving little signs of affection.

July 5, ‘84. Two days ago, I tried to share my feelings with Ron (again). I felt better for trying, but I don’t think it will lead to permanent change. I feel like suggesting to Ron that we should go to counseling or get divorced.

I can’t take it for the rest of my life the way:

– Ron talks about our private life with relatives and strangers all over town.

– Ron criticizes my ideas and switches the subject whenever I mention how I feel. (I think he doesn’t know what to do about it when I cry.)

– My having to go through flare-ups of Ron’s anger about past hurts, with him trying to get me to think as he does.

Aug 24, ‘84        I See a Marriage Counselor

While I was raking leaves in the backyard, an extremely strong aversion to the thought of having sex and a feeling of needing to protect myself rose within me, along with:

[|      This time, don’t push it down. Deal with it.|]

I burst out crying. As I raked and cried, and cried and raked, I determined I would never, ever again have sexual relations unless I wanted to, no matter what anybody would say.

That evening, I told Ron I needed a break from having sex for quite some time. He went along with it but didn’t say much. I am sure he can’t begin to understand my reasons.

I began seeing a spiritual counselor, Tim, about being healed regarding sexuality. I shared sexual-related experiences from the beginning of my life onward with him.

While I was growing up, the word sex to me only meant being a boy or a girl. I realized later that Mom left it up to the sisters to teach me about sex because when my parents took me to the convent as a freshman in high school, the sisters said they would teach me everything I needed to know.

I learned from my sister Ann, who became a novice at that convent ten years after me, that the teaching about sex was scheduled for a few months before the novices would be taking their first vows. I went home before the time set for that teaching came.

I learned about sexual intercourse at age 20 when I saw the second meaning of intercourse in the dictionary. I felt extreme disgust when I read the biological description of having sex.

I learned from Tim that I need to let other people’s love and my love for myself come in, that if I don’t receive the love, I block God out! Lord, is that what is wrong with me, that I have a spirit of unloving?

[|      I am bringing you to healing. The path and method I am using will open the way for many others to receive healing through you later. Those who minister must be able to relate well. Do not worry about your feelings of being closed off, but let them fully surface now. I will lead your counselor in how to deal with this situation and pray about it. Peace! |]

I am beginning to realize that I carry hurtful experiences from the past and fears about the future as though they are a part of me. Lord, please show me the way!

[|      I am the Way, child. Live each moment with and in Me. The only way the past or future exists is in the now.|]

Tim told me that anger and other emotions are a part of being human, that one should feel angry about being taken advantage of, cheated out of what was rightfully ours, or whatever else. He said I needed to express my anger at having been poorly prepared for sexuality in marriage, for having had to go through those years with sex being such a burden. Tim said anger creates a wall between people and that being angry with someone doesn’t mean you blame them. It is important not to express anger hurtfully, but I need to express it. With that in mind, I spent an hour letting anguish and anger surface and expressing it in words, moans, and tears.

Lord, please help me deal with issues related to Ron.

[|      No problem is insurmountable, child. You have no other road to peace than how things will be going. Ron does love you. Be grateful for that and be open to his love as much as possible.

I understand how you feel. You must be your own best friend. Accept yourself with your feelings no matter what they are. If you do not accept them, you put yourself in isolation of the worst kind. But do not worry. We will get through this! |]

Thank You, Lord! I am glad You understand how I feel!

Feb 23, ‘85        ERUPTION OF ANGUISH

I have been feeling somewhat confused lately as I try to sort out my feelings. I continue living a life I don’t have much say about, but my perfectionism says that accepting things is the way to be good.

Part of me says I got gypped by having a husband with whom I haven’t been able to share my feelings. Another part says I don’t know how to share my feelings, and I probably wouldn’t have anyway, even if Ron had accepted how I feel.

Lord, what a mishmash of emotions! I feel like my spirit is a battlefield, all torn up and in disorder. Help!

I visited my brother, Father Ken, a trained counselor, for two