NEAR AWAKENING and The Value of Life: The Spiritual Journey of a Buddhist Nun and An Essay on the Gradual Path

By Quinn McDonald

“He asked if I was all settled in; although he meant settled into my accommodations, I took it to also mean settled in to meditate—ready to settle the mind into concentration. Always look for the double meaning.”

As a young adult, Quinn McDonald sought to understand the nature of truth: is there a singular universal truth, or does truth vary from person to person? Unsatisfied with the lack of answers in her hometown of Winnipeg, Manitoba, she ventured to Thailand to seek enlightenment as a Buddhist nun. Over the next thirteen years, she would receive teachings from the most prolific leaders in Buddhism and journey across the world on her path to near awakening.

As she studies and meditates, she must overcome obstacles both mental and physical: from splitting with her partner when they ordain at separate monasteries to having an infection cut out of her with no anaesthetic, Quinn’s path to the truth is a long and arduous one. But through the friends she makes and the teachers she connects with, she learns to decipher the teachings of the Buddha and apply them to her life, bringing her closer to understanding the nature of the world.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Nov 3, 2023
• ISBN: 9781665752084

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Copyright © 2023 Quinn McDonald.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

Edited by Austin Evans

ISBN: 978-1-6657-5207-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6657-5208-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023920283

Archway Publishing rev. date:  10/31/2023

Contents

Near Awakening

The Value of Life

Bibliography

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Drawing by Quinn McDonald

The Great Canadian Prayer

All seeing, all knowing,

King of the earth and sky.

Do not let me fall into evil,

But be the dawn for me to rise.

Show me the path with open eyes,

And I will walk, I will strive.

Dhammas in the mind, arising, falling,

Stable on the shield, I hear the calling.

May I attain the unconditioned, never to come, never to go,

A pristine lake that doesn’t flow.

By Quinn McDonald

Near Awakening

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I t’s called awakening because we live in the opposite: a dream. Another more common term is enlightenment. Or nirvana, or nibbana, to use the Buddha’s language. It is the goal of the spiritual path which begins when we want out of the dream. In the beginning of my path, I considered myself a truth-seeker. I had what is aptly described as a realization of the existential dilemma. I knew I wasn’t happy, and I had a gnawing feeling that the happiness that I wished for could not be found in what I considered the ‘snares of society.’ That is all I knew. I did not know the way out. This is where my story begins; it takes me to far-off remote corners of the world, but more importantly to near awakening.

So, I was a truth seeker, and to seek the truth I needed to be open to new, unfamiliar ideas. Being open meant reading about philosophy and religion. It meant lending an ear to other people’s truths. The question on my mind was—is there one universal truth or are there many individual truths to be found in the world?

I started out with Paganism, which tuned into nature. Gods and spirits, both helpful and harmful. It spoke of the innate potential of all people to be spiritually powerful. There was more out there than one book or one religion. This is where it gets difficult. Adhering to the Pagan religion would become a snare in itself because I held onto it fervently. Not that this book is about being free from all organized religion, because I was soon to give up everything for the life of a Buddhist nun. However, if you consider yourself a truth seeker then you must remain open to change everything you believe in for the highest truth. You must be ready, at all times, to give up your adherences if they fail you in some way, major or minor. And that is exactly what happened. Matthew came along.

He fell in love with me, and I fell in love with him. He was Buddhist and he wanted to become a monk. He told me that in two years he planned on finding a monastery to ordain as a Theravadin Buddhist monk. That was fine with me because I wasn’t looking for a life partner. We entered into a healthy, and at times intense, relationship. He challenged my beliefs and spoke of enlightenment, which was something I didn’t have much of a concept of. But the truth seeker in me had to listen. I became more and more curious, so I read his books.

The first book on Buddhism I read talked about the jhanas (refined mental absorptions) and the four stages of awakening. The first jhana has five factors: namely directed thought, sustained thought, rapture, happiness, and one-pointedness of mind. The second jhana has three factors: rapture, happiness, and one-pointedness of mind. The third jhana has two factors: happiness, and one-pointedness of mind. And the fourth jhana has one-pointedness of mind, and equanimity.

The four stages of awakening are stream-entry, once-returner, non-returner, and—the ultimate goal of the spiritual life—full and total awakening. There are, as described by the Buddha, ten fetters that are abandoned progressively in stages. In the first stage the fetters of self-view, doubt, and adherence to rites and rituals are abandoned. The second stage only weakens the two fetters of lust and aversion, while at the third stage the fetters of lust and aversion are completely abandoned. And at the last stage the fetters of ignorance, conceit, restlessness, craving for form, and craving for immaterial existence are abandoned.

I was very impressed with the clear and gradually more refined explanation of the spiritual path. It made sense to me. First you direct your mind, then you let go of everything that could cloud it and cause you to suffer. The impression went deep. I had tried to meditate previously, but I realized that on some level I didn’t know what I was meditating for. This book spelt it out clearly, and the end result would be awakening.

Eventually I left the Pagan religion for a period of study where I read books on Buddhism, Daoism, Hinduism, Native spirituality, and Sikhism. I meditated and spent time journaling in parks and coffee shops. I was out to find the highest truth. Then I got pregnant.

Matthew was planning on becoming a monk in one year and I didn’t want to become a mother. I valued my freedom and this new person in my belly was just another snare in the world. The Buddha talked about the world as a fetter that the practitioner needs to free themselves from. He spoke of the eight worldly winds, namely: pleasure and pain, gain and loss, status and loss of status, praise and blame. These are the eight things in the world that no one person can be free from, not even the Buddha. The only way to be completely free from the eight worldly winds is to not be born into this world. The Buddha declared that once someone has freed themselves from all the fetters and gained full awakening, then they will not be born again after death. They will attain what is called Parinibbāna—final and total release from all suffering. Although I didn’t know at that time that within a year and a half I would be devoting my life to the search for total awakening, I knew that I needed to preserve my freedom. So, I decided I would give the baby up for adoption.

I considered it an act of generosity. The gift of life. There was an open adoption agency in the city where we lived, and that option was appealing to both me and Matthew. We found the perfect parents who couldn’t conceive a child but wanted to share their love. It went perfectly. It was a joyous occasion once she was born at my mother’s house. I felt I had done the right thing and I was free again. Matthew then invited me to tour the monasteries in the U.S. and Canada where he was considering ordaining. I agreed to go.

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O ur tour began with Birken Forest Monastery, a 14-acre property in a remote part of British Columbia. There were two monks residing there. They wore dark yellow, almost brown, robes. They were kind yet serious. It made you on guard, to not say something silly or offhanded. We were there for a purpose and the senior monk, Ajahn Sona, was a constant reminder of it. Meditation, solitude, study, and question and answer. There was a schedule to be followed and it started at 5am with morning chanting and silent meditation.

Matthew and I still enjoyed each other’s company, but we kept to ourselves for the most part. I was transforming. I felt a strong faith arise in me; not only for the monks, who I saw as shining examples of what I felt I wanted to be, but due to the whole atmosphere of it. Living in the forest in a hut had been a dream of mine for some years already and I felt the peace seep into my heart. The smell of the forest, the calls of the birds, the smell of a wood stove, and the exotic food that the Thai and Sri Lankan people brought for the monks and lay practitioners. I felt I was in sync with the lifestyle, and I was ready to dive in.

We practiced breath meditation because it is the only meditation taught by the Buddha that he said was suitable for every practitioner. He taught forty meditation subjects, and I started gaining interest in the body meditations. I came across a book of an autopsy, and I started exploring the body part meditation. It starts with the hair on top of your head and moves to the body hair, nails, teeth, and then skin. One is instructed to see the body parts as separate from the body to develop a healthy sense of disgust for the body which is made up of the four great elements—earth, wind, fire, and water. The purpose of this meditation is to combat lust for the body. If you think of it in terms of the goal of the spiritual life—that we want to be free from suffering—we must let go of the body. It stays with us only until death, and then what? If we haven’t developed the right view toward the body then we will be reborn only to experience the sufferings of life all over again.

So, I delved into it. Looking inside at the bones, sinews, muscle, heart, lungs, intestines, and so forth. I used this meditation as an anchor for many years to come, especially the skeleton. It was something solid and it was the only thing that wouldn’t decay. When the body is left in a coffin after death, eventually all that will remain is the skeleton. Many years later, practicing in Sri Lanka, I would focus on the whiteness of the bones in my body and enter into the first jhana. When the skeleton became clear and the mind became calm, I would focus on the whiteness of the bones and then use that to begin white Kasina meditation. Kasina meditation is the use of colors as a theme of meditation, leading to jhana.

With the arising of faith and my growing interest in Buddhist meditation, I decided that I would forgo any plans I had made for my life and find somewhere to ordain for at least one year. After which I would make up my mind as to whether I could devote my life to the Buddha, Dhamma, and Sangha. So now, not only was Matthew on the search for a monastery, but so was I. He was pleased with my new direction, but it wasn’t about him. I felt a yearning. The yearning for solitude, for deep inward investigation. I needed to find out if this was the path to ultimate happiness. That in my search for truth had I found what I was looking for. Or at the very least, would it lead me to what I was looking for.

I started doing more walking meditation. I liked the slow rhythm of it. Standing at one end of the path with eyes downcast, hands folded together in front, then taking mindful steps to the other end. I was instructed that I didn’t have to walk slowly. Just whatever pace felt natural. This posture would become the cornerstone of my practice. I would watch my breath going in and out. When I got to the end of the path, I would just check to make sure that I was still focused on the breath, and then mindfully turn around and repeat. The ideal path is between twenty-five to thirty paces long. No distractions. I would alternate walking meditation with sitting meditation, as was recommended. All four postures can be practiced in Buddhist meditation; that is sitting, walking, standing, and lying down. I was a walker.

At that first monastery, I heard about a Canadian nun who had left to ordain in Thailand. Birken Forest Monastery is part of the Thai Forest Tradition. It was a revival of forest practice started primarily by the meditation master Ajahn Mun. When four Thai monks were invited to Canada in order to visit the Thai laypeople, they were brought to Birken Forest Monastery where Elizabeth was living in a trailer. She was overwhelmed with faith and when one of the monks asked her if she was going to ordain with him in Thailand she couldn’t refuse. It intrigued me, but I wasn’t ready to make the leap and go to Thailand where there was little English language. So, I put it in the back of my mind.

After two weeks it was time to leave. Matthew and I then went to Vancouver Island for a 10-day silent retreat set up by the Vipassana Meditation group which was founded by a man named S. N. Goenka. He was an Indian man who studied meditation in Burma and gave retreats to laypeople. Their organization had no monks or nuns. They didn’t ask for money, but donations were accepted at the end of the retreat.

There were only two meals a day, same as at Birken Forest Monastery. We were expected to sit for one hour at a time, approximately eight hours a day. No books, no radio, no talking with your roommates.

There was a Chinese nun in the women’s group who I felt very drawn to. I wanted to tell her that I was considering becoming a nun. But because of the no talking rule I had to wait until the retreat was over to speak to her. When I did get to talk with her, she was sweet and kind, gentle in her speech. She was devoted to her meditation, even though she was in school studying. She encouraged me to enter the monastic life and it gave me confidence that I was on the right track.

Matthew and I spent a lot of time discussing the teachings of the Buddha. I now look back on it as a honeymoon period for me. All the teachings in the books I read were so exciting to learn about. Most of what I read I immediately agreed with. Other parts needed to digest. I felt I was coming closer and closer to understanding the path to truth and happiness. Soon we would be off on the bus to California where there were two more Theravadin Buddhist monastery in the forest tradition.

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A bhayagiri Buddhist Monastery was where I finally declared myself a Buddhist. I took the three refuges and five precepts on one the holy days. I believed in the possibility of awakening, and I was devoted to realizing that truth in this very life. The way I thought about it was that the best thing I could do with my life was to at least give awakening a real try. If I didn’t realize the Dhamma in this life at least I would have developed the quality of perseverance.

We fit in perfectly, one resident