EASY PARENTEEN

By Edy Ewoh

Parents have the wonderful privilege of being teenagers twice in their lifetime. First as teens themselves and being parents of teens. This experience allows them to manage their teens, knowing it is the most challenging stage of a child’s life. Teens are exposed to a variety of external and psychological problems. Faced with hormonal changes, puberty, societal and parental forces, work and school pressures, the youngster is a complicated jumpstart for their parents.
Many teenagers believe their parents misunderstand them. Their feelings and beliefs must be affirmed, especially if the affirmation comes from their parents. Parents should approach their children coping with adolescent growth concerns with caution and a kind demeanour to discuss the matter.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Aug 20, 2023
• ISBN: 9781794717640

Book preview

Table of Content

Table of Content

Foreword

Preface

Acknowledgement

Introduction

Understanding Teens

Once A Teen, Twice A Teenager

Understand These Teens

Today’s Teen

A Moving Target

First Shot Fire

Invest More in Relationship

Risky Parenteen

Common Problems: Phone Usage

Not Just Once

Experimenting Drug Use

A Matter of Concern

Moving Forward

The Big Talk

Teenage Pregnancy

Anxiety and Depression

What is Happening?

Leading the Way

Check Your Parenteen Style

Choose Your Battles Wisely

Providing Guidance to Teenagers

Motivate and Inspire

Teach Responsibility

Teenagers Are God’s Gift

Bibliography

Index

Foreword

P

arenting teenagers is an important job which can be both challenging and rewarding. Many teens have conflicting feelings about growing up and aren't yet able to gracefully manage these emotions. They can be inconsistent with their affections, argumentative, and sometimes even hurtful. As your teen struggles with becoming independent, it is natural for them to detach from you sometimes. Although they may never let on, your unconditional love and guidance are essential and valued.

This book, "Easy Parenteen", is a comprehensive and indispensable resource guide designed to assist parents of teens in understanding the uniqueness, storms and conflicts of teenagers growing up in these challenging times and to parent them with truth and grace. The book will assist parents in nurturing their development as they seek to parent and encourage wholeness in their teens.

This unique book provides the opportunity for parental transformation by resolving issues that originated or plagued their growing years, defensive styles that internally shaped parents' opinions and interactions with their teens, ending the hand-down process, giving the teens what is needed and being a model of what they teach.

The author, with practical, insightful approaches without being permissive or overly dominating, powerfully shaped the parent – teen relationship by highlighting keys to understanding the psychology of teens, conflicts of the teenage years, care and acceptance that make grace real real to the teenagers and firmness and discipline that gives direction.

Easy Parenteen provides a practical middle ground for raising teens who will handle life with maturity and wisdom. Thus, it is a fantastic resource for parents who wish to help their teens develop a four-wheel drive capacity in character traits of responsibility, reality, competence, morality and spirituality.

Easy Parenteen is a must-read, as the tips will help parents and guardians equip teens to accept life's responsibilities and grow from its challenges while freely and fully exploring all life has to offer.

Alozie, Yetunde, Ph.D

Children’s Ministries Director

Eastern Nigeria Union Conference of Seventh-Day Adventists

Preface

A

book for parents who are in their second phase of teenage. Working with young people for more than 23 years, building support groups and networks that help them navigate the hurdle of growing up in today’s polarized civilization, it became obligatory to help parents with this resource material dealing with teenagers today.

Seeing people grow from childhood right before your eyes can be insightful. The struggle is enormous for parents and children as they go through this most turbulent stage of life. So difficult for the teenager and highly frustrating for parents. I sink myself in pity, seeing the grace of life waste in resentment, bitterness,  and confusion as teenage children battle with their parents or parents battle with their teenagers. They vary on everything yet are plagued by one and the infirmity—the age of teens. Observing from a distance, one quickly realises the opportunities wasted and privileges lost—parents and children alike.

Parenting is a journey that defies description, encompassing moments of unparalleled joy, heartwarming love, and undeniable challenges. From the moment we cradle our newborns in our arms to the day we watch them take their first independent steps, we witness the miracle of growth and transformation. Through sleepless nights and shared laughter, we forge unbreakable bonds with our children, guiding them through the maze of life's experiences.

Yet, nestled within this journey is a stage that often evokes apprehension and unease—teenagehood. It is a phase where the adorable giggles of childhood give way to the intense emotions and complex aspirations of adolescence. It's a time of rapid physical and emotional change when young individuals discover their identities and seek their place in the world.

Many of us have heard the narratives surrounding the teenage years: the rebellion, mood swings, and communication breakdowns. These stories often overshadow the moments of growth, self-discovery, and potential woven into this tapestry. The challenge is to shift our perspective and embrace teenagehood not as a crisis but as a gift—an opportunity for growth, connection and renewed understanding.

Easy Parenteen was born from this desire to reshape the narrative surrounding parenting teenagers. It is a guide for parents navigating the waters of teenagehood, searching for a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship with their adolescents. This book is not a list of quick fixes or guaranteed solutions but an exploration of the transformative power of understanding, empathy, and faith.

In these pages, we'll journey together to uncover the treasures that teenagehood brings. We'll explore the teachings of the Bible and glean wisdom from its verses that highlight the significance of children and teenagers in God's design. We'll discover how our teenagers are not just vessels of challenges but of potential, capable of forging their paths and contributing positively to the world around them.

One of the pillars of Easy Parenteen is renewing the mind. This transformative process encourages our teenagers to align their thoughts with the truths presented in the Bible, empowering them to navigate life's challenges with courage and grace. As parents, we have the privilege of nurturing this growth and helping our teenagers develop a strong foundation of faith and values.

Our journey through Easy Parenteen is not one of perfection but one of progress. We'll celebrate victories, acknowledge struggles, and embrace the imperfections that make us human. Through it all, we'll strive to create an environment where our teenagers feel loved, understood, and valued—where their unique gifts and aspirations are nurtured.

As we embark on this journey together, remember that the teenage years are not a burden to be endured but a gift to be cherished. Let's uncover the beauty that lies within the challenges and seize the opportunity to strengthen our relationships with our teenagers. By embracing teenagehood with open hearts and minds, we'll be enriched and transformed in ways we never thought possible.

Welcome to Easy Parenteen—a journey of growth, discovery, and realising that teenagehood is truly a remarkable gift.

Acknowledgement

The inspiration originates from my beloved wife, Uduakobong, who shared these deep concerns about the struggle of parenting teenagers for many years. I appreciate Femi Akintayo for setting up the intricate dimension of this project. Mark and Joy Amaefula, thank you for igniting the need to focus on parents’ fears over their restless teenagers.

Introduction

P

arents are under a lot of pressure to be incredibly involved and just the proper distance attempting to combine work, life, and family while remaining invested and devoted. And, when thinking about managing stress and prioritizing the children, we overlook some essential fun. Constantly considering how to be a good parent, you read articles and books for those with the time or speak with other parents to learn insight and the most up-to-date methods. Of course, you prepare nutritious meals, assist with homework, arrange outings, and organize games and play dates. You’re proud of your parenting, yet it often leaves you exhausted. Somehow, the template runs in circles until you wake up one day to find your cute baby, an adolescent—unveiling a new phase of your life.

During adolescence, teens’ relationships with their parents and families evolve, but they still require parental and family support like they did when they were younger. Your job as a parent was to nurture and guide your child when they were small. Your relationship with your child may now become more and more equal to you.

You provide your child with care, emotional support, security, safety, and practical and financial assistance. Even if their attitude or behaviour sends a different message, your child still loves you and wants you to be active. With varying degrees of emotion spilling here and there, now and then, it leaves you questioning: Who are these adolescents? Where do they come from? Why is their presence changing everything?

Adolescents are aged 10 to 19 years old, according to the World Health Organization (WHO). As a result, it includes the vast majority of teenagers under adolescence. The Convention on the Rights of the Child¹  defines a child as someone under 18. The UN states that youth is between 15 to 24 years and includes young people of 10 to 24 years. WHO and others have combined adolescents and youth to mean the same thing.²

While these terms are occasionally used interchangeably by researchers³ and may have different definitions in different countries and groups, with adolescence beginning at age 12 and youth lasting until the mid-30s, this book focuses primarily on the second decade of life. Meaning that, for most of Easy PARENTEEN, our use of teen(s), teenager(s), and adolescence or adolescent will include people ages 12—19. However, since people attain varying developmental milestones,⁴ there might be instances where traits overlap and reflect age 9; in such cases, our definition of the teenage years in this book could be covered.

The teenage years generate more fear, concern, loss of self-confidence and wonder in most parents than any other development period. Why is this such a perplexing time? Why do so many of us shudder when we recall our adolescent years, grateful that we won’t have to relive them through our children’s experiences? One response to these issues is that we misunderstand teenagers and who our teens are. Parents as gardeners and children as flowers are common parenting metaphors⁵ used in books and are particularly appropriate for the years between birth and twelve.⁶ However, imagining our adolescent children as flowers does not appear to be accurate. Of course, they are still growing and blooming and require regular feeding and occasional trimming and pruning, but their development differs from that of a flowering plant.

The typical life of a teenager can get complicated just about the moment you want to understand. A teenager’s life appears to alter daily, if not per second. A teenager may seem interested in a new sport, school topic, or kind of music one minute and then entirely change their mind the next. Teenagers struggle to develop their personalities and interests as it constantly exposes them to new ideas, social circumstances, and individuals throughout this period of rapid development.

Before adolescence, children focused on education, play, and earning parental approval. As teens strive toward becoming young adults, their old aspirations are supplanted by a yearning for freedom. They grow emotionally, intellectually, and physically during this period. These transitions aren’t without their difficulties, but interestingly, educators, family members, counsellors, and psychologists are on hand to assist the teenagers through this trying time. Yes, so much help is available, but the onus is in the hands of the parent.

Therefore, in preparedness for this task, every parent must not forget they become teenagers twice in their lifetime. Once upon a time, you were a teen as someone’s child, and now you have a teen, making you someone’s parent. These circumstances brought about the word—PARENTEEN. Parenteen is formed by fusing parent and teen, which means a coming together of parents and teenagers to make a formidable team strong enough to navigate the stormy waters of teenagers. In other words, a parent becomes a teen to help their teenagers transit this stage of human development.

So, in this book Easy PARENTEEN, the author intends to empower parents to foster sound, life-affirming relationships with their teenage children rather than just surviving them. Parenting teens may be one of life’s most challenging and rewarding experiences for adulthood. The teenage years may be an emotional roller coaster for everyone involved, either parent or teenager.

During adolescence, a chasm can form between parents and their children. Many parents find it difficult because it is a time of fast physical growth and significant emotional upheavals. These are thrilling, but they may also be perplexing and unsettling for both the child and the parent. Physical and mental changes can happen quickly, and social changes might also offer additional difficulties, such as drug and alcohol use and sexual relationships.

A further reason teenage is so challenging is that it is a culturally new life. Teenagers have not always been observed and studied as we do now. Adolescence is a relatively new concept, dating back only roughly a century. Even in the 1930s, a young adolescent’s clothes and hairdo remained childish, but an older adolescent’s looked startlingly similar to an adult’s.⁷ The cultural markers that distinguish teenagers from adults were only beginning to emerge. Boys as young as nine or ten were apprenticed to a craftsman and expected to labour from sunrise to sunset, learning and practising a trade. Girls under twelve and thirteen were married and forced to carry children for the remainder of their lives.⁸ Both boys and girls were launched seemingly into adulthood overnight. They were young people one day, living and playing among the ladies; the next, they were permanently admitted into the ranks and duties of adulthood through the time-honoured rites of their traditions.⁹ Being supported by one’s parents past fourteen was unheard of. The seemingly idle years of adolescence, when children voraciously explore the world in quest of who they are, would make a nineteenth-century adult scratch his head in amazement.

Parents now have a completely different set of duties than parents in the past. From the perspective of a modern parent, the lengthy search for self appears to extend ominously into a distant afterlife. We must feed, clothe, listen to, encourage, soothe, impose rules, and establish boundaries. Parents must comfort, create rules, set punishments, follow-through, spend money on, accept criticism, educate, drive their teens around, and then allow them to drive our cars when they are old enough! The path from infancy to maturity is hazy and frequently dangerous, and the outcomes are unknown. Some parents anticipate the significant changes a first child will bring to their household.

On the other hand, few others recognise how important their children’s transition to adolescence will be. We’re taken aback. The world of the family we used to know is disintegrating. We assumed it would be more straightforward as our children grew older. We expect grownups to act like adults, but half the time, these capable-looking individuals are tuned out, ignorant, or just uninterested. In a period of innumerable private universities graduating teenagers into a world so confused about morality with broken value systems. A world where teenagers require the same level of care and supervision as children aged three, except that the three-year-old can be lifted and put to bed! Our relationship with our teenage children is now the only thing we have, keeping them. Otherwise, our failure to keep them safe tells on us with grievous consequences. If not today, certainly tomorrow.

Part 1

Understanding Teens

You cannot successfully navigate a trade you know nothing about. This section discusses the teenagers in our lives. Understanding them is vital to our targeted interest to mould them. Our quick start is to recall our first teenage experience—when we were teenagers. Brace up for teenage rebellion and their fight to establish identity. We might be doomed to fail when we miss this point, and failure isn’t an option.

Chapter 1

Once A Teen, Twice A Teenager

G

oing back on memory lane and examining my breakthrough into early adulthood in the late 90s, particles of transitional allusions of late teenagers slap a scare on those who have transitioned successfully. But the fright takes a little longer to disappear. Now you are finally an adult. How fascinating is it to pass through the turbulence of a teenager? As a parent today, you look back in time and reminisce on the pranks, rule-breaking, hide-and-seek, and fomenting problems. Returning to it isn't very pleasant, having youngsters playing the games you know already too well. No worries; it’s only a matter of bracing up to match this current reality—having to act, think, and behave like a teenager again. The circle of life keeps spinning and situating perspectives. Years ago, you were a teen, and now you’re returning to being a teen, only this time, a parent-teenager—PARENTEEN—parenting a teenager. Experiencing teenage life twice in a lifetime is an honour. As scary as it may look, it is the most rewarding engagement a person can have. Having to conjure one’s youthful experience in dealing with the highs and lows of today’s teenage struggles is a feat to aspire to hold. It is the only way to handle what is happening to the teenager.

You Were Also a Teen! Don’t Forget That!

Most adults have incredible memory power to remember things that aid in the judgment of everyday life and decision-making. But swimming in the waters of adulthood seems to rob us of an old-time survival kit. The simple reason we give up too quickly parenting teens under our care. It is no news that every living adult is a teenager. A stage in life that brought new perspectives and new experiences at the same time.

Life as a teen for me was turbulent and wild. Whenever I remembered the risks I took and considered it fun, my body was shocked because a human should never be exposed to such behaviours. Though many decades ago, the memories are still fresh in my mind. During the teenage years, we feel the turbulence; of course, it’s a turbulent time, there’s storminess in teenagers, and so we want to go to the heart of it, to that centre place, because in the centre of the storm is where we find the calm ironically.

I had severe issues to deal with as a teenager. Daily, between 13 and 19, was the most uncomfortable time of my life’s progress. During this period, I confronted both external and interior problems that were overpowering and dramatically overwhelming. Hormonal changes, puberty, social and parental influences, job and school demands, and so on were all things I had to deal with, and my environment expected me to do just that. I’ve often felt completely misunderstood. I assumed my parents would acknowledge my feelings and thoughts and give me broad validation. But never! The presence of today’s prevalent teenage issues was present in previous generations. Self-Esteem and body image stress; bullying; depression; addictions; drinking and smoking; underage sex; rebellious behaviours; peer pressure and competition; and crises were all issues I faced. Looking back, I could see the above vices causing a chain reaction. As a youngster, I have had depression frequently and had all the early indications of depressive situations akin to physical health deploration. I’d seen changes in my sleeping and eating habits, a loss of interest in regular and healthy activities, reduced school and college grades, and a preference for seclusion. Increased performance expectations and competition with friends on many things put me under unnecessary stress.

I wasn’t paying attention to these warning indications. That caused further harm since I didn’t have a guide to help me cope with my problems healthily. I’m unsure how I got through my teenage years with my weird, insane antics and the rough time I caused my parents. I was fortunate enough to escape self-destruction, but I’m sure my parents want to get rid of me regularly! Well, I’m joking. But, they now have relief that I can stand alone to raise a family and a job. These are frequent teenage issues. It does not imply that possessing one would automatically result in the other. However, it can get out of hand, as it did in my situation.

One of the most significant challenges we face as grownups today is our inability to remember that we were teenagers like those we have right in front of us now. Some adults act as if they were born adult-ready. I have a vivid memory of my teenage years right before my face. So, dealing with them today, I see them through the lens of my encounters as one like them. These young people surround my ministry today. I learn their language, fashion, music, and lifestyle. Whatever interests them automatically interests me. By this, I find myself always a step ahead of them. Why? I had been a teenager before they became. Parents should approach their children suffering from adolescent development difficulties with caution and a pleasant demeanour to discuss the matter.

Managing Behaviour

Helping teens improve their ability to use the skills Goleman mentions is a big part of managing their behaviour.¹⁰ You have every right to assume teenagers can restrict, restrain, drawback, hold up there, listen, or wait until you finish speaking. Since they were four, teenagers have shown ‘hold fire’ symptoms with their emotions. Walter Mischel, a psychologist in the 1960s, developed an experiment in which he invited extremely young children as young as four years old to wait alone in a room with a marshmallow on a table in front of them.¹¹ They could have two marshmallows if they could wait until a researcher returned. One-third of the youngsters in the now-famous marshmallow studies could wait fifteen minutes for their second marshmallow. This experiment showed that even at four, some children could have self-control. The youngsters they restrained in the investigation did not appear to be at ease in the video footage. To keep control, they observed them grimacing, straining, or wriggling. However, the study found that some youngsters could resist the temptation by changing their focus or diverting themselves from the marshmallow. Even when frustrated, they show enough mental flexibility to alter their thoughts.

We don’t need to intervene to safeguard our teens when we observe them struggle to control their emotions similarly. They may appear uneasy, with a scrunched-up face and an expression as though they are inwardly battling. In reality, it is at these trying times we learn the most. Allowing children to have these developmental experiences is critical; otherwise, they cannot practice using their minds this way. They will not learn how to control their instincts. The portion of the mind that does the restricting will only be able to operate with practice. Allow your child to make mental comparisons. Dan Siegel believes that by doing this, a parent