LOOK! This is the way it is: A Perspective of Life through the Lenses of a Very Real Chick

By Aileen Amador Mezza

LOOK! This is the way it is is my life story being told casual, honest, and raw. My passion has always been people. I'm a lover of life. I live for the thrill. I always have and always will. However, that has not always been a good thing, especially in my early young adult years when I thought I was invincible and knew it all. Like every eighteen-year-old that leaves home and thinks they're ready for what the world has out there for them, yeah right, my biggest thrill that yet had not arrived in my early adulthood years happened in 1996, and I was moving out at the age of seventeen going on eighteen to attend San Diego State University. Leaving my sheltered Catholic and crazy Colombian upbringing (aka my bubble), I thought I was ready to attack the real world. It was thrilling, no doubt, but that thrill came to an end in January 1998 when after a night of shrooming (ingesting Psilocybin mushrooms), I was stuck on a trip/trance. I found myself stuck in a drug-induced psychotic state. My mother and father were devastated not knowing if their daughter was coming back. Medical professionals were unsure of how to treat me because they didn't have enough experience in the matter. For weeks, I wasn't okay. Inside, I was fighting my own spiritual battle to come back. My book shares on how all my anxieties came out on that trip. At the time, I was unaware that I even suffered from anxiety/depression to that degree. I actually must have. It didn't happen to anyone else the night I shroomed. It happened to me! So what did that mean? Surely, I was crazy! Right? In the literal sense, no. But in that moment and for a whole decade later, yes. My behavior went from doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, hence the definition of insanity. My mind had gone to one of the darkest places a mind can go to, yet I did come back. How? By God's grace. And to Him, I owe all the glory. I take no credit for being the strong one. It is only in His strength that I was given the strength to fight off those demons. He led me to Dr. Michael Lardon who writes the foreword of my book. He was the doctor that treated me twenty years ago. Today I am blessed to not only say he treated me but call him my friend. Dr. Michael Lardon, twenty years ago, was a young psychiatrist (I think thirty-seven years old, younger than my age today). He is a Stanford graduate and was in his early years of practicing. Without God sending me to him when no other medical professional knew how to treat me, I would not be the human being I am today. Frankly, who knows where I would be. Today, coincidentally, Dr. Michael Lardon is known around the world in the sports-medicine psychiatry field. He has treated many NFL, PGA, and Olympic athletes. He wrote the book Finding Your Zone: Ten Core Lessons for Achieving Peak Performance in Sports and Life. In the last twenty years, this man has been more like a life coach to me. Only God could have orchestrated all this. Today I have no shame in sharing what happened to me because no label can define me. No false perception from family and friends hurts anymore because I have educated myself and know my why. And today I share my story in the hopes of having others have no shame to share theirs to seek help. Whether prayer is enough, whether holistic/natural methods are, or whether medical intervention is needed, you have to go to #Godfirst. Never be defined by what the outside world perceives you as. The Creator of the universe created you to be you and uniquely you! People's perceptions of you are theirs and not yours.

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• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Oct 25, 2023
• ISBN: 9781098019808

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LOOK! This is the way it is

A Perspective of Life through the Lenses of a Very Real Chick

Aileen Amador Mezza

ISBN 978-1-0980-1979-2 (paperback)

ISBN 978-1-0980-1981-5 (hardcover)

ISBN 978-1-0980-1980-8 (digital)

Copyright © 2019 by Aileen Amador Mezza

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Foreword

Chapter 1

Perception

Chapter 2

The Open Door

Chapter 3

5150

Chapter 4

Signs

Chapter 5

My Brain's Not Okay

Chapter 6

Being Colombian

Chapter 7

Catholic School

Chapter 8

Identity

Chapter 9

Living

Chapter 10

I Couldn't Wait to Grow Up

Chapter 11

The Dreamer

Chapter 12

Spoiled

Chapter 13

Mental Health Advocate

Chapter 14

Realities

Chapter 15

The Madness

Chapter 16

Losing Myself

Chapter 17

The Real Estate and Mortgage Loan Industry

Chapter 18

Crazy Chicks

Chapter 19

The Mental Illness

Chapter 20

Christian Church

Chapter 21

Marital Bliss

Chapter 22

Blended Family

Chapter 23

Western Medicine

Chapter 24

Driving under the Influence

Chapter 25

Concluding Interview

Chapter 26

The Way It Is

Real Talk

with Julio & Aileen

Prayer

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Praise for—LOOK! This is the way it is: A Perspective of Life through the Lenses of a Very Real Chick

Aileen Mezza's story is more than a narrative about a struggle with drug induced psychosis and chronic bipolar disorder. It is more than a fight with devout religious beliefs, and conflicts with a loving family. There are millions of people suffering with debilitating mental illness, an equal number that struggle with religious torment, and countless young adults that encounter severe collisions with their families. Her memoir surpasses these painful battles. It transcends the guidance of her sensitive, supremely talented and gifted psychiatrist, Michael Lardon, MD, her thoughtful compassionate therapist, Nicholas Fittante, MFT, and me, her former psychologist. It is a portrayal of Aileen's vulnerability, courage, perseverance, audacity, and strength to turn tragedy into triumph, despair into determination, and craziness into creativity. It is a story worth reading.

—Vance B. Becker Ph.D.

Aileen is driven to educate and raise awareness for those living with mental illness within a context, and beyond, that has not always been so receptive to the reality; that being within the church. My hope is that through her story, people will see how mental illness, therapy, and medicine are not incompatible with Christianity and that there is hope and help for people whose stories are like Aileen's.

—Lorenzo Smith, Lead Pastor,

Collective Church, Culver City, CA

"Maya Angelou said about strong women, ‘You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.'

From the unpadded room in the state mental facility, it took Aileen Meza Amador, the proud Colombian princess who played by the rules her whole life, to scream out to God for His help to keep her from losing her mind, and He answered. In chapter 19, page 62, of her book, LOOK! This is the way it is, Aileen states, We're all fallen. I'd like to add that we are all broken people, too. Aileen has proven that with professional psychiatric care and faith in the God, who loves us unconditionally, one can be brought back to life. Notice I didn't say normalcy because what is normal? At St. Joseph High School in Lakewood California, where Aileen was a very good student, we stress the philosophy of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Carondelet. Meaning all young women should become everything woman is capable of while living lives of love, faith, and courage. Aileen is the epitome of that philosophy and so much more.

God bless you Aileen and family, always in all ways!"

—T. Mendoza, PhD, Principal, Saint Joseph High School, Sponsored by the Sisters of St. Joseph of Carondelet

"Have you ever met someone who is genuine and real? When Aileen walked into my office one hot afternoon, within minutes I knew she was real with herself and real with me. She opened up on her past life and became vulnerable in our talks. It takes real courage to open herself up to a stranger, yet it can be satisfying at the same time. The vulnerability that Aileen showed is something that most people go through life and never experience. Aileen has exposed her soul in LOOK! This is the way it is. Maybe you can become real with yourself by reading just how Aileen became real with herself"

—Patrick J. Silva, Attorney At Law, Redlands, CA

Aileen Mezza has written a must-read primer for anyone struggling with mental illness. Read this book to learn from one unswerving and courageous woman about the experiences of mental ill health. Aileen takes the reader on a dark, twisted, and sometimes hilarious journey into the world of mental illness and learning to grow through it. This is an engaging book filled with important information for those in need. I am honored to have, even in some small way, contributed to Aileen's quest.

—Nicholas Fittante, Marriage & Family Therapist, MA, MFT, DCHT, A C T Family Counseling Services/Abraxas Hypnosis Center, Ontario, California

"Reading LOOK! This is the way it is, is akin to having a raw and real conservation with the author that speaks from her heart and soul, uncensored. Aileen shares her own personal journey with mental illness. The pain, despair, hope, and freedom. Her story is more than an account of one individual's personal journey. It's an invitation for individuals, family, friends, cultures and religions to stand up and combat stigmas associated with mental health."

—Teresa Arciero, MS, LMFT,

A C T Family Counseling Services, Ontario, California

"I've known Aileen for at least 20 years and am in awe of all she has accomplished. Beyond proud! Her authentic story supported by scientific knowledge tells a story about mental health and the stigma that is attached to it that is raw, real, unapologetic, and most importantly courageous. LOOK! This is the way it is, is a must read for all! Everyone from all walks of life will benefit from reading this book."

—Judy Davidds-Wright, Advocate,

The Wright Consulting Group

"LOOK! This is the way it is: A Perspective of Life through the Lenses of a Very Real Chick" is a powerful story of courage, survival and ultimately, freedom. Aileen's journey of accepting, owning and treating her mental illness, while in spiritual crisis, is profound. I'll be recommending this absorbing memoir for years to come."

—Dr. Yasmin Davidds, CEO,

Multicultural Women Executive Leadership Foundation & Dr. Yasmin Davidds Leadership Institute

What a special gift this book is to anyone struggling with mental health, anyone who knows someone suffering from the stigma of a mental health diagnosis, and to all of us working in the field of mental health. It is a rare piece of work, that has the possibility of uniting us all together to learn, grow, fight stigma, and overcome the difficulties in the mental health field. I have been blessed to have Aileen as a close friend for many years, and I have also been given greater understanding, as a mental health professional, of the first-hand experience of what it is like to battle mental health.

—Jenifer Gayou, Friend, M.S. Clinical Psychology,

and Mental Health Professional

California State University, Fullerton, Star, Idaho

Aileen has not only led us on a mental health journey, she has also shown us her heart and soul. With this trip about her vida, she shows us that crazy is not really crazy and normal is different for everyone. Most importantly, she constantly reminds us that mental health is no joke, and we need to take this seriously. This can happen to anyone and DO NOT be afraid to seek help. Great read and truly touched me in a very personal and deep way.

—Helga Campbell, Childhood Family Friend, Rolling Stones #1 Fan, Queens, New York

"Since my early youth and throughout my entire adult life I have strived for excellence and professionalism in every area of my life. Another top priority was always maintaining a content and happy life. It is clear, that there are obstacles that will present themselves. Some will be easier than others. Aileen Mezza proves to me and to the world that any obstacle can be conquered with the appropriate assistance from professionals in their select field. Mental illness is no different than diabetes, cancer or anything else we may find ourselves challenged with. The way that Aileen challenged herself to fight this disease and ultimately win at the highest level is a story that must be told, and I feel any person that is fighting for something right now, must read this book. The most important thing in the world is to address our problems, find people that can help us, and embrace the necessary actions and medication if necessary, to become the happy, successful and content person that God put us on this earth to be. God would never put us here to live in a way of unhappiness or discontent. God created incredibly smart people to help us with the challenges we face, and there is nothing that cannot be defeated. Aileen Mezza is a testament to this amazing world that we call life. A life that can be lived incredibly. Aileen is now happily married with beautiful children and achieving in the workplace in an extraordinary way. It is an honor to call Aileen my friend. I know that she is going to inspire so many to address their obstacles and do it in a way that they are comfortable and not ashamed of. God bless you Aileen, I love you.

—Bobby Blair, Author of Hiding Inside the Baseline, Former world-ranked professional tennis player, CEO: LGBTQ Loyalty Holdings, Inc (Stock Symbol LFAP)

"Aileen tells it as she has lived and experienced it. The journey throughout our lives are wrought with pitfalls, challenges, choices, and opportunities. As we go through this journey, we learn and adapt. Failure to learn and adapt has consequences, some good and some not so good. For the faithful, consequences are blamed or attributed to a higher being or purpose. For the agnostics, consequences are often blamed on others or on bad luck. Aileen's life journey has taken her to many wonderful places, but has also taken her to deep and dark places that to some are unimaginable. Realizing that balance between faith, family, and modern medicine (both traditional and non-traditional) is critical to maintaining her sanity, Aileen has emerged as a stronger, broader, and determined woman. I have had the pleasure of knowing Aileen and her wonderful, crazy Colombian family for several decades. I have also had the honor of helping Aileen through the joys of pregnancy and the miracle of childbirth. I applaud Aileen for bearing her soul in her book. LOOK! This is the way it is grabs you from the very beginning and takes you through her life journey. A journey filled with consequences of elements sometimes out of her control. Fortunately, Aileen's faith and perseverance have triumphed. She has found peace with God and is a mother and a wife with a beautiful family."

—Juan M. Velez, MD, FACOG

St Joseph Health, Orange, CA

"I have had the extreme honor to edit this book and become friends with Aileen in a very short amount of time. We call our meeting a divine intervention, because there was no chance this relationship was an accident. From the very beginning, we have been able to be real with ourselves, God, and others, in a way that has helped us both grow and become stronger warriors of God. This book is not just a story. It's not just a journey. This book is not just words thrown in between two covers. This is a REAL woman, leaving everything on the table to educate and break the stigma of something that touches everyone on this earth in one way or another. This book is built of bravery, vulnerability, and truth. I hope you read this book and it helps you know that you are not alone. I pray this book helps create a culture of love, acceptance, and support for others to not feel alone in their life, either.

—Jenessa Mercer, Editor, LOOK! This is the way it is: A Perspective of Life through the Lenses of a Very Real Chick, Friend, Confidant, and sister of God

To this crazy world we all get to call home for now and to KID (Karina Irma Davids), my gorgeous friend that left this crazy world way too soon and now resides at our eternal home. Until we meet again. San Diego, baby!

Foreword

A wise man once said, It is only when you are truly lost that you find your way.

Aileen Amador's story starts 21 years ago, when she went walking naked and psychotic after a college party, only to find herself a few days later, locked up in a psychiatric hospital. While in the hospital, she begins to hallucinate. She sees demons, Jesus and other visions—all of which trigger her to begin to question her deep Christian faith.

In TITLE, Aileen shares her story of what happened when a profound instance of mental illness took over her life, changing her course forever. For Aileen, mental illness is not only a complicated medical condition, it's also a cause for a spiritual crisis. As she struggles to heal, she also seeks a way to understand the cause of her affliction, some of which lead her to question the emotional and mental constraints of her religious upbringing. She meets resistance from her family, friends, and members of her church, who hear Aileen's questions as offensive gestures against religious doctrine. Ultimately, the truth wins out and in it Aileen finds true healing, discovering that in spite of the societal stigma, Christianity and psychiatry can coexist and enhance healing.

Aileen's story inspires those of us who believe in Jesus and struggle with mental illness in ourselves or our loved ones. Her story is one of confusion, courage, faith and ultimately happiness. As her doctor of twenty years it has been my blessing to witness her salvation.

Dr. Michael Lardon, MD.

Chapter 1

Perception

Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.

—Matthew 7:7–8 (NKJV)

Sitting on my balcony writing and living the life I've always dreamed of. Not! LOL. If only, right?

I only say that because I suppose that we always figure that as long as we take the right steps early on in life, we will be destined for a life that is utterly blissful in every sense of the word.

Again, not! The absurd thing is that, on occasion, I meet so many people that paint that pretty peachy keen picture of the perfect life.

Perfect life?

Is there such a thing?

I thought if I tried really hard, I could be perfect.

Again, not!

It's crazy because I remember a time that I was teased by my girlfriends as they jokingly referred to me as a perfect girl, for example, perfect girl who has the perfect shoes, perfect car, perfect clothes, etc." Yet that statement couldn't be more false. Why? Because as long as I can remember, I have always had a constant struggle with my weight, so I have always felt that my outer appearance was far from perfect. Still perhaps, people saw me as this super all-together chick. Again, not!

Or maybe they didn't.

Maybe it's that at the time, I perceived that they saw me as this perfect chick. Hence, if I am perceiving it, then it ultimately becomes what my reality is. Thus, perception becomes an individual's reality.

Here are my thoughts on the above statement. You see, whether a person's perception is true or false is insignificant.