Artificial Stupidity: The Legend of Cuthbert Huntsman, #0

By Rich Nash

Meet the world's worst life coach! Cuthbert Huntsman is a bankrupt barfly with eight broken marriages, but he thinks he's wiser than Jordan Peterson and Deepak Chopra combined. If you're looking for a complete life do-over, a thirty-day loser programme or a galaxy of ineffective life hacks, Cuthbert's your man. 

 

When Cuthbert falls out with his AI assistant, it cancels him, locks him in the garage, and cuts off his oxygen supply. The race is on to record his best advice for posterity. Join Cuthbert Huntsman, and learn how to think like a bankrupt, look ten years older, and master reverse yoga, mindlessness, and self-recycling.

 

Part novella, part manual, this introduction to the wonky world of Cuthbert Huntsman is crammed with useless advice, textbook cock ups, and near-death experiences.

 

Artificial Stupidity is a small but perfectly formed accompaniment to The Cuthbert Huntsman Trilogy, comprising three full-length comedy novels. How Not To Live Your Life seeks the secrets of failure from Britain's biggest losers. In Cop Lives Probably Matter, the world's worst life coach meets London's most clueless cop in a twisted comedy crime tale of heists, hitmen, and murder. Trigger Warning satirizes the edge-of-the-pants SAS thrillers of Chris Ryan and Andy McNab. 

 

Rich Nash was senior producer of Warner Bros' and HBO's Harry Potter Reunion, which wasn't intentionally funny but was Emmy-nominated (it lost to Adele).

His TV shows have featured Meg Ryan, Hugh Grant, Vic Reeves, Jimmy Carr, Joe Wilkinson, Josh Widdicombe, Ron Howard, Ross Noble, Sean Lock, Felix Dexter, Katherine Ryan, Will Self, Bill Bailey, Jonathan Ross, Seann Walsh, Susan Calman, David Haye, Stephen Merchant and even John Noakes.

He lives in London, read English at King's College, Cambridge, and once had dreams of  literary greatness before Cuthbert Huntsman ruined everything

• Language: English
• Publisher: Rich Nash
• Release date: Oct 24, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223365211

Book preview

Artificial Stupidity

The Dubious Wisdom of Cuthbert Huntsman, Unemployed Life Coach

Rich Nash

Copyright © Rich Nash 2023

The right of Rich Nash to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher, nor otherwise be circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Warning

Welcome to the world’s first four-part trilogy. This novella sets the insultingly low tone for the three full-length novels that follow.

All four books reflect the language, standards, and attitudes of a gratuitously offensive individual named Cuthbert Huntsman. An insensitivity reader was employed to ensure that everything is as triggering as possible. If you are affected by any of the issues raised, there’s no helpline - just pull yourself together.

Do not under any circumstances follow Cuthbert’s advice, unless under the direct supervision of a psychiatrist and an ambulance crew. There is a reason he is an unemployed life coach.

Contents

1.THIS IS MY TRUTH, AND IT HURTS

2.JENNY 2.0

3.LIFE HACKS

4.THINK LIKE A BANKRUPT

5.MINDLESSNESS

6.REVERSE YOGA - THE JOY OF AGOY

7. BLACK LACE

8.THE THIRTEEN-STEP PROGRAMME

9.DIET ANOTHER DAY

10. DARKLIFE

11.JENNY 2.0 – THE SEQUEL

12.GOING CORONAVIRAL

13.MOVING FORWARD BACK TO WORK

14. MY MANOSPHERES

15.THE COMPLETE LIFE DO-OVER

16.CONSPIRACY IS A COVER UP

17.GHOSTED

18.PERSONAL JOURNEYS

19.ZED TALKS

20.JENNY 2.0 - THE SEQUEL RETURNS

21.PARENTHOOD HACKS

22.THE REVOLUTION WILL BE LIVESTREAMED

23.CHUCKLES THE FUN SPONGE

24.CULTURAL IMPOVERISHMENT

25.COUNCIL CULTURE

26.JENNY 2.0 - THE CLIMAX

About the Author

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Review

Follow Cuthbert

Sample One - How Not To Live Your Life

Sample Two - How Not To Live Your Life

THIS IS MY TRUTH, AND IT HURTS

When I fell out with my AI assistant, I never dreamt that it would cancel me, lock me in the garage, play my least favourite music on a loop and cut off my oxygen supply, but now that it has, I have decided to fill my final hours by sharing some life coaching tips.

I will reveal the personal embarrassments that shaped me, the wisdom I learned along the way, and the motivational techniques my ex-clients most despised. I will offer unwanted advice on every subject under the sun, I will teach you how to think like a bankrupt, and I will introduce you to my bespoke plan, The 30 Day Loser.

But this is so much more than a self-help manual. This is the inside track on the implosion of my first eight marriages, why none of my kids are speaking to me, how I went bankrupt, how my drinking and drug use spiralled out of control, and why I kidnapped my social worker and held them hostage in a wheelie bin. My life may have been a catastrophic failure, but I self-identify as a success, so I am one. Anyone who disagrees is a failure-phobe. Don’t hate on my delusion – it’s all I’ve got.

In a very real sense, this is my origin story. Superheroes have them; why shouldn’t an unemployed life coach? So, buckle up, pour yourself a pint of absinthe, and prepare to embark on a journey that’s less of an emotional rollercoaster, and more of a traumatic donkey ride.

There will be no shortage of adventure. I will chronicle my searches for The Inner Australian Sea, The Saharan Rainforests, and The South Rwandan Glaciers, and reveal what the abysmal failure of these personal journeys taught me about my true self (and basic geography). I will mansplain the insights of my guru Yoga Nandos, I will detail how I survived a yeti attack during a back-to-work scheme in the Cairngorms, and I will tell you exactly how I scared off a ghost that haunted me after I reversed a snowplough into its gravestone.

Most importantly, I will reveal how I decided to become a life coach after tripping over my own shoelaces and falling down a forty-seven-storey fire escape. I have so much to teach you and so little oxygen – let’s begin!

JENNY 2.0

My ninth wife, Jenny, died in a Bitcoin-mining accident. It was an upsettingly loud and messy death, but she did at least leave me enough cryptocurrency to honour her memory. She was a popular online Finfluencer, dispensing financial advice on multiple platforms, and the availability of all this digital content allowed me to commission an AI assistant with her voice and personality.

I really missed Jenny and having an AI simulacrum knocking about the place cheered me up no end. Okay, simulacrum might be stretching it a bit: she was a fifteen-inch screen mounted on a robot vacuum cleaner. But there were plenty of enhancements. In life, Jenny had never had wheels, and now she had. Even better, she had an inbuilt speaker, retractable camera-periscope, and detachable cup carrier. She was almost as good as the real thing, so I decided to call her Jenny 2.0.

As one of the world’s laziest motivational gurus, I love nothing more than a good life hack, so I blew the remaining inheritance making my home smart. I bought the most intelligent gadgets known to mankind and placed them all under the direct command of Jenny 2.0. She had motion detectors, facial recognition software, Wi-Fi sensing, and absolute control of the central heating, air conditioning, lighting, audio, video, doors, locks, blinds, and security systems. Everything was designed to enhance my comfort and convenience. Life was good, and Jenny 2.0 was there for me 24/7 on her wheel-mounted screen.

I rarely left home, but when I absolutely had to post a letter, sign on, or go to the pub, I would stay in touch with Jenny 2.0 via her mobile app. For security, Jenny 2.0 would