NEVER ALONE

By Anne Hall

Never Alone shares the journeyings of JoAnn and Damien, a young couple living in New Zealand.
When their desire to become parents fails to easily eventuate, difficulties arise. Can they overcome the many challenges, surprises and learnings that happen to each of them, as they encounter these difficulties? Can their marriage survive?
As the story unfolds, Never Alone explores how each of them copes, survives and subsequently thrives during their, at times, daunting experiences.
The main characters are colourful as are the many experiences they encounter.
This novel reflects the paradigm shift that can happen when each within a couple, begin to honour themselves and how that can affect everyone in their family.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Oct 10, 2023
• ISBN: 9798765243992

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Copyright © 2023 Anne Hall.

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except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you

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Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 979-8-7652-4398-5 (sc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-4399-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023913809

Balboa Press rev. date: 10/03/2023

DEDICATION

To my sons, David and Michael

without you both,

my wonderful journey creating this novel,

would have been much harder to do.

Your loving support, encouragement

and all that I continue to learn from each of you,

fuels me.

I thank you both.

CONTENTS

Dedication

Acknowledgement

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Chapter 43

Chapter 44

Chapter 45

Epilogue

About the Author

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

To life – and all its

amazing, miraculous experiences,

gifts and ongoing discoveries.

PROLOGUE

After her appointment, a very happy woman makes her way to the beach. The warm sand reflects the glow from the late afternoon summer sun, the breeze puffs gently - water whispers along the beach.

She nestles in the soft sand. Framing the contours of her enchantingly happy face, her beautiful auburn hair spread out over the pale sand.

She lies there, watching smoke lick its way skyward as she exhales slowly, meditatively.

A lone seagull flies over her, circling, gliding, soaring up into the clear blue sky.

Her green eyes follow it. She feels herself soaring with it - soaring higher and higher filled with inexpressible joy.

She hugs herself – at last it has happened.

She knows she is no longer alone – her heart is now beating for two.

She takes a final last deep draw, holds it as long as she can and then through slightly pursed lips, very slowly releases every last morsel. She glances down at the almost done butt and calmly stubs it into the sand.

Her eyes close - her smile grows.

Her hands tenderly caress her body, her smile broadens.

She sits up. Her cigarettes and matches dig into her. Determined, she pulls them out of her pocket. ‘You – I no longer need.’ She opens the packet - contemplates the remaining cigarettes and watches them morph from old friends into new enemies.

She coughs. She empties the packet and very deliberately breaks each cigarette.

She prises the packet wide open - refills it with the shreds.

With determination, she digs a hole in the sand, and places the packet into it. Ceremoniously, she strikes a match. She lowers the flickering flame onto the bits, waits till they take and watches with a small smile, her old mates disappear into crinkled ashes.

Very calmly, she covers the ashes … ashes of her past life.

She stretches, takes one last look at her decision, smiles and stands up.

She shakes herself and with a new found freedom, runs down to the waves, lifts her arms up to the glorious sunsetting sky and shouts, thank you, thank you, oh thank you.

Seagulls join her – swooping above her, diving, twirling, backwards and forwards.

She laughs gleefully at their antics and shouts ‘yippee’.

A car pulls into the carpark.

Damien sees JoAnn standing there – down by the water’s edge. ‘God, how dare she forget the time I said I’d be here!’ Angrily he lays his hand on the horn.

The loud strident honking rips through the air.

Her hand, clasped over her mouth stifles her joy.

She races up to the car. ‘How did I forget the time!’ She wrenches the car door open, and words tumble over themselves trying to placate her obviously very pissed off husband.

He glares at her. ‘How come you’re so late! You knew I wanted to get back in time for that game!’

Chastened, she shrinks down into the seat. ‘Am so sorry.’

Noisily, the tires screech before she has time to fasten her seat belt.

He glances across – there’s something different about her. ‘Don’t know what the beach does to you. Just hope you’ve remembered my boss is coming for dinner tonight.’

She cringes. It had completely slipped her mind.

‘Mentioned I had some venison from the last hunting trip.’

Phwew! Yes, she could stir fry that with the veggies from the garden.

Uncomfortable silence fills the car.

Timidly, she peers across to her so very handsome husband. ‘Oh, how can I have been so selfish! How could I have not noticed the time – I’m so hopeless.’ Her familiar mode overtakes her euphoria.

Then a tiny smile flickers – her secret refusing to be daunted, bubbles back into her mind.

She looks again at Damien. ‘Maybe if I told him right now, he would understand and maybe he too would smile?’

But no. His glowering face and almost reckless speeding squelched that idea.

Nope, most assuredly, not the right time.

CHAPTER 1

SOME WEEKS LATER

T ONIGHT, SHE WAS SO TIRED – it had been such a demanding day at work.

Rubbing her back, she wandered wearily into the kitchen, dreaming of takeaways and wallowing in the bath.

But there propped up on the table a note glared at her. ‘JoAnn, the boss is in town – we’ll be home about seven for one of your swept up meals – that salmon.’

She groaned and wandered over to the freezer and pulls out the piece of salmon. Putting it down on the bench she glances at the clock – ooh – still two hours. Great, there was time for a quick cuppa and a much-needed rest first.

She lowered herself into the hammock, carefully balancing her hot drink.

She must tell him. Tomorrow after her twelve-week check-up. How can so many weeks have gone by so fast!

She grimaced – she was scared – she really did not know how he would respond – it had been easier to postpone finding out and to just imagine his pleasure.

But she knew the longer she left it, the likelihood of that outcome would most likely be jeopardised.

She leaned back into the caressing folds of the hammock musing….

*       *       *

After far too many months of disappointment, they had just given up.

Their lives had settled into a pattern that was sort of comfortable - that suggested a successful united couple and in some ways, they were with their long-term dream of the big trip, their conscientious savings scheme and Damien’s one eyed focus on his job prospects.

And she had just shut down her dreams - dousing much of her joy and their passion.

Passion that had been so encompassing once they had agreed it was time for a baby.

She shifted in the hammock, checks her watch and for a moment let herself go back to when ….

*       *       *

Damien at last agreed – no sooner had the words left his mouth, she had raced up the stairs and without a thought of any consequence, had thrown the remaining pills down the loo. She remembered quickly showering and grabbing her sexiest nightie, carefully applying just a hint of his favourite perfume and then had seductively called him up to bed.

For the next two weeks she had been the most obliging lover, taunting him with mischievous texts whilst he tried to concentrate at work, and preparing scrumptious feasts all served with candlelight and soft suggestive music.

And then just as she was planning when to see the doctor – the shock of getting her period.

Oh how she had cried.

She had simply never expected that to appear.

And that time, Damien was remarkably supportive and kind, reassuring her with examples of others who had taken at least a couple of months. And with that, her enthusiastic approach to ensuring their success the next month was unabated.

Damien seemed to change overnight back then – he was very attentive and even refused to go away for the work trip and instead had taken her to a delightful small bed and breakfast just out of Napier.

And that month, she remembered thinking she wouldn’t go to the doctor until at least a month had passed.

But that choice hadn’t become an option.

With the arrival of her period, she had taken herself to bed, called in sick and that time Damien had not been quite so solicitous.

Months had passed – months of disappointing regularity – a constancy that battered her efforts, enthusiasm and optimism and Damien’s libido.

It had been so hard.

She had read widely, seemed to effortlessly attract information from well-meaning friends and acquaintances and tried many old wives’ tales, such as eating certain foods, only making love when she was really ripe, then lying in certain positions after – all of which proved useless and unproductive.

She shuddered.

Their marriage had reverted to one filled with Damien working late and her getting headaches and becoming depressed.

She began to imagine their potential baby knew they were struggling in their relationship and all her anxiety was not helping.

Eventually she had taken herself off to the doctor.

She hugged herself. ‘Oh JoAnn – you sure took all the blame.’

It had been so scary going to the doctor, but he had been really kind – and instead of giving her the counselling she had sensed had been warranted, he sent her off for tests.

She took a couple of deep breaths remembering her embarrassment lying there, being examined in such an exposed way. And then the discomfort of having the tests performed to check her tubes were viable.

Oh, how hard that had all been and then the rigmarole of taking her temperature every morning as soon as she woke up – and how she had done that for a couple of months.

And had Damien supported her – no way!

He had ignored her in the mornings, getting out of bed without even a kiss or a hug. And then at night-time, came to bed as late as he could and oftentimes rolled over with a sigh, expressing tiredness or was it distaste.

She knew he was sick of all the drama and had seemed to have lost all interest in her as his lover.

She sighed, remembering how she had chosen to be understanding and how she would caringly wrap her arms around his back, apologising.

She had consoled herself it was only for a couple of months till she knew the results and then they would know what to do next….

Mmm – that next visit she had been so scared but had so wanted to know.

She closed her eyes and let herself go back to that visit.

*       *       *

‘Come on in JoAnn.’ And offered her the chair across his desk. ‘Do you want the good news or the great news?’

‘The great news.’ And nervously giggled.

‘You are AOK! I give you your warrant of fitness.’ Then he cleared his throat. ‘And now I need to see Damien.’

Her smile faded. ‘I’ll do what I can.’

And shuddered – she had been so sure that whatever was wrong must have been her!

‘Make an appointment asap – and relax! This is more common than you probably had thought.’

‘Everyone else seems to have no trouble.’

‘Don’t believe it, JoAnn. Now, will we make a time for both of you to come in or would it be better for me to see Damien alone next?’

‘Probably the latter – I will let you know.’

‘Good luck, lass. And often we find there is nothing wrong with either of you. I look forward to hearing from you.’

‘Thank you.’

She shook his proffered hand, blinked back the imminent tears and walked back out onto the street. She walked in a daze – she was really pleased she was okay but the thought of telling that to Damien was far from pleasing.

She found a café and sat quietly waiting her coffee to be brought – her results deserved a celebration, and she knew it would not be coming from Damien!

Unseeing, she sat there lost in thought. How she wished she had the sort of friend who could help her in this. Her mum? Well, she would be very kind but had never liked Damien.

The waitress placed her cup down. She could feel this customer’s pain and wished she could sit and chat with her, but instead sent her loving thoughts.

JoAnn sipped her drink slowly. Her optimistic nature breezed in. ‘Maybe Damien will not react like I fear. Maybe this will bring us even closer.’

Sipping her drink she sat there imagining them chatting about it all, caringly, him hugging her, celebrating her being okay and then promising to get himself checked and when his results came back positive too, they would go on a special holiday.

She took a couple of deep breaths hoping to ensure this dream would become a reality, finished her drink, stood resolutely up, thanked the waitress and went off to the butcher to buy the best cut of steak she could find.

She sighed. ‘Oh, that time had been so hard – so sad, despite her doing everything and more that she could to make him happy.’

Back then she had gone home, tidied up the mess that her anxiety induced languor had allowed happen, then had wallowed in the bath filling the house and herself with fragrant ambience and even applied a face mask.

Damien had been late but instead of being met by an expected grump, the door opened and she kissed him. He acted so surprised, he dropped his bag and she’d been intrigued he had apologised for being late.

‘No matter – dinner will be ready in a jiffy – want anything first?’

A tad stunned. ‘Nope dinner smells great.’

They had then chatted a tad formally – they had had so much angst over the past few weeks, this change in JoAnn was a bit daunting for him to relax into.

But by the time dessert of chocolate mousse and a frothy latte had been served, the air had settled, and Damien had begun to let go. ‘I have told you my day – what about yours?’

JoAnn’s optimistic joie de vie threatened to leave her, but she had quickly taken a deep breath. ‘Well….’

She remembered how she couldn’t think of what she’d planned to say - all those ideal words had vanished.

‘Mmm – I went to the doctor today.’

She had watched Damien stiffen discernibly. ‘And?’

‘Weeell, he wants to see you.’ She had mumbled. Her optimism threatened.

‘Why? Is there something wrong with you?’

When she’d looked down at her hands, they had been trembling and she remembered clasping them tightly under the table, whilst bracing herself. ‘Weell no.’

‘So why does he need to see me?’ He had reached down for the paper – no doubt, hoping to put an end to this increasingly undesirable conversation.

‘Weell….’

‘Oh, for god’s sake spit it out Jo.’

‘I am okay. He needs to now check you too.’

How those words had thrown him.

‘I knew you would blame me – it is all your fault – I never even really wanted a kid – you have just been so on about it – now you have messed me up!’

He had stormed out the door and hadn’t returned till late the next afternoon.

*       *       *

She shook herself back to the now.

Tears filled her eyes. That had been such an awful time. Never again had they spoken of it.

She had been too embarrassed to call the doctor, but he had rung a couple of weeks later to check all was okay. She had assured him all was fine and that one day they would be in touch. And he had wished her well.

Damien and JoAnn had drifted apart intimately, sex rarely occurred and even her optimistic nature that hinted the chance of such infrequent sex increasing the possibility of her conceiving, was quelled by her continuing barrenness.

CHAPTER 2

T HE TIMER WENT OFF BREAKING her reverie.

She took a deep breath and climbed out of the hammock.

She felt mildly nauseous and smiled. ‘Hi baby – I even like that feeling.’

She patted her ever so slightly rounded tum. And whispered to her bump. ‘You know I never really gave up wanting you to arrive – I had just gotten so scared with Damien being so often unfriendly and grumpy, I was scared if you did come, I would become a single mum.’

Then standing straighter and in a firm voice, added. ‘No way, little one – I want the best possible for you. I will be such a perfect mother that Damien will simply love being a dad.’

Walking on through to the kitchen she chuckled to herself. ‘Yep, God’s delays are not necessarily God’s denials - we have saved money and have had time to get our home ready for you.’

Feeling revitalised, she began preparing the meal, singing to herself and appreciating all the renovations Damien had done. She walked past the sideboard and stroked it fondly, seeing how Damien had restored her find at the auction – yes, in that area, they sure worked well as a team. ‘Yes, when I tell him about baby, our teamwork will just be rechannelled.’

The phone rang. ‘JoAnn, something has come up and we won’t be home for dinner after all – see you later.’ And the phone clicked off.

This time, his terseness and crassness did not daunt her.

Instead, her face broke into a huge happy grin. ‘Yippee I can do what I had wished for!’

Relieved, she turned off the stove, put the salmon back in the fridge and contemplated about which take-way she could have delivered.

She went upstairs – shed her clothes, pulled on her favourite cream terry towel dressing gown and went through to run a deep and bubble filled bath.

While the water ran, she reached for the phone book but then stopped herself. ‘No, takeaways are not something this baby needs.’

Instead, she made a salad and humus sandwich and poured a juice.

She picked up her book and turned on a Norah Jones cd – up real loud, singing along with it - so loudly she missed the phone till too late.

Tentatively, she listened to the message. Phwew! It wasn’t Damien changing his mind.

Just Gill.

She put the phone down and indulgently lowered herself deep into the bubbles and warm water.

Gill – she was so looking forward to sharing her news with her – what a great friend she had become. Yes, another plus from God’s delay!

To fill in that endless and often lonely time, she had decided to go to upholstery classes to fix the quaint albeit oftentimes threadbare chairs she’d bought at an auction. And had met Gill at that class.

She and Gill, a fellow nurse had clicked straight off and had so many chuckles together – and tears as JoAnn had opened up to her about her inability to have a baby.

Gill, who had such a happy marriage, the most supportive husband and three dearest little ones, had been unexpectedly so gently understanding.

Somehow sharing with Gill and being with her children had soothed a bit of the unfulfilled ache inside her soul.

And then Gill had given her the greatest gift – it was actually her fault that she had at last gotten pregnant – she giggled aloud.

Resting her head on the waterproof cushion, she let her thoughts drift back to how……

*       *       *

It was a Friday night and JoAnn had been sitting feeling sorry for herself. Damien had gone out with the fellas and she had gotten her period yet again.

When the phone rang, she so nearly not answered –

‘Guess what!!! – I have won a trip to the Sunshine Coast.’

‘You are kidding!’

JoAnn felt so jealous – Gill just had SO much luck. She nearly put the phone down, but she was a good friend – instead, held the phone away from her ear and nearly missed…

‘And we aren’t going – too much of a hassle with the children and all, so guess what!’

And before she could react, ‘I have told them you are having it.’

JoAnn nearly dropped the phone – then put it closer to her ear. ‘What did you just say?’

‘It’s all yours and before you say anything your name is now on the tickets – for you and a friend.’

That was the turning point in JoAnn and Damien’s marriage.

Just two months later saw them lolling on the sand at Mooloolooba, in Australia.

It was better than she could have dreamt – he had been so reluctant to come but because it was free and his boss had been giving him a hard time about not taking holidays, he had relented.

And once they were there – it was magic.

It was as if they rediscovered what had originally attracted them to each other.

The rental was right on the beach and when too hot on the sand, they lay on deck chairs on the balcony, sipping all sorts of juiced delights and some less healthy later, when the setting sun’s rays had sparkled the sea.

They had swum and snorkelled together and even joked together.

And as their bodies bronzed and became fitter, their love making became revitalised and it was two very reunited in-love pair that returned a couple of weeks later.

JoAnn never gave a thought to making babies and Damien saw his wife as gorgeous as when he had proposed. Damien’s success in his work rocketed and JoAnn filled the old people’s home with infectious happiness and vitality. She worked extra hours for her colleagues and had been offered a raise she hadn’t expected.

Weeks flew by in a haze of happiness and blissfulness - like being newlyweds again.

One evening she had been sorting out the bathroom cabinet when she suddenly realised she hadn’t used any tampons since they got back.

She raced through to look at the calendar and counted and then recounted the weeks since the last time…

‘No couldn’t be – six weeks almost seven.’

She became conscious of the soreness she had begun noticing when she put on her bra - and the fact her uniform was a bit snug.

She looked at her face in the mirror – did she look any different?

Not really – just well and happy.

‘Ooh wonder if I’ve got cancer. Or some other problem down below.’

She went through to ring Damien and share it with him, but thought mmm, probably best not.

She felt scared.

Thoughts of imaginary pregnancies, cancers and other possible causes of such delays filled her mind - all terrifying her and she even willed her period to come.

But it didn’t and another two weeks passed.

She became edgy and short-tempered at work and at home.

Damien frequently impatiently berated her and when she would oftentimes burst into tears, he chose to go to the imminent conference alone.

This was the opportunity JoAnn had unconsciously been waiting for. On her next day off she drove all the way to the next town, Dannevirke, to buy the kit set.

She drove carefully back home, unpacked the groceries, brought in the washing, folded it and put it all away and then when she had no more distractions left, she picked up the parcel.

She placed it on the bench while the jug boiled.

Then she took her cup of tea through to her favourite armchair and had sat down holding the still unwrapped parcel. Sipping her tea, she prayed like she had never prayed before - well, certainly not since she was so much younger. ‘Dear God, if you exist, please, please may this be for real.’

Slowly she unwrapped the parcel and even more slowly opened the kit.

With shaking hands, she read the instructions. Like in a dream she went upstairs with the kit, peed into the little jar and placed the sample on the vanity as if it were fragile.

She caught sight of her face in the mirror above – how her fear made her eyes look huge in a very pale face.

She pulled out the stick that was going to tell her she had either gone nuts or … help she was too scared to even think of that.

She rubbed her eyes and leant against the shelf – maybe I will leave it till next week.

She went to tip out the sample but her more bossy voice screamed. ‘Don’t you dare – you a woos or something!!!’

She grimaced at herself in the mirror as if bargaining with her scaredy voice and with even more shaky hands, dipped the stick into the sample. Immediately, she closed her eyes – so wanting to look and so not wanting to.

Slowly she had counted the required seconds then added some more and then some more!

Her bossy voice nearly deafened her by the time she allowed her eyes to peep – ‘Oh my God …… it is!’

A lurch of well contained hope burst through her, but then her fear took over.

She grabbed the pamphlet, read it again – checked what colour meant what! She looked at the stick, checked the pamphlet again and then just screamed with delight, joy and such happiness.

Then plonked down on the floor in the bathroom and cried.

And as the full realisation hit her, she fell onto her knees and thanked everything - God and all, for this to have at last happened to her.

And while thanking God she added, ‘I promise to do all in my power to be the best parent possible.’

Then yippeeing down the stairs she made herself a celebratory feast of salmon, salad and a huge bowl of icecream.

All of which she indulged in by herself but not alone, in candlelight listening to her favourite Sibelius violin concerto.

At no time did she want to call up Damien – it didn’t enter her head.

This was her moment.

*       *       *

But that was back then.

Now, it was his moment too – this needed to be shared.

She got out of the bath, finished her sandwich and promised herself in the mirror - after her twelve-week check-up tomorrow, and with fingers crossed all is still okay ‘I will tell him, I will.’

CHAPTER 3

W AITING IN THE OBSTETRICIAN’S OFFICE, her fingers crossed tightly, JoAnn watched the other women in the waiting room with varying sizes of baby lumps.

She held onto her comparatively small lump, somewhat protectively and warily.

By the time it was her name called, she was shaking and felt sure she would hear the words – ‘Sorry.’

The doctor looked at her and asked her to lie up on the plinth.

The nurse smiled and helped her. She gently lifted her skirt and painted her tummy with ultrasound jelly.

The doctor looked at her, aware of how tense she was and smiled at her. ‘Just breathe JoAnn – now let us see what your little one is up to today. Mmmm. Everything hunky dory with this young one.’

JoAnn opened her eyes, looked at the screen and squealed with delight. ‘That little shape is my baby?’

‘Sure is, and doing everything he or she should be – listen to its great heartbeat!’

Tears of joy and relief flooded her eyes, and the nurse handed her a tissue.

‘Now, how is the mum-to-be?’ He took her blood pressure and listened to her heart.

‘All great, JoAnn.’

She wiped her eyes and the hugest smile lit up the room. ‘Sure is!’

He smiled. ‘And what does the new papa think?’

Her smile faded. ‘I haven’t told him yet – I wanted to have this check-up first.’

‘JoAnn, is everything all right with your marriage?’

She looked into his kind eyes. ‘Oh John, I’m not sure – I guess I am a tad scared of how he’ll react.’

‘Hopefully, your fears are ungrounded – probably best not to leave it too much later.’

He helped her up. ‘Just call me if I can be of any help. Promise?’

‘Thank you. I am planning to tell him tonight.’

He left her alone to get dressed and then when she left, he reminded her again of his support.

She walked back home feeling like she was a new person – she was now carrying the baby she had dreamt of, wished for, for so long. She clutched her arms over her small bump and promised she would do all she could to make Damien happy too. She crossed her fingers.

John had supported her so kindly till now and she knew he would help if all went sideways, and she prayed fervently his help would not be needed.

*       *       *

That night, after a sweet-smelling bath, she doused herself in his favourite perfume, dressed in Damien’s favourite dress and put on the earrings he had bought her at his last conference.

All was ready.

His favourite meal was ready in the oven and a beer was cooling in the fridge.

She sat waiting at the table, the