My Life of Checking, Hiding, and Faking: How I Conquered the Hidden Torment of OCD

By Helena Tarrant

In her powerful memoir, “My Life of Checking, Hiding, and Faking,” author Helena Tarrant bares her soul as she unveils the torment of living with OCD from childhood to redemption. With raw honesty, she illuminates the intricate workings of an OCD-stricken mind, unravelling the baffling nature of the condition for those who stand on the outside, and unveiling the reasons why sufferers remain silent. Helena courageously exposes the invisible battles she fought, resorting to extraordinary measures to conceal her OCD, further intensifying her struggles. Through her personal journey, she shares invaluable strategies and profound insights that paved the way for her recovery. Alongside her poignant words, she adorns her narrative with poignant cartoons, capturing the essence of life with OCD and the blissful liberation that follows healing.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press UK
• Release date: Sep 17, 2023
• ISBN: 9781982286972

Book preview

Copyright © 2023 Helena Tarrant.

All illustrations in the book are by the author.

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except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the

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ISBN: 978-1-9822-8696-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9822-8697-2 (e)

Balboa Press rev. date:   09/15/2023

For my beloved son, John, who is amazing.

Disclaimer

This book is intended to give insights and guidance to those who might find it helpful. The author is not a healthcare professional and this book is not intended to be used for diagnostic purposes or as a substitute for professional medical opinions or therapy or psychiatric advice. Professional advice should be sought before starting any course of therapy or health-related programme. The author is an expert by experience as a former patient, and all opinions and experiences related in this book are her own. No liability can be accepted for loss or expense incurred in following advice in this book.

A Professional Perspective

I am delighted to be joined in this book by the prominent clinical psychotherapist Padraic Gibson, D.Psych. Whilst I tell you about OCD from the point of the sufferer, Padraic provides the expert insights which shine a light on why OCD sufferers feel and think the way they do.

Padraic’s notes come under the heading A Professional Perspective.

The biographies section on page 107 give information about Padraic, his clinics, and his research work.

Introduction

What Is This Book For? Who Is This Book

For? Why Is This Book Different?

What This Book Is For

OCD is often thought of as a condition which makes people unusually finicky, tidy, or obsessed about doing things a certain way.

Some OCD sufferers do indeed have these traits, but OCD in reality is much more complex and can devastate the lives of sufferers and those around them.

This book was written for three reasons:

Firstly, to describe what it is really like to have OCD and live with it on a daily, hourly basis. Secondly, to shine a light on the hidden nature of OCD and how this affects sufferers. And thirdly, to tell how it is possible, with effort, courage, and persistence, to recover from OCD by getting its symptoms under control, citing many real-life examples. I know this because I’ve lived it, survived it, learned to manage it, and now feel great about life.

01%20Setting%20Out.jpg

This book is a series of stories about how OCD affected me and how I overcame it. It isn’t a negative read; OCD can even be funny at times.

Who This Book Is For

This book is for anyone who has OCD, who thinks they might have OCD, or who knows someone they think might have it. Also, it’s for anyone who is just curious.

If you have OCD, I hope this book will show that you are not alone, that a fulfilling and happy life is possible through managing OCD successfully.

If you think someone you know has OCD, I hope this book will give you a few insights so you can support them effectively.

In this book, you will find lots of simple and practical ideas if you are affected by OCD, directly or indirectly.

Why Is This Book Different?

There are three main differences between this book and others:

1. Many books about OCD are written by experts, and many of them are very good, although an expert doesn’t know what it feels like to have OCD. This book is written from the point of view of the sufferer, who understands that knowing what you should do when you are trying to overcome OCD and what you are able to do are two different things.

2. You will see my book contains a lot of my cartoons which illustrate my points. They also add a light touch. I hope you enjoy them.

3. This book addresses the difficulty of OCD being a hidden disease. This is a really important aspect of OCD because it heaps a lot of extra pressure onto the person with OCD, when having OCD is bad enough already. In other books I have read, and in therapy courses I have attended, I don’t think the distress of the hidden nature OCD was given enough airtime.

I used to hide a lot of OCD things I did from other people, not because they were bad, but because I knew they would seem very strange to other people, who might think I was crazy. I couldn’t talk to anyone about them, because I didn’t even know I had OCD. I just knew I had compulsions to do things which would make no sense to others.

A Note before We Begin

You are about to come with me on my OCD journey, from realising something was wrong, to diagnosis, to recovery and the great feelings I had when that happened. I hope you find some useful insights as we go along, whilst at the same time having an interesting and fun read.

Having OCD doesn’t always mean having to have therapy. There are lots of simple things you can do to help yourself as well as the exercises the experts give you. I developed many recovery techniques myself, and I know they work because I have used them all and continue to use them. I’ve included them in the following pages.

02%20Techniques%20Collection.jpg

Contents

An Overview of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder; Controlled by Habit and the Habit of Control

1     My OCD Journey

First awareness of OCD; early life; living with OCD; a hidden disease; diagnosis; making the decision to tackle my OCD; recovery

2     The Checking Trap

Repetitive checking; how my checking trapped me; the time I wasted checking; how I hid my checking; how I got checking under control

3     My Contamination Fears

What are contamination fears? How they affected me; difficulties cooking and eating; I couldn’t stop washing; how I hid my contamination fear behaviours; how I learned to control my contamination fears

4     My What If Worrying and Rituals

What is what if worrying? What what if worrying feels like; my rational brain v my anxious brain; anxiety triggers; why reassurance doesn’t work; using rituals to try to manage what if fears; hiding my what if worrying from other people; strategies for getting my what if worrying under control

5     How I Handled Uncertainty

The uncertainty of life; uncertainty intolerance; how I hid my uncertainty intolerance; how I learned to cope with uncertainty; uncertainty to confidence

6     My Funny Walking

Compulsion to tread on things; treading on or between lines in the pavement; compulsion to examine things; cancelling out bad thoughts; hiding my funny walking from other people; how I learned to stop funny walking, treading, and examining rituals

7     My Numbering and Perfectionism

Number compulsions; how I hid my number compulsions from other people; how I learned to overcome my number compulsions; the problem with perfectionism; how I learned to control my perfectionism

8     So, What’s Life Like Now?

9     If You or Someone You Know Has OCD

If you think you