Jewish and Special Needs: Exploring the Possibilities During Every Decade of Life for Creative Families and Congregations

By Len Felder

If you are a parent, grandparent, sibling, aunt, uncle, rabbi, cantor, teacher, counselor, volunteer, or friend who cares about an individual who has special needs or a disability, this first-of-its-kind book can provide you with numerous innovative ways to improve things now and in the future. In ten short, easy-to-implement chapters, you will

• Language: English
• Publisher: Palmetto Publishing
• Release date: Aug 22, 2023
• ISBN: 9798822919419

Len Felder

Len Felder, PhD is a licensed psychologist and bestselling author whose 17 previous books on Jewish spirituality, family dilemmas, and personal growth have sold over 1 million copies and were translated into 15 languages.He has appeared on more than 150 radio and television programs, including The Today Show on NBC, CBS Morning Show, Oprah Winfrey, CNN, National Public Radio, Canada AM, and BBC London.Len and his wife Linda Schorin are the parents of a young adult who has special needs and they have been finding creative allies, new methods, and inclusion possibilities for their daughter for many years. Len has also been invited to speak and lead discussions. nationwide on "Creative Ways to Empower Your Child Who Has Special Needs or a Disability."Originally from Detroit, Michigan, Len graduated with High Honors from Kenyon College in Ohio and worked as the Director of Research for Doubleday Publishing in New York before completing his PhD and becoming a licensed psychologist and author in Los Angeles.He has been involved in many volunteer and non-profit organizations and was awarded the Distinguished Merit Citation of the National Conference of Christians and Jews for his leadership in developing dialogue programs for teens and adults on how to overcome racism, sexism, homophobia, ableism, and religious tensions.Len and Linda also helped their daughter Aloni work each week with a supportive mentor to create several short films about her life as someone who has special needs and is LGBTQ+. One of the short films was selected by 19 film festivals worldwide and won awards in Canada, England, France, and the United States.

Book preview

Chapter One

Is There a Place for Us?

W

hen my daughter was very young, I kept wondering what we were going to do to help her feel welcomed, included, and inspired as a Jewish individual who has special needs and some disabilities growing up in a complicated world. Some of the questions that flashed across my mind were:

—Will there be a place where a child who is curious but has difficulty focusing can feel good about exploring Jewish topics and not feel judged or left out by other students?

—Is there a congregation where the rabbi and the teachers not only want to be inclusive in theory, but also have the training, skills and patience that are necessary to deal with a child who sometimes can’t sit still or stay on task?

—Is there a way of doing a meaningful bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah with a teen who struggles at reading, who can’t memorize very easily, or who feels quite anxious about speaking in front of a crowd?

—Is there a way to do Passover, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Hanukah, Shabbat, and other Jewish holy moments so that my daughter (who has a short attention span) can enjoy them and feel good about participating?

—Is there a way to find and connect with other families who are trying to juggle the complexities of being Jewish and at the same time affirming a child who sometimes feels left out?

—Are there gems of wisdom and helpful insights contained in Jewish writings about individuals who have disabilities or special needs that can guide our families and our congregations so that we don’t fall short of what is possible?

—What will life be like when this beautiful soul who has special needs is 18, 36, 54, 72? What do we need to do now in order to maximize the chances of a good life?

These and other questions might be on your mind as well. Whether you are a person who has special needs or a disability, or if you are a family member, or a teacher or classroom volunteer, or a rabbi, cantor, or educational director, these issues of inclusion, respect, and resilience cry out for solutions and creative options.

In the chapters that follow, you will discover a wide variety of ways that innovative people and forward-thinking families and congregations have come up with approaches that you and I can utilize in order to embrace, inspire, and encourage Jewish children and adults who have different ways of learning and interacting, so that they can experience the depth and the joy of Jewishness and to thrive year after year, decade after decade.

My hope is that these book chapters will help remove many of the obstacles that have caused problems in the past for numerous individuals and their families. In addition, I am hoping these ten short chapters will spark your own creative ideas and efforts for making Jewish exploration and daily life more joyful, meaningful, and inclusive for the family member or student you love dearly.

Please feel free to skip any of the chapters that don’t apply to your particular situation. Most of all, please feel free to utilize one or more chapters of this book to motivate conversations and new ways for coming through for the children, teens, and adults who look to you for creative options and innovative ideas.

Chapter Two

A Few Jewish Insights About

Having Special Needs

W

hen my beloved daughter was turning six years old, it was clear she was having trouble sitting still and paying attention at a weekend-morning kindergarten class at a nearby congregation. We weren’t sure what to do. We wanted her to be included in the Jewish community and to enjoy being Jewish, but I could tell that her nervous system was on edge each time she was surrounded by kids and adults who were much more verbal and much more adept at reading and focusing.

This lively congregation that we had joined several years earlier was headed by a brilliant, dynamic, and popular rabbi who was seeking to build a much bigger congregation as quickly as possible.

The rabbi had several times described in passionate sermons how much he was in favor of diversity and inclusion. But the teachers and volunteers had very little training or experience in working with kids who are dealing with ADHD, Autism Spectrum issues, Dyslexia, Auditory Processing difficulties, physical and mobility challenges, or other types of Neurodiversity (a term that describes how each of our brains and bodies deal differently with various teaching styles that agitate some individuals and are comfortable for others).

One morning I was called into a quick meeting with the popular rabbi and the head teacher. I thought we were going to be brainstorming on how to deal with some of the things that had happened recently in the classroom. But I was told, We love your kid, and we love what caring and involved parents you are. But right now, we are just not equipped to deal with certain students who are holding back the other students. A few of the other parents are complaining. We’re truly sorry, we really are, but we simply don’t think this is a good fit.

I could see from the look in their eyes that they felt sad and a bit awkward asking us to find another school, but that their minds were made up. This was not the brainstorming conversation I had thought it would be.

It felt like a punch in the gut. My first reaction was to say silently, Hello??? Is this really happening? Are we truly being kicked out of a school that talks so much about hesed (lovingkindness) and tikkun olam (repairing the world)?

Has that ever happened to you or someone you care about? Have you ever encountered well-intentioned and decent people who talked a good talk, but sadly weren’t able to walk the walk?

In Judaism, it is suggested that we can bless and embrace the joyful moments and also bless and embrace the difficult moments. I remember being up in the middle of the night several hours after that painful conversation in which my vulnerable child was asked to leave this particular school. As I closed my eyes and breathed slowly and carefully, a Jewish phrase popped into my mind and shifted me into a useful perspective on what had happened.

The Jewish phrase that was helpful at that painful moment is, Gahm zu l’tovah, even this might possibly become something for good. I had heard that ancient phrase many times and now it was entering my brain and my gut in the middle of the night. I began to wonder, What might this rejection from this inflexible school open us up to learn, to explore, to build, to create? What possible good results might eventually come from the fact that my child has been asked to leave a place that isn’t fully open to an individual who has special needs or a learning disability? What journey and what steps do I need to take to come through for my unique child now that this particular door has closed on us?

That experience of feeling cast aside so surprisingly and then opening up to the Jewish sense of, Gahm zu l’tovah…it’s time to go looking for the good that might emerge in the future from this current discomfort was the beginning of many years of learning more about the profound and helpful Jewish teachings, writings, and actions about how to authentically respond with hesed (lovingkindness) and tikkun olam (repairing what’s broken in the world) with regard to raising and encouraging a unique individual who has special needs or a disability.

Here are just a few of the many Jewish teachings and energy-­boosting Jewish insights about what it means to have special needs or a disability, and what it means to appreciate someone who has frequent or occasional physical or cognitive challenges. Some of these teachings and insights you might know already. But some of them might surprise you at how practical and deeply compassionate Jewish guidance can be for helping us deal with our very human neurodiverse learning styles and the many physical, emotional and cognitive challenges that we and our loved ones experience.

The Ancient Jewish Perspective About

Having Special Needs or Disabilities

For more than three thousand years, individuals who have special needs or a disability have played an important role in the history of the Jewish people. Our ancestor Jacob had a hip injury and walked with a limp. Yet he was the first honored person to be called Yis-ra-el, Israel which can be translated as the one who wrestles or strives with the mysterious Divine Energies.

We are all descendants of Jacob who was challenged physically and emotionally for several decades of his life. How he dealt with his limp and his anxieties, as well as his moments of being resilient during several tough situations, continue to teach us about the fragility of life and the importance of wrestling and searching for what is holy and good.

For a moment, ask yourself what it would be like to have a noticeable limp and to face the fears of having to meet up soon with a physically-intense brother who holds a significant grudge and who might want to do harm to you and your loved ones. How would you soothe the turmoil inside your mind and your stomach? How would you go forward with dignity and wisdom?

Another person in the Hebrew Bible who is a profound example of vulnerability and resilience is our ancestress Hannah. Most scholars agree that one of the first clear-cut examples in the Jewish Holy Scriptures of an everyday person pouring out her sadness and praying for guidance is Hannah in the First Book of Samuel, Chapters One and Two.

According to what’s written in the Hebrew and translated into English, Hannah was somewhat depressed, anxious and sad about not being able to have a child. It says that sometimes she was so discouraged and physically uncomfortable she was unable to eat food.

Then according to the text, when Hannah went to a public gathering in the town of Shiloh as part of a community ritual, Hannah began to move her lips and close her eyes to ask the mysterious Presence for help and strength in a hushed voice with words from her heart that no one else could hear clearly. It says there were tears streaming down her face as she poured out her soul to an unseen Presence.

It also says the people around her and the Jewish priest in charge of the ritual thought she was a bit odd and they judged her harshly. Some assumed she had been drinking or was inappropriate.

Yet Hannah, despite her physical struggles and deep sadness when she was unable to have a child, continued to pray for guidance and endurance, which eventually led to her giving birth and raising a beloved child that she named Samuel (Sh’ma El, God listens). Hannah’s son Samuel grew up to become a seer, a Jewish priest, a visionary prophet and advisor, a military leader, and a revered judge and settler of disputes.

Today when you or I close our eyes in a synagogue prayer service, or at home, or in nature, and express our deepest longings in a hushed conversation with an invisible Source of support, or to the Still Small Voice Within, we are following the lead of Hannah. She is the role model of what it feels like and looks like to be fully honest about our physical challenges and frustrations…and yet, rather than falling permanently into despair, she opened up to new hope and new persistence each time she poured out her truth in a prayer service and listened for guidance and direction about what to do next.

One more example of the importance of appreciating our physical and emotional challenges is the story of a great Jewish teacher from ancient times who is still making an impact in our own century. To understand this story in a new light, imagine for a moment that you are looking at the situation in Egypt more than three thousand years ago with your own eyes and you see the Hebrew people are getting treated with cruelty by a harsh leadership.

Now imagine that you would like to identify the best individual who will guide the many thousands of these overworked and whipped Hebrew slaves to ask for fairness and to begin the difficult process of breaking free of being underpaid, mistreated, and stripped of their basic rights. Who would you pick for this role of spokesperson in order to inspire the thousands of slaves and to convince the wealthy, inflexible powers to stop exploiting these individuals and treating them so harshly?

In Judaism, we are taught in the Book of Exodus that a mysterious flow of energy and wisdom that the Torah calls Yud-­Hei-Vov-Hei (which often gets translated as Lord or God, and also Yud-Hei-Vov-Hei can be translated as Never-ending Creative Flow or What Is, What Was, and What Will Be) enters the situation and picks someone unusual to be the spokesperson to guide the slaves to freedom and to stand up to the wealthy powers that seem so uncaring and exploitive.

In the Book of Exodus, the indescribable One-That-Flows-­Continually chooses someone named Moses who according to the text doesn’t feel qualified for the job and Moses says, I am slow of speech and slow of tongue. Moses even says, Please, Yud-Hei-Vov-Hei, make someone else Your agent.

Each time I think about Moses feeling unsure of whether he can be a vessel for holy wisdom and then how he opens up to become one of the most beloved teachers, leaders, team-builders, and role models for so many generations and centuries, I feel as if the Torah is telling us, Sh’ma. Listen. The person in front of you who is slow of speech and somewhat insecure actually has something important to say. Take a breath. Don’t be impatient. Let this person express in his or her own way what is important and then do your best to open up your heart to what this person is wanting you to understand and help bring to fruition.

Or in the words that can be found in the rabbinic footnote of commentary for Exodus 4:10, when Moses says I am slow of speech and slow of tongue…please make someone else Your agent, the footnote at the bottom of the page says, Perhaps the Torah is telling us that, whatever our limitations, God can use us to do great things.

In Judaism, we have a long-standing tradition of appreciating that each human being, each unique soul, has something to teach us. In the widely read book Pirke Avot (the Sayings of Our Ancestors) there is a profound insight that says, Who is the wise person? and the answer provided is The wise person is the one who learns from each individual human, which includes the teachings and perspectives of those who are slow of speech, slow of movement, or slow to bounce back from an emotional upset. Every time we slow down and truly listen with an open heart to someone who is different from us, we become a little less stuck in our habitual ways and a little more open to subtle wisdom and deep compassion.

A Modern 21st Century Commentary on a

Key Ancient Jewish Teaching

Sometimes a piece of useful Jewish wisdom emerges from a current here-and-now conversation we are having with a loved one. For example, I realized when my daughter was in grade school that she had difficulty reading from a book with small print and listening to wordy, long-winded teachings, but that she had some deep and profound understandings of many Jewish topics if they were presented to her in an accessible, non-stressful way.

To be specific, I noticed that my daughter and many children of all abilities become a bit sensorily-overloaded and agitated when they are required to sit still in a long, formal, adult-focused Shabbat service, or during a highly intellectual sermon or Torah interpretation. But sometimes on a Saturday, she and I would sit on the floor together in the living room and laugh and tell stories. I would make sure to include at least one very short story or line from that week’s Torah portion and ask her to comment on it, or to act it out in a role play. She loves role playing and she loves being asked for her opinion about things.

One Saturday when my daughter was eleven, we were sitting on the floor together singing and sharing stories when I asked her to help me figure out what the heck they were saying in a particular line in the Torah that week where it says, Do not put an obstacle in the way of a blind person. This line appears in Leviticus 19 where Moses is being instructed on how to build a holy community and what it means to treat your neighbor the way you would want to be treated.

So, my daughter and I began to role play what it would be like to be blind or have limited vision and to have to deal with obstacles put in our path. After a few minutes, she stopped the role play and said, Dad, I hate obstacles. I mean duh!!!, what a mean thing to do to someone if we put obstacles in someone’s path. If someone already has some physical challenge or some other challenge and then someone comes along and makes it even more difficult, that is so sick and unfair. I don’t want to put up obstacles. I want to remove obstacles.

Bingo! In that moment, we were not only conversing about Leviticus 19 and love your neighbor as yourself. We were also exploring why for many, many centuries Jews have been in the forefront of trying to remove the