The Books of Farth

By Stefan Joy

When Fisa and her best friends Fing and Furz discover an orphaned baby belch named Rapa, they set out on a fart-tastic journey to return her to her homeland of Burpia. There's just one problem: the kingdoms of Farth and Burpia have been sworn enemies since the Great Schism. Undeterred, these three fartastic friends vow to reunite Rapa with her family, braving dangers, enemies, and their own uncertainties.

Dodging nefarious villains, overcoming prejudices, and learning powerful life lessons, Fisa and her crew discover that friendship and bravery can overcome any obstacle - even when it stands between you and your next meal (looking at you, Furz). Along with the elderly savant Fis Fisson and Ol' Full, a legendary hero whose secrets run deeper than his scent, the gang must outwit the evil Prime Winddister Bezdalius before his sinister plot plunges Farth into ruin.

From the smelly backstreets of Tush City to the majestic halls of the Winddy Fartle, this hilarious romp through the magical world of Farth overflows with humor and heart. When lives and kingdoms are at stake, farts ring out across the land in an epic battle between good and evil. Will Fisa and friends save the realm? Or will the winds of change blow the wrong way?

The Books of Farth infuses the fantasy genre with a fresh new scent. Mysteries and surprises await within its pages, where friendship and bravery trump even the most powerful toots. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll plug your nose and dive into this fart-filled adventure full of magic and wonder. Because when it comes to fantasy epics, this story is a real gas!

Perfect for:
- Fans of epic fantasy adventures overflowing with humor, heart, and imagination
- Young readers seeking a funny, engaging story they can really connect with
- Anyone looking for a clever and absurdist take on the fantasy genre

With unforgettable characters, nonstop action, and cutting wit, The Books of Farth is a mythical adventure that proves friendship and bravery can overcome anything - even a kingdom full of farts! Dive in today and discover why this fartastic book will leave you breathless for more. Just make sure to crack a window first!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Editura Metro
• Release date: Jul 27, 2023
• ISBN: 9786069312865

Book preview

The Books of Farth

THE BOOKS OF FARTH

STEFAN JOY

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Published by one jolly goose, a fiction for young readers division of Editura Metro.

First edition: 2023

The Books of Farth

Copyright © 2014 by Stefan Joy. All rights reserved.

No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of the publisher.

eBook ISBN: 978-606-93128-6-5

Hardcover ISBN: 978-606-93403-0-1

Paperback ISBN: 978-606-93128-9-6

Editura Metro

CONTENTS

Bestowal of Honorary Right

Prefartory Note About How This Book Came To Be

Book One

Book Two

Book Three

Book Four

Book Five

Book Six

Book Seven

Book Eight

Book Nine

Book Ten

Book Eleven

Book Twelve

Book Thirteen

Book Fourteen

Book Fifteen

Book Sixteen

Book Seventeen

Book Eighteen

Book Nineteen

Book Twenty

Book Twenty-One

Book Twenty-Two

Book at the Rear

BESTOWAL OF HONORARY RIGHT

Congratulations on obtaining your copy of The Books of Farth! With this momentous acquisition, you have entered into a realm of fathomless flatulent freedom. Allow us to formally bestow upon you the honorary right to break wind with absolute impunity while engrossed in the captivating world of farts.

Henceforth, as you delve into the pages of this unique fartasy novel, whether in private solace or amidst the curious gaze of onlookers, you are hereby granted the exclusive right to unleash the full symphony of your rump’s melodies without the burden of guilt or embarrassment.

The Books of Farth is more than mere reading material - it serves as your very own license to fart. Embrace this newfound freedom with glee and let your emissions resonate, testifying to the uninhibited spirit found within. May the winds of Farth guide you on unforgettable journeys!

The Custodians of Farth

PREFARTORY NOTE ABOUT HOW THIS BOOK CAME TO BE

When I was just a kid, most of our meals were beans and cabbage, probably because our family struggled to make ends meet. This kind of food had some interesting effects and it got me thinking: where do farts go after they've let loose? Pretty soon, I was obsessed with finding the answer, but no matter how much I asked, I never got a straight response. Adults would just laugh it off and tell me not to worry about it, the farts were safe and sound. Little did I know how far from the truth this was.

Years later, all grown up and stuck doing boring adult stuff, I let out this ridiculously strange fart. Weird not because of its smell or sound (though I did get a couple of odd looks from the other adults around me), but because it started to talk. And kept yakking away. Seriously, it just wouldn’t button it!

Much to my astonishment, I was the only one in the room who could understand what this fart was saying. Luckily, I had recently bought a recorder for moments of sudden inspiration when pen and paper were out of reach. On a whim, I hit 'record'. Because my goodness, this fart could talk your ear off! It was like listening to a broken record.

Turns out this chatty fart had a lovely name - Klania - and she was bursting with stories. Through our gab sessions, I discovered way more than I ever thought I would about my childhood obsession. Apparently, every fart hails from a place called Farth. Farts aren't just stinky air - they're intelligent beings. They love, work, play, squabble, and yeah, they fart too! They've even built entire industries around farting, that’s how into it they are. Oh, and get this - farts can have baby farts! And just like us, they’ve got fartplants and fartanimals on Farth.

The Books of Farth captures my endless hours of banter with Klania. It’s a pretty faithful retelling of all the stories I’ve heard, although I may have jazzed up a few parts for kicks.

This book is for anyone aged 10 to 100 with a curiosity about the fascinating and previously unknown world of farts. For all you grumpy grown-ups who think this is just silly, I've got three words for you: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The genius musician was a massive fart fan and even wrote music about them. Makes you wonder if he ever met a musical fart like Klania, doesn't it?

So go ahead, don't hold back, let ‘er rip!

The Author

BOOK ONE

To fart or not to fart. That was never a question.

"I f it's alive, it farts! hollered the one who smelled like a fresh blend of rose petals in sparkling spring water. We learned that on day one of schtool. How could any fart in its right scent think otherwise? You fart - you live, and you live - you fart; it’s that simple!"

Hold on, Fisa, said the stinky one (rotten meat and cabbage, anyone?) named Furz. Maybe it's just a trick. A test to see how we'd contain ourselves.

Yeah, ‘cause that's what we, the farts, are known for: a love for experimentation, quipped the third, a fiery ginger fartllow with a hint of cayenne pepper, called Fing.

Furz frowned:

How do you mean?

I mean the Court must have had other reasons for a thing like this.

The edict arrived that morning, delivered by the regular FarthEX couriers. It was as dry as a constipation:

No winds to be broken until further notice. Sever punishments will be squeezed out for naughty farts. Stay tuned. Or else.

THE COURT

Fisa, Fing, and Furz received the news together while they were trying to mend the old pair of drawers that embodied Fisa's grandfarther’s house. Other than the restraining order, it was a sunny, pleasant morning.

The three of them had been friends since their first whiffs of life. They were around the same age and had grown up together. Their farthers and mofarthers met at 'Loona', the largest fartory on Farth, working together on the production lines that manufactured those odd-looking cans where every fart stores its teensy charges (because if you want big things coming your way, you should 'Save hard to boom loud,' as it was boldly written on each one).

One day, a terrible accident transformed the largest blower in their fartory into a sucking horror. Hundreds of farts perished in what became known as the greatest disaster Farth had ever experienced. Among those lost were the parents of our three friends. This is how Fisa ended up being raised by her grandfarther, Fing by his uncle, and Furz by a distant relative he referred to as ‘auntie’. But their friendship remained unscathed, withstanding the challenges of grief and drawing strength from their shared bond.

I bet it was that wicked Bezdalius' idea, Fisa grumbled. I've never liked him, to be fart.

’Cause no one knows what he really smells like? Fing said.

Don't tell me you're not as baffled as the rest of us about how he popped up like a daybreak fart as the Prime Winddister under our good K'windd Batakarma and Q'windd Padana.

In case you haven't caught wind of it, K'windd Batakarma and Q'windd Padana were the rulers of The Farth K’winddom. The Court, managed by the Prime Winddister, served as the governing body of the K’winddom.

Forgetting he was holding a needle, Furz flailed around wildly:

Do you reckon he's a fartologist as the word on the street goes?

Ouch! Fisa yelped. Watch that sharp thing, would you? And for your information, it's called a 'proctologist', not a 'fartologist'.

No, I don’t think he’s a proctologist, Fing chimed in, cutting Furz’s apologies to Fisa short. There's something else up with him, not Back Magic.

Suddenly, Fisa went still.

Is anyone else catching that weird whiff? she whispered.

Furz, being the fat odor he was, blustered:

The earthy mushroom stew? Yeah, that was me. You see, last night at dinner I had a huge bowl of...

No, no, Fing interrupted what seemed to be the start of an epic tale, I think Fisa meant the cinnamon one.

So, it wasn’t just me. Do you think they’re coming, then?

Who’s coming?

Any reply to Furz’s question was pointless. From out of nowhere, the long, twisted shadow of a Pooplice squad materialized on the street.

A whole Poop squad? Fing said. Shtoot! Must've been a huge stinker, then.

Under the command of a fart that reeked strongly of garlic with a cinnamon undertone, the squad began searching each house.

What do you think they're looking for? Fisa mumbled.

I wonder, Furz said.

The three farties and the few bystanders on the street didn't have to wait long to satisfy their curiosity. Not just because the Poop squad was moving briskly from house to house, but also because the street wasn’t all that long.

The eleventh house, a dilapidated pair of checkered boxers that Fisa could swear had been empty since forever - well, if a fart even knew what 'swearing' was, since farts always tell it straight - was the lucky winner. A collective gasp of horror rippled through the crowd when the Pooplicefarts emerged, clutching a belch!

A nearly odorless, thick, and noisy belch, flailing and hollering like a wild beast.

BOOK TWO

Swiftly enters Fis Fisson. But he exits even higher and hotfoot.

"H olly End of All Entrails ! blurted out a half terrified, half excited Furz . A belch, here! Hiding amongst us!"

Nobody on Farth remembers how it all started or what it was based on, but for every living fart, a belch was like a boogeyman on steroids. Farts were so afraid of belches coming 'from Up There' onto Farth that it was commonplace to hear all sorts of crazy things, all day long, everywhere. ‘If you don’t eat everything, a belch will come out from Up There and eat you instead.’ ‘You couldn’t do your homework because the fartfrog ate your notebook? Well, next time, you’ll have to explain this to the belch, if it happens again.’ ‘You didn’t see the red lights? We have a very good belch optician at the Pooplice Station. Would you care to come and say hello?’

Yup! replied Fing. And something tells me, not just any belch. The restriction notice, the Poop squad... I’m pretty solid it was a Major.

What's that you say, boy?

These words came from an incredibly old fart, feeble and scraggy, who'd only just started to totter away now that the show was over.

"Last time a Major was nabbed here in Tush City, I must have been just a strong whiff,