Fascination With The Devil: Why Women Love Emotionally Dangerous Men

By Dina L McMillan

Fascination with the Devil is a groundbreaking solution guide for women who fear - or know - they have bad taste in men. It offers simple advice to help you change the type of man you desire. Even better, it offers key tips to help you attract a healthier and more loving romantic partner.

 

Maybe you're still wondering if this book is for you.

• When you read the book title, did the face of a certain man pop into your head? Maybe more than one?
• Was pain or deep disappointment a relentless feature in that relationship?
• Do you lack that same intense chemistry with "nice guys" or emotionally available men who treat you well?

 

If you said yes to any of those questions, you're definitely in the right place.

 

The book isn't going to blame or shame you. Dr. Dina McMillan, a renowned social psychologist and relationship expert, explains how you learned to love this way.

 

She explores the tantalizing appeal of emotionally dangerous men: the relentless cheaters, bad boys, domineering controllers, commitment-phobic justifiers, and idealists addicted to that initial rush of infatuation. She offers simple advice to shatter their allure.

 

Don't give up hope. The answer isn't to force yourself to settle for someone you don't want, based on a list of qualities approved by other people.

 

Do you want to change what attracts you, in both your head and your heart? Are you finally ready to end your Fascination with the Devil?

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ocean Reeve Publishing
• Release date: Jul 13, 2023
• ISBN: 9781923061125

Book preview

IMPORTANT AUTHOR’S NOTE ABOUT FASCINATION

Do you realize how brave you are? Did you know you’ve already become part of a select group?

No, I’m not trying to flatter you. It’s the truth. We all know people who constantly complain about their troubles but make no effort to find solutions. Family, friends, work colleagues. I’m sure someone – probably more than one someone – came to mind when I mentioned this trait.

But that’s not you. You’ve already taken two important steps to begin fixing your romantic problems. First, you bought this book in some form: hard copy, e-book or audio. And second, you’ve now started to read it. Well done, you!

This is more than just a book for me. It’s a labor of love put together over years. I researched, wrote and interviewed for this while also doing other projects. Principal among these projects was developing a leading-edge domestic abuse prevention program that I customize and offer internationally. It also targets improved response for domestic and family violence. Another project is a nonconfrontational method for reducing bias, racial and other types, in the workplace and within our communities.a

Yes, I’ve been busy, and those topics are intense. But I just couldn’t let this one go. I was determined to offer a practical guide with a wider scope than just exposing manipulative abusers.

The number one reason I persisted is because there’s a glaring knowledge gap when it comes to love and romance. That hasn’t improved. I constantly look, listen and read what’s available, including storylines on TV and film. I examine personal details being shared by people on apps and websites. It’s concerning. Relatively new and widely promoted social behaviors are taking women away from the conduct that solid research has linked with healthy intimate relationships.¹

If you go instead to podcasts for relationship advice, it’s also murky ground. I’m relieved to find serious content based on sensible information such as Where Should We Begin, hosted by Esther Perel, and Relationships Uncomplicated, hosted by Idit Sharoni. In Australia there’s Mamamia Out Loud, hosted by Mia Freedman, Holly Wainwright and Jessie Stephens. But to find these you have to wade through other podcasts that are just as heavily promoted like Unqualified hosted by Anna Faris, where at least she’s honest that it’s just personal opinions.

Then there’s the popular, Why Won’t You Date Me? hosted by Nicole Byer. Her intro bio reads, Nicole Byer is single and has been for decades. She’s smart, funny, has a fat ass and loves giving b**w jobs. I was stunned when I read that. Yeah, guys really go for women like this when they’re looking for someone to love and cherish. Not!

Similar podcasts include, Girls Gotta Eat, hosted by Rayna Greenberg and Ashley Hesseltine, and brazen, Guys We F**ked hosted by Corinne Fisher and Krystyna Hutchinson.

Some of these podcasts are hosted by comic actors. But it’s tricky getting relationship advice from someone going for laughs or trying to shock. Your brain won’t necessarily remember the source when you’re in a real-life situation and a relevant issue pops up. If the outcome is a disaster, I promise you won’t find it funny.

I’ve also noticed a lot of the guidance to help women is provided by men. Everyone from comedian Steve Harvey to the classic, He’s Just Not That Into You, by Greg Behrendt (with Liz Tuccillo), and a range of books by Bruce Bryans.

These works do provide some clever insights into what (some) men think. However, they tend to expound on what women do wrong. Okay. Let’s admit if there wasn’t work to be done, we wouldn’t be looking for advice. But there’s not enough emphasis on men stepping up their game and becoming more honest, respectful, affectionate, considerate, faithful.b

Many male gurus start from the premise that almost any man can be a good partner if the woman treats him a certain way. Years of work in this field have demonstrated nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, there are ways of interacting with a romantic partner that can improve the dynamic that develops – and we’ll discuss some of these later in this book.

But some men are too selfish and emotionally unhealthy to ever be suitable romantic partners. Nothing a woman can do will change that, even if she maneuvers him into a committed relationship. And they need to stop blaming women for the way men turn out!

Another thing that bugs me: most male authors seem to have little understanding of the world women inhabit, including the powerful influences pressing on us since childhood.

Females receive different social lessons and treatment than males, beginning at birth.² It includes everything from interpretations of our facial expressions to bedtime stories to promoted role models in real life and in the media.³ It also includes the attitudes and behaviors that girls and woman are praised for displaying and the concessions we’re expected to make.

If you look, you can’t help but notice how many female role models in our culture gained their high position based on the man they married, not their own accomplishments. This encapsulates the dynamic taught since childhood in fairytales, where the heroine gains an elite position from marrying a prince, not from saving the country herself from the dragon, monster, or wicked witch.

Even without marrying a member of the social elite, being in a romantic relationship remains the highest priority pushed on females. It can descend into a life philosophy of any man is better than no man at all – a widely accepted conviction among many.

Don’t believe me? Count the headlines in women’s mags, podcasts, blogs, substacks and books. Love and relationships everywhere you look. Most are about pleasing a man, seducing a man, keeping a man. Not so much about is he worth it? or you need to raise your standards.

Males may not get this as they’re targeted differently. In spite of a few parents encouraging their boys to watch Disney’s Frozen so they can brag on social media, most content directed at children remains gender-specific. This persists into adulthood when movies with female protagonists are still labeled chick flicks and everything from razors to shampoo are marketed differently to women than to men, even without different uses for the products.⁴

This is just a snippet of the pervasive forces socializing girls and women differently than boys and men. Male authors usually overlook these factors, however well-intentioned they may be. It matters if you’re trying to help women find good partners and build solid relationships.

Speaking of relationships, I’m incredibly disappointed that addressing serious partnership problems has remained a growth industry – in fact, it’s enjoying a boom. It’s hard to miss how problematic it’s become for normal people to form loving, lasting relationships.

What’s being encouraged in mainstream culture makes fragile, even destructive, pairings far more common. It’s now routine for me to speak with a woman in her 30s or even older who’s never actually had a relationship. She’s been relegated to a position as a secret, secondary connection (a side piece), or just a dependable hookup. Without significant changes, she’ll never know what it’s like to share her life with someone. These women deserve better.

Another reason for this book – I wanted to address the appeal of other widespread incarnations of Mr. Wrong. Alongside my work on abusers, whom I label Hostile Victims in this book, I often meet or hear about other types of men who generate serious turmoil for the women who love them. The ones I see most often are the chronic cheaters, rebellious bad boys, and commitment-phobic men. There’s another type I call Intense Burnouts. These guys constantly fall madly in love and then quickly fall out again, only to disappear without a trace.

It would be easy to simply label these men Narcissists and leave it at that. I can’t do that. Besides being inaccurate it’s too one size fits all.c There are significant differences between these categories of men that require different solutions for dealing with them.

Let me confess, I gave up on this book for a while. Yet, while looking for materials to recommend to the women approaching me for guidance, I had trouble finding solid references. Most resources were too academic or only detail an author’s horrific personal experiences (nicknamed trauma porn). Many of the books, blogs and popular social media Influencers offer advice that’s impractical to follow, incomplete or just plain wrong.

And I didn’t want to advise women to choose men they aren’t attracted to and don’t desire as an alternative.

I decided to fill this resource gap with key facts and simple, practical tools written by a woman for other women. I’m convinced improving your taste in men shouldn’t be a chore. Any instructions provided are fairly straightforward. Some steps are even fun. By the end, you’ll know what to do, and it won’t involve settling for a man you don’t want. Settling isn’t a solution.

I also had to make a big decision. When offering advice, those of us providing knowledge have to choose. We can either coddle or we can assist. Coddling is telling you what you want to hear – that everything you already think and do is absolutely correct, even when it’s not. It’s presuming you can’t handle being advised to reconsider some of your choices. Coddling is rationalizing or ignoring your mistakes, even when they’re significant. Coddling never challenges you because your short-term approval is more valued than your long-term success.

Assisting you means doing a deep dive into the best research and knowledge available, classic and contemporary, and sharing. It’s treating you like you’re courageous enough to handle awkward or challenging insights if they’ll lead you toward your goals. It’s staying alongside you as you go, offering solutions that have been crafted to be as easy as possible to follow.

I was determined to write an accessible guide to help women avoid the pitfalls that often lead to relationships with unworthy men. I highlight self-sabotaging factors that may keep the type of man you want from choosing you. No babying. Grown-up advice for someone self-assured enough to handle it. More than anything else, I want you to find a healthy relationship where you’re loved and cherished. I want you to be happy.

By the way, the women and men interviewed for this book are real people. They’re American, British, or Australian and of all races. They gave me permission to record them. I wanted to quote them accurately, so I kept their words the way they said them, warts and all.

Is this book for you? If you’re drawn to the title, I’d say the answer is a resounding, Yes! I’ll explain why in the next chapters, where I also share my own experiences with an Emotionally Dangerous Man.

Any questions or something you’d like to share? Please contact me on my website: <www.drdinamcmillan.com>.

________

aMy abuse prevention and improved response work includes my Unmasking the Abuser education programs, TEDx talk, Unmasking the abuser | Dina McMillan | TEDxCanberra - YouTube and podcast series, Unmasking the Abuser - The Podcast (buzzsprout.com). I also wrote a book on this topic called, But He Says He Loves Me: How to Avoid Being Trapped in a Manipulative Relationship (Allen & Unwin). My bias reduction program is called, Healing the Rift.

bA notable exception to this trend is an Instagram Influencer named Ace Metaphor. He’s raw, blunt and encourages women to stop lowering their standards. He has almost a million followers.

cBasically, my issue is that as a tall woman, One Size Fits All stopped fitting me at around age twelve. I don’t think broad labels applied to objects or people where the aspects that don’t apply are just ignored is helpful.

PROLOGUE

THE JOURNEY OF A THOUSAND MILES …

… begins with one step, according to the ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu.⁵ The journey being referred to applies both to a trip leading to a new location and the path of enlightenment leading to a better life.

Is step one for you reading this book? Are you beginning your own journey of enlightenment? Do you expect to be more successful if you have a detailed map to follow? Is Emotionally Dangerous the type of man you usually go for, romantically?

No-one has to know why you’re reading this book. Any reason at all is fine – and not just because I wrote it. Better information leads to better decisions. And because most of us give advice to others, it’s helpful to know more, even if that’s only a referral to something useful.

One of the first questions people ask me when I tell them about this book is, "Why do you talk so much about the kind of men women should avoid?"

My answer is because so many of us seem to be drawn to them, again and again. If it were easy to stay away from these men, we’d obey the intuition in our gut when it sounds the alarm, advising caution. Or we’d heed the warnings from loved ones about these guys. But too often we decide to ignore all good advice. We jump in headfirst and seriously regret it soon afterwards.

You may think your reason for choosing the wrong man is low self-esteem. Low self-esteem or even internalized misogyny are buzzwords for everything from obsession with chocolate to the inability to ask for a raise. It doesn’t explain much about this romantic tendency.

Inadequate feelings of self-worth sounds more academic, but it’s as limited as the other terms to explain this phenomenon. Even when they’re used correctly, none of these expressions really express the complex dynamics between women and the types of men discussed here. Everything I’ve seen over my years in practice insists there’s something else going on.

I’ve put some key knowledge in this book to help you gain important understanding about destructive relationships. I spent a great deal of time over the years researching these materials and conducting interviews. I’ve worked hard to make it accessible to everyone, not just to those familiar with academic terminology and psychological jargon (known as psycho-babble).

But the information in this book won’t do any good unless you participate. That includes actively applying what you learn. And note, I won’t ask you to do anything I haven’t done myself:

•Step One: Open your mind. This means adopting a growth mindset – a firm belief you can change anything about yourself if you’re willing to learn, accept mistakes, and keep improving until you reach your goal. Have a quick look at Professor Carol Dweck’s work on growth versus a fixed mindset in her short TED Talk and her book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.d Professor Dweck’s work can help you increase the courage you’ve already displayed by choosing this book. You’ll welcome the fact your brain will build new pathways as you continue. You’ll understand the importance of not judging yourself by your past mistakes and get why you should reframe any missteps you’ll make as you learn. You’ll abandon the conviction that you’re defined by your previous behaviors and known skillset. You’ll accept that something that’s tough at first can still be mastered if you persist. Opening your mind and adopting a growth mindset can help you genuinely consider what’s being shared and remain motivated to use the tools being offered. A growth mindset can help you succeed – and it’s fairly simple to build.

•Step Two: Prepare yourself for a bit of discomfort. Don’t worry. Nothing is triggering or traumatic. I have to warn you, though, some of the information may be a little uncomfortable to admit to yourself. I didn’t include information on obstructive beliefs and behaviors to make you feel silly or inadequate. I had to include it. People are rarely forced into their life situations. The romantic relationships you’ve had are the result of the choices you’ve made. It’s crucial to delve into the drivers for those decisions and reconsider their worth. A growth mindset will help here, too, as you won’t believe your past defines your future. You’re evolving into a new you, remember? You’re not judging yourself by your old ways of doing things.

•Step Three: Take responsibility. On that note, the hurtful things that happen in your relationships are never entirely the other person’s fault. Ouch. Sure, there are malicious men (and women) out there, and yes, sometimes they take advantage. But you also contributed to your situations – and therefore have to take some of the responsibility for the outcomes. I’m not asking you to take the blame for someone else’s wrongdoing, a common tactic used by Emotionally Dangerous Men. Your part can be as simple, and as key, as acknowledging you ignored the warning signs because you didn’t want them to be true. Think of it as Note to Self – I’m not doing that again.

•Step Four: Write it down. Sometimes it helps when you read an important book to highlight sections and write notes to yourself in the margin. If you ever listen to Oprah Winfrey as she discusses helpful materials, she always mentions that she does this. If you’re reading this on a device or listening to the audio version, get yourself a notebook. If it’s really crucial, jotting down the core points can help you remember them. There’s also a test in this book that I suggest you fill out in pencil (you may need to use it again). I’ve also included The Test on my website so you can print it from there. Go to <www.drdinamcmillan.com>.

•Step Five: Try not to get insulted or distracted by the language. Some of the men I interviewed were pretty explicit when they talked about their lives (especially about their sex lives). Since this is how they expressed themselves, the quotations can sound a bit raw. If you stream content or read fiction novels, you’re probably used to hearing and reading these words, and probably worse.

•Step Six: Consider the men’s risky characteristics. Ask yourself whether you secretly find these attitudes and behaviors appealing. Don’t get caught up pointing the finger at someone else, thinking, "Yep, that’s the kind of guy she always picks." There’s enough bad taste to go around! If you’re busy judging someone else, you could miss key knowledge you need for yourself. Getting to the new place you want to be requires accurately figuring out your starting point.

•Step Seven: Understand what you’re getting. This book contains a lot of ideas, a few of which may be new to you. They’re based on social scientific research, theories and articles, as well as my own findings. Each chapter is filled with different information. It also contains my Dr. Dina’s terminology peppered throughout the book. This includes:

oHarsh Truths – These are frank, no-nonsense evaluations of certain actions along with their most likely consequences. They’re called harsh not only because you may flinch when you come across them, but also because they predict outcomes you may not want to face.

oThe Myths of Love – You’re going to discover how your culture and environment misled you about yourself, men and romance. Beginning in your earliest days, you were indoctrinated into the Myths of Love – stories and fantasies with happy endings that just don’t work that way in real life.

oBlanket Excuses – You’ll also begin to see the most common rationalizations used to defend poor romantic choices, insisting they’re somehow noble and good. Some of these will be familiar to you, as they were to me when I wrote them. They’re scripted words women use to justify committing romantic suicide.

oDestructive Beliefs – These thoughts, feelings and emotions are the real foundations underlying your damaging choices. Going deep into your mind, destructive beliefs can be described as the essence of what you truly feel about men, love and your personal worth. It’s destructive beliefs that convinced you to return to him when logic screamed for you to leave him and never go back.

oRed Flags – A red flag is probably a familiar term. It’s a serious warning sign alerting you about significant trouble ahead. Part of the learning and growth you’ll gain here is paying attention to these. You can often avoid romantic disasters before you become deeply involved with someone if you stop dismissing red flags.

oEarly Relationship dos and don’ts – These dos and don’ts include ways to behave that increase your chances of finding and keeping an emotionally healthy man. These are about being careful and learning to treat yourself with value and care. These are about finding the appeal in men who are emotionally functional and ready for a relationship. If you follow these tips closely, they’ll help you go into your future with more knowledge and confidence – and better taste in men.

Ready to start? Let’s begin where I did. I’ll tell you why I wrote this book, and why you need to read it.

________

dCarol Dweck: The power of believing that you can improve | TED Talk; Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, Random House, 2006.

INTRODUCTION

OUT OF THE FRYING PAN …

It’s been years now, but I can remember every detail like it was in front of me. Can you relate to that? Do you have any experiences that still glow in bold colors and make your heart rate accelerate when you think about it? Here’s one of mine.

I wasn’t really paying attention that day in the gym. I was trying to finish the programmed time on the exercise bike without passing out. Then I happened to look up. I saw him walk in. I recognized him immediately, and my heart sank like concrete into my stomach. My palms felt sweaty, and I know my face was flushed. I was terrified that everything I was feeling would show on my face. I tried to play it cool and collected. I continued to pedal nonchalantly, using all of my concentration not to look at him.

My self-control didn’t last long. I just had to look. When I did, I was instantly sorry. If anything, he was even better-looking than he had been when I’d met him before. Although he lived in London, he was smoothly tanned. I wondered if it was due to artificial tanning or time spent in Spain? He was muscular and just over six feet tall. He had a dimpled chin like Cary Grant in the classic films. He flashed a smile that could sell toothpaste. He carried himself like an athlete, with sure grace and easy movements.

I tried to use all of my mental tools so I wouldn’t be impressed. I looked to find fault with him so I wouldn’t feel such a rush of attraction. I told myself, He’s not so great. I mean, look at … look at … well, anyway, he’s not so great. When I couldn’t find anything physically wrong with him, I tried to look for other things to make myself feel less overwhelmed. I told myself, You can tell he knows he’s gorgeous. Well, he was gorgeous, so to be fair, you can’t really criticize someone for being aware of an obvious fact. I’ll bet he’s as dull as dishwater, I reassured myself.

The way he caught my eye and held it a few times let me know that my attempts to feign disinterest weren’t fooling him. I knew my defense mechanisms were pretty useless.

Eventually he walked over, with that confident walk and cocky grin I remembered well. It was obvious that he didn’t remember who I was, and I didn’t dare remind him. Instead, I stopped working out and looked boldly back at him. When he removed his earbuds, there was a thin patina of sweat on his smooth forehead. That was the only evidence I could see that he’d been lifting weights for the better part of an hour. Of course, I looked like I’d been pulling a cart up a hill. I was hot and drenched and very self-conscious. Maybe he liked sweaty women, because after a brief hello he asked me to meet him at the juice bar for a drink.

I knew better; I really did. If this man wasn’t Trouble with a capital T, I don’t know who is. After all, I’d seen him around several years ago. During that time, I lost count of the women I’d seen on his arm. None of them seemed to last very long, and he never looked broken-hearted or even regretful. This was obviously not a man looking for a deep relationship. He was a playboy, from the top of his perfectly coiffed head to the bottom of his expensively shod feet. As for myself, I am not the kind of woman who wants a commitment-shy lothario! Oh, no. I’m an educated woman who likes men who are stable, rational, and dependable. Oh yes, I do!

So, being the consistent and rational woman that I was, I told him I’d meet him after I finished my workout. After all, I told myself, I wasn’t really interested in him. If I wasn’t really interested, I couldn’t get hurt, right? Then why bother, you ask? Well, to be honest, he was very good-looking, wasn’t he? I knew he could have any woman he wanted. To be really frank, deep in my heart I could have been that awkward teenager again, the one I’d left behind long ago. I felt privileged to be chosen by such a handsome, successful man. I just knew I could handle him!

If this scene had happened on television or film, the score would have started playing that really creepy music to warn the audience. In real life, I just ignored every instinct I had that was telling me to leave this man alone. Instead, I decided to listen to that part of my brain that rationalizes and denies the truth. That day, I felt like deluding myself into thinking I could control what I would feel for someone. I told myself that I could worry about it tomorrow. Today, I was going to have drinks with an incredibly attractive man.

Right now, you may be thinking, Wait a minute! This isn’t the right book for me! My relationship with my guy was nothing like hers. Is she only talking about relationships with attractive playboys? My guy never cheated on me, and no-one but his mother would have thought he was good-looking. Our problems were nothing like that!

Don’t worry; you have picked the right book. Although I mention problems with a handsome, uncaring man first, there are different types of men discussed and intellectually dissected. Not all of them are handsome, and not all of them cheat. But a man doesn’t have to be physically attractive and unfaithful to devastate you emotionally. If you picked this book, you’ve probably been involved with at least one man you should have avoided at all costs, even if he’s nothing like Jason.e

You also may think I was really dumb to go out with Jason. You’re absolutely right – I was an unmitigated idiot. I’m even embarrassed writing it down. But my reasons for dating Jason are probably not unusual. Before I agreed to meet him for a drink, I’d convinced myself that I could go out with him, have a good time, then never think about him again.

Have you ever blatantly lied to yourself like that? After all, I viewed myself as an intelligent, strong, confident woman in control of her emotions. I knew I could be attracted to a guy who wasn’t Mr. Right. But I was certain that if I was able to figure out his faults, then I wouldn’t be vulnerable to him.

And even if I chose to go out more than once with a man who was seriously flawed, I believed knowing his shortcomings would keep me from getting emotionally carried away. I felt I was too savvy and worldly to be fooled – and would have said so to anyone who asked.

Don’t laugh; I really told myself this! Of course, to keep up this mind-boggling level of self-delusion, I had to conveniently forget all the times I’d been wrong. If I’d been reminded, I would have made up some excuse for my emotional involvements with the Mr. Wrongs of my past.

My infatuation with Jason was humiliating. My initial attraction to him was totally based on the way he looked. If I’d been smart, I would have kept my mind on something else besides his GQ appearance. He had a totally arrogant manner, and I could tell he was very aware of how handsome he was. On the few occasions he actually asked me a question, he didn’t seem to care about my answers. What seemed to concern him most was whether other women were looking at him. It’s an understatement to say that his interest in me as a person was not great. I quickly classified him as emotionally shallow, selfish and arrogant. But he was also handsome, sociable and fun. He seemed to know people everywhere we went, and he had great ideas about where to go and what to do.

Over the next weeks, Jason and I ended up sharing much more than drinks. And like a complete fool, I fell madly in love with him. He knew how I felt, but it didn’t seem to matter to him one way or the other. Just like he always did, he became uninterested in me quickly and was off to new conquests. Over the next few months, I ran into him often. He was always happy, sociable and venting his charms on a new woman.

Yet he seemed to get very bothered if he happened to see me talking to another man. That was just feelings of ownership. My ego would have liked to be able to believe that his jealousy meant he cared for me – but it didn’t. He only wanted to make sure that every woman paid attention to him and no-one else.

A lot of time has passed since then. Change and significant personal growth allow me to reflect on my feelings for Jason with some measure of humor. Don’t let that fool you. The issues discussed in this book aren’t amusing. The pain we suffer when we maintain destructive relationships can be excruciating. It’s these beliefs that lead us to choose such faulty men as our romantic partners. And far too many of us do it.

It’s no secret that a lot of very bright, confident women become romantically involved with men against our better judgment – and ignoring the warnings of family and friends. Sooner or later, these men live up to their dreadful reputations.

So, let’s discuss it, keeping in mind the first person I confronted with these Harsh Truths was myself.

Starting with Harsh Truth #1. We often become involved with men we’d strongly advocate rejecting if we were giving advice to someone else!

Too often, we have blinders when it comes to our own choices but vision like one of the X-Men when it comes to spotting flaws in everyone else’s lives.

I was a perfect case of this. I’d prided myself on being able to spot the jerks among the men my girlfriends dated, even before I became a social psychologist. I would warn my girls early about the consequences of falling for some total numpty. They wouldn’t listen. After everything fell apart, we’d all sit around and commiserate about our horrible love lives.

To be honest, when these disappointments happened in my friends’ relationships for the reasons I’d predicted at the beginning, I felt smug. I felt powerful. After all, hadn’t I predicted their man would cheat, lie, steal, or, in one case, go out with another man? (Don’t ask. We all knew he was gay. She convinced herself he was straight.)

Wasn’t I usually able to spot these problems after one or two meetings with my friends’ new romantic prospects? Wasn’t I right about these men – repeatedly?

Having this skill convinced me that I was safeguarded from serious man troubles in my own life. I was proud to know I was capable. I convinced myself that just having that knowledge, that skill, would protect me.

Mind expert Jim Kwik warns, Knowledge is not power, it’s potential power. It only becomes power when you use it.f And you also realize that pride goes before the fall, don’t you? Armed with the kind of proud invulnerability I felt, I was really setting myself up. I was forgetting I needed to use my discernment, or it was worthless. This led me to:

Harsh Truth #2: Men show you who they are. You’re responsible if you don’t bother to pay attention.⁶

Maya Angelou said, When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

If you intentionally misinterpret serious flaws as harmless or pretend you can control whether or not you’ll get attached to someone, you’re deluding yourself. If you add willful blindness to the mix, seeing only what you want to be true, you’re up that poo-filled creek without a paddle. However intelligent and self-aware you believe yourself to be, you can’t tell beforehand what you’re going to feel.

One thing you can do early. If you look closely before you begin spending time with someone, you can often assess whether or not you’re really compatible. If you discipline yourself to consider him objectively and then act on what you know, you can spare yourself a lot of pain.

Make yourself stand back and consider him as though he was going out with a close friend. What are his strong points? What things worry you? If you’re not sure, find out. Ask him, ask the friends who know him. It matters. If nothing else, remember the powerful binding hormone oxytocin won’t seek your permission before flooding your system.⁷ Important Tip: Here’s something easy to do. Go to a comedy club or a funny film with a new guy. The club is better because they’ll feature comedians with a range of values and viewpoints. Then watch closely to see if the two of you find the same things funny. It’s hard to fake genuine laughter. Same sense of humor? Similar values and outlook.

As for me, after my summer with Jason came to a humbling end, I returned home broken-hearted and disillusioned. Once again, I’d learned being academically smart had not kept me from getting emotionally involved with an obvious jerk. I was furious with myself for being so sure about myself. I’d forgotten some important wisdom, like Harsh Truth #3.

Harsh Truth #3: Knowing something is bad for you won’t automatically protect you from it!

It can’t. It won’t. If knowledge isn’t consistently and actively used to make the right choices, then all it does is make you feel even more ridiculous when everything goes wrong.

In my heart, I also knew my relationship wasn’t rare or strange. At that point, I’d been fooling myself into relationships with the wrong men for years. I couldn’t ignore that any longer. Although not every man I’d cared for had been an attractive playboy like Jason, there were always serious incompatibilities. I’d chosen these men, so something in my thinking had to be seriously off balance. By admitting this to myself, my entire belief system about my feelings, my judgment and my experience with intimacy was turned on its head. I didn’t know what to do next.

You may feel the same way about your life and making smarter choices. If you look at the endnotes or on my website, <www.drdinamcmillan.com/fascination.resources>, I’ll share some additional information about everything discussed in this book.⁸

In my case, my academic background helped me work out my dilemma after Jason. During my studies, I’d often come across discussions about women and romantic troubles. What especially struck me were findings demonstrating how common it is for women to hold on to beliefs that keep us in romantic turmoil. I’m not sure if that’s tragic or reassuring.

I became a woman on a mission. I pored over studies done by researchers throughout the English-speaking world including the US, Canada, the UK, and Australia. As I continued through my career, I kept gathering data, putting interesting journal articles and news coverage into a special file. That file was a priority to copy onto any new laptop and was always being updated into the cloud. I sought out books that covered aspects of the topic. I also recorded interviews whenever I could after meeting people who fit the circumstances in this book. In my work over the years, what I encountered most often were women inclined to:

•repeat the same romantic mistakes, with slight variations, for years or even a lifetime,

•believe their love can transform a bad man, a selfish man, a cruel man, an unfaithful man into a good man,

•stay involved because they view their relationship as unique and think no-one else can fully understand it,

•take all the blame when their relationship fails or place all the blame on their ex,

•believe their love is special if it involves great suffering,

•believe most romantic relationships are painful and difficult on a consistent basis,

•fear change so much they’re willing to endure almost anything,

•tell themselves that if they just do this differently or do that more often, their relationship will turn out the way they want,

•don’t truly believe they deserve a strong, passionate, loyal relationship. They may want it or even long for it; they just don’t personally expect to get it,

•convince themselves their partner is almost ready to become the man they need – and if they leave, he’ll be that great guy for the next woman,

•are terrified of wasting the time and effort they’ve already spent, even after recognizing the costs far outweigh the benefits. This is called a sunk cost fallacy.⁹

These common perceptions are among the beliefs I classified as the Myths of Love and describe in depth. They’re deep-rooted convictions you hold about yourself and romance that encourage you to make choices that hold little chance of success.

I noticed something else dealing with relationships between reasonably healthy women and emotionally troubled men. Some of the research written by clinical psychologists maintains that people tend to seek romantic partners who are like their parents.¹⁰ In other words, even if you hate your parents’ relationship with each other, on a deep level your brain has accepted their dynamic as normal. It may even define it as a model of romantic love in your mind.¹¹

Unless you work to change the subconscious definitions of love created by your upbringing, you risk crafting a romantic life similar to your parents.¹² If your parents had a great relationship, reaching that goal requires effort and good judgment. If the thought makes you cringe, you’re not alone.

By the way, if your parents didn’t even have a relationship, that’s not better. Your expectations will then to be idealized and unrealistic. It can lead to increased susceptibility to a devious partner or even a complete mistrust of men.¹³

What I’ve observed over the years definitely gives credit to these theories. But they don’t quite explain why our hearts place so many women in harm’s way.

Some social psychologists insist many of your actions are also based on the fantasies your culture instills in you regarding love and romance.¹⁴ In addition to the romantic relationships you were exposed to in your childhood, you’re vulnerable to adopting romantic beliefs based upon whatever’s being promoted in the content you read, listen to, watch. As we discuss the influence of culture, you’ll realize how much you’re being set up to fail.

Very informative, but I kept searching. Other sociologists and social psychologists discussed the larger reasons for many of our love problems. Some say women get into trouble because we pick the wrong men – men who aren’t able to love us in return.¹⁵ Duh. Tell me something we didn’t already know. Others say women love the wrong way – we interact with men in ways that keep us from finding real intimacy.¹⁶ Perhaps in some cases. There’s usually room for improvement in our relationships, a place where I admit