Born into a World I Don't Belong In

By Maria Wynne

For women and girls who have been misunderstood, miss-diagnosed and quite frankly missed altogether in getting an autism diagnosis – THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU.

For decades females on the spectrum went undetected causing a lifetime of struggles, anxiety, depression, missed opportunities and incorrect diagnoses. Women and girls tended to fly under the radar due to the fact that they learned from an early age how to mask, mimic and role-play in order to fit in with societal norms and expectations. Due to a lot of research in this field, there are now a lot more evidence-based theories to support the view that autism is just as prevalent in females as it is in males, but it just wasn’t picked up due to the gender difference in presentation. There still needs to be a lot more awareness and information available for women and girls who may feel different but don’t know why. Maybe they have been searching for answers in the wrong places. My mission is to help raise awareness of this condition. And who can do this better than a female on the spectrum that walks, talks and lives each day in those shoes?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Jul 21, 2023
• ISBN: 9781398489882

Maria Wynne

Maria Wynne originates and currently lives in the Garden County of Ireland which boasts beautiful landscapes, beaches and endless countryside. She also has the Wicklow mountains at her doorstep. Maria is an avid lover of nature and enjoys being surrounded by the calming abilities nature can give. Animals play a vital part in her life, and she is the proud mother to two beautiful dogs, a maltese named Buffy and maltipoo named Emily. Maria is very family-orientated and will always aim to put the family at the core of her priorities. She has a very compassionate nature. She is empathic and caring and spends a lot of time caring for sick relatives and family members. When she gets the time, Maria loves to socialise with friends and enjoys going on holidays. Her hobbies include swimming, horse riding and reading.

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About the Author

Maria Wynne originates and currently lives in the Garden County of Ireland which boasts beautiful landscapes, beaches and endless countryside. She also has the Wicklow mountains at her doorstep. Maria is an avid lover of nature and enjoys being surrounded by the calming abilities nature can give. Animals play a vital part in her life, and she is the proud mother to two beautiful dogs, a maltese named Buffy and maltipoo named Emily. Maria is very family-orientated and will always aim to put the family at the core of her priorities. She has a very compassionate nature. She is empathic and caring and spends a lot of time caring for sick relatives and family members. When she gets the time, Maria loves to socialise with friends and enjoys going on holidays. Her hobbies include swimming, horse riding and reading.

Dedication

I would like to dedicate this book to two special people that have sadly gone from this world and have left a huge void. My uncle John, who passed away on the 29th of November 2018 and my cousin Ciara Ryan, who passed away on 8th of April 2016, aged 14 years.

When grief tries to steal the beauty of your memories, just remember: LOVE NEVER DIES.

– Author Unknown

Copyright Information ©

Maria Wynne 2023

The right of Maria Wynne to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

The story, experiences and words are the author’s alone.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781398489875 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781398489882 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published 2023

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd®

1 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5AA

Acknowledgement

I would like to thank my mom Margaret and dad Shay for all their love and support throughout the years. I don’t know what I would have done without them. I would like to thank my tried and trusted friend Joanne Dunne who always has my back. I would like to thank Martin Dunlea who was a lifeline for me at crisis points in my life. I would like to thank Lorna Power, an amazing Psychologist for giving me tools and strategies to incorporate into my life. I would like to thank all the staff in the Adult ADHD clinic for their life changing treatment, support and tools to make living with ADHD that bit less challenging.

Finally, I want to acknowledge a very special person, Mary O’Hagan. Mary was there the very first day I started work in the hospital over 25 years ago. She took me under her wing and ended up taking an additional role as my work mammy. My survival in work in those first few years was attributed to her. When I told her I had written this book she was both excited and delighted with my achievement. She told me she wanted to buy the first signed copy. Not long after this conversation disaster struck, and Mary got diagnosed with cancer. She put up a tough fight and faced her illness with such dignity and courage, but Mary passed this week when God decided he couldn’t wait any longer and came to take her home.

Now Mary there is no postal address for Heaven, if there was, I would send up a signed copy with a note saying how much we miss you. How you touched so many lives here on earth and to thank you for being a wonderful mother to your A-Team, they are a credit to you. And last but not least to thank you for always being there for your work kids to lend that ear or shoulder to cry on or may be just those words of encouragement you so readily gave which in turn gives us the confidence in the knowledge that we can succeed at anything once you put your mind down to it.

Foreword

A movie quote from All My Life got me contemplating just how short life is on this earth. The actor Jean Carter from this movie contextualised it brilliantly in a powerful affirmation that really got me thinking, The average person lives for approximately 25,375 days, that’s all you get if you are lucky. I thought that it didn’t seem like a lot of time. But then again, how many days do we actually remember anyway? Most of the days past unnoticed, unremarkable or unmarked. Because we only remember the days that we feel something happened…something beautiful or tragic. Most days will pass in a blur.

This is very true if you think about it. It only seems like yesterday I was in sixth year embarking on my leaving cert, the world was my oyster and today I am in my forties wondering what the hell happened. The speed of time from my teens to my forties seems to have happened in a blink of an eye and indeed on the greater scale of things most of those days in between passed relatively unnoticed. Quite frankly, I find this concept quite scary. I don’t want the second half of my life to pass the same way. I want to leave a mark on this world so hopefully by telling my story, I will reach out to someone who is struggling at the moment and make a difference. It might be just that little flicker of light someone that is struggling is looking for, which in time can be nurtured into a beautiful glowing flame that will always stay lighting within them.

Having been diagnosed at 38 with Asperger’s syndrome defined a great deal for me. I don’t necessarily fit into the tropes of a stereotypical autistic person but that doesn’t mean to say I am not autistic. My diagnosis came about when I was referred to the psychology services due to stress and anxiety and bouts of depression I was experiencing. At that time, I was also experiencing periodic episodes of bullying in work. Having lived with being undiagnosed and female, I can say from personal experience, it can take a major toll on your mental health because you are constantly trying to compensate for the difficulties you face and can end up paying a huge price emotionally, cognitively and physically in this respect.

In writing this book, I represent the autistic community and portray the differences that there are among us. No two autistic people are the same. It is a gradient, and, in that gradient, there is a range of traits which an individual may or may not have. Some people may be verbal and other people may be non-verbal. Some people are more high functioning whereas other people need round the clock care.

I also want to debunk the myths and misrepresentations about autistic people. I want to raise awareness of female Asperger’s Syndrome and the fact that many females are currently under diagnosed. The reason for the under diagnosis is thought to be girls/women can mask and camouflage and hid their differences, consequently hindering them getting diagnosed until later in life resulting in a lifetime of challenges and struggles. As females do not follow the same characteristic traits as their counterparts, it has often been said that girls were hiding in plain sight due to the fact that they presented differently. This has resulted in healthcare professionals incorrectly diagnosing girls/women with a range of mental health conditions throughout their childhood and teens until they are eventually correctly diagnosed in adulthood. In the early 90s, Asperger’s Syndrome was considered a rare condition in girls; it was increasingly recognised in boys but not in girls. This resulted in dire consequences for those individuals who were incorrectly diagnosed.

My life up until my diagnosis was filled with intermittent struggles, severe bouts of stress and anxiety and episodes of depression. I hid these struggles as best I could. I tried to ignore the feelings that kept surfacing to the forefront playing havoc with my emotions. There were days my mind would feel like a war zone doing battle at full force and I was getting no reprieve. My brain can feel like it is on fire at times, causing me to feel spaced out and disconnected with reality. The bouts of depression I suffered at times would come in waves and engulf me and I would descend into that deep dark place in the mind that was hard to navigate.

The day of my diagnosis is a day that will be etched in my memory forever. I define it as my Ah-Ha moment or my Eureka moment. I finally felt I had the answer as to why I felt the way I had felt all through my life. The pieces of the puzzle were starting to slide into place. I was initially on a bit of a high. But this feeling didn’t last. I felt angry at getting diagnosed at this stage in life. If I would have been a child when I was diagnosed, I could have gotten the appropriate treatment and services which might have given me a somewhat normal life. All I ever wanted was to just be like everyone else, not to feel so different and so isolated. I wanted to reach the same milestones as my peers. I wanted marriage. I wanted a family. I wanted the progression in my career and be treated as an equal in the workplace. Now as I am coming to terms with the fact that that this is not the path, I will be taken in life I feel totally and utterly dejected.

As I slowly processed the above information, I came to the realisation if I want to live a happy and content life moving forward, I needed to accept me as I am knowing I can’t change who I am or how my brain functions while firstly allowing myself to grieve the losses in life that I know I will never achieve.

I have to say I never thought for one moment that I would be on the autistic spectrum. But now that I know I feel it is time to embrace this fact and work within realms of my capabilities. I have acquired strategies to use, and I have also researched additional strategies to help with the different aspects in life that I struggle with. My plan is by putting these strategies in place, I can achieve the same results as everyone else just with a little more effort and time.

If you are reading this book and certain aspects resonate with you, my advice is to seek advice from a healthcare professional or your GP; do not start googling and self-diagnosing. The healthcare professionals will guide you on the right path if you want to pursue a diagnosis. Finally, I just want to mention if you strongly suspect you have Asperger’s Syndrome (not a term that is used any longer) which is now replaced with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and as an adult, you feel that a diagnosis might only hinder you in some way, then you need to explore the benefits of seeking a diagnosis. There is probably a lot of females out there undiagnosed and continuing with a normal life. They may be quite happy and content with their life so why rock the boat? It is only if you are experiencing problems or struggling in life that a diagnosis is useful because it is helpful to know what you are dealing with.

Introduction

I am somewhat new to being autistic or actually knowing that I am on the spectrum. Whether I was conscious of the fact or not, Asperger’s Syndrome has affected every element of my life up until now. Looking back, I can recognise some autistic traits when I was growing up. In addition to the diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome, I also have a diagnosis of OCD and ADHD.

I am writing about my experience with these conditions with an aim to putting a human face on Asperger’s syndrome, OCD and ADHD. For many females on the spectrum, diagnosis doesn’t usually happen until well into adulthood. This can mean decades of social rejection, being misunderstood, incorrect diagnoses leading to a lifetime of anxiety and depression.

I will tell my story from a first-person experience. I will start by delving into my early childhood which when looking back now could have indicated red flags. In the mid/late 80/90s, Asperger’s syndrome was not widely recognised and especially not in females.

My first years of life, I developed sleep issues which were combined with intense emotion. I was told I would cry persistently for hours on end, and I would be difficult to soothe. My parents would have to walk the hall at night to try sooth me and the minute I