Shatterproof: A Mother's Memoir of Love and Loss

By Barbara Byer

At 31, Benjamin Byer was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) that portended nothing but certain death within two to four years. Grief descended on his family, leaving an emptiness that could not be filled or excised, only reshaped and absorbed. As Ben sought new meaning for what remained of his life, his mother, Barbara, reconstructed hers with courage, humor, anger, and grit, finding ways to ride the storm, drifting, plunging and resurfacing. This gripping memoir of Barbara’s journey allows the reader a felt experience of a heartbreaking journey of love, acceptance and peace.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jul 4, 2023
• ISBN: 9781312366077

Book preview

SHATTERPROOF

A Mother’s Memoir of Love and Loss

Barbara L. Byer

Copyright © 2023 Barbara L. Byer

All Rights Reserved

Published by Lulu Enterprises, Inc. and Lulu Press, Inc.

Raleigh, North Carolina, U.S.A.

Shatterproof: A Mother’s Memoir of Love and Loss

ISBN

9-781312-366077

For

Stephen, Matthew, Joshua, Sarah

and especially Rebeccah

who put so many of her dreams aside to help

her brother Benjamin realize his

Ring the bells that still can ring.

Forget your perfect offering.

There’s a crack in everything.

That’s how the light gets in.

Leonard Cohen

The Anthem

1992

With Gratitude . . .

. . .for all who held me through this painful journey, who gave me their honest reflections and encouraged me to share my truth.

Ellen Blum Barish, author of Views from the Home Office Windows, On Motherhood Family and Life, and Seven Springs, superb editor, journalist, teacher, and friend encouraged me to begin this painful and healing journey. When I drifted and wandered, her gentle guidance reminded me of my purpose.  I am forever grateful for her support and talent. I would never have birthed this memoir without her belief in me.

Carol Campbell, my writing partner of 30 years and author of Look Away No More and Views from a Pier, relentlessly encouraged me to stay the course. Her love and appreciation for my worth as a writer and for my Bedtime Stories for Moms has uplifted my spirit and confidence for decades.

Barbara Mahaney, author of many books, essays, and journals on spirituality, interfaith and nature, published my essay, Black Clouds, on her blog, Pull Up a Chair, a gesture which strengthened my resolve as a writer.

To Everyone who has followed my posts, enjoyed my stories, and left kind messages on Burnt Chocolate, I am forever grateful.

Dr. Michael Schafer and Elizabeth Kuks forged paths of care for our son Benjamin. Mary Nedrehe was a lifeline for me during very dark days. Dr. Paul Kachoris’ professional wisdom has carried me through difficult times.

Jeanie Kachoris, whose friendship, love, and support has been a bright light in my life for more than fifty years.

Matthew, Joshua, Benjamin, Sarah, and Rebeccah have given me unconditional love and the freedom to share our family stories. I am blessed to have such intelligent, supportive children who have more confidence in me than I have in myself.

Stephen, my husband of 60 years, has always supported my dreams with love. He has been an amazing partner for our life’s journey together. And we still have miles to go.

Barbara L. Byer

July 16, 2023

My 80th Birthday

In the Beginning . . .

Spring 1996 Four years before our world exploded, my husband Stephen and I moved back to Chicago’s near north side neighborhood, not far from the apartment building we lived in when our five children were born. We chose a modern, iron gated townhouse with a curved staircase and wood floors. In this narrow, four-story structure, I had my own office, desk, computer, and sofa, with a lovely view to the back yard garden.

Nearby Goudy Square playground was a familiar stomping ground, complete with sandbox and swings. The Chinese restaurant where our firstborn, Matthew, had his spectacular toddler melt down had closed. The nearby convenience store where our sons Josh and Ben celebrated their solo outing at ages four and five had survived. A few neighborhood shopkeepers still remembered me wheeling Sarah in a pram, Ben perched like a bird on the front. My mom had recently died, making me an orphan who was no longer needed in California. For the first time in thirty years, I could ponder my next pursuit at a leisurely pace, which is where this story of my life begins.

By early the next year, three of our five children were married, all living in other cities – Los Angeles, Quantico, Seattle, St. Louis, and Portland. Twins, the first of our grandchildren, were expected that summer. I was about to become a grandmother and missed the days of mothering my own babies. Twenty years earlier, I’d written a treatise on how mothers could encourage independence, foster responsibility, and create positive sibling relationships.

Rejection letters from dozens of publishing houses requiring qualifications sent me back to school to earn masters’ degrees, one in early childhood and another in humanities. By the time I had earned their approval, I’d lost interest in writing a ‘how to’ book.  Instead, I taught parents and teachers at the College of Lake County, but didn’t relish the rigid schedule, night classes, complaining students and grading requirements. When we moved back to our old neighborhood, I resigned. 

Instead, I became captivated with the idea of creating a one-day retreat for young mothers; a place for them to feel cared for and nourished as I had been through the weekly parent support program I joined when Rebeccah was an infant. My participation in the group continued until she graduated from high school. I benefited from Pathways, Personal Growth Workshops, Reiki trainings and Wakeful Dreaming Seminars. My closest friend, Jeanie Kachoris, joined me on this journey. Together, we created Moon Lodge for Moms, a retreat to nurture young mothers as they struggled to meet the needs of their children while caring for themselves.

Colorado offered a workshop we hoped would stimulate our vision. For five days, twenty women gathered in a circle to explore past experiences and delve deeper into our psyches. On day one, I was confronted with my first challenge.  The owner of the bed and breakfast where the workshop was held, had a three-year-old daughter who was free to wander into our space, disrupt the program, and demand her mother’s attention. The workshop leader indulged the behavior which left me frustrated with my own ambivalence. How could I support this young mom, stop the interference from her toddler and meet my own needs?  I thought the leader would take charge but that did not happen. By the morning of day three, my patience was gone. I suggested to the group that this young mother needed to either have her husband care for her daughter or not participate in the program. It was her choice.

At first, the young mother seemed offended. But she did relinquish her baby to her husband and remained in the group. The leader was not supportive or dismissive. And while the other participants appreciated my request, most importantly, I had found my voice. My request helped a mom learn to set limits, put aside her daughter’s needs and take care of herself. This turned out to be one of the most important foundational messages of our Moon Lodge. We returned home with a nearly completed program of four distinct components of support – emotional, spiritual, physical, and creative. 

My sister Sandy joined us as chef and prepared wonderful meals throughout the day. Our four daughters embraced our enthusiasm and agreed to assist us. Moon Lodge for Moms was birthed as a one-day retreat in a Glencoe log cabin, transformed with colorful woven blankets, hand knit booties, music, good food, art projects, drumming and sharing into a soothing, transformative experience of support and care for sixteen harried moms. Twice each year for several years, we transformed the cabin and nurtured young mothers.

Publishing plans surfaced, this time as a book to help women create Moon Lodges in their own homes with friends. How to Create Your Own Moon Lodge, was a detailed plan for women to develop their own transformative, holistic experience. We considered the pros and cons of self-publishing versus selling our ideas to a publisher and discussed marketing ideas as we organized descriptive materials. Would we need to travel? How much funding might be needed to launch our plan? Would former participants be willing to assist if we expanded?

Our twin grandsons, Adam and Zachary, arrived in June. The family gathered in St. Louis to celebrate Adam’s pidyon haben, or redemption of the first-born male with silver coins - a mitzvah in Judaism. One evening, just for fun, we played The Cube, a game that provides prompts to stimulate the imagination and perhaps offer a glimpse into the future. I can’t remember what anyone else shared about their vision – only Ben’s. One of the final prompts asked about the weather – is it raining, sunny, cloudy? Ben said the storm was huge. How so? Everything! Snow, wind, ice, hail, sleet, tornados, hurricanes, volcanos. But then his plans to become an actor seemed to fit with a dramatic vision. At the time, we laughed.

I began to write stories, took classes, attended workshops, and searched for my voice. Languishing in the past, I would close my eyes and imagine a particular moment in time so I could savor it once again. Whole scenes emerged. Past experiences and mistakes surfaced. I returned to the days I brought Rebeccah home to her four siblings, forgot my carpool responsibilities, and tried to keep toy guns out of the playroom during the Vietnam war era. I focused on those moments when I felt challenged or loved or abandoned or fulfilled. My pages filled with ease. As I gazed out the kitchen window one morning at the gated yard, memories floated