The Battle for Normality: Self-Therapy for Homosexual Persons

By Gerard J. M. van den Aardweg

This book is primarily meant for those homosexuality afflicted persons who seek practical advice in order to change, or, at least, to constructively and responsibly deal with it. It is written with their needs, anxieties, and weaknesses in mind, as Dr. Van den Aardweg has learned them during more than 30 years of therapy with homosexual persons.

There is a need for such a practical ""guide"" because there are very few able therapists who want to help the well-intentioned homosexual to change, and because most existing works on homosexuality are about theory, not about every-day self-therapy. Theoretical subjects are discussed, too, in so far as they are necessary to be able to fight the homosexual inclination, and to refute certain myths. This is a Christian psychological approach and it offers the best opportunities for change.

""Rich and insightful. Highly recommended.""
-Paul Vitz, Ph.D. ""Provides a useful, ""no-nonsense"" guide for self-help therapy. Many readers will be helped by this practical book.""
- Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D., Author, Healing Homosexuality ,

Gerard Van den Aardweg has had a private psychotherapeutic practice since 1963 in Holland, specializing in the treatment of homosexuality and marriage problems. He has written for many publications in these fields, and has authored several books on homosexuality.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ignatius Press
• Release date: Jul 1, 2010
• ISBN: 9781681494623

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

This book gives guidelines for the therapy of homosexuality, which is essentially self-therapy. It is intended for homosexually inclined persons who want to do something about their condition themselves but do not have the opportunity to visit a therapist with healthy ideas on the matter. For, indeed, there are few of them. The chief reason for this is that the topic of homosexuality had been neglected or ignored at universities, and if mentioned at all, emphasis is placed on the normality ideology: homosexuality is just a natural sexual alternative. So there are far too few medical people, behavioral scientists, and psychotherapists who have even a rudimentary knowledge of this subject.

That the element of self-treatment predominates in any treatment of homosexuality does not as a rule mean that one can go it alone. He who wants to overcome emotional problems needs a realistically understanding and encouraging guide to whom he can speak his mind, to help him discover important aspects of his emotional life and of his motivations, and to coach him in his struggle with himself. That guide need not necessarily be a professional therapist. Preferredly, he should be, but on the condition that he has healthy ideas about sexuality and morality; if not, he may do more harm than good. Occasionally, a physician or pastor with a balanced and normal personality and a capacity for realistic human insights can fill this role. If there is no one better qualified available, it may even be advisable to ask a sensible and psychologically healthy friend or relative to function as guide, as far as possible. For therapists and others who may be in the position of having to support a homosexual who wants to change, this book therefore is secondarily aimed. They too cannot dispense with basic knowledge of the homosexual condition.

I present here what I think are the essentials with regard to insight and (self-)treatment of homosexuality, based on more than thirty years of study and therapeutic experience with more than three hundred clients whom I have come to know well for several years at least and with many other (clinical as well as nonclinical, that is, socially adapted) persons with this orientation. For research evidence relating to such factors as psychological testing and homosexuality, parental and other intrafamily relationships, and social adaptation in childhood, I refer to my two previous books in English, especially On the Origins and Treatment of Homosexuality (1986; see also Homosexuality and Hope, 1985).

A Good Will

Without a strong determination, a good will, no change is possible. With it, improvement is certain in the majority of cases, and in a minority, even a cure—a deep inner change in overall neurotic emotionality and a beneficial reversal of sexual interests—is achievable.

But who possesses that good will? Most afflicted persons, including those who militantly profess their gayness, somehow still have the desire to be normal, repressed as it may be. Only a minority, however, really wants to change—and wants it with some constancy, rather than as a mere impulse that is perhaps recurring, but quickly fades away. Even among those with the best resolution to fight their homosexuality, there is a good deal of second thought, a hidden cherishing of the alluring homosexual desires. So a good will is for the most part still a weak will; and, of course, the will’s weakness is easily reinforced by all the social pressures to accept one’s homosexuality. To persist in the resolution to change one must cultivate in oneself such motivators as a clear view of homosexuality as something unnatural; a sound moral and/or religious conviction; and, where applicable, the will to make the best of an existing marriage relationship that is reasonable, apart from the sexual aspect. Being well-motivated is not the same as practicing rigid self-bashing, self-hatred, or a fearful compliance with moral prescriptions simply because they are imposed by society or religion; rather, it is to have a quiet and strong feeling that homosexuality is incompatible with psychological maturity and/or moral purity, with the deepest stirrings of one’s conscience, and with one’s responsibility before God. To strengthen regularly one’s moral resolution to fight the homosexual side of the personality is therefore crucial for a good outcome.

Results

Understandably, most of those considering treatment for their homosexuality, and other interested persons as well, are eager to know the percentage of cures. Simple statistics, however, do not convey all the information necessary for a balanced judgment. With regard to cures, according to my experience, about 10 to 15 percent of all who entered treatment (30 percent discontinued after some months) recovered radically. That is, after years of treatment they no longer have homosexual feelings and are normal in their hetero-sexuality; and their change only deepens in the course of the years. And—the third and obligatory criterion for a radical change—they improve greatly in terms of overall emotionality and maturity. This last aspect is essential because homosexuality is not an isolated preference, but an expression of a specific neurotic personality. For instance, I have seen a few cases of amazingly rapid and complete change from homosexual to heterosexual interests in persons in whom an until-then dormant paranoia had got the upper hand. These are cases of real symptom substitution, which make us aware of the clinical fact that homosexuality is much more than a functional disturbance in the sexual realm.

The majority of those who try to practice regularly the methods to be discussed here do improve, as measured after several (three to five on average) years of treatment. Their homosexual desires and fantasies become weak to nonexistent; heterosexuality comes into existence or is considerably strengthened; and their personalities become less neurotic. Some, not all, however, suffer occasional relapses (under stress, for example) of their old homosexual imagery; but if they return to the struggle the relapse usually does not last for long.

This picture is much more optimistic than emancipatory homosexuals—who have a vested interest in the dogma of the irreversibility of homosexuality—would make us believe. On the other hand, success is not so simple as some enthusiastic people from the ex-gay movement have sometimes contended. In the first place, the change process usually takes at least three to five years, in spite of all the progress that can be made within a much shorter period of time. Moreover, such change requires a persistent will, one prepared to be satisfied with small steps, small victories in everyday life, rather than expecting sudden dramatic cures. The realities of the process of change are not disappointing if we realize that the person in (self-)therapy is actually restructuring or reeducating a misformed and immature personality. Neither should one take the view that, when the outcome is not the complete disappearance of all homosexual inclinations, therapeutic attempts are not worth the trouble. Quite the contrary. The homosexual can only gain by the process: his sexual obsessions almost always fade away, and he becomes more happy and healthy in his outlook and, certainly, in his ways of life. Between complete cure and little or only temporary progress (which is the estimated outcome in about 20 percent of those who remain in treatment), there are many shades and grades of satisfactory improvement. But even most of those who least improve in their feelings in any case considerably restrict their homosexual contacts, and that can only be regarded as gain, in terms of both moral and physical health, as has become clear since the AIDS epidemic. (The data regarding sexually transmitted diseases and life expectancy of committed homosexuals are nothing but alarming, even if corrected for AIDS; Cameron 1992).

The case with homosexuality is, in short, as with other neuroses: phobias, obsessions, depressions, or other sexual anomalies. The most sensible thing is to try to do something about it, even if it costs energy and means giving up immediate pleasures and illusions. Most homosexuals surmise this, in fact, but because they do not want to see what is evident, some try to convince themselves that their orientation is normal and become furious if their dream, or escape from reality, is threatened. They like to exaggerate the difficulty of therapy and are certainly blind to the advantages of even slight changes for the better. But who would argue against therapies of rheumatoid diseases or cancer, even if these therapies still cannot definitively cure all categories of patients?

Successes of the Ex-Gay Movement

and Other Therapies

The growing ex-gay movement, consisting of many loosely organized groups and organizations of those with a homosexual inclination who want to change, can point to an increasing number of profoundly improved or even cured persons. They use a mixture of psychological and Christian ideas and methods, and in practice emphasize the element of interior struggle. The Christian believer may have an advantage in the therapy of homosexuality because his belief in the (undistorted) word of God gives him a firm orientation in life and strengthens his will to dispose of what he feels is his darker side and to long for moral purity. Despite some imbalances, such as an occasional overenthusiastic and somewhat premature tendency to witness and to expect miracles too easily, there is something we must learn from this Christian movement, a lesson that is learned in private practice, too: the therapy of homosexuality is a psychological, spiritual, and moral affair, even more so than the therapies of a number of other neuroses. Conscience is involved, as are man’s spiritual efforts, which teach him that giving in to homosexuality and to the homosexual lifestyle is irreconcilable with real peace of mind and being authentically religious. So many homosexuals try obsessively to reconcile the irreconcilable and imagine that they can be devout as well as homo-sexually active. The artificiality and self-deception of such attempts are apparent, however; they end up living as homosexuals and forgetting about Christianity or creating their own homosexuality-compatible version of Christianity to cover up their conscience. As for the therapy of homosexuality, the combination of spiritual-moral elements and psychological insights in all probability offers the most fruitful perspectives.

I do not wish to give the impression that in presenting the basic insights into homosexuality and its therapy, I am thereby invalidating other insights and methods. To my mind, the similarities in modern psychological theories and therapies are much greater than their differences. Notably, the basic insight that homosexuality is a problem of gender identification is shared by almost all of them. Moreover, therapeutic methods may differ in practice less than it might seem if one merely looks at the textbooks. There certainly is a good deal of overlap in methods. This said, and with great respect for all my colleagues who work in this field who try to see through the riddles of homosexuality and to help the troubled find their true identity, I offer what I think is the best theoretical combination of the various theories and insights, leading to the most effective methods of (self-)treatment. The more accurate our observations and conclusions are, the better the self-insight of the concerned homosexual person, and how far he can recover ultimately depends on his self-insight.

PART ONE

INSIGHTS

1

HOMOSEXUALITY:

AN OVERVIEW

Insights in Brief

In order to sharpen the reader’s understanding of the view expounded here, let us first highlight its distinguishing points. What is central here is the notion of the homosexual’s unconscious self-pity. This strong habit is not willful, but autonomous. It propels masochistic behavior. The homosexual wish itself is embedded in this unconscious self-pity, as are his feelings of gender inferiority. This view harmonizes the notions and behavioral observations of Alfred Adler (1930; that inferiority complex and compensation wishes aim at reparation of inferiority), Austrian-American psychoanalyst Edmund Bergler (1957; homosexuality as psychic masochism), and Dutch psychiatrist Johan Arndt (1961;