Killing My Old Man; Being the Person God Sees in Me

By Rodney Peavy

As a Christian, do you ever wonder why you still struggle with sin? Are you tired of repeating the same old mistakes? Have you found yourself caught in a seemingly never-ending cycle of habitual sin and shame? Are you tired of the feelings of defeat and long for the freedom, peace, and victory promised in being a new creation? Then it's time to face him. He is called the old man, the old self, or our old nature. We all have one. Are you ready to look him in the eye? Are you ready to fight him? Are you ready to live free? Let it begin today. It's time to kill your old man and be the person God sees in you.

"Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin. For he that is dead is freed from sin. Now if we be dead with Christ, we believe that we shall also live with him" (Rom. 6:6-8).

• Language: English
• Publisher: Covenant Books, Inc.
• Release date: Jul 7, 2023
• ISBN: 9798886444780

Book preview

Table of Contents

Title

Copyright

Preface

1: The Man in the Mirror

2: Kissing Frogs

3: The Pain of Grace

4: Here Be Dragons

5: Adversary of My Soul

6: The Reckoning

7: The Turning

8: The Ledge

9: Knock. Breathe. Shine.

10: There Is Nothing Wrong with Vanilla

11: Far from Normal

12: Eating the Elephant

13: A Better Country

14: Catching the Whistle

Quote Index

Bible Citations

About the Author

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Killing My Old Man; Being the Person God Sees in Me

Rodney Peavy

ISBN 979-8-88644-477-3 (Paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88644-478-0 (Digital)

Copyright © 2023 Rodney Peavy

All rights reserved

First Edition

Unless otherwise noted all Bible quotes are from the Holy Bible: King James Version. Carol Stream, IL: Barbour Publishing, Inc., 2003.

Other translations quoted include:

The Christian Standard Bible. Copyright © 2017 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Christian Standard Bible®, and CSB® are federally registered trademarks of Holman Bible Publishers, all rights reserved.

Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. The ESV text may not be quoted in any publication made available to the public by a Creative Commons license. The ESV may not be translated into any other language.

Scripture quotations marked HCSB are taken from the Holman Christian Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1999, 2000, 2002, 2003, 2009 by Holman Bible Publishers. Used by permission. Holman Christian Standard Bible®, Holman CSB®, and HCSB® are federally registered trademarks of Holman Bible Publishers.

Scripture quotations taken from the (NASB®) New American Standard Bible®, Copyright © 1960, 1971, 1977, 1995, 2020 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. All rights reserved. www.lockman.org

THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

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For my crazy family…

Without whom I'd be lost.

Searcher of Hearts, it is a good day to me when thou givest me a glimpse of myself.

—A Puritan prayer taken from The Valley of Vision

Preface

I must admit, this endeavor is much more than just another writing project or assignment for me. It is far more personal. It began as an exploration of Romans 6–8. I was attempting to fully grasp why it is that these three chapters are often looked upon as being the pinnacle of the book of the Bible often referred to as the Gospel of Grace. It was an honest attempt on my part to move from a head knowledge of these truths to a heart knowledge. Unexpectedly, this exploration evolved into something so intimate in nature that my first thought was to keep it locked away in a place where only I could see it and then turn to it only to firm up my own heart when needed. Nevertheless, as God often seems to do with such thoughts, I have received an overwhelming sense that the truth shown to me in the writing of these pages is not a truth to keep to myself, but a truth that might serve to encourage all who find themselves in need of being reminded of their identity as God sees it and the freedom that accompanies such a discovery.

This book has been long in coming and not an easy accomplishment to say the least. Little did I know that my digestion of these three chapters of Romans would be accompanied by a period of soul searching, self-loathing, and personal crisis in my spiritual and private life. To many onlookers, the inner struggles of this period of my life probably went unnoticed. However, to me it was a time of deep questioning and emotional striving, the likes of which I had, to this point in life, never endured. It was a time of ups and downs, of ping-ponging between depression and expression. It was at times miserable and at times joyous. Suffice it to say, it was a time that I pray I never have to relive and a time for which I would not trade for anything. It was a time of molding and shaping, and I consider it a personal treasure. It was no coincidence that God led me to this longing when he did. It was through this period in my life that God revealed himself to me in a new and dynamic way. He showed me the pain of grace and the healing of surrender. He has reminded me of who I am to him and, most importantly, who he is to me. It has been truly liberating.

My prayer is that all who come to this book searching for answers and personal change will find themselves in an ever-growing closer relationship with the Giver of All Answers. Prepare to see yourself differently. Prepare to meet the stranger in the mirror, perhaps for the first time. Prepare to hate what you see and to love what you see. Prepare to be challenged and possibly even a little frustrated along the way, but nonetheless better for it. Most importantly, prepare to encounter the God who loves that person in the mirror more than you ever thought possible. Prepare your heart to finally put aside that old man you thought you were and become the person God sees in you, loved and lovely.

Rodney Peavy

1

The Man in the Mirror

I have never met a man who has given me as much trouble as myself.

—Dwight L. Moody

Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin.

—Romans 6:6 (KJV)

What a loser!

That was my thought as I stood in front of the mirror staring into my own disenchanted face. I am a loser. A hypocrite. A complete and perpetual disappointment. At best, I am a jerk. I can't give you a date when this mirrored revelation occurred. I can't because it has happened more than once and, admittedly, not all at once. In fact, it happens quite often, usually following a spiritual failure of some sort. I say I'll never do it again. I vow to do better. I make promises to God and myself to never repeat the same stupid mistake. I even expend great amounts of energy to avoid the private slip ups that have so convicted my heart. Then it happens.

Bam!

I find myself once more standing in front of the mirror asking Again? What a loser…

You may be questioning your decision to read this book as you read this confession. Who is this person, this loser that I am reading? Well, he is a person in good company. Let's be honest. Haven't we all found ourselves in front of that mirror and asking, Again?? Haven't we all found ourselves repeating the same old mistakes after making a genuine vow to never return to them? Haven't we all been rocked by the revelation that despite all our best intentions, we are still prone to sin? Some sins more than others. If my old man is crucified, why do I keep running into him so often?

If we are not careful, it can become a lifelong cycle of self-contempt. Sin. Conviction. Repentance. Promise to do better. Repeat. Sin. Conviction. Repentance. Promise. Repeat. If it happens often enough, the broken promises and pledges we make to God can become such a source of shame and self-hatred that we no longer find ourselves convicted or repenting. We give up on ourselves, and ultimately, we give up on God. Our hearts become hardened, and we find ourselves stuck in this cycle of making the same old mistakes. Could it be perhaps due to a misunderstanding of our own nature and our role in overcoming the sins which so heavily beset us? Or am I truly beyond the grace of God?

What is the same old mistake to which I am personally referring? Well, sorry, but that is for me to know and for you to never find out. It is my business. I have mine. You have yours. I won't ask you if you promise that you won't ask me. We all have our personal demons with which we struggle. It wasn't until recently that I fully appreciated the significance of this struggle within myself. It was in one of these man-in-the-mirror moments that I realized just how ugly the old man within me really could be.

While I've never considered myself to be perfect, I have thought of myself as a fairly good person. After all, I don't curse. I don't use drugs or drink alcohol. I am a faithful husband, father, and friend. I even go out of my way to not hurt others. In fact, I have even gone so far as to dedicate my life to serving God and helping others through vocational ministry. I am a pastor.

(Okay, now imagine me somewhat conceitedly patting myself on the back… Thanks.)

So if all this is true, if I am such a good person, why can't I stop doing certain things I don't want to do? Why can't I stop having such un-Christian thoughts? Why do I still struggle with pride? Why do I still struggle with selfishness? Why can't I stop repeating the same old mistakes? What kind of person am I really?

Well, despite all the good of which I may be capable, if I am going to be honest, I must admit that at my very best, I am equally capable of some of the cruelest, most despicable behavior one can imagine. Even if only in my mind and heart, I have still cheated, lied, blasphemed, stolen, committed adultery, and even murdered. I am selfish, prideful, dirty-minded, arrogant, and devious. Of this and much more, I am guilty. Guilty as sin.

What? Who is this? Who am I reading? A murderer? A cheat? An adulterer? A liar? Well…yes! In the hidden caverns of my heart, I have murdered those who oppose me. In the unseen parts of my inner man, I have cheated those whom I love. Though my outward man appears to stand tall and mostly unblemished to the outside world, inside I stumble and fall daily. In there, where others can't see, I find myself doing and thinking things that do more than just make me blush—they make me sick. Yet there it is. That is the ugly truth of my hidden existence.

It has taken me decades to fully grasp the reality of my inner struggle. Growing up in a society that promotes the relative virtue of mankind and his endeavors; the depravity of mankind, specifically my own depravity, has taken some time to truly understand and appreciate. The irony of this middle-aged epiphany is that the accepting of my own fallacy has not led to a life of discouragement and hopelessness as one might expect. In fact, it has had just the opposite effect. Coming to terms with my weaknesses has actually broken me free from the cycle of self-hatred that led me to my original loser in the mirror moment. It is a freedom that every child of God is meant to carry. It is the paradox of grace.

Here is a life-changing truth. Take it and hold on to it. Get a life-altering super determined spiritual vice grip hold on this truth. Here it is. God's love for me has absolutely nothing to do with my performance!

So if you are feeling like a loser yourself in regard to your spiritual condition, hidden or otherwise, then I have some good news for you. Like I've already said, you are in good company. This time, I am not talking about myself. I am referring to a different loser. In fact, this person didn't refer to himself as a loser. He called himself a wretch! More specifically, a wretched man.

A wretch or wretched. It's all the same. The word itself in the modern English paints a pretty vivid picture of how this otherwise spiritual giant viewed himself. It is an image of revulsion, personal disgust, and misery. Yet to most, this person would probably be considered the spiritual superior to almost everyone that is living or has ever lived, short of Jesus himself. I, of course, am referring to the Apostle Paul, pastor to the early church, author of the majority of the New Testament, author of the great love chapter of 1 Corinthians 13 and author of Romans, often called the gospel of grace. He is considered the first missionary to the gentiles, a man who stood before kings proclaiming the gospel, a man who would endure beatings, shipwrecks, and snakebites with joy as an inevitable part of his high calling and a man that would ultimately give his life for the sake of his faith. And oh yeah, a man that was to himself a wretch…

What would cause such a man to refer to himself as a wretched man?

While we do not know specifics of the occasion, we do have the benefit of his shared insight. Paul had his own man-in-the-mirror moment. It is recorded for us in Romans 7. While the whole chapter addresses his inner condition, his personal angst really surfaces in verse 15 and reaches a climax in verse 24.

For I do not understand what I am doing, because I do not practice what I want to do, but I do what I hate.

And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree with the law that it is good.

So now I am no longer the one doing it, but it is sin living in me.

For I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh. For the desire to do what is good is with me, but there is no ability