Don't Do It Carol

By Nikki Di Iorio

In all that life has thrown her way, love, grief and heartache have only made her stronger. Follow the journey of one Strong Solo Woman who moved on with grace driven by the love of her child. There is no man hating here, oh no. Carol wouldn't allow that, she has better things to do than to be bitter.

Being a Strong Woman is not about hid

• Language: English
• Publisher: Nicole Di Iorio
• Release date: May 10, 2021
• ISBN: 9780645151350

Book preview

PART ONE

SINGLE MUMS

One

SINGLE MUMS

This is a serious question I put to you. Can you tell me what it is with mums saying, ‘I am a single mum?’

...what it is with mums saying, ‘I am a single mum?’

No, really. Why is this a term so commonly used by mums who were married, engaged or partnered and have a child, and are now no longer in a relationship? I was married and I have a child and when I introduced myself in the past, I never said to people, ‘Hi, I am a married mum.’

This is how I introduce myself: ‘Hi, I’m Nikki. This is my son.’ See how I didn’t add anywhere that I was 1) married 2) single or 3) looking for a partner? Why? Because it’s not even close to being remotely relevant when doing introductions. When you introduce yourself as a single mum, you can open yourself to being treated differently from the get go. I’m not saying never tell anyone you’re single. I’m saying establish your identity as a Strong Woman, which is not connected to the single mum stereotype.

Since entering what I call this new chapter of my life, I have heard so many women refer to themselves as single mums. I have heard it used as almost a ‘feel sorry for me’ phrase, because they are single mums. What about mums that are in relationships or married and may be struggling? Why do they not introduce themselves as, ‘Hi, I’m Carol, I’m in the process of going solo’ or ‘Hi, I’m Carol - here are my bank statements’. No one says that because it’s plain silly, that’s why. Unless you’re hitting up that known single dad in the playground, why are you, Carol, introducing yourself as a single mum?

I’ve heard it at the grocery store, at work, and on the radio when someone calls in to win a prize. For example, Carol won a new car. But before they’ve said that, you’ll know Carol is a single mum. I’ve even heard it on TV shows where someone is talking about another woman in their life, and they always add at the end of the story that the woman they speak of is a single mum. What’s up with that?

I honestly struggle to understand why other women find it necessary to continually share this. Since entering this new chapter in my life, I have found that there’s an evident stigma surrounding single mums. It’s presumed that we are struggling, living it tough, barely making ends meet, and that in saying ‘I am a single mum’, some wave of pity is expected to appear. What about the mother whose husband passed away, and who is now on one income? Or the married couple whose husband or wife lost their job and who are also now on one income? Why do they not seem to tell the whole world that they are living on one income? It’s time for all women to stop using this cliché. You are not a single mum, Carol. You are a mum!

Yes, Carol, you might be struggling, but so are more than half of the other mums you speak to. I repeat: you are not a single mum, Carol. You are a mum.

Two

WHO IS CAROL?

Let me introduce you to Carol. Carol is a mum, full stop. Carol isn’t just a mum, though. She is a Strong Mum. She has entered this new chapter in her life with herself and her children and is navigating her way into what seems like a whole new world, maybe even a whole new planet. Whenever Carol thinks about something that she probably shouldn’t do or say, she says to herself: DON’T DO IT, CAROL. This helps her take a step back, laugh it off and continue being a Strong Woman. Carol doesn’t take herself too seriously, but she has a good head on her shoulders and is a wonderful mum. Carol makes mistakes, she sure does. Some of these are small and some pretty major, but Carol gets back-up no matter what.

Whenever you think that maybe you need to take a step back or pause and think, just tell yourself… DON’T DO IT, CAROL, then randomly laugh really hard out loud wherever you may be. Seriously, do it.

Actually… maybe don’t do it.

Mums everywhere are doing all that they can to provide for their children. They work, clean, cook, dress up as superheroes, and they squeeze in time to exercise for health and fitness - or for pure sanity and alone time so they can just be. Of course, I am not discrediting men who take on this role, but in this context, I am talking about us Women. I am talking about the stigma and the view that is imposed on Women in this new chapter of their life; or rather, let’s face the truth that this stigma has been created by the Women themselves, in this new chapter of their life.

So let me introduce myself. My name is Nikki and I am mum to my gorgeous son. Am I biased in saying that? Well, of course not. He is gorgeous, adorable, funny, loving, cute, cheeky and smart all at once, so no bias here. He is my first thought in all the decisions I make, and while he thinks I am his superhero, the truth is he is the one that saves me and has given me a love greater than I ever thought possible. He is my superhero.

I wrote this book so that you can have an extra inner voice on how to get through your separation, and what you Don’t Do, Carol, when you feel like you’re in the wars with the ex. I write it as someone who has lived and breathed it. I hope this book will help you to rise above it and most importantly, show you how to move forward. Get ready for some home truths and honest advice.

Three

ABOUT ME

The moment my life was forever changed,

and why mums are so important

Mums are our greatest supporters. They are the ones that are there for you when you fall and the ones that celebrate all your victories in life. I know my mum was my greatest supporter. Everything that I learned in my life, I owe to my mother. Mum was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) when she was fifty-four. It started out with a sore knee that we thought was due to a fall at work, but after surgery on the cartilage in her knee things didn’t get better. Mum always said she wasn’t in pain but she walked with a limp that never seemed to go away. After many tests and scans it was confirmed that she had MS.

Mum thought long and hard about how to tell us the diagnosis. She had us all over for dinner and broke the news, armed with information for us to read. She kept her secret for nearly six months in fear of hurting us, but it didn’t matter because we instantly cried when she told us the news. Mum never wanted any sympathy or for anyone to look at her or treat her any differently. As a result, Mum didn’t tell her family, including her own mother, for nearly two years after her diagnosis. Looking back now, I wish that would be the worst news Mum would ever receive. We were at her house for our regular family gathering when Mum broke down and admitted her greatest fear: that the MS would rob her of the chance to hold her future grandchildren. I wasn’t even married at the time, or near having children, but like a true future Nonna (grandmother) this was her greatest fear.

The treatment for her MS involved injections three times a week, which caused Mum great anxiety and a whole array of bruises all around her stomach and legs. But she was strong and she did what she had to, in the hope that the injections would slow the MS down. Except for the exercises. Mum hated exercising, so no MS was going to make her do it. The MS was in the right side of her body and it affected how high she could lift her leg. But she kept on working. I was always in admiration as I watched Mum get in the car to leave for work. She’d first get in on her good side (left) then lift her bad leg up and into the car. The eyesight in her right eye got worse, so she wore stronger glasses. Her right arm got weaker, so she wore a crop top bra that she could step into and pull up. And she kept working. No matter what challenge MS gave Mum, she found a way to make it work or she worked around it. She showed me how powerful determination can be, even when faced with dire circumstances.

That’s when life, as we knew it, was turned upside-down.

Mum’s neurologist would send her to hospital once a year to get a boost of steroids which would help with her mobility for a short period. During one of these hospital stays for the steroids, she found a lump near her collar bone. When you felt it, it felt like a tiny, hard pea. She showed us and we said, ‘Well, you’re in hospital so you might as well get them to check it while you’re here.’

That’s when life, as we knew it, was turned upside-down.

It was cancer. Melanoma.

I know this may sound ignorant. Of course I’d heard about cancer, I just didn’t hear about it in my family. And now we were talking about my mum. I’ll never forget - I did the worst thing. I went on to Google.

No matter what I read, I knew that if Mum was here for five more years then she would be lucky. I wished I had never googled. This lump triggered numerous surgeries to remove her lymph nodes, and scans to monitor where it had spread. Mum started taking a whole list of tablets and started feeling generally unwell. And yet she still continued to work. I went to visit Mum at a café where she was working, and on her lunch break she showed me a sort of pimple on the top of her head. We agreed she should get it looked at. In the space of 10 days the little pimple grew into a lump and Mum was sent straight away for invasive surgery. The surgeon removed enough to leave a large hole at the top of her head, and all the lymph nodes down the side of her neck. Mum had beautiful hair and she took so much pride in her appearance, especially her hair. The physical hole in her head where the hair would never grow back nearly broke her.

So what did she do?

She worked out a hairstyle. She was blessed with thick hair and had it styled so that it would cover the hole, and she continued to work. In this round of surgery, some of the nerves in her neck had been damaged, so she went to a physio for help with movement. Shortly before my wedding, in one of the physio treatments, they did heat therapy. But due to the damaged nerves in her neck, she couldn’t feel the heat. When Mum alerted the physio to the smell of burning flesh, the damage had been done and she suffered third-degree burns all down the side of her neck.

Mum was in a toxic relationship with a man who wanted to control her and alienate her from