Death Department

By Jerzy Tolyszew

In the world of a slick cyber-punk future mixed with fantasy and budget cuts, where angels share the offices with undead, powerful witches rule the corporations, legendary mercenaries turned killing machines roam the streets, death is no longer something special, and travel to the moon takes less time and effort than having decent funerals, a new hero emerges - an amnesiac nameless girl with no past but sharp reflexes and an unclear but 100% sinister prophecy.      

Evil mega-corporation and its army of corporate agents are after her. She owes money to the hospital for the treatment she never received and has no private life, insurance, or retirement plan, all while every day has to put her neck on the line to save City 0. Be it the risk of global pandemics, pacifying feral ninja hamsters and karate-chopping lizards, or decreasing the growing suicide rate among gangs of cyber-enhanced teenagers - she and her team are there to take care of it. Because Death Department has no weekends nor sick leaves. Even if their manager says otherwise…

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jerzy Tolyszew
• Release date: Mar 27, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223809289

Jerzy Tolyszew

Hi, I am Jerzy and I write. I became a professional wannabe writer so I could show the rocky road of pursuing my passion for writing without sugarcoating it. I write in the genre of parody, satire, and everything in between, as long as it has rusty cyberpunk, primitive sci-fi, and lazy fantasy mixed with shards of gritty realism. I also spice it up with an unhealthy amount of dark humor, obscure references, and at least one explicit sex scene per novel. I love what I'm doing. It's not obligatory, but it really helps.

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE

Monday

THE MOST SIGNIFICANT advantage of being dead - you couldn’t feel pain, and you didn’t care. Well, I could. That meant I wasn’t finished. At least not yet.

When you wake up on the hospital bed without a single piece of memory and the worst hangover possible, you can bet your ass the party went just right. Only I didn’t remember having a party. And I didn’t have a hangover. But I did lose my memory.

When I opened my eyes, I discovered I was surrounded by medical personnel. Every one of them was looking at me with the most sincere curiosity. The fact that I opened my eyes made them ecstatic. Without further ado, they asked me a billion questions like Do you know your name? or Do you remember what happened before your coma?. And I was like, No? Coma?. And basically, that’s when they understood I was pretty much lost.

To my surprise, the moment they confirmed that, they had lost interest in me, gave some painkillers for my head, a copy of the summary of my condition, and promised that my personal social worker machine would be dispatched to be my helping hand in those dark times. After that, I was left alone with a report and a vague promise of some help.

When I recovered from the initial shock and decided to read the report, at least I could read and understand what was written there, I concluded it wasn’t really this full of information. All it said was that no one knew my name, my age, where I came from, or any close relatives. What they did know was that I had a confirmed case of traumatic amnesia, and I had been found on the outskirts of the city.

While I tried to understand what a confirmed case of traumatic amnesia meant, my social worker machine appeared. It was a rather dreadful piece of robotic technology that looked like an old TV on wheels - all chrome and plastic. And it couldn’t shut up. It spoke with this ear-drilling artificially generated robotic voice without pauses or intonation whatsoever. This noise alone didn’t help with my head for sure.

We are glad to inform you, The Nameless Patient #782934, that you are eligible for free accommodation and governmental employment until your medical bills will not be covered. According to our databases, you were classified as a young, healthy female. Virgin. Capable of procreation and enduring a job with a high amount of life risk and stress. Your blood pressure is within the norm, and your traumatic amnesia does not interfere with becoming a useful member of our society. Hurray.

The worst part of it - I couldn’t understand the majority of the stuff this thing was saying. I mean, I got a general idea but had certain difficulties with comprehending its word choice. Maybe I would understand more if this damn thing on wheels would shut up for a damn second and let me think.

I got discharged from the hospital within the next 30 minutes. Even though I could barely stand, my social helping machine came to an astonishing conclusion that I was in perfect physical shape, which meant - I should go to work. Well, not to work, but get accommodated first. Anyhoo, I felt like a complete piece of garbage and had to move somewhere against my will while this chatterbox on the wheels wouldn’t shut up.

The road to my accommodation place was a literal nightmare. Not only did I have to walk out of the hospital alone, but I also had to go through public transportation to get to the destination. All while wearing a patient gown with a massive cut-out from behind. I’ll have you know I got from the hospital to the accommodation place, and I only blacked out three times, all while my robotic companion still found magnificent topics to tell me about. Also, I got a compliment on the nice butt from at least two elderly ladies, one creepy dude in a leather jacket, and one guy who looked like he shouldn’t be allowed to be around schools or kindergartens. Excellent, you still got it, the Nameless Patient Whatever Your Number Is.

The moment I saw this triangular-shaped glass object with no windows going up-up in the skies that was supposed to be my accommodation place - I felt like blacking out again. Not because it was that ugly but because I wasn’t in the right shape to appreciate all the creative thought behind this architectural phenomenon.

I got inside the… accommodation place and entered the elevator. Experienced at least 5Gs of force while going up and had my lights turned off in the elevator. Heard another exciting fact about why losing consciousness in the elevators was considered a bad tone and that I should be ashamed of myself. I walked out of the elevator aaaaand almost blacked out again because I felt like garbage. I wasn’t sure it was healthy to lose consciousness this much, but my body didn’t ask my permission. In fact - no one asked my permission.

All this to finally get in front of the doors to the flat of my future accommodator. My electronic companion suddenly decided to shut up when I pressed the door buzzer. While I tried to comprehend what had just happened and why it was so quiet, all of a sudden, somebody abruptly opened the door.

Oi, press it some more, and I’ll break ya bloody mitts!

This is the place you're going to live in, and this is your co-worker/roommate Judy MacPar, declared my social worker machine with a sudden outburst of joyfulness.

I looked at it, then at the person who opened the door. It was a tall young woman in the oversized rainbow-colored t-shirt with a giant happy unicorn that said Hold the Fuck Up (I’m the Fuck Up)/(Hold Me). Perhaps she was even pretty if she wouldn’t look furious, sleepy, and with bloodshot eyes. She looked at me for some more, apparently understanding that I wasn’t in shape to make good decisions, and instead of shouting just took me by the finger and moved it away from the buzzer.

Let’s leave it that way, lass, she said.

This is the place you're going to live in, and this is your co-worker/roommate Judy MacPar, repeated with the same jolly intonation my social worker machine.

She looked at me again. Finally, some resemblance to the smile appeared on her face. Oi, nice to meet you, lass, sorry for the rough greeting, as this screw bucket already said name's Judy, what's yours?

I don't know.

She shrugged. Pretty strange name, but whatever, nice to meet you Idontknow.

No-no, I don't know what my name is.

Oh... tough Monday, ain't it? she winked at me. I got ya!

I suppose...

Before I formulated a proper response, the talk box on the wheels proceeded with the script. The Nameless Patient #782934 woke up with a case of severe amnesia and is eligible for free accommodation and governmental employment till she will not cover her medical bills.

Now Judy looked at me with something that resembled pity. Wow… that's balls... alright, I've got it, the lass is under my observation now as I was informed in the official paper I didn’t read, so scram before I start disassembling you for a scrap.

To my surprise machine got it and started rapidly disappearing down the corridor. Understood, have a nice day.

Yeah-yeah, fuck off already. Bloody machines... just cannot shut them up. Can you believe it? And my ma told me I'm the biggest chatterbox in the world! Thank god she's long dead otherwise, she would prefer to die! she made sure this abomination disappeared behind the corner and waved. Come on in, don’t just stand at the bloody door.

Thank you... I couldn't understand a single word this thing told me.

Judy sighed and smiled at me again, this time with a much friendlier smile. Now I could say she was even beautiful. Oi, lass, you wouldn't believe but me neither when I first got here... well, I was high as fuck, right after getting Lucy and mainly heard the sound of my blood moving through my veins… aaaand I don’t think this is the information you need to know right now.

I presume… who is Lucy?

Oh, thank god you don’t know… well, all I can tell - she wasn’t a micro-dose! Judy giggled, satisfied with her joke. Ah, forget about it, looks like we're in the same boat now. Worry not, don't scratch your bonce too hard, I'll explain everything later. Now quick detour - this is the room we're living in. Not a lot, but it is something - that provides a place to eat, to sleep, and... well... excuse my French... take care of your hygienic needs. There is our bunk, I called dibs on the top.

Dibs? it’s either I was drained, or I didn’t understand the majority of things she just said.

Wow, got your head messed up hard, ain’t ya?

Yeah… woke up with a confirmed case of traumatic amnesia.

Ain’t you one little hellraiser? she whistled. Dibs is like I reserved it... Because, well, I still prefer to be high… if you know what I mean, birdie.

Not at all.

Well, at least that was pretty honest. And by the way, there's not much to see here anymore. So…

So?

Get yourself comfortable, birdie, and I will finish the dream, she smiled and went to bed.

To my surprise, she didn’t even use the ladder, just pulled herself onto the bed, fleshed with rather delicate bright green panties, got comfortable, and within a minute or two, started snoring. Now that was the person with priorities set right - I could share those priorities.

On the other hand, I stood in the middle of the room for some time. Looked around. Yep, the flat was tiny. I would even dare to say it was not a flat but a glorified closet with a separate toilet and shower. At least that was something, right?

I went to the little kitchen, opened the faucet, and started drinking straight from under it. After I got rid of my thirst and got some initial satisfaction with my basic needs, I just turned around and fell on the bed. Smashed my head in the process of falling into the upper beam and finally laid down on the somewhat acceptable mattress.

This journey took its toll. The moment my head touched the pillow, I fell into complete darkness.

I didn’t know how long I slept, but I knew for sure that it was morning when I closed my eyes. When I opened them, it still was morning. Either I slept only for a few minutes or 24 hours straight.

You’ve got a nice set of hunkers there, lass! Judy was already in my face.

Wh… what? I still struggled to open up my eyes.

Arse, you got a nice arse, she rolled her eyes.

Oh… thank you… you too…

She laughed and slapped me on the butt. We’re going to get really well! Listen, even though I can appreciate nice bahoochie, I think walking around streets like that isn’t the best idea, aye? Lots of creeps around lately.

I tried to cover my ass and turn on the bed without showing off what else I’d got. She got the point. I couldn’t walk around like that around the streets. I didn’t know my background, but my common sense told me this was a recipe for disaster.

I got nothing to wear.

She giggled. Me too, however, after looking at my face sighed. Don’t sweat it. Hospital sent your belongings here.

I had something? well, yeah, obviously, they had to find me in something.

Yep, everything right there, she pointed at the box near the door. I must say you know how to dress.

Eh?

Instead of answering, she got out a rugged black windbreaker - it was something I clearly remembered to the last stitch. It was mine. The second I saw it, I felt dizzy as if got punched in the head - seeing this windbreaker felt kind of surreal.

Wow, are you alright, lass? Judy pulled me out of my trance.

Yeah… yeah… I swallowed a lump and licked dry lips.

Are you sure? It looks like you saw Margaret Thatcher.

Who? I looked at Judy.

I don’t know, just a thing my ma used to say.

Yeah, I’m alright, just… tried to remember where I’ve got this one…

Come on, dress up. We’re late, Judy nodded and threw a windbreaker at me. The rest is in the box. Treat yourself.

I locked myself in the small bathroom and dressed up. Well, at least I had something to wear. The clothes were old and roughed up but more or less intact. The black windbreaker had dried dirt and was scratched big deal - those guys in hospitals didn’t even bother to clean it. The yellow t-shirt was alright, yet still had several holes here and there - nothing critical. I can’t say the same thing about jeans, but I felt holes on the knees were part of some stylish solution. My clothes had seen the world. Hmm, what kind of life I had? Definitely not the most prosperous since whatever they found me in was cheap.

Judy smashed into the door. Oi, don’t want to be this gal, but let's go! We need to get to the office before Raz throws a wobbly!

I walked out of the bathroom. Raz?

Judy winked at me. Yeah, he's the gaffer...

Sometimes I felt like we spoke two completely different languages. She saw my face and hurried to explain herself.

I mean, like, the head of the department, god damn it, birdie, you make me speak proper English again, just like my ma wanted... Judy sighed, she looked defeated.

Our office was inside the super huge governmental building right in the city center. At least, that’s what Judy told me. The building itself was horrible. I didn’t have much time to look around since Judy was a fast walker, and I was focused on not losing her, but I could swear that this building was the worst in the city. It was huge, it was monumental, it was distasteful, and it looked like a giant brick someone forgot in between modern buildings - no sense of beauty or style whatsoever. The red plate on the wall said Government Building N12.

The office wasn't something fancy or big either; it was a small room in the basement. It was encumbered with tons of paper here and there, paper cups, and beer bottles. The heavy stench of cheap cigarettes was punching you in the face as soon as you crossed the door. By the way, Judy wasn't the quiet type, as she graciously opened the door with a powerful kick good enough to break the said thing.

Oi, lads, I've brought fresh blood! she shouted and made me the center of the discussion.

Something tall and menacing moved from the corner. At first, I didn’t even get what it was till the figure got under the light of the one and only bulb in the room. Well, as I already said - it was a tall and menacing figure in a robe. Didn’t look friendly at all. Right till the moment, I’ve heard probably the calmest, deep, and most pleasant voice in my life. And, thanks to my amnesia, I heard not many of them recently.

First of all, stop kicking the door. One day you will break it, and I will have to deduct its repair cost from your salary, and we both know it’s not that high. Secondly, you're late again.

Judy marched to the table. Cool off, Raz, I've made a detour for my new gal!

The figure didn’t budge. And yesterday, you were preparing your place to accommodate her… which took you all day.

Indeed, you have a pretty good memory for someone who couldn’t remember not to fuck around with battle mages and angry necromancers.

The figure completely ignored what Judy said and stared at me. Well, at least I presume he was staring at me because, under the hood, there was nothing - no eyes, no face, no mouth. Nothing. Just the darkest emptiness one could ever see. Since I felt kind of uncanny, I believe this wasn’t something I saw on a regular basis before.

Meanwhile, the figure made a short motion that resembled a bow. I am Raziel, the head of the Death Department, and you...

I... don't have a name.

Judy hurried to fill the conversational vacuum. She’s got a confirmed case of traumatic amnesia, lass is completely lost... doesn't understand some words... or all of them, I don't really know.

As if any sane person can understand this giant fuck up of a language you're speaking. If language was a human being, you would end up in jail for rape, and now I’ve noticed another figure sitting in the other corner. At first glance, it may seem that it was just a mountain of old dirty clothes on the chair, but after hearing this low screechy voice, apparently, it was a man.

Judy didn’t wait long to start introducing us. And this is our top performer… it may look like he's doing something, but he's the most useless creature here, lass. I would even dare to say that mold over there does a much better job than this muppet.

Yep, it was a man in some old ragged leather duster coat with the same kind of leather cowboy hat on top of his head and a cigarette in his mouth. Apparently, he was the source of this terrible cigarette stench… and probably all the other horrible things you could smell here.

What can I say - I have a talent. Money for nothing and chicks for free, the figure nodded.

Oi, knock it off, as if any chick is going to shag your end-piece, you wanker!

He didn’t respond, just made a rough, barking laugh creepy enough to make me want to lose my memory again. When I got a better look at him, it turned out that his voice matched his looks 100%. The man looked terrible, he had those uncanny glowing in the darkness red eyes and a creepy, unsettling shit-eating grin.

Raziel sighed and tried to ignore it. I knew you would join our team, but I wasn’t aware of your... peculiar health condition.

Those fucks in HR department always conveniently forget about negative sides of the candidates... like do you remember the last fucking guy? He was a fucking braindead imbecile, and now, to top their game, HR sends us a girl with amnesia! What’s next? Maybe send us dead body at once to save some time? No offense there, baby.

None is taken, I answered, yet, some offense was taken that day. Some was taken.

Ignore him. He’s a good lad with a troubled past, Judy waved him off.

The figure in coat laughed again. Yeah, if that’s how you characterize an undead gunslinger with a history of excessive violence and bad taste in women. Name’s Ash, by the way, and you have trouble with the name?

Got it, and it looks like I have trouble not just with my name but my past.

Raziel shrugged. As all of us here. And don’t listen to Ash. We’re glad to have you here.

Well... at least you're sure about your past, I answered.

Judy chuckled. Oi, consider the fact that you ended up with amnesia as one - this helps a lot in the long run.

Yeah, especially after the last guy didn’t do so well, Ash mumbled under his breath. This one got my attention.

Judy looked at me, saw my face, then looked at Ash, put on a guilty smile, and tried to soften the edges. Oi! The man just can't keep his gob shut!

What about the last guy? I really didn’t like this phrase and wasn’t going to ignore it.

All three looked at each other. Finally, Raziel sighed.

I presume you wouldn't want to know about this.

This, however, didn’t make any impression on Ash, who smiled with another shit-eating grin. Yeah-yeah, lie to the poor girl some more, not a surprise they've kicked you out from Heaven for good...

What happened to the last guy? Alright, now they held my attention by the throat.

Raziel still tried to talk his way out of the question. Eh... some accident in the workplace could happen to anyone. Nothing to really be worried about, Child. Even though it didn’t sound this convincing.

Not when Ash was ready to refresh his memory. "Yeah, if being ripped apart by a rabid interdimensional ninja hamster with a gang of karate-chopping lizards could be called just a workplace accident."

Judy threw a stapler in Ash’s head, which he caught midair with ease (either this wasn’t the first object flying into his head or he wasn’t as lazy as he looked), and put it in the pocket of his coat.

Don't worry, lass, this was just a one-time thing.

Indeed, Raziel nodded, it was the first accident in our department in five years. That was nothing big or special...

He was interrupted mid-sentence by another set of barking laughs. We had to bury the guy in a closed lead casket, Raz. You made me wear hazmat to recover his body! If not this, then I don't know what else could be called big or special!

Raziel looked at me, and even though I didn’t see his face, I could tell he seemed somewhat guilty. As I've said, this was an accident, the lesson was learned, and the commission confirmed that this was nobody's fault. We sorted this one out. Case… was… closed.

Meanwhile, Judy still made her best to soften the edges. Thanks to Ash, it didn’t look very good, but at least she tried. Yes, birdie, don't let this get in your head... the little mate overestimated himself, tried to play hero, didn't know that hamster had rabies... and knew ninjutsu... and had a stack up in the form of four lizards... who also knew karate... and were armed to the teeth... and were high on bath salts... well to be fair I had this feeling that the dude was high himself, because who in their right mind will try to pacify a rabid ninja hamster backed up by two-meter combat lizards from the future with his bare hands.

How is this different from what I've just said? Ash asked.

Judy snapped back at him. It's in the tone of the voice and ability to have some basic human compassion! I'm not grinning when telling the story of how the poor bloke died, you heartless numb nut!

Her response provoked another laughter. Get the fuck out of here, lady! You've added like a billion new peculiar details about the guy's death. Maybe you should also tell her that one of the lizards ripped off the dude's arm and stuck it up his ass?!

For some time, they were fighting with stares. Both looked tense and ready for a confrontation getting physical, yet something gave out that it wasn’t a real fight. Finally, Judy giggled, and Ash cracked a smile. Both started laughing.

Alright... you got me. This one was actually a little bit funny, Judy agreed.

Yeah... unexpected turn of events. You never expect this level of perversity from high as hell, karate lizard.

To my surprise, Raziel wasn’t the one to appreciate such an approach. Suddenly he was already near them and shouted at the top of his lungs. ENOUGH OF YOU TWO! This poor lost soul came to us, yet all we gave her was nothing but a horror story! She lost her home, yet thanks to your petty quarrels, we're unable even to welcome her! She lost her way in life, yet you try to refuse her so much-needed quiet harbor! All I want you is to behave, yet you try to make us look like a bunch of primitive monsters who laugh at the death of one of our own! I am deeply ashamed of you two!

His voice was coming from everywhere and nowhere in particular, I think the lights in the office even blinked a few times and got dim while Raziel was saying all that. Yet his monologue, no matter how powerful and impressive it was, didn’t have this much impact on Ash, who started whistling some jolly melody. Judy, however, returned a guilty smile.

Listen... I don't really know any more places or people here, and you're the only friendly faces I saw since I woke up in the hospital… so I guess it doesn't really matter what happened to the guy, I decided to say at least something.

For the first time, Ash looked at me with something that resembled pity. Oh, you poor thing... you really suffered a head trauma if you really think that way.

As I've said, don't listen to him, Child, he's an old and crazy undead full of sarcasm and hatred toward everything he doesn’t understand, Razziel hurried to interfere.

Judy, who suddenly happened to stand by my side, hugged me by the shoulder. Yes, lass, don't take all this too seriously, we're happy to have you here.

Sure, it's not like there is a queue of those who want to work here, Ash grumbled.

But it was too late because Raziel also got closer to me, gently pushed Judy away, and took over me. Let me show you around.

Is there more to this room? now that caught me off guard.

Despite his lack of face, Raziel still managed to look somewhat confused. Well... no, but a little detour is still crucial for your understanding of our work here. Don’t let the innocence of this place fool you, Child! We are dealing with complex processes here that are crucial for the well-being of society and City 0!

So what's your... department does? I asked.

Oh, that's where the real magic begins! You see, we're the Death Department - which means we're usually taking care of all kinds of extravagant things in order to keep the city clean from the said extravagant things.

How extravagant exactly? I asked again.

Ash decided that he had kept silent for long enough. Just imagine that some guy got screwed up by an inter-dimensional ninja hamster and a bunch of karate lizards to the point of being buried in a led casket - this kind of extravagant.

Oi, don’t go back to the topic! Judy shouted.

That’s the best example! shrugged Ash.

I expected that Raziel would once again go with another lengthy monologue about hospitality, but instead, he agreed with Ash. To my surprise, indeed it is. As Ash said, there are situations that look nasty and have a certain threat to the general public, that’s where we come into play.

So, we’re like funeral service? I think I started seeing patterns.

To a point, like a funeral service to imbeciles, Ash grinned.

Oi, what happened, Ash?

What? Ash looked confused by her remark.

You’re making too much sense… almost as if you’ve been actually working here and not been washing a gimp for years, Judy gave a wide all-tooth smile.

Washing a gimp? I asked.

You really don’t want to know, birdie, to my surprise, Judy blushed. Now I really got interested in what it meant if even Judy saw it as somewhat inappropriate.

Before the situation got out of hand again, Raziel stepped forward, took some air in, and went with another lengthy speech. What I’ve tried to tell before you two started, as usual, this verbal gymnastics, is that, in general, we’re protecting City 0 from epidemics, viruses, and other dangerous things that could start a global pandemics. Our job is to identify such cases and make sure we take care of them before something bad happens.

And how often something bad happens? I asked too many questions but couldn’t help.

Ash was all smiles. He got bored sitting at his place and decided to walk around. More often than you would like to.

Judy nodded. Yet not very often to make the work hard… or terrible… or really dangerous.

We've got weekends, paid leave, and healthcare plan for governmental employees. In fact, we got a top-notch work-life balance, summarized Raziel.

All three were standing in front of me as if they had just finished with a program of sorts and expected applause or at least some kind of gesture confirming their efforts.

If I had some kind of life, this would be a total selling point, I pushed a smile.

To my surprise, my response was suddenly appreciated by Ash. I already like the girl, she has the right set of mind.

It is decided then! Child, welcome to the Death Department! Raziel made a wide wave with his hand.

It should've looked like some kind of friendly gesture. Still, considering the overall crappy office, the team of freaks, and probably a really hazardous work environment, it looked like an introduction to my personal hell. Just for a second, I wondered, what if I died and this was nothing but my personal hell? I tried to pinch myself, and to my surprise, I felt the pain pretty clearly. It looked like I was still alive…

CHAPTER TWO

First Job

WEEKS PASSED BY. This seems like a really boring phrase to describe a really boring time. Well, this was a complete truth. Those weeks were boring as hell. Okay, maybe the first week was full of impressions as I still tried to understand where I was and who surrounded me, but rather quickly, everything turned out to be as dull and bland as the phrase Weeks passed by.

It turned out that pretty much every working day happened by the same scenario - Judy woke up mid-night because she needed her pills from anxiety… which, in fact, were nothing but some kind of an experimental drug she used during her military service and it stuck after - yep, turned out that Judy was an ex-combat pilot of Royal Airforces (she claimed to be the best, yet I had my doubts). After taking her pills, she got an extreme energy punch and started doing her obligatory exercises. By the time the damn alarm even dared to ring, I was already awake and irritated since Judy pumped it. A few times, I even tried to confront her regarding pill abuse, but it all ended the same.

Are you sure you're not overusing this stuff? I asked.

Don't worry, when I was in the forces, this stuff was the only thing that kept me alive. It was like either you on proper pills, or you're fucked so hard you will never see the next day, Judy said, being focused on one-handed push-ups - it looked crazy considering her thin build.

What do you mean?

It was nothing but a race of drugs… who had the best pills controlled the skies! she finished push-ups, exhaled, and rolled on her back to start doing crunches.

Hm… sounds like those pills are really strong…

Nah, I'm stronger… those pills helped me during dog fights, helped me test the shit out of the planes, and now help me to deal with PTSD, you know, after the crash.

After the crash? What crash? now that was something new, even though Judy said that like no big deal.

It’s not that interesting, birdie. Long story short - I've managed to crash almost one billion credit experimental interdimensional combat jet, she stated, as a matter of fact.

What?! How this even happened?!

Eh... my reaction was too good for the freaking machine, I thought I’d already pulled it out, but apparently, the reaction time of the actual throttle was complete bollocks... Anyhoo, the guy who engineered this piece of crap got his part of the action, Judy finished with crunches and was sitting on the floor resting. Apparently, I was right, and he didn't use the best parts, but by the time it was confirmed, I was already kicked out from the forces with no means to come back.

That sounds tough… I felt sorry for her.

Oi, just another example of how governmental machine grinds through honest people, bird, don't take it too hard. This crap ruins my life, but nevertheless, I'm still standing, as if to prove her point, she jumped up with ease and wiped off the sweat, and looked at the smartwatch. One day I will get clean… but not today, today I'm high on pills from anxiety and did 100 push-ups in fifty-three seconds… I think my heartbeat is something around 400 beats per minute…

Whoa… is this even healthy?!

I don't know… still alive, she shrugged.

Judy, I'm afraid this is really-really bad. Did you try to go to professionals with your problem?

No, I don't have any money… and did you with yours?

No… for exactly the same reasons.

Yeah… that sucks, one day we should.

Definitely…

And that's how usually all my attempts to tell Judy that her pills addiction didn't look good ended. What could I say? I wasn't in the position to tell her how to live her life, I didn't even know how to live mine. Besides, she was right - even though I was new to this world, I had already found out the hard way that being poor was a horrible decision.

Then we went to the office, took something for a snack on the streets since none of us knew how the kitchen worked - I really didn’t know, and Judy didn’t care - and finally ended up in the office where Ash was waiting for us. To my surprise, while Ash seemed to be a strange and somewhat terrifying man in the beginning, it turned out that he was a pretty chill and laid-back dude. Well, when he wasn't spitting out concentrated hate, sexist, racist, or borderline stupid claims.

By the time we were sitting behind our tables, Ash had kept smoking the cheapest cigarettes he could find, drinking the cheapest beer and liqueur, even though I had some serious doubts that he got drunk and, in general, made the working place a complete mess. He was still somewhat of a mystery to me because all I knew about him was that he was some kind of an undead gunslinger from the Wild West… whatever it meant. Also, it looked like he was living here or was too lazy to go home and preferred just to sleep where he was working.

During the day, at some point, Judy and Ash got into some kind of a ritual verbal duel which mainly consisted of Ash saying some sexist, racist, or other plain dumb thing and Judy trying to get back at him. At first, it was fun to listen to, but after hearing it for several weeks, I was ready to kill myself - the variety of topics was limited, and by the end of the first week, it was clear that they weren’t planning to expand their material.

Anyway, this took place right till the moment Raziel appeared. And it wasn’t that he was late, in fact, thanks to Judy and her magic pills, we were the ones who were too early. Raziel was the one who was always dead on time - and I checked it with a stopwatch, his ability to appear precisely at 09:00:00 AM was uncanny.

Most of the time, Raziel was sitting behind his desk in complete silence and resembled some kind of a creepy shadow in the corner - the only sound he made was rare keyboard and mouse clicks when he went through emails and responded to some of them. Sometimes he got so irritated with Judy and Ash that he gave them an hour-long speech about team integrity and proceeded with some really outdated training on the old cassette player and how to communicate in the workplace.

Once, perhaps thanks to Ash, he played the wrong tape. There, some buffed guy came to apply for a job and a blonde bimbo - as Ash called them - in a business suit was willing to find out whether the guy was ready to do everything to get the job. Long story short - this was the first time I found out what porn was, understood Ash’s reference about the deep throat, and got my first hour-long speech from Raziel on why sex was a beautiful and magical act that shouldn’t be ruined by the vulgar depiction of premarital relations between a man and a woman. That was kind of fun. In other instances, he went for some kind of managerial meetings and left us alone.

In every other aspect, the job sucked worse than the deep throat (I think I used it right), and I had to use a lot of willpower just to stay awake. But boy, I was wrong when I thought this was all to it. To my surprise, one day, everything changed.

As usual, Raziel appeared out of nowhere and made me lose a few years of my life. Yet, this time I forgot how creepy he was since he said something different. Something I didn't hear since the first moment I got here.

Alright, listen up, team, we've got a job to do, he said, rubbing his hands - a gesture somewhat unexpected from him.

I looked around and instantly found out those words triggered both Ash and Judy to spread in creepy smiles.

Oi, at last! What's this time? Judy dropped everything she did (which was not much