That’s Not a Girl, That’s a Vampire

By Peter Englebright

That's Not a Girl, That's a Vampire is a novelette about a few transformative days in the life of a bisexual vampire.

Holly, sixty and feeling it, hangs out in sleazy nightclubs she despises so she can anonymously pick up men and women.  She renders them unconscious with drugs so she can secretly steal a pint of their blood without having to kill for it.

She is set up on a blind date that goes surprisingly well and decides she wants to have a proper relationship.  She attempts to find a new way to feed without having to work the nightclubs.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Firewood Books
• Release date: Aug 15, 2015
• ISBN: 9781516393411

Book preview

Part One

Why do vampires have to kill people to feast on their blood?

The answer is simple. They don’t. Only an idiot, or a psychopath, would go around the world indiscriminately murdering people. It’s a very good way to attract the wrong type of attention. Instead the smarter ones, or at least those capable of self-discipline, borrow a pint here and there. My own particular method of getting my food supply is to knock a man or woman unconscious using sleeping pills. Then I tap a vein with a syringe which I use as a straw to suck the blood into my mouth. No fangs necessary. I only take a pint. Enough food to last for three days before the hunger pangs start up again. As I insert the needle in out the way places, usually either under the armpit or between the toes, they are unlikely to spot the tell-tale puncture mark. Even if they do notice the hole days later, they’re not going to put two and two together and call the police on me. In the morning they might feel a little lightheaded when they wake up. Otherwise they are free of any lasting damage from my actions. A sugary snack and a paracetamol tablet are enough to get them feeling better. If I fudge the needle insertion I use my nails to scratch at the hole to hide it under a bigger wound.

Drinking the drug infected blood makes me feel a little sleepy, but it’s easy enough to fight off the effects and do my job. It’s a real fear that one day I’ll fall asleep and fail to get back up in time to clean away the evidence of my secret activities; or that the sun will be out and I’m trapped for the day in a stranger’s house.

In case anyone wakes up I have a revolver to protect myself. In my own home, in the basement, I keep a half-finished painting on a canvas. I’ve never had to use my ‘Blood Painting’ as I always slap them hard around the face to check they’re fully out of it before starting to eat. The thinking was that if they wake up in the middle of my activities I could pretend I’m an eccentric artist who uses blood as paint. I could then show them the half-finished work in progress painting in my basement. I would claim I did half of it using my own blood, but have since developed a phobia of needles. Hence why I was stealing their blood. I’m not sure how to explain why I was collecting the blood directly into my mouth and not into a receptacle, but you can’t have everything. I’d look like the ultimate weirdo but he or she wouldn’t be demented enough to accuse me of actual vampirism. Obviously I didn’t waste real blood on the painting. It was created using red paint with the consistency of clotted blood.

I picked my targets from the many bars and nightclubs. My opening line was always, ‘Do we know each other?’ It starts a conversation and it makes sure I’ve not fed on them before. Once you start double dipping it’s time to leave town.

I keep sleeping pills and needles on me so we don’t have to