My Naked Soul: Spilling My Guts

By Crystal Joy Browne Webb

Jesus, that Holy night You invited me in,
You knew how much anger I still harbored within.
Too deep-rooted to simply release
Far too long I’ve felt like an evil beast.

But something changed today.

My Naked Soul shares author Crystal Joy’s brutally honest and sometimes heart-wrenching poetic quest to make sense of her world. Inspired by her grandmother, Vinnie Collins, a Christian poet, she allows the spiritual forces behind her words to eventually scream of hope.

In these verses, Crystal presents the perspective of a spiritually hot and cold soul struggling with past trauma and bipolar disorder. She knows she isn’t perfect and sometimes wants to simply surrender to life’s journey, but her fight to live always wins—or, more accurately, her faith in Jesus wins the victories for her. Crystal describes her spiritual wrestling match among sin, faith, grace, suicide, hope, praise, and redemption. She kneels at her Savior’s feet for dear mercy and praises Him.

Through her pain and her triumphs, Crystal’s poetry shows one can never deny the work of Christ in her life. God is the only reason she is alive today.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jun 7, 2023
• ISBN: 9781973698944

Crystal Joy Browne Webb

Crystal Joy is a believer in Christ who reveals her deepest emotions through her poetry. She brings her struggles with bipolar disorder to life and speaks to groups from behind the microphone with raw honesty.

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Copyright © 2023 Crystal Joy Browne Webb.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

WestBow Press

A Division of Thomas Nelson & Zondervan

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.westbowpress.com

844-714-3454

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-9736-9895-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-9894-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023909576

WestBow Press rev. date: 5/31/2023

Thanks to:

Mother and father, Rhonda and Dave

Husband Danny

Sister Donna

Good friends Mike and Deb

As you read these words, look to Jesus…

You know the beautiful sunrays when they filter through the clouds and shine down to the earth in the distance? You can still see the clouds, but the beauty is in the sunlight. The gorgeous rays wouldn’t exist if there were no clouds. Yes, my friend, undergo the clouds. But focus on the sunrays…

And praise the God who made them.

Psalm 8:3-4

When I look at Your heavens, the work of Your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?

Contents

Chapter 1 Sizzlin’ Sampler: The Appetizer

Stuff ‘n’ Things: The Public Bathroom

My Anchor

Ain’t for Nothing

Destined

Dear Self: The Cards You’ve Been Dealt

The Gospel in a Nutshell

Here I Am

The Hypocrite’s Cry

Crimson Stains

When I Close my Eyes

Love Story

Grand Finale: The Take-Away

Chapter 2 My Scrambled Heart: Finding Hope Amongst the Hopelessness

Stuff ‘n’ Things: Examining Our Spirits

Hopefully Someday

God Understands

The Tears of my Soul

Keep Healing Me, Jesus

Hold On

Dear Self: No Pressure

Broken Within

Note to Self

Journey of Grief

Extra Close to Me

Haunted

Camouflaged Tears

One

The Band Marches On

Victorious Crimson

Baby Steps

Finding Beauty in the Brokenness

Lies

The Demons Within

Dear Self, You Have Hope

Leave Them to Die

Dear Self, What Do You Do?

Knees

When Free Isn’t Free

The Bottle

Was…

Joke’s on You

You Will Carry Me On

Chapter 3 Taboo Files & Dear Self Commentaries

Stuff ‘n’ Things: Examining Our Spirits

Instincts

Dear Self: You Have a Mission

Tomb

Dear Self: There’s Power in the Blood

Stricken

Dear Self: He Will Listen

Invasive Thoughts

Dear Self: Hold Out

Your Perfect Time

Dear Self: Don’t You Dare Surrender!

Chapter 4 The Good News: The Knocking Door

Stuff ‘n’ Things: Igniting the Fire

Third Day

Crimson Flood

You Did Whaaaaat??

It’s All You, Jesus!

Divine Trade

Dear Self: Kneel in Awe

Slaughter

My Refuge, My Rock

An Heir

Terrifying Cross

Dear Sef: You Only Have One Master

Chapter 5 The Element of Belief: His Unleashed Power

Stuff ‘n’ Things: Rickety Bridge

Question Is…

Beckon

The Kiln

The Proof that I am His

Wait Upon Me

Chapter 6 Raw Repentance: Answering the Door

Stuff ‘n’ Things: Car Accident

Hostage

Imprisoned

Relinquish

Burning Coals

Crushed

Travesty

All Along

Chapter 7 Embracing Grace: The Open Door

Stuff ‘n’ Things: I Didn’t Seem Savable

Living a Lie

Giving In?

On Humbled Knees

Anointed

Not as it Seems

Worn Around the Edges

Under No Other Authority

Deadly Reality

Divine Pardon

Just Be

Chapter 8 Genuine Praise: Admiring His Ways

Stuff ‘n’ Things: Big Daddy

I Bow Down to Your Name

Worthy is the Lamb!

Publicity Stunt

Incense

Could Not Ask for More!

You Alone

Upside Down

Rags to Royalty

Consumed

An Unraveling Mystery!

Totally Won Me Over!

Live Wire

Spectacular!

Tender Authority

The One Authentic Savior

Your Spotlight

Your Living Word

Through My Eyes

Dear Self: Give Him a Shout Out!

In My Heart

Let’s Get Real

Chapter 9 Dedications: The Personals

Stuff ‘n’ Things: The Big Decision

If You Really Felt My Love

And I Love You for That...

Spiritual Adoption

I’d Do Anything

Fritter

Chapter 10 Grand Finale: The Take-Away

All I’ll Ever Be

Chapter 1

Sizzlin’ Sampler

The Appetizer

This diverse Sizzlin’ Sampler is an opportunity

to whet your appetite for all chapter themes!

Chapter 1

Sizzlin’ Sampler: The Appetizer

Stuff ‘n’ Things

Psalm 116:1-2

NIV

                          I love the Lord,

                    for he heard my voice;

                                    He heard my cry for mercy.

Because He turned his ear to me,

                        I will call on him as long as I live.

Check This Out

Just picture this. You’re standing at a public bathroom sink, minding your own business. You hear a toilet flush from a stall behind you. No warning. Your friend comes flying over the top of the closed stall door. What do you think? Don’t ask me. Ask my friend who stood by the sink and watched me fly over the bathroom stall!

Long story short, it was my first encounter with the Almighty Automatic Toilet. Li’l ol’ innocent me was standing in the stall as the toilet unexpectedly flushed itself, scaring me up the wall! I know, I know… you had to be there.

My Guts

But what does this story have to do with these verses? No matter how absurd our petitions seem, God hears us. He longs to comfort us. So even today, as I sit on an automatic toilet and get weirded out, God hears my cry. Taking it a step further, as you read through these poems, you will see I depend on God greatly in every way. As I go through life’s occasional crises, I work through them by writing poetry. As I bare my soul, you will experience my sorrows, hopes, regrets, praises, encouragement, and passions…

Enjoy!

Crystal Joy

Sizzlin’ Sampler: Chapter 2

My Scrambled Heart: Finding Hope Amongst the Hopelessness

(Hopeless Segment)

My Anchor

        Empty inside,

                    Just a shriveled soul that already died.

No ray of hope, not even a slice,

        And my gas tank is running on fumes

In this thing called life.

        Take a hike, wise guy!

Excitement has arrived!

                                Unstoppable power! I’m bigger than life!

                        Uncontrolled energy?

                                        Is that what you’re telling me?!

                                Believe me, there’s nothing wrong,

                Sometimes I just feel as brave as, well…King Kong!

                                I thought over 20 years of bipolar disorder shipwrecked my life.

                        Looking back, it left me clinging to my Anchor, Jesus Christ.

                                        Sometimes the waves still crash on me from every direction,

But when I reflect on Jesus’s death and resurrection

                I know I can trust in His loving salvation.

                                Once again, now completely lost.

                        My life is uprooted, shaken up, and tossed.

                                Yes, Jesus, I do know You conquered death on the Cross,

                                But right now, it just feels like another inner holocaust.

                        So those times when I feel completely off,

                        May I remember Jesus, You bought my soul at