Your REAL Life: Get Authentic, Be Resilient & Make It Count

By Nathan Andres

Life is full of adversity and change. What enables us to endure events like 9/11 or record-breaking natural disasters? Overcome discrimination and loss? Or even simply recover from common daily inconveniences?

Nathan Andres has ridden life's roller-coaster and is often asked the secret to his resiliency. After years of research, education, practice, and reflection, he's not only found the answer, but turned it into a formula anyone can use.

Your REAL Life introduces the REAL model, a practical framework for coaching yourself through adversity of any scale. Using the anchors of Reality, Energy, Authenticity, and Love, Nathan breaks down the key ingredient to beating anything life throws at you: authentic resilience.

Grounded with psychology and basic neuroscience as well as best practices in the coaching field, Your Real Life teaches you everything you need to know to build authentic resilience. When you get REAL, you don't just bounce back from hardship—you bounce beyond it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: May 31, 2023
• ISBN: 9781544541235

Book preview

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Advance Praise

Nate Andres brings the concepts of resilience and authenticity to life with sound, practical advice that empowers the reader to make their sense of purpose an unlock for greater well-being.

—David P. Boynton, Chief Executive at the Body Shop International Ltd.

The REAL model framework has had an impact on me by bringing the words ‘authentic resilience’ to life. I am further inspired to share this language and these tools with my team as we continue to grow our business.

—Sarah Smith, Chief Vision Officer & Co-founder at the Dyrt

Navigating the bumps of life is never easy but learning the tools that help us become more resilient, true to ourselves, and connected to our purpose—and making meaning in our lives—is necessary. Nathan Andres shares how.

—Todd Corley, Senior Vice President of Inclusion, Sustainability, and Community at Carhartt

This book is transformational and will have a positive impact on many people. There’s something very powerful about sharing your own story and using it to help others. Nathan Andres delivers.

—Andrew Keith, Managing Director at Selfridges & Co., UK

Nathan has shared with us the magic he makes in authentically helping others create what they want for themselves. This book is a guide to getting comfortable with the uncomfortable and roadmapping the how-to, ‘no matter the closet, open the door.’

—Wendy Lewis, CEO and Founder at AllySHIFT®

Beautifully combining the power of authenticity and resilience, Nathan Andres has crafted a winning combination of skills we all need in our tool belt as we face difficulties in life.

—Alison Massey, Group Director of Health and Wellness Proposition at HSBC

As a leader and a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I find this book to be a thoughtful and considered approach to help members of our community and the world at large, by sharing pragmatic tools that build lasting resilience and authenticity.

—Martin Mason, CEO and Founder at Unleashed International, Ltd.

If you want to live on your own terms with greater understanding of what makes YOU unique, read this book. Nathan Andres’s REAL framework helps us to get unstuck, and to find answers and the way forward—from within ourselves. Powerful and significant.

—Morgan Tan, strategic advisor, advisory council member, and former President of Shiseido Group

Nathan has an outstanding passion and energy for personal growth, and his authenticity inspires others to continually learn and grow. Superb writing.

—Katrina Wright, Global Executive People Director at the Body Shop International Ltd.

Nathan Andres is generous with both his time and his ideas. Readers will undoubtedly gain the same insights I have been fortunate to glean through his live talks and one-to-one coaching. Nate walks the talk of authenticity and understands the importance of resilience in living your best life.

—Paul Englert, PhD, industrial-organizational psychologist and executive coach

Nathan Andres is a deeply nurturing and skillful coach who brings his model to life with personal stories and practical methods to help us all be a little more authentic and resilient in our lives. Accessible, insightful, inclusive, and important reading for all.

—David Lee, PhD, psychologist, sleep expert, Founder at Sleep Unlimited

Nate Andres has included Love in the REAL model, and this really makes a difference in how we demonstrate our authentic selves with self-compassion—it’s often left out of the conversation around resilience but is so crucial. A valuable read for all.

—Emma Bardwell, nutritionist, well-being coach, and author of The Perimenopause Solution

This book illuminates the core qualities that will help you get through the hard times and enhance the good ones: knowing ourselves, being true to ourselves, and connecting to our purpose and to each other. Resilience isn’t toughing it out; it’s human connection, and Nathan brings this to life with energy and joy.

—Helen Barker, Chartered Psychologist, executive and leadership coach

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Notes to Reader

Unless otherwise noted, this book, models, tools, exercises, practices, tables, special terms, and practices, etc., herein are ©2023 by Nathan York Andres. No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic, or electronic process, or in the form of a phonographic or audio recording; nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted, otherwise be copied for public or private use—other than for fair use as brief quotations embodied in articles and reviews—without prior written permission of the author. The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the internet or via any other means without the author’s permission is illegal. Please purchase only authorized print, electronic, or audio editions as this aims to protect the author’s rights and prevent piracy of copyrighted materials.

Every effort has been made by the author to ensure that the information shared in this book is complete and accurate. The content is based on the lived personal and coaching experiences of the author and his clients, colleagues, friends, and family, in addition to an extensive review of academic literature and research. Where possible the author has gone to great effort to document and build upon the work of others and any inadvertent extraction of material without citation is unintended, unpremeditated, and accidental. The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for every situation and every reader. The content of this book makes no guarantees for results whatsoever, either expressly or implied. The book should not be used as a substitute for professional services, evaluations, or medical treatment by a competent mental health or medical practitioner. By its sale, neither the author nor publisher is engaged in rendering psychological or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. In the event the reader uses the information in the book for themselves, the author or publisher assumes no responsibility for their actions. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help the reader in their journey for physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual well-being as well as to build personal authenticity and resilience.

Some of the names and identifying features of people named in case studies, examples, personal stories, and other anecdotes have been changed by request in the name of confidentiality and in the spirit of protecting privacy.

Copyright © 2023 Nathan Andres

All rights reserved.

First Edition

ISBN: 978-1-5445-4123-5

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For my parents, Timothy & Carol Andres,

some of the most authentic, resilient, and REAL people I know.

Thanks for that little bit of extra.

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Contents

Introduction

1. What Is Adversity?

2. What Is Authentic Resilience?

3. The Model: Reality

4. The Model: Energy

5. The Model: Authenticity

6. The Model: Love

7. Self-Coaching the Model

Conclusion

Acknowledgments

Additional Research

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Introduction

It was one of those days; another manic weekday dictated by Murphy’s Law, where everything that can go wrong does. I woke up to realize that the dreaded drip drip drip sound of my kitchen sink leaking ferociously wasn’t only a product of the dream I’d been having. On the way to investigate the source of the panic-inducing noise, I discovered our dog had thrown up all over the apartment during the night. I cleaned it, cleaned the kitchen floor, and then went to clean myself—but the shower head burst off the wall from the pressure that had been building up since a construction crew had been messing with the building’s water the day before. Just what I needed before heading to work. I tried to calm down as I switched to the rain showerhead and used that to clean up instead. It almost worked, until I finished brushing my teeth only to find the bathroom sink was clogged. Now I had to clean that mess, finish up in a different sink, get dressed, and feed my dogs—I would definitely be late to work.

But all of that paled in comparison to the cherry on the rotten cake, the reason I’d had to deal with the mess and drama on my own: the country in which I was living doesn’t recognize gay marriage and had just torn my nontraditional family unit apart by forcing my husband to leave the country and take up residence elsewhere (more on that later). Honestly, it felt appropriate that when I ran home from work to meet the plumber that afternoon, I found that our other dog had pooped on the rug. Sometimes, life kicks you while you’re down…and plays out like some made-for-TV movie. Often, in the moment of experiencing adversity, the lines of reality blur and your brain can make you feel like you’re outside of yourself, watching the events play out as if on a screen.

Adversities come in all shapes and sizes, occasionally more than one at a time. We all meet seemingly insurmountable obstacles in the way of our happiness and personal or professional success. Adversity can be a difficult or unpleasant situation (as simple as spilling hot coffee or running late for a meeting) or it can become a state of serious and continued difficulty (for example, feeling stuck in an unhealthy relationship). Further, various adversities intersect with one another. They can wreak havoc on our lives—especially when they remain unaddressed. When we don’t face and respond productively to adversity, it disrupts not only our ability to succeed in our careers and relationships, but also our ability to know ourselves, find well-being, and experience joy.

When that happens, do you grin and bear it, or do you fight like hell? Fight like hell, right?! Okay, but how?

That’s the point where people stall. After all, it’s not easy to figure out how to be resilient. We hear all the time that when you fall down, you should just stand back up and dust yourself off. That’s easier said than done. So I’ve dedicated my coaching career to figuring it out.

Over the years, I have coached people who came to me with a variety of adversities they wanted to overcome. Most frequently, people feel stuck. They don’t know how to break through career challenges or relationship woes. Sometimes they feel unclear about what their next step in life should be. Many times they are searching for the deeper soul or what makes them tick out of a desire to steer their own ship toward a life with purpose and authenticity.

Often, people don’t know their purpose. Sometimes, they don’t yet truly know themselves. They want success, but more than that, they want joyful lives with deeper meaning. Their issues not only stem from adversity, but then become forms of adversity themselves.

Through thousands of hours of working with clients and employees, navigating my own collection of adversities, poring over research papers and scientific studies, and of course via professional and clinical training, I have developed the REAL model. It can be tailored to each individual, and it has been proven to help clients overcome adversities large and small, and live more joyful and fulfilling lives. The end goal of this model is to develop my version of authentic resilience. This book is a blueprint to help you become a more resilient person by learning to lead yourself from the power of authentic resilience.

Every adversity large or small that we experience anywhere in our everyday lives will remain with us, affecting our behavior and future life experiences. But when we have authentic resilience—which we gain by coaching ourselves through the REAL model—we can bounce back from adversity. In fact, it’s more accurate to say we bounce beyond adversity. We diminish its negative effects, grow from it instead, and thrive in our own lives.

What Is Authentic Resilience?

In short, I’m talking about the combination of being authentic and resilient: being self-driven to evolve and learn, so as not to make the same mistakes, in a way that’s based on genuine self-awareness of how you present yourself to the world. If adversity is an experience that triggers the brain to perceive a threat, then resilience is that which helps us get over the threat. Therefore, most people focus simply on building resiliency. But there is no cookie-cutter form of resiliency. Resilience will be different for every person. Your resilience skills are unique to you, based on who you are, the adversities you’ve faced (and how you respond to them), and the life’s purpose that drives you. In other words, each person’s resilience will be an authentic and individualized set of skills designed to overcome life’s obstacles.

How you cope, react, and recover is different from how other people do. As we grow into adulthood, and our brains and bodies mature, we collect millions of experiences that shape how we respond to adverse situations—including whether or not we even choose to. How you responded to getting your first bad grade in school was different from how I responded, just as we certainly responded differently to the first time we were each rejected by a paramour. In fact, modern psychology is built around the individualism of our responses to life. How you react to and (hopefully) recover from challenges in life leaves fingerprints on you. Part of the magic of mastering self-identity is uncovering these fingerprints.

This is also part of how we build authentic resilience. To be truly resilient in life, you need to have a strong understanding of who you are on a deep and authentic level. The only way to bounce beyond adversity is by developing authentic resilience. This book will teach you how to build and master your own unique skills that will be an authentic reflection of you.

A Snapshot of the REAL Model

The REAL self-coaching model is built on scientific and psychological research, and has a proven track record of helping clients who’ve come to me for personal and professional development. It also worked in my life. It will help you too.

Reality

The first step in getting REAL requires you to face Reality. In order to develop authentic resilience, you first need to understand how you typically respond to adversity and prepare yourself to change your habits.

I’ll show you how to start by choosing to Face It: acknowledge an adverse event you’re currently facing and then ultimately accept that event (as well as adversity in general). Resilient people know how to move from acknowledgment to acceptance quickly.

Then, I’ll tell you how to Control It: adopt a growth mindset, understand your agency, and take control of the adverse event and how you will respond to it (e.g., by looking for the advertunity).

Finally, you’ll learn how to Plan It & Take Action: identify obstacles that are making it difficult to respond to the adversity, and learn how to problem-solve around them, then go do it! The knowledge isn’t helpful if you don’t act on it, which I help you prepare for.

Energy

The second step in getting REAL is all about understanding and managing energy. Once you understand energy regulation, how to recover energy, and where to focus it, you will be able to respond instead of react to adversity by harnessing and allocating resources more wisely.

First, I want you to Understand Your Energy Regulation: learn about the different energetic domains (physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual), identify your triggers that lead you to waste energy, and dismantle your energy habits so you can consciously regulate your energy use instead.

Then, you’re ready to learn how to Recover Your Energy: stop doing things that deplete you and start doing things that charge you up (including gratitude, self-care, and other interventions, such as yoga or journaling).

Finally, I’ll help you think about how to Use Your Energy: actively choose where to spend your energy; make sure that spent energy counts and is serving you; and remember to save some energy for the learning and growing that follows failure, mistakes, and adversity. Resilient people know how to manage energy and this is key to building a fulfilling life of well-being.

Authenticity

The third step in getting REAL focuses on Authenticity. It’s important to learn to identify and nurture your authentic self because without true authenticity, you will never be able to bounce beyond adversity.

In this chapter, I’ll prompt you with ways to get to Know Yourself: define your core values, beliefs, and personal strengths. You’ll use that information to help you find your purpose—when passion and purpose collide, and they’re built on core values and beliefs, it’ll be easier to get up when life knocks you down.

Then, you’ll discover how to Release Yourself: free yourself from everything that mitigates or denigrates your authenticity, including judgment, self-sabotage, imposter syndrome, tendencies to spiral, your inner critic, the walls you put up, and shame.

Finally, I want you to Love Yourself: create space for yourself; develop healthy boundaries; practice self-care, self-compassion, and self-advocacy; and most important, love yourself. Resilient people draw on their own authenticity often, using it to love themselves inside and out, outside and in.

Love

The fourth and final step in getting REAL encourages us to Love wholly and completely. Love helps you build resilience because it makes you stronger and healthier, it helps you build an authentic community rooted in your core values that will support you, and it develops in you the capacity to respond to adversity with optimism and peace.

A key element to this anchor is developing the ability to Forgive Yourself & Others: acknowledge hurts and mistakes of the past and choose to forgive and release them. This is the last obstacle to clear from your path before you can run free.

Then, you’ll be ready to Develop Authentic Community: build a support system based on love—instead of, say, money or career/reputation—including your birth family (if appropriate); your chosen family; your professional and social networks; and a support system of doctors, counselors, and coaches.

Next, I’ll demonstrate to you how to Communicate with Love: find a loving way to say hard things (e.g., I don’t love you anymore or I don’t want to work here anymore). Words matter; responding with love always leads to better outcomes, not least of which is the cultivation of more love.

Finally, Have Fun! Look for ways to have a little bit of fun; it can make tough moments easier and help keep you from spiraling into negative self-talk. Laughter leads to resilience and further enables your authentic self to emerge.

This book dedicates a full chapter to each of the model’s four anchors. Then, after we’ve explored them individually, I’ll zoom back out and show you how to put them all together through self-coaching. When you know how to self-coach, you’ll be able to take yourself through the model under any circumstances and at any time. You’ll know how to bounce beyond adversity by leaning on your already-developed authentic resilience.

How and Why I Became a Coach

Long before I figured out the formula to bounce beyond adversity, I was doing it on the fly. I was bullied as a child for being different—something a lot of gay children know about themselves, but don’t have the words for yet. The bullying continued into high school, and this is where I first understood the power of authenticity. I became involved in Key Club (a high school–level service organization) and the leadership roles therein. In the process of campaigning and running for a regional office, I realized I had to be me. In order to serve others, my community, and my school, I had to be 100 percent authentic. The empowerment that developed from that decision was profound and also directly related to my success—both as a leader and in my teenage relationships. It was as if I didn’t even hear the bullies anymore. That was the first time I truly felt confident. The lesson stuck with me.

Next, I attended Marquette University, a Jesuit institution founded on the principles of St. Ignatius Loyola, which further instilled