JESUS AND CHRIS

By Frank Koumantaris

Jesus Christ sends a text to the cellphone of Christopher Immanuel, a thirty-eight-year-old gay architect living in New York City. After some back and forth, Christopher realizes it's really from Jesus, and they embark on many cellphone calls discussing the state of America today, Facebook, the Kardashians, coronavirus, wars, music, Hollywood, the Gospels, pain, death, modern psychoanalysis, ancient Greece, the Jews, the Old Testament, narcissism, abortion in America, the news media, materialism, the White House, addiction today, and the order of life in general.

Jesus explains in detail what happened to him two thousand years ago and why he has decided, steadfastly, to never return to Earth. He invites Christopher to take his place as the next Messiah. Christopher balks at first, but Jesus explains how God and the Virgin Mary have also agreed that Christopher should succeed Jesus as the living Messiah in the year 2022. They have been following Christopher (who was raised Greek Orthodox) ever since he was a little boy, and he is the only person they trust with the gifts and abilities of a real living Messiah. Christopher finally accepts the position, and Jesus continues to groom him in several long calls for his role (and career change) from architect to the Son of Man.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fulton Books, Inc.
• Release date: May 30, 2023
• ISBN: 9798887312507

Book preview

Table of Contents

Title

Copyright

1: Greetings (Via Cellphone Texts)

2: Zuckerberg and Social Media

3: Jesus's Limitations and September 11, 2001, Plus Coronavirus and War

4: If Jesus Came Back: The Crucifix and Pain

5: Jesus's Favorite Music

6: Hollywood

7: The Reveal about Who Wrote the Gospel of Thomas

8: The Invitation

9: God and Pain

10: Death as Passage, Philoxenia, and American Values

11: The Greatest Nation on Earth

12: Chris Designing a House and Therapy

13: The Position (Job) of the Messiah; Jews and Greeks; Chris Designs Heaven

14: Chris's Move to Greece and Narcissism Plus Mental Disorders

15: Abortion and the Media

16: On Stuff

17: On the Order of Life

18: Good and Bad and Psychotherapy

19: The Goodbye

20: The Beginning

About the Author

cover.jpg

JESUS AND CHRIS

Frank Koumantaris

Copyright © 2023 Frank Koumantaris

All rights reserved

First Edition

Fulton Books

Meadville, PA

Published by Fulton Books 2023

ISBN 979-8-88731-249-1 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88731-250-7 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

For Faye Newsome

It is difficult to make a man miserable while he feels worthy of himself and claims kindred to the great God who made him.

—Abraham Lincoln

1

Greetings (Via Cellphone Texts)

Jesus. Γειά σού παλικάρι μού. (Hey there, young handsome man.)

Chris. Hi.

J. What's happening?

C. Good here, and you?

J. Been better.

C. Who is this?

J. You mean you don't know?

C. I have no idea who you are.

J. Έλα Ρέι, είμαι ο Χριστός. (C'mon, you, it's Christ.)

C. Χριστός or Χρίστος? (Christ or Chris?)

J. It is Christ, like Jesus Christ.

C. If you're Jesus Christ, then I'm Santa Claus.

J. Chris, you are not Santa Claus, but I am Jesus.

C. Prove it!

J. Okay. Hmmm, let me think. I did not think this was going to be easy. Give me a sec. Chris, what is the last thing you do at night before getting into bed?

C. You, tell me!

J. Well, ever since you were a young teenager, you say, in Greek…of course, and aloud, yet softly, you say, Goodnight, Virgin Mary, goodnight, Jesus, and goodnight, God, then you pause and say, Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner. You have done this nearly every bedtime of your life unless you were too drunk or too sick to say it. Sometimes, when you are really in a good place, or perhaps when you have been frightened, you say the entire Lord's prayer, first in Greek and then in English. On major holidays, you recite the Creed in its entirety.

C. No one knows any of that. How do you know that?

J. Because I'm always there with you.

C. I must go now.

J. Oh, okay.

C. No. I mean I really must go.

J. I understand.

C. Well, later…

J. Goodbye, Chris.

C. Um, yeah, whatever, C-YA!

J. Is it okay if I text you after dinner tonight?

C. I don't know. A couple of good shows are on cable later. I may want to watch them.

J. Okay, well, I'll try you, and if you're watching your shows, I'll try you some other time.

C. That's fine. Ciao.

J. Bye, Chris.

*****

J. Hello.

C. Hi. Where were you last night? You disappeared on me.

J. No, I never disappear. I was distracted with some issues between Dad and me, and Father and me.

C. Wait, let me guess, Dad meaning St. Joseph, and Father meaning God Almighty?

J. Exactly right.

C. Do they not get along? Don't they let go already? I mean, you're like 2026 years old, aren't you?

J. Well, I try not to think of numbers much anymore. They were both genuinely concerned. They agreed that contacting you may not be the wisest move on my part.

C. Oh.

J. They're both extremely protective of me, and I understand that. I was a bit of a mess when I left your world.

C. You mean the whole crucifixion and resurrection thing?

J. Yes.

C. Hmmm, I don't know what to say…

J. Well, it was really all my fault. I've had 1,992 years to mull things over after returning home. Mom and Dad weren't there yet, but Father wasn't what I would say, impressed. Mom was a mess for decades afterward.

If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't have begged Father to let me try to do everything on my own. But I was seduced by real men. If I knew then what I know now, everything would have been vastly different. I found men so powerful and virile, and I so enjoyed seeing them in action. All of them behaving with free will that Father had bestowed on them. While walking on earth, I became increasingly enthralled with masculinity.

C. Huh. A Son of God who adored mankind, eh?

J. Yes. The point I am making, Chris, is I did not have to be crucified.

C. Go on…

J. It is complicated. First off, I was exhausted. It was three long years of work, and I would not wish it on anyone. I depended on strangers and followers for food and clean clothing. At night, I slept outside on the Mount of Olives. We didn't have toilets or toilet papers. If we had gastrointestinal issues, it was not fun. Add to that all the time I spent running from the Romans and fending off cynical Jewish Rabbis. I was a Jew, but I did not have any focused plans for the Jewish religion. Often my efforts to show people that sinning was costing them more dearly than they understood, was not very well received. Father had created heaven and earth, yet he did not create hell. Hell is similar to what man creates on earth. Rather than helping life along to return to a paradise-like state as described in Genesis, and the Garden of Eden, man was making life on earth more and more miserable.

I was championing a new world understanding, and I was teaching my neighbors to be the best they could be. Disappointingly it was futile most of the time.

How old are you again?

C. I'm thirty-eight. Yes, I can understand completely though. You must have been exhausted.

J. Being a Messiah isn't for sissies, you know.

C. No, I guess not.

J. What you must understand is that back then, there were thousands of prophets all claiming to be God. Heck, there was practically a prophet on every street corner. And yet, I was the real thing!

C. Yes.

J. I thought I was to live forever and be worshipped and adored.

C. If I may interrupt, if you're Jesus Christ, how come you're not speaking Aramaic? I mean, where did you learn to speak English?

J. I understand over seven thousand languages, Chris, but I only speak four. Aramaic, Hebrew, Greek (the letters of the first Bible), and English.

C. Where did you learn English?

J. Rosetta Stone, baby.

C. What?

J. I'm just kidding. What matters here is that you can talk to me freely, and I will understand everything you say. No matter the language.

C. Of course, you do. You're Jesus!

J. Yes!

C. Listen, any chance we can FaceTime each other?

J. Umm, no way!

C. Okay, then how about we both go speaker?

They switched