Shamrock's Purgatory: Emerald Isle MC, #6

By Courtney Lynn Rose

I've given my life to the club. And now, I might be the reason an empire falls.

 

Finn "Shamrock" Adair

 

A year of my life—stolen.

 

The number of once-in-a-lifetime moments the Cartel took from me is immeasurable. I missed the birth of my children, their first milestones, their first words. I wasn't here when two of my brothers claimed ol' ladies. I missed most of my sister-in-law's pregnancy and wasn't there to help my sister through her miscarriage.

 

Most of all, I wasn't here to lay my mother to rest.

 

Missing all those things, getting my life back, being the man they needed for a year, but I couldn't be, is all that should matter to me. That should be my only focus now that I'm home and with my club again.

 

But the Cartel destroyed that man that once ran this club. Used as a guinea pig to test their newest drugs, the only thing I want to do, the only thing I can seem to focus on, is getting high again. A year in a constant state of being out of my mind has left me as little more than a junkie.

 

I want to do the right thing, but I can't.

 

The demons unleashed in me are too strong, have too great a hold now.

 

My club isn't going to give up, though, and for once, their greatest adversary isn't an outside force—it's me.

 

I held this club together for so long, waited a lifetime to get my woman back, and now? I just might be the very reason it all crumbles to the ground.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Croí na Tine Publishing
• Release date: May 25, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223429050

Book preview

Content Warning

This book contains content, situations, and themes that may be sensitive for some readers. This may include but is not limited to sexual abuse/harassment/rape, graphic violence/gun violence/weapon violence, criminal activity/organized crime, strong/vulgar language, mental health disorders/side effects/therapies/recovery/treatment, sexual acts/encounters, drug/alcohol use/abuse/addiction/recovery, & mental/emotional/physical abuse/torture.

. Reader discretion is strongly advised.

Chapter 1

Shamrock

Beep-Beep-Beep

Shut that off, I grumble, it’s annoying the fuck out of me. Opening my eyes, the brightness makes me groan and slam them shut again. Where the fuck am I?

Medic! Faylinn’s voice rings out, and my heart goes into a panic, the annoying beep picking up so loudly it makes me cringe.

Faylinn, I say, my voice breaking as dryness grips my throat. A second later, a warmth covers my hand, and in my soul, I know that touch belongs to my wife. Lights. They’re too bright.

Her hand disappears, and a moment later, everything darkens, and I slowly blink, the blazing light gone. At first, there’s nothing but whiteness; the beep slows again but is still just as annoying. My vision is blurry for a moment, and I turn my head, my eyes finally focusing on the most beautiful sight I never thought I’d see again.

Faylinn.

She smiles with tears in her eyes and leans down to press her lips to the back of my hand. Welcome back, babe. Fuck, it’s good to hear your voice.

Pulling my hand out from under hers, pain radiates through my shoulder, making me cringe. I lift it and gently cup the side of her face. "I love you so much, grá mo chroí. Tears spill down Faylinn’s cheeks, breaking my heart and making it whole again at the same time. Baby, where am I?"

You’re in the hospital, Prez, a familiarly deep voice says. Looking toward the end of the bed, Medic stands in scrubs and his white jacket, stethoscope around his neck. Glad to have you back. Once you’re a little more stable, we’ll get you over to the rehab center.

My brows pull together, and I find Faylinn’s hand to squeeze. Rehab? For what?

Medic glances at Faylinn, and my eyes bounce between them but ultimately go back to my wife’s face. She looks worried, scared . . . things I’ve never seen on her face where I’m concerned, and that scares me, too.

Finn, you’ve been gone for fifteen months, man. You’ve been a drug test mule the entire time. The only reason you aren’t flipping out and begging for a high right now is that I’ve got a steady line of morphine and Dilaudid going into your system.

No, I snap, letting go of Faylinn’s hand to sit myself up. I can’t stop the growl as pain radiates from my hands to my shoulders. I’ve been gone long enough. I’m fine. Hell, shut the pain meds off now. Let them get out of my system, and you’ll see I’m fine. Turning my head to look into Faylinn’s eyes, I sigh. "I just want to come home, grá mo chroí."

She just stares at me for a moment, her eyes searching my face. There’s something I need to talk to you about first, Finn. And then the tears spill over, and my chest tightens to the point I feel like I’m going to stop breathing.

Faylinn? I put my fingers under her chin and tip it upward until her eyes meet mine again. What’s wrong?

She swallows and takes a few shallow breaths, reaching up to take my hand in hers. The day you went missing, I found out I was pregnant.

The room spins. I’m sorry, what?

She squeezes my hand, and that’s the first time I notice Medic is on the other side of the bed, his hand resting on my shoulder. Medic delivered them on January 28th. They’ll be eight months this month.

It’s like someone is sucking the air out of my lungs, shrinking the entire room. I can’t remember the last time I got emotional. . . maybe when the Cartel first took me, and I realized I wasn’t getting out on my own, I can’t be sure. But now, my cheeks are wet, and it feels like someone ripped my soul out through a gaping hole in my chest using a pair of flaming tongs— it just hurts. They? More than one?

Faylinn finally smiles through her tears. Three, actually. Triplets run in my family. So, you have two daughters and a son.

I want to see them, I say without thinking, now.

Medic squeezes my shoulder. There’s more we need to tell you, Finn. A lot more.

It can wait, Aiden, Faylinn snaps in a tone that brings me up short. What in the hell has happened to my family since I went missing?

Medic pins my wife with a look that would kill most men. You want to coddle him or rip the band-aides off to see if he can really handle it? Because telling him this shit after the drugs stop and he’s going through withdrawal is gonna end in blood.

I would never hurt my family, Aiden, I say as calmly as I can, gently squeezing my wife’s hand. You fucking know that.

Medic turns that hardened look on me. Old you wouldn’t. Addict you trying to get clean is a Finn we don’t know. So I’m trying to do this in the safest way possible.

Faylinn sighs loudly next to me. Fine. But if it is too much and he loses it, you better get Bradan and my brothers here quick.

We’re already here.

My head snaps to the door, my heartbeat going crazy, setting the machine I’m hooked to on the fritz as my brothers walk in— Dire, Timber, Claddagh, and Grey. My eyes meet Claddagh’s, and there’s tears there too.

Bradan, I say quietly with a deep breath.

He steps through the others and comes to the side of the bed. I sit up as he leans down, his arms going around me. Hey, brother. Welcome back.

When he stands, the other three take turns embracing me the same way, and then a tense silence falls over the room as they all stare at me, and my eyes move from one face to another. Whatever you all are avoiding telling me, just fucking say it.

A few months ago, Ksenyia’s brother came to Cascade Falls looking for her, Claddagh says.

Shit, I mumble, I guess that means the truth of all that came out.

Grey barks out a laugh. Yeah. If you hadn’t been through hell already, I’d punch your ass for lying to me about my woman all these years.

I can’t help but smile. You made her an ol’ lady then?

He nods. Bradan got himself one, too, while you were kicking it with the Cartel.

My eyes almost bug out of my head. No shit?

My brother smirks. Tasmin’s school counselor. Clara. She’s five months pregnant with our son, too.

Shaking my head, I let all that sink in. Fuck. I’m so sorry, guys.

For what, man? Dire stares at me, confused.

For not being here for any of it. I turn and meet my wife’s gaze. For not being here for you. For our kids.

Faylinn leans forward and presses her lips softly to mine for the first time, setting my entire body on fire. The heart monitor kicks up and again, and someone snickers. When Faylinn pulls back, she cups the side of my face, trailing her fingers through my beard. It’s okay. We all know you weren’t gone by choice.

Doesn’t matter, woman, I say, reaching up to grab the side of her neck and bring her lips to mine again. Fuck, I missed kissing this woman. I wasn’t there, and I should’ve been.

Someone clears their throat, and I look over to the nervous face of my blood brother. Claddagh comes over and sits on the side of my bed. There is something we need to tell you, and I need to tell you. But I need you to try to hold it together, okay? You’re still injured, you’ve got a lot of shit still in your system, and we don’t want something happening to you, okay, bro?

I don’t take my eyes off his face as I nod.

When Willow’s brother came here, he . . . Tears spring to my brother’s eyes, making my brows pull together.

Bradan?

He killed Ma, Finn. Right after, Carrigan went into labor, but the baby was stillborn.

Did you just say Ma is dead?

Finn, stop, Faylinn cries out.

It’s only then I realize I’m squeezing her hand. Letting go, I take a shallow breath as a panic I’m too familiar with creeps through my veins, with anger trailing quickly in its wake. I’m sorry, Fay. I didn’t mean . . . fuck. Lacing my fingers together behind my head, I close my eyes and just try to breathe.

My mother is gone.

And I wasn’t here to protect her. I wasn’t here to protect my sister. I wasn’t fucking here to help Faylinn, my fucking soulmate, the woman I waited forever for, bring my babies into the world. My family was going through their own hell while I was being used as some kind of guinea pig, and I wasn’t here to protect any of them. As president, I have one fucking job, one!

Protect my family and club at all costs . . . and I’ve failed.

Spots of red and white pop behind my eyelids, and I take deep breaths trying to force the rising anger down, but I can’t, and I just snap. Growling, my eyes fly open, and I grab the first thing my hand touches and throw it. Flailing to rip out my IVs and get out of bed, my hand connects with something, but I don’t give a shit. I want out of this fucking hospital. Several hands grab my arms and push against my shoulders, pissing me off more.

Get the fuck off me, I yell, struggling against them as they push me back toward the bed, blocking me from getting my feet on the floor.

Faylinn, get outside, Medic says sharply.

Continuing to struggle against my brothers, I get my arm loose and let a punch fly at Medic, connecting with the side of his face. Don’t talk to my fucking wife like that.

A hand goes around my throat and slams me back against the bed. Timber’s eyes come into view as he leans over me. You just went into a rage and hit my sister in the face, Finn, so chill the fuck out!

What? The rage leaves as quick as it came, and realization slams into me like a tidal wave. Shit. I just punched my cousin, my blood cousin, in the face. Did I really hit Faylinn? Is that what my hand connected with? I did-didn’t mean to. Shit.

Flopping back against the bed, all the fight leaves my body. Timber slowly lets go of my neck and stands. Finn, listen to me, okay? Motormouth warned us about what the Cartel gave you. She said it was some serious shit. You need to keep yourself in check because this is the only freebie you’re fucking getting. If you hurt Faylinn, for any reason, after today, you and I will have a very physical conversation that you won’t like. Got me?

Yeah, I say, defeated, I got you. Tell her to come here, please.

Timber turns and leaves the room as the rest of the guys straighten up and take a step back from the bed. Medic takes my arm and starts fixing all the shit I pulled out. By the time he has everything cleaned and my IV back in place, this time in the back of my hand, the door opens again, and Faylinn hesitantly steps inside.

He’s calm, Fay, Timber says softly as he steps behind her and into the room.

"Grá mo chroí, I say, the word catching in my throat, Come here. Please? She takes measured steps to the side of my bed, and I notice the red mark on her cheek. Reaching up, I take her hand gently and tug until she sits on the side of the bed. She flinches a little when I cup the side of her face, her eyes welling with tears. I am so sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to. I swear, I would never hurt you."

The first tear spills over and down her cheek as she leans into my touch. I know. You just woke up and had your whole world flipped on its head. I’m sorry we couldn’t wait to dump all this on you, Finn. I just—

Shhh, I say, tugging her forward and bringing her head to my chest, my other arm going around her to hold her against me. Fuck, I missed her. It’s okay. I love you, and I’m gonna get past all this and go back to being the husband you deserve, the father our kids deserve. I promise, Fay. I’ll beat this; I will.

The first sob leaves her lips as she buries her head into my chest, and my arms tighten around her. I don’t know how long I sit there, holding her against me while she cries, my eyes closed, blocking out everything except the sobs from my wife, but I don’t care, either. My head is a fucking mess, and the only thing that really matters is figuring out how to get back to my life. I survived fifteen months with the Cartel, but Faylinn survived fifteen fucking years with a rival club and still came home to me and pushed to be the best person she could be. I owe her so much more than what I just woke up and gave her.

Who has the kids, baby? I finally say softly, rubbing my hand down her back.

Sniffling, she sits up and wipes under her eyes. Cami is watching them.

Who?

Faylinn clears her throat and takes another deep breath. The hostess from Bangers and Mash. When you were found last week, she offered to help if we needed it, so she’s been watching the kids when I come up here to be with you.

Taking Faylinn’s hand in mine, I kiss her knuckles. Well, tell her I’m thankful. Hopefully, it won’t be long before I can come home and take care of my family like I should’ve been this entire time.

Finn, Timber says sternly, making me look at him. I know you want to go home, but you really need to think about the rehab thing. What you went through wasn’t some little shit, brother, and the only thing we want, as a family and a club, is for you to get better.

Swallowing hard, I nod. Let’s take this one day at a time, okay? Whenever Medic wants, he can stop the pain meds, and then we can go from there.

Timber nods and holds his fist out for me to bump. Aight, brother. I need to get home to my woman and daughter; let them know you’re good.

Daughter? My eyes widen in shock. The fuck is he talking about?

He chuckles and shrugs. Yeah. Lots of little things to fill you in on. Turns out all those trips Caelan took to Ireland weren’t just visiting family. We have a teenage daughter. Caomihe. Kid is fucking smart as a whip, too. You’ll love her.

Damn, I sigh, I really missed a lot.

Dire pats my leg and smiles. Nothing you can’t get caught up on, man. Like you said, one day at a time, and everything will be okay. Faylinn, when you’re ready to come home, just text me. I’ll wait in the car. Take your time, though, okay? Ironhide said to take the week off.

Faylinn rolls her eyes. Well, you can tell him I do what I want.

A surge of jealousy rips through me, and I don’t understand why. Faylinn has worked for Ironhide since she came home. There’s just this part of me that already feels like I’m an outsider. Everything that’s happened while I was gone, it’s like I’m stepping back into a life I don’t even know anymore. I can already tell how much my woman has changed. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but we’ve already lost too much time.

Now, I feel like I’ve lost my family all over again. How the hell do I just come back into the fold, not just with Faylinn but with my entire club? Fuck . . . I don’t know how she did this or what it’s going to take for me to do it, too.

Chapter 2

Faylinn

Coming home after midnight for the last week weighs on me more than I want to admit. Opening the front door of our house, it’s quiet except for two low voices coming from my kitchen. After setting my purse and keys on the table inside the door, I head that way and find Cami and Ironhide at the kitchen table. She smiles at him like he’s the best thing in the world, and even though I won’t say anything, I think it’s cute. Cami is only nineteen, and Ironhide is twice her age, but I’ve never been one of those people who think age matters much. As long as both people are consenting adults, the heart wants what it wants.

That mentality explains why the side of my face is throbbing, and I’m not mad about it. Finn has been through hell, which is something I can understand. My heart knows he’d never hurt me intentionally. This is going to be a rough time for all of us, not just from him being back but trying to get him over what he’s about to go through. I know he thinks he’s fine and can handle it, but he’s never done hard drugs. He smokes weed, that’s it, and from what Motormouth said, the shit the Cartel was cooking is harder than anything we even have on the streets in this country. And whether Finn wants to admit it or not, this is just the beginning of a new level of hell.

What the fuck happen to your face, Fay? Cami’s voice jolts me from my thoughts, my hand absently going to the bruise on my cheek.

As I wave her concern off, Ironhide stands and closes the distance between us in two steps, taking my face gently in his hands and tilting it so he can inspect the mark. Finn?

I gently encircle his wrists with my fingers and squeeze. He kinda lost it when we told him about Big Ma.

Faylinn, Ironhide says in a warning tone.

Garrick, don’t, I say, pulling his hands from my face.

Sit down. I’ll make you a coffee, Cami says as she gets up from the table and heads right for the coffee pot.

I smile and thank her and head over to sit in the empty chair across from where Ironhide sits back down. He didn’t even realize it was me he hit when he started trying to get out of the bed. He’s lost right now, Garrick. I just don’t know how lost yet. None of us do.

How much of the last fifteen months did you all drop on him at once?

I level Ironhide with a glare. Not my decision, but apparently, my brothers and Medic thought ripping it off like a band-aid was best, so most of it.

Ironhide tilts his head to the side and shrugs just as Cami sits a hot cup of coffee in front of me. Maybe the guys aren’t wrong.

My eyes cut to her face, and she gives me a shy smile. I think asking him to process so much bad at once is unfair. Especially in his condition.

Cami nods. It is, but it’s also the safest way. He’s in a hospital where he can be contained. Shamrock is like the chillest guy I know outside of Claddagh, but if the drugs were that bad, maybe it’s best he process shit there until you can gauge his reactions better. Ya know?

For a moment, I stare at this girl in awe at how old of a soul she is. Since I met Cami, she’s been nothing but sweet. That’s why when she offered to help with the kids, I accepted. Granted, Ironhide is here with her every night. I have tried to make sure the triplets and I spend time with the club equally, but honestly, I don’t even think my brothers know how often Ironhide has come over here to check on us. He’s not just a brother of the club, he’s my boss, and we’ve become close friends since I came back.

Since a week after Finn disappeared, Ironhide has stepped up in ways the club doesn’t know, and I honestly won’t ever be able to thank him for it. He’s literally sat on my couch all night and listened to me scream and sob from my bedroom, just to make sure I know I’m not alone. Hell, the first time he showed up, and I was in rage mode, just angry at the world, I punched him in the face and told him to just get out. He didn’t. He let me beat on his chest and cuss the world up and down until I couldn’t lift my arms anymore. Then he made coffee and a pizza and silently sat at the other end of the couch watching Downton Abbey. I woke up the next morning in my bed alone, and he crashed on the couch.

I wouldn’t have made it through these last fifteen months if it hadn’t been for him.

What’s going on in that head of yours, Fay, Ironhide says, my eyes drifting up to meet his stern gaze.

A sad smile comes over my lips. When I was eighteen, Carrigan and I got Celtic and my dad to agree to let us have a huge graduation party at the clubhouse. That night was the first time Finn kissed me. I got super drunk after that and ended up staying in his room. That was the night he finally told me he wanted to be with me. And I remember wanting to just jump in with both feet right at that moment, but he wouldn’t because I was drunk. The respect he showed me that night has been there from as early as I can remember. And I know that man, the man I fell in love with and married, is still in there. He’s still that man.

And that’s why you aren’t angry about that, Ironhide says, motioning to my cheek.

I smile again, tears welling in my eyes. Yeah. That’s why I’m not mad. Do you remember what a mess I was when I first came home?

Ironhide chuckles as he glances at Cami. Faylinn was, I don’t even think angry is the right word. She was in a rage inside her own head.

And, you took me outside and let me beat the hell out of you, I say, making Cami’s eyes widen, and Finn . . . he stood by me every moment as I found myself again. He never wavered. Not once.

Cami lets out a little breath of air that gets my attention, her eyes lighting up. So you feel like you owe him at least the same?

Nodding, I take a deep breath. Garrick, you have to help him. We all do. Whatever it takes.

Ironhide sighs and eventually brings his eyes to mine. I watched my cousin go through addiction, Fay. So the only thing I ask is that if I tell you he needs tough love, you understand what I’m saying, and you stand strong in that. Giving in to his every whim will only make him worse.

He says he can get past the withdrawal on his own, I say, sitting straighter, and I know he might not, but we owe him the chance to try this his way first. If it doesn’t work, we can discuss an intervention, but we have to give him a chance for now. That’s all I’m asking.

Ironhide nods. Okay. I’ll stand with you on this choice, but if shit goes wrong, don’t hate me for doing and saying what needs to be done and said.

I could never hate you, I say with a playful tilt of my head. Ironhide really is the first member of the club that’s really felt like a brother to me outside the ones I’m related to.

Ironhide stands and stares down at me, opening his arms wide. Getting up, I hug his midsection, and he wraps me in an embrace, squeezing slightly. When he lets me go, he rests his hands on my shoulders. I’m gonna make sure Cami gets home safe and then head to the club. If you need anything, just call, okay?

Yeah,