Overheard in Dublin #LOL: More Dublin Wit from Overheardindublin.com

By Gerard Kelly

A city of half a million, in 140 characters or less

Overheard in Dublin is back with another riot of wit, wisdom and suspect logic, this time with the vast majority of the contributions drawn from the site's wildly popular Twitter account.

Fans young and old will love this hilarious new collection. Get ready to laugh once again - you'll be LOLing in the aisles!
- Overheard at the McDonald's drive-thru on Naas Road.
The cashier shouts to his manager: 'Are we allowed to serve customers on horses?'

- A guard is searching a young lad at Oxegen.
Guard: 'Do ya have anything on ya that ya shouldn't?'
Lad: 'Yes, me da's socks!'

- On a Ryanair flight to Stansted.
Girl: 'Excuse me, flight attendant, can I have a Diet Coke with no ice!?'
Flight attendant: 'Want a little umbrella in there too, princess?'Join the conversation on Twitter @OverheardinDublin.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gill Books
• Release date: Sep 12, 2014
• ISBN: 9780717164370

Gerard Kelly

Gerard Kelly is a writer, speaker and poet, and a director of Café.net. He is an avid reader and abject failure in the realm of diet and fitness

Book preview

City Tales

A shark’s tale

Crossing over the Ha’penny Bridge, a mother says to a crying kid, ‘If you don’t bleedin’ shut up, I’ll throw you to the sharks!’

Overheard by Martin

It’s all about me

At the Beshoff chipper in Dublin 4. A girl orders two singles. The guy behind the counter asks, ‘Do you want them wrapped separate or together?’ The girl replies, ‘Eh, would you wrap one of them separate please?’

Overheard by Orla

True

Debate about TV shows on the Luas.

Girl: ‘Fair City is more realistic than Love/Hate.’

Lad: ‘No it’s not! You won’t hear gee bag being said on Fair City!’

Overheard by Anonymous

The dark side

Overheard in Kielys of Donnybrook: ‘What do you mean Brian O’Driscoll’s a northsider?!’

Overheard by John

Second time around

A D4 girl in a Barnardos charity shop in Dún Laoghaire: ‘Erm, I dunno, it’s kinda nice but it’s, like, almost like it’s been worn.’

Overheard by Anonymous

On yer bike!

Overheard at the Rothar Project: ‘I wouldn’t roide you if you had pedals!’

Overheard by Caitríona

Aber-bum-bie

‘I go into Abercrombie & Fitch just to fart.’

Overheard by Anonymous

‘Like a Virgin’

‘It’s been that long since I’ve done anything it’s probably closed up!’

Overheard by Jackie @Jackiem23

Text talk

A girl at Oxegen festival: ‘O to the M to the G, I think I lost my iPhone!’

Overheard by Anonymous

Bum note

‘She’s so far up herself, she could give herself an enema!’

Overheard by Geraldine @GeraldineOC1

D4 resolutions

In Starbucks Blackrock: ‘… so my New Year’s resolution is to switch from an Espresso Frappuccino to a Mocha Frappuccino.’

Overheard by Lorcan

Prickly piles

Two lads are having an argument on O’Connell Street. One of them then gets on a bus and he shouts out the window, ‘I hope your next shite is a hedgehog!’

Overheard by Anonymous

The world on your shoulders

Two D4 girls hauling a twenty-four-pack of Bulmers Light to the checkout in SuperValu Blackrock: ‘This is really, like, so labour-extensive!’

Overheard by Andy

Worst ride of his life

Two lads on a bicycle: the one on the back stretches his legs out and screams, ‘Ah you’re wrecking me f**king giblets!’

Overheard by Stephen @KillerSteveW

Super sense

Overheard on the southbound Dart: ‘I got €100 worth of Superdry vouchers for my birthday. That should get me at least two T-shirts.’

Overheard by Yvonne

Caught between a kebab and a hard place

Three a.m. in Temple Bar. A woman says to her friend, ‘Come on! We’re going for a kebab!’ The friend, crouched behind a car, shouts, ‘Wait, I’m just pulling my knickers up!’

Overheard by Maeve

Tainted toes

Two girls in Juniors Deli: ‘Oh your toes look great! Did you get a pedicure?

‘No, I got a manicure, but for my feet, like.’

Overheard by Darragh

Fast food

At 4 a.m., a mess of a girl gets kicked out of Burger King with no pants. My mate shouts, ‘Teresa, you forgot your fecking trousers!’

Overheard by John @jq_iladelph

Tap water

A woman in Starbucks on Mespil Road: ‘Can I have a no-ice grande ice water?’ (i.e. tap water!)

Overheard by John

Let them eat cake

Three of south Dublin’s finest on Suffolk Street: ‘Superdry, the Abercrombie for culchies.’

Overheard by Tara @tdegras

Role model

A child is screaming in town. His mother turns to him and says, ‘Stop that or people will think you have turrets. Now SHUT UP!’

Overheard by Gavin @gavinrhughes

Willy Wonka

A ‘lady’ on the no. 65 bus says to her friends, ‘All I want for Valentine’s Day is a fella with a chocolate willy that pisses money.’ (What a wonderful image.)

Overheard by Timmy

Hot stuff

A stunning lady jogs past two workmen in the city centre. One of the men shouts, ‘Take it easy luv, ye’ll boil yer waters!’ She shouts back, ‘Ye needn’t worry, ye’ll never scald yer mickey in them!’

Overheard by Anonymous

Cocktail class

At Electric Picnic.

A D4 girl at the bar: ‘Two Piña Coladas and one Margarita.’

Bar staff: ‘Where do you think you are, Castlepalooza?’

Overheard by Conor

Gorilla warfare

At Dublin Zoo. A woman walking towards the gorilla exhibit, pushing a pram and with a fag in her mouth, says to her friend, ‘Where’s this King Kong motherf**ker at?’

Overheard by Anonymous

Careful Mickey!

A father and his daughter discussing a trip to Disneyland: ‘I can’t wait Da, I’m gonna keep grabbing Mickey!’ Dad replies, ‘Just like your Ma, so.’

Overheard by Barry @getthemoffye

What a lovely image

Frascati Shopping Centre, Blackrock.

‘What are you wearing tonight?’

‘Black leather leggings and stuffing my ass cheeks.’

Overheard by Avril @AppleTartFace

Feminists

Girl 1: ‘Did ya see Miley Cyrus on the MTV awards last night?’

Girl 2: ‘Yeah, it’s called being a slut.’

Overheard by Anonymous

Return to sender

A D4 girl in Blackrock: ‘What happens to the cannabis that the Gardaí seize? Like, is it brought back to the supplier?’

Overheard by Fran

Yoghurt addict

I was waiting for a friend on O’Connell Street on Arthur’s Day and I was approached by a woman absolutely out of her face.

Woman: ‘Here love, ye haven got a smoke have ye?’

I gave her one in the hope that she would go away but she approached me again.

Woman: ‘Ye wanna buy any heroin’ cause of de night dats in it ‘n’ all?’

Me: ‘Ehh … I’ll pass, thanks!’

Woman: ‘Je want a few es instead then?’

Me: ‘No, I’m grand, thanks!’

Realising she was getting nowhere, she then asked: ‘Well dya want a f**king yoghurt then? … de’re strawberry – de’re masso … ye can just use yer fingers ’cause I’m using the spoon … yer not getting it for free though.’

Overheard by Anonymous

Psychoanalysis

Overheard on the Dart: ‘I like to judge people based on what stop they get off at,’ says a girl getting off at Sandymount.

Overheard by Karen

Family planning?

In the Coombe Hospital. A patient advises the nurse, ‘Only ever have two kids; it ruins the sex. Sex for my fella now is like throwing a sausage up O’Connell Street!’

Overheard by Trevor

First aid

Overheard at an A&E ward at St James’s Hospital:

Nurse: ‘What happened to you then?’

Patient: ‘I was coming out of the pub and someone jumped on me and kicked me in the head. No one gets away with that … I have people working on it, I’ll find out who it was and when I leave here, there will be a dead body comin’ in. No one kicks me in the head and gets away with it. I’m gonna sort yer man out … but can I ask a question?’

Nurse: ‘Go ahead.’

Patient: ‘How come every time I come in here, yous put a security guard at the end of me bed?’

Overheard by Anonymous

Made in Blackrock

A girl in Blackrock Shopping Centre: ‘They say money doesn’t buy you happiness but I’d rather cry wearing Abercrombie & Fitch and sitting in a Lexus.’

Overheard by Eoghan

When the dog has better manners than the owner

Overheard at a block of flats on North Strand: a landlord arguing with a tenant; the tenant is holding her Yorkshire terrier. The exchange went as follows:

Landlord: ‘Your dog peed in my lift!’

Girl: ‘He didn’t!’

Landlord: ‘He did!’

Girl: ‘He didn’t, it was me … now feck off!’

Overheard by Richy

Eco-friendly

In Spar in Clondalkin. Two girls are talking about how expensive bin charges are: ‘Sure my Ma just flushes most of the rubbish down the toilet, except the bulky stuff.’

Overheard by Zoe

Touchy subject

A Moore Street vegetable stallholder says to a lady, ‘Would ya stop touching the carrots! They’re not your man’s willy, they won’t get any bigger!’

Overheard by Anonymous

Freebie

On Amiens Street. A group of girls spot a lad eating an ice-cream with about four large scoops: ‘Here, youngfella, give us a lick of your balls!’

Overheard by Steo

Smooth operator

Outside a beauty salon on Parnell Street: a beautician is on a smoke break, when a taxi driver