Ask Dr. Eldritch Volume #2 Why Does My Monster Hate Me?: Ask Dr. Eldritch Advice Column, #2

By Evan Nichols

Are you ready for more uncommon-sense advice from the world's foremost ex-vampire-killer turned advice columnist? This second collection of letters from "Ask Dr. Eldritch" addresses the problems of troubled monsters, unhappy spies, dissatisfied psychics, disappointed mad scientists and more! Contains even more Quick Tips, Follow-Up letters, and the legendary VALENTINE'S DAY COUPLES QUIZ. You'll never know when (or IF) you'll need the advice in this book until it's too late, so get yours today!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Evan Nichols
• Release date: Apr 28, 2023
• ISBN: 9798223267515

Evan Nichols

Evan Nichols is the writer/artist for both the Ask Dr. Eldritch advice column and the webcomic.   The Advice Column grew from his love of stories, and annoyance at the tropes often found in movies and television.  Wanting to get hapless characters to make better choices, the advice was designed to allow their stories to end well.  This grew into a weekly newsletter, and then the webcomic came along in 2005, intending to increase readership of the column and horoscopes.   Evan lives in Portland, Oregon with the Love of His Life and two wooden cats.

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DEDICATION

To Jocelyn,

Without whose encouragement and support over the years, I might have just given up and watched television.

DISCLAIMER

My Legal Minions advised me to state the following:

THESE LETTERS ARE FICTION.  That's right.  They're made up.  They are presented for Entertainment Purposes Only, which is obvious to any Reasonable Person.

THE ADVICE IS NOT FOR YOU.  No matter how similar you may think your situation is to the ones described, DO NOT use this advice to guide your actions.  Instead, consult a professional in the mental health, legal, law enforcement, or religious field.

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS.  I am not telling you to do anything, especially illegal or immoral actions, and cannot be held liable for what you do, or the results of any of your actions.

If you don't understand any part of this, please do not read my writings.  Do not do things that make these disclaimers necessary, and go back to watching daytime television. Thank you.

INTRODUCTION

Let me first address those Readers of this Introduction who are previously unfamiliar with Dr. Eldritch and the Ask Dr. Eldritch webcomic, the advice column on which it is based, the book "Ask Dr. Eldritch Volume #1 Are Aliens Eating My Crackers?," the Ask Dr. Eldritch Newsletter, and the Ask Dr. Eldritch Low-Orbital Space Station, Theme Park and Luxury Resort*:  Welcome!  You have the good fortune of experiencing all these things for the first time.  I hope you enjoy exploring the Eldritchverse!

There are only a few things you need to know to get you started.  The source of these letters is the legendary Dr. Eldritch, an ex-vampire-killer turned advice columnist, who addresses the problems of superheroes, mythical creatures, arch-villains, international secret agents, and ordinary people caught in extraordinary circumstances.  Those who listen to his uncommon-sense advice usually live to see their next adventure.  Those who don't heed his counsel often aren't around long enough for regrets.  Tragic, but all the more ice cream for the rest of us.

Those of you who are familiar with Dr. Eldritch and the ever-growing works by and about him:  Welcome back!  The rest of my message for you can be read using your Ask Dr. Eldritch Decoder Ring:

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To all of my Readers, Thank You for Encouraging my Behavior!

-Evan Nichols

March, 2011

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*Still in development

THE ADVICE

Dear Dr. Eldritch,

I've recently returned from an archeological dig in Egypt, and I fear for my life.

I was present as our team opened an ancient tomb with wondrous artifacts, including an intact sarcophagus that contained a mummified pharaoh.  As per International Antiquities Law, all relics were cataloged and removed from the tomb to keep them from falling prey to looters.  I worried not a whit about this at the time, but then an associate was killed under mysterious circumstances.  The rest of us thought that was just bad luck.  The second death seemed a tragic coincidence.  When the third colleague was found strangled in a locked study, I became alarmed.

The authorities are engaging in a conventional investigation, which has proven fruitless.  We all scoffed when one of our fellows suggested that perhaps the mummy could be to blame.  We ventured to the museum to allay his fears, and the awkward thing is that the mummy is no longer there, and cannot be accounted for.  I'm not the sort to believe in ancient curses, but no alternate explanation presents itself convincingly.  Some of the servants said that you might be able to offer advice.

—Nigel Featherstone-Smythe in London

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Dear Nigel,

The only certainty is that your servants have a betting pool on your lifespan.  If you're a gambling man, bet heavily on your survival.  If you lose, you won't miss the money.

When you were small, your governess probably told you that monsters were just poppycock, so you studied Latin instead of wasting time learning about werewolves, vampires, reanimated corpses or (your current problem) mummies.  Here are the basics of what you need to know:

You violated a mummy's tomb.  He can't tell, and doesn't care, what your intentions were.  He's been pickled, wrapped, and buried for a few thousand years.  Don't expect him to be too discriminating.  All he knows is that a transgression occurred, and everyone responsible must die.

You can run, but you cannot escape.  Mummies are relentless shambling juggernauts of vengeance.  You could cross oceans, flee to the remotest locations, and keep moving for the rest of your life, but he'll follow to the figurative ends of the earth.  Which raises an interesting question:  Nobody in an orbiting space station has ever been killed by a mummy, but astronauts so rarely have that second career that brings them into ancient tombs.  Are you willing to take up permanent residence in the international space station, so we can find out whether a mummy could successfully pursue a victim into space?  I thought not.  Pity.

Since you can't escape, you'll have to fight.  This isn't as hard as you might think.  Despite recent cinematic liberties, mummies aren't nimble resurrections of the living, eager to pick up where they left off with conquests of power and hot babes.  He just wants to kill you, then go have a good multi-millennium lie-down.  This makes him predictable, and you can use that to your advantage.

First, procure a flame thrower (if you don't know where to get one, ask the servants).  Then find a remote location that won't be hurt by fire, about one hundred meters in diameter should do.  Set up some flood lights to cover the entire area.  Ring the perimeter with small bells on trip wires, so no one can shuffle into the circle without hitting the wires.  See where this is going?

You stay in the circle until you hear the bells ring.  Hit the lights.  Your mummy will be illuminated, stumbling toward you in dutiful expectation of post-violation vengeance, and you blast him with the flame thrower.

Most people make the mistake of trying to shoot a mummy.  Unfortunately, the ballistic effects that make bullets so devastating on living flesh are negligible on the desiccated undead.  In the time it takes to empty a clip into him, he's got his hands around his victim's throat, and Team Mummy racks up another win.  Fire is different.  He's been soaked in embalming fluid, wrapped in rags and dried for millennia.  He's a walking human cremation kit.  You could do the job with a disposable lighter, but you don't want to get that personal.  So set him alight from a distance, and keep out of arm's reach until the last of his ashen remains are but a whisper on the wind.

I know this is all very upsetting for you, but mummies are one of your easiest supernatural entities to combat.  They're slow, simple, and highly flammable.  Stay calm, and you'll make it through this ordeal (and win some spending money to boot)!

Good luck, and let me know how it comes out!

-Dr. Eldritch

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Dear Dr. Eldritch,

I've predicted the apocalyptic destruction of the world 173 times incorrectly, but this time I'm sure I'm right!  I know when the world is going to end!  We need to tell everybody!

I admit, every other time I've predicted the end of the world, my prophetic sense was always off.  In 1993, I had a vision of every continent being flooded by a huge wave of something sticky and sweet.  Like honey.  I know, that didn't happen.  Back on January 1, 2000, I was convinced that our doom was not massive computer failure, but a swarm of Winged Gophers From Space that would overwhelm everyone on the planet.  In hindsight, it seems a little silly, but that's what I got.  Once again, nada.  Last year, all omens indicated that a super-dense black hole would be caused by the proliferation of televised award shows, and the entire solar system would be sucked into it.  I tried to get the networks to cancel, but for some reason, nobody took me seriously.

Which is a big problem now, because I've just received my clearest premonition yet!  On April 13, 2029, a man named M. Enfour is going to engulf the world in fire and smoke!  Billions will perish!  We must start preparing now to prevent this disaster!  You seem the best, most credible source to distribute this warning.  So please, help me save the world!

—Bob the Prophet

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Dear Bob the Prophet,

This may come as a shock to you, Bob, but your predictions may not have been as far off base as you think.  Normally I don't tell people this, but I believe you and my readers can handle the truth:  The world is almost always lurching toward an apocalypse of one sort or another.  The planet and its inhabitants are threatened with destruction on a regular basis.  So it's possible that every one of your predictions were correct, and only the determined actions of brave men, women and other beings have averted each and every global catastrophe so far.

Remember a few years ago, when the largest Coronal Mass Ejection from the sun in over nine million years threatened to burn everybody to a crisp?  No, you don't.  Because the Belgian Space Directorate launched a huge reflective shield into orbit to block the rays just in time.  The public was told it was an eclipse.  Think back; you remember an eclipse, don't you?

Of course, the authorities aren't always the ones to respond.  In 2003, creatures from a minor dimension were poised to pour through a huge array of interdimensional portals, to slaughter wantonly and take any survivors as slaves.  They were stopped by a rag-tag band of wannabe adventurers, who heroically fought—and some died—to save a world that had no idea it was in danger.  That didn't make the news at all.  (Well, a couple of periodicals picked it up, but they're the world-news outlets that tend to run headlines like Psychic Space Alien Weds Siamese-Twin Bigfoots!  Nobody took them seriously.)

The point, Bob, is that those home-grown heroes became aware of a problem, and instead of merely telling people about it, or hoping that someone else would fix it, they did something.  Consider a more active role in your world-saving efforts.  Next time you're aware of impending doom, get out there and stop it.  Sure, warn people if you like, but most people don't want to know about it.  It's the lucky few who first learn of the danger who need to take the bull by the reins and save the world.

You don't think you're qualified?  Last year in Topeka, two shoe salesmen, a kindergarten teacher and an exotic dancer who goes by the name Amber Light prevented the world from being downed in peach-flavored goo.  I'm sure they didn't feel qualified, but when the world needed them, they stepped up to the plate and threw that Hail Mary pass to win the game.  That's what I'm talking about, Bob.

As for Mr. M. Enfour, scientists are aware of the issue, but they're more concerned about a thousand-yard-wide asteroid heading to intersect with the Earth's path in 2880.  I'm not saying that they've got a betting