The Accidental Adventures of Onion O'Brien: The Head of Ned Belly

By Jason Byrne and Oisin McGann

Onion O'Brien is in trouble – again! This time he and the rest of the Five O's are trying to stop the destruction of the Valley, the local waste ground where they hang out. But Mayor Ronald Bump has other ideas – he wants to build new apartments, and he sets local guards The Ferg and Judge on the children.
As if things weren't bad enough, there's a new teacher who's acting very suspiciously. The Five O's can find out his secret if they manage to win the school talent contest. There's only one problem – they are completely talentless.
Then there's the discovery of the head of Ned Belly, and the local legend that claims he had hidden treasure …
Will the Five O's manage to outwit The Ferg and Judge, and Ronald Bump, and the new teacher, and solve the mystery of the head of Ned Belly, and save their precious Valley?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Gill Books
• Release date: Sep 27, 2019
• ISBN: 9780717187959

Jason Byrne

Jason Byrne is one of Ireland’s best-loved comedians. He is consistently the biggest-selling act at the Edinburgh Fringe, and sells out venues across America, Australia, the Middle East, Europe and Asia. He has many television credits to his name, including Ireland's Got Talent and Last One Laughing Ireland.

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE:

—

THE BATTLE OF THE BIG LEAK

The four kids were not going to let this happen. The Valley was their place. The Big Leak was their stream. Onion, Sive, Dallan and Clíona had been coming here since they were slightly younger kids. This wild, rough spot, hidden among the trees, held a special place in their hearts. It was a place away from the grown-ups and their rules. The builders, with all their big machines and plans, were not going to turn it into another boring block of apartments.

This would be a moment that would go down in the history of Ballinlud. It would be an epic battle, like in The Avengers or Star Wars or . . . Coronation Street.

There was a high, grassy bank separating the road from the Valley, the sheltered strip of wasteland that ran along either side of the Big Leak. The builders were going to dig out that bank so they could move their machines in and start laying foundations for the apartment block. Their vehicles were already parked along the side of the road as they waited for the digger driver to plough into the bank that blocked their way.

Sive O’Connor, Dallan Okoye, Clíona O’Hare and Onion O’Brien were the four core members of the gang they called the Five O’s. Derek, Onion’s older brother, was officially the fifth member, but he always objected to being included, saying he wasn’t part of ‘their stupid gang’.

The core four Five O’s came running along the bank and scrambled down in front of the JCB as its engine started with a rumbling growl. Onion linked arms with Sive, who did the same with Dallan, who hooked his arm into Clíona’s.

Together, they faced the digger as the driver peered through his windscreen at them. The foreman, the boss whose head was so big that his hard hat looked like a kid’s party hat, turned to stare at them.

‘This is it!’ Onion said in a shaky voice. ‘They’re not getting through. Right, guys?’

‘Damn right! This is for the Valley!’ Sive said, her face set in a determined expression as she chomped down on the gum she always had in her mouth.

‘THE DIGGER IS RUBBISH! THE BUILDER IS BAAAAAD! SAVE THE BIG LEAK! WOOOOO AAAAAGH!’

Dallan and Clíona took up the chant. Then Onion, trying his best to remember it, joined in too.

‘THE DIGGER IS RUBBISH! THE BUILDER IS BAAAAAD! SAVE THE BIG LEAK! WOOOOO AAAAAGH!’

Over and over they chanted, feeling a little bit braver each time. The builders started coming closer. The four kids chanted louder, looking as defiant as they could.

‘Get out of there, ye little guzzers!’ the foreman bellowed, striding towards them. ‘Go on, get out of it, before one of you gets killed and I have to call yer mammies!’

He sounded really annoyed. The four members of the Five O’s fell silent, trembling, but still they stood their ground. The foreman fixed his party-hat helmet and held his belly with both hands. He glared at them, furious, and pulled out his phone.

‘That’s it,’ he said in a low, serious voice. ‘If I can’t talk sense into you, I’m goin’ to have to call . . . the guards.’

The way he said it was a bit like a pirate. It sounded like he was telling them they had to walk . . . the plank. Onion looked at his friends, who all looked back at him. This had been Onion’s idea. He had led them here. He knew that if he stayed, they’d all stay. Not because he was the leader or anything, but because he was the weakest link in the chain. His nerve was always the first to break. But he swore that wouldn’t happen this time.

‘We’re not breaking the law,’ Clíona muttered, straightening the headband that framed her long face. ‘This is the public part of the road. They can’t do anything to us.’

Clíona had looked this up before they came out. She was good at that sort of stuff. Dallan, who was good at talking to grown-ups, looked the foreman in the eye.

‘Believe me, gentlemen, we’re just the point of the spear. Don’t start something that you can’t finish,’ he said firmly. ‘You don’t want to bring the guards into this. The best thing would be to just turn around and go on your way. You mess with us, you mess with the whole of Ballinlud!’

The foreman made a show of looking around.

‘That’s funny, ’cos I don’t see the whole of Ballinlud here,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘I only see four kids with uppity notions. I think I’m just goin’ to call . . . the guards.’

Using his free hand, Onion pushed his glasses up his nose. They tended to slip down when he was sweaty, and he tended to get sweaty when he was terrified. He had an eyepatch over his left eye because his right eye was wonky. To stop it being lazy, the doctor had decided to cover up the good one. This still made no sense to Onion, because he could never get his right eye to do what he wanted, especially when he was under stress.

He was under a lot of stress now. His eye turned in towards his nose and stayed there, ignoring the frantic orders from his brain. His long, thin, white legs felt as if they were made of spaghetti. He felt his chest tighten. Grabbing the inhaler that dangled on a cord around his neck, he took a blast of it, because his lungs didn’t work well under stress either. His breathing was coming in little squeaks now.

The foreman had clearly decided that Onion was the easiest target. With big, dramatic movements, he dialled a number on his phone and held it to his ear, his face taking on that distant look you get when you’re waiting for a call to connect. He raised his eyebrows and leaned down towards Onion, as if someone had just answered.

‘Hello, is that . . . the guards?’ He gave a smile of satisfaction, and then put on a concerned expression. ‘Yes, I have a very serious situation here. A bunch of lunatics are about to attack myself and my crew. If they do, I’m pretty sure it’s straight to jail for them, am I right in saying that? What’s that? Oh yes, they’re armed!’

‘Armed? What does that mean? I have two arms, is that bad?’ Onion said to the others, his panic rising.

‘Oh yes, they have sticks and all sorts,’ the foreman continued. ‘Please hurry, we’re so frightened . . . and there’s one boy in particular I need you to take care of.’

The foreman paused and stared down at Onion.

‘A ginger kid with glasses and an eyepatch, odd wheezing noises coming out of him,’ he said. ‘He’s a real problem. I think . . . I think you’re going to have to bring the van especially designed for horrible children for this one. He’s the leader.’

‘The van especially designed for horrible children?’ Onion gasped, not sure what he was hearing. He was crumbling, fast.

‘Onion, don’t . . .’ Sive started to say.

‘But he said . . .’

‘Don’t mind what he said! Onion, don’t . . .’

Onion’s nerve couldn’t last a second longer. He turned and ran for it, bolting up the bank, down the other side and sprinting for the trees further along the stream.

‘Don’t take me away in the van especially designed for horrible children!’ he howled as he ran.

The others broke formation and came belting after him. The epic Battle of the Big Leak was over . . . And they had lost.

CHAPTER TWO:

—

THE LEGEND OF NED BELLY

Once they’d made it back to the small woods at the other end of the Valley, the four Five O’s slowed down to a walk. Nobody said a thing. They were too disappointed in themselves. Behind them, they could hear the sounds of the JCB engine revving up. Was this it, then? Was this the end of the Valley?

By unspoken agreement, they were heading back to Onion’s house. Onion lived with his granny and grandad, his little sister Molly and his older brother Derek, the fifth Five O. It was a pretty laid-back house, as Granny Mary and Grandad Paddy had raised their own kids back in the 1980s, when things were a little different.

Parenting was a bit sloppier in those days, when children would be allowed to wander off from a fairly young age. It would just be assumed they’d gone to a friend’s house or something. Their mam or dad might start to ask questions if they didn’t come back for dinner, but otherwise, as long as they were alive and conscious and didn’t need a hospital, there was no cause for concern. Issued with the traditional warning, ‘If you break your leg, don’t come running to me,’ they were held responsible for their own safety, and that was that.

Top 5 Things You Could Get Away With in the ’80s

1. Wandering off for miles in all directions like wildebeest migrating across the plains of the housing estates, only to return before dark

2. Punching holes in milk-bottle lids left at people’s doorsteps, taking a free drink, then blaming it on the birds and their beaks

3. Not going to Mass by finding out the priest’s name from your mates and making sure not to return home too early in case it was a slow priest, and not everyone’s favourite: a speedy-talking priest

4. Taking a Club Milk bar from the bikky cupboard, unwrapping it carefully, removing the bar, folding the wrapping back into its original shape, then placing it back in the bikky cupboard and hey presto! No one knows you ate a chocolate bar before dinner . . . until Grandad tries the same trick

5. Not buying your big brother Derek a birthday present, instead adding ‘and Onion’ after ‘From Granny and Grandad’ to the present tag

This complete lack of supervision on their grandparents’ part meant Onion and Derek had a lot of freedom. For this reason, their house was the base of operations for the Five O’s. Sive, Dallan and Clíona could get away with much more here than they could in their own homes.

You might wonder why Onion, along with his brother and sister, lived with their grandparents instead of their mother and father. The fact of the matter was, their parents had disappeared some years before, in mysterious circumstances.

But that is another story for another time.

Even though Onion and Derek did wonder sometimes, it had nothing to do with Granny Mary and Grandad Paddy being careless parents. Molly, their sister, was only little, and still needed a bit of attention.

Molly was on the floor playing with Lego when Onion and the others trudged in the back door to the kitchen. Granny was doing battle with something covered in fat, boiling the jaypers out of it in a big pot. Even though whatever it was had died long ago, she was struggling to keep it in as the whole thing started to boil over.

Onion wasn’t watching where he was going as he came in and he kicked over Molly’s creation, which was either a multi-coloured tree, a frozen explosion or a fairy castle. It skated across the floor and smashed against the wall behind Grandad, who was sitting at the table, hidden behind his newspaper as usual. Onion gasped in horror as he saw the Lego creation smash into pieces. Granny put her hand to her mouth and then came the sound of a long, in-drawn breath. Sive hurriedly pulled her hearing aids from her ears. Even Grandad noticed, dropping his paper slightly, his eyes going wide.

Molly let rip with her scream . . .

Top 5 Things