The Family Freeloader: A Biblical Answer For Sob Stories, Con Games, And Never Having To Get Off The Couch

By Sister Renee Pittelli

We're all familiar with the stereotypical freeloading relative. He's usually depicted in the movies as an able-bodied but unkempt bum, who lives with mom or a more responsible sibling, refuses to get a job, and spends his days lying on the sofa, drinking beer, getting potato chips all over the carpet, and watching cartoon marathons. But in real life, few family freeloaders are so obvious.

OUR freeloaders are professionals. They're subtle. They're versatile. They run complicated scams and convoluted cons on us. They always have their antennae up for any little clue they might find useful. Like the predators they are, they're constantly sizing us up to see what they can get out of us. They're looking for personality traits they can use against us, like gullibility, kindness, a trusting nature, or a soft heart. Even our pride is useful to them-because then they can employ flattery, or "gratitude," to get what they want.

If you're susceptible to guilt, it makes you an easy target. If you're a sympathetic person, quick to feel sorry for those who are going through tough times, or if you easily empathize with others, then you're an even better target. If you're concerned about other people's opinions and want everybody to think you're nice, that's like a flashing neon "Sucker" sign over your head. To a con man, if you have trouble saying "No," that's a sign of weakness which he can exploit. If we're efficient, or pride ourselves on being "problem-solvers," then the freeloader will give us a problem to solve for him. If we have a "rescuer" mentality, our freeloader will help us satisfy those urges. Freeloaders and con men are looking for "people pleasers."

Is it important to you to give others the impression that you're a "good Christian?" Or to prove to YOURSELF that you're a good Christian? We presume that "good" Christians give to charity, but how do you define "charity?" Do you think you have to give to every hard luck case who asks? Does your chronically unemployed cousin qualify as a legitimate charity cause in your mind? Would it make you a "bad" Christian to say "No" to the sister-in-law who constantly imposes on you? If you equate agreeing to every request anybody ever asks of you, or giving money to every person who seems to need it, with being a "good" Christian, then once a freeloader gets a hold of you, you're in for a long night........

Written with humor, wisdom, and a healthy dose of common sense, The Family Freeloader teaches us 21 Ways To Spot A Con, the various ploys that freeloaders use to scam money or favors out of us, how they observe and test us, and which personality traits make us seem like easy prey. We will systematically debunk their most common sob stories and surprisingly sneaky tactics, study what the Bible REALLY says about giving to the poor vs. supporting a bum, and learn step-by-step effective strategies for letting go of the guilt and saying "No" to our family freeloaders. This book is an invaluable lesson for all kind-hearted, generous folks who love their families, on how to avoid being taken advantage of by the unscrupulous among us.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Outskirts Press
• Release date: Mar 5, 2015
• ISBN: 9781478755517

Sister Renee Pittelli

Award-winning author Sister Renee Pittelli is an Adult Child Recovery Mentor, victim’s advocate, and the founder and executive director of Luke 17:3 Ministries for adult children of abusive, controlling or abandoning families. She has written extensively about family and church-family abusers, narcissists, psychopaths and their Silent Partners, judgmental phony “Christians,” the biblical perspective on abuse, boundaries and confrontation, biblical myths such as forgiveness without repentance and honoring abusers, recognizing the children of the devil who disguise themselves as fellow believers, divorcing reprobates, maintaining No Contact, and living the life of freedom and peace our Heavenly Father intended for us.

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The opinions expressed in this manuscript are solely the opinions of the author and do not represent the opinions or thoughts of the publisher. The author has represented and warranted full ownership and/or legal right to publish all the materials in this book.

The Family Freeloader

A Biblical Answer For Sob Stories, Con Games, And Never Having To Get Off The Couch

All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2009 Sister Renee Pittelli

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Cover Photo © 2009 JupiterImages Corporation. All rights reserved - used with permission.

This book may not be reproduced, transmitted, or stored in whole or in part by any means, including graphic, electronic, or mechanical without the express written consent of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Scripture quotations identified KJV are taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

Pertaining to Scripture quotations identified NKJV:

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Pertaining to Scripture quotations identified NIV:

Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Pertaining to Scripture quotations identified NASB:

Scripture taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE, Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

Pertaining to Scripture quotations identified NLT:

Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, Copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, IL 60189. All rights reserved.

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ISBN: 9781478755517

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PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Dedicated to the Loves of My Life

My Husband Frank

And My Sons

Frankie and Vinnie

With Much Love and Gratitude for

Your Support, Encouragement, Loyalty, and Caring,

And The Joy You Give To Me Each And Every Day

*** Disclaimer: In reading this book, you certify that you understand and agree that the author is not a professional counselor, but just an ordinary woman who loves the Lord and hopes that her experiences and testimonies can be used to help others. Professional counseling with your pastor or therapist and prayer for wisdom from the Lord is strongly urged before making any decisions concerning your own personal relationships. Whatever the author writes is strictly her own personal opinion and testimony and not intended to give or offer any advice. The ideas in this book are not intended to take the place of professional counseling. The testimonies discussed in this book are composites of many different testimonies. All names and identifying details mentioned have been changed, and any resemblance to any locations, organizations, persons or characters, real or fictional, living or deceased, is entirely coincidental and unintentional. Therefore, the author and the publisher accept no responsibility for any inaccuracies or omissions and specifically disclaim any liability, loss, risk, damage, or injury, personal or otherwise, caused directly or indirectly, by the contents of this book.

Table of Contents

Introduction

1. The Conniving Schnorrer - Taking Sponging Off Others to a New Level

2. Wangling Invitations, Showing Up Empty-Handed, and Never Inviting You Back

3. Brother Matt and the Family Summer Home

4. When Do I Get to Have a Life? Sister Carly’s Story

5. Professional Parasites - Jack and Rhonda

6. The Schnorrer Tag Team - Doug and Marsha

7. Sherman and Daisy Prove There’s More Than One Way to Skin a Cat

8. Stephanie’s Story: When Your Kid ThinksFifty Thousand Dollars Is Chump Change

9. The Emotional Blackmailer - Nasty Cousin Patty

10. No Good Deed Goes Unpunished - Uncle Billy

11. Saint Rina Wants to Do YOU a Favor - Just Don’t Trip Over the Strings!

12. Sister Nicole’s Story: Just When You ThinkYou’ve Heard It All....

13. You Have a Standing Invitation to the Sociopath’s Pity PartyLucky You

14. The Entitlement Mindset of the Narcissist

15. 21 Ways to Spot a Con

16. What Does the Bible Say About Giving to the Poorversus Supporting a Bum?

17. Learning to Let It Go In One Ear and Out the Other

Epilogue: Nanny Goat, Nanny Goat

Introduction

THE SLUGGARD WILL NOT PLOW BY REASON OF THE COLD; THEREFORE SHALL HE BEG IN HARVEST, AND HAVE NOTHING….Proverbs 20:4 KJV.

We’re all familiar with the stereotypical freeloading relative. He’s usually depicted in the movies as an able-bodied but unkempt bum, who lives with mom or a more responsible sibling, refuses to get a job, and spends his days lying on the sofa, drinking beer, getting potato chips all over the carpet, and watching cartoon marathons. But in real life, few family freeloaders are so obvious. If only it were that simple to recognize the family freeloader, then we might be spared the conflict and guilt of kicking him out on his own to sink or swim. It would just be so much easier to start saying No to a blatant bum than it is to the much more talented freeloaders we usually have to deal with.

OUR freeloaders are professionals. They’re subtle. They’re versatile. They run complicated scams and convoluted cons on us. They always have their antennae up for any little clue they might find useful. Like the predators they are, they’re constantly sizing us up to see what they can get out of us. They’re looking for personality traits they can use against us, like gullibility, kindness, a trusting nature, or a soft heart. Even our pride is useful to them-because then they can employ flattery, or gratitude, to get what they want.

If you’re susceptible to guilt, it makes you an easy target. If you’re a sympathetic person, quick to feel sorry for those who are going through tough times, or if you easily empathize with others, then you’re an even better target. If you’re concerned about other people’s opinions and want everybody to think you’re nice, that’s like a flashing neon Sucker sign over your head. To a con man, if you have trouble saying No, that’s a sign of weakness which he can exploit. If we’re efficient, or pride ourselves on being problem-solvers, then the freeloader will give us a problem to solve for him. If we have a rescuer mentality, our freeloader will help us satisfy those urges. Freeloaders and con men are looking for people pleasers.

Is it important to you to give others the impression that you’re a good Christian? Or to prove to YOURSELF that you’re a good Christian? We presume that good Christians give to charity, but how do you define charity? Do you think you have to give to every hard luck case who asks? Does your chronically unemployed cousin qualify as a legitimate charity cause in your mind? Would it make you a bad Christian to say No to the sister-in-law who constantly imposes on you? If you equate agreeing to every request anybody ever asks of you or giving money to every person who seems to need it with being a good Christian, then once a freeloader gets a hold of you, you’re in for a long night.

Are you under the impression that you always have to help other people out, or you might not get to heaven? The Bible tells us, FOR IT IS BY GRACE YOU HAVE BEEN SAVED, THROUGH FAITH-AND THIS IS NOT FROM YOURSELVES, IT IS THE GIFT OF GOD-NOT BY WORKS, SO THAT NO ONE CAN BOAST….Ephesians 2:8-9 NIV. Only God’s grace gets you into heaven, because of your faith. You can’t earn your way in by doing good deeds. Saving you is something GOD does for you, not something you do for yourself. You don’t get the credit for it, no matter WHAT you do. God is the only one who deserves the credit, and the thanks, for getting you into heaven.

Now, that is not to say that, as Christians, we should not do good works; however, GOD chooses the works for us to do, NOT MAN. And HE will tell us where he wants us to allocate the time, money, and abilities he has blessed us with. Ephesians continues: FOR WE ARE GOD’S WORKMANSHIP, CREATED IN CHRIST JESUS TO DO GOOD WORKS, WHICH GOD PREPARED IN ADVANCE FOR US TO DO….Ephesians 2:10 NIV. Of course, we want to be generous with our resources, but we’re also supposed to be good stewards of what God gave us. That means we have to pick and choose, because we can’t give to everyone, and we’re not required to give to everyone. Do you really believe there’s any possibility at all that God FOREORDAINED you to perpetually support your brother, who refuses to GET A JOB like everybody else? Is THAT what God intended to be your life’s work? Is THAT what he prepared in advance for you to do? I don’t think so. I’m sure God has bigger fish for you to fry.

But, you say, My brother is NOT a freeloader! He only BORROWED the money! Oh, really? And how many times did you have to ask for it back? Have you even GOTTEN it back yet? Sorry to burst your bubble, but if your brother didn’t repay you, in a reasonable amount of time and without you having to ask, then HE’S A FREELOADER!

If you LOAN somebody something, that implies that they’ll return it. ASAP- not a year or two down the road. Borrowers pay off their debts, in a timely manner, without having to be asked. Sincere, responsible borrowers tell you right up front when and how you can expect to get your money back, and they’ll make sure the time frame and payment schedule is agreeable to you, just to be certain there are no misunderstandings. They won’t object to putting your agreement in writing. And then they’ll do what they said they were going to do, without forcing you into the uncomfortable position of having to ask. Loaning money or possessions to other people is a minefield. That’s why Shakespeare warned us, Neither a borrower nor a lender be. A well-intentioned borrower treads carefully and tries very hard not to do anything that might ultimately ruin your relationship. He cares about you. The last thing he wants is for you to feel like he cheated you.

Freeloaders, on the other hand, couldn’t care less about you or your feelings. They don’t pay back anything if they can help it. At least not without making you work for it. In fact, they usually make you BEG them for it, and then they might even accuse you of nagging them. It is demeaning to have to beg, even if you’re begging for YOUR OWN money. Freeloaders know this, which is why they force you to do it. They twist the whole scenario around to where YOU’RE the one asking THEM to do YOU a favor- giving you back your money. They’re hoping you’ll feel so awkward, embarrassed, and degraded that you’ll just give up.

If we are not skilled at setting strong boundaries and enforcing them, that makes us the ideal prey. Freeloaders and con men often test us, to see how far they can go before we wise up and stop them. They’ll usually start small, asking a seemingly inconsequential favor, and seeing if you’ll agree to do it. They might make an untrue assumption about you, and observe whether you object to it, or let it slide. They might be a little pushy, maybe asking for your address and phone number when you’ve only just recently met. If you comply, it tells them that you’re more afraid of appearing rude than you are of giving your personal information to a stranger, and that you’re willing to ignore your own discomfort rather than risk hurting their feelings.

A freeloader who is sizing you up might ask you to do something that’s a little weird or off-kilter. When I was at a funeral with my husband, a casual acquaintance of his, whom I had never met before, handed me his coat, and asked me to hold it while he greeted the family of the deceased and circulated among the guests. I turned and dropped his coat over a chair, which is what he should have done in the first place. After all, I’m not the hat-check girl, and I’m not his valet. I have to greet the family and circulate, too. Why should I be dragging HIS coat around, along with mine?

A few weeks later, this same person dropped in on us unexpectedly and at dinner time, with his wife and kids. He explained that they were bored and decided to take a drive and visit people. I fought off my natural instinct to be polite and invite them in. Through the