Time Well Wasted

By Curtis O'Dell

Time Well Wasted is a first-class collection of short stories and anecdotes that just about everyone can relate to. It is written in bite-size pieces of wit and wisdom to make you smile, nod your head, and even laugh out loud.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fulton Books, Inc.
• Release date: Oct 17, 2022
• ISBN: 9781639859030

Book preview

Contents

Introduction

Minding My Manners

Three Day Camp

Aunt Sarah

The Detour

This Really Happened

No Shooting the Camper

The Young Raven

Full of Stuff

The Cat and the Rabbit

Baby Talk

Aunt Bobby or Aunt Bobbie?

Cream Puff

They Call It Football

The Value of Paper Towels

A Simple Home-Cooked Meal

The Copperhead Incident

Roughing It

Lucky Me

The Copperhead Incident No. 2

The Ball Pitcher

A Pretty Good Night

Ole Slick and Dim Wit

The Million-Dollar Body

Missing the Point

Lucky John

Grandpaw and the Dentist

The Principal’s Foreign Letter

Fighting Henry

Bad Luck Henry

Introduction

I have a beautiful life’s partner in Stella. She is kind, loving, honest, and supportive. She is also my best critic. Not wishing to burden her with the humiliation or embarrassment of my humor, I have created a fictitious wife. I have named this unfortunate person Miss Maudie Mae McMahan.

I also have a fictitious girlfriend. Her name is Helena Hornswaggle. Neither of these is very smart nor attractive, but they serve a useful purpose. I will describe them later. Any other characters mentioned will also be fictitious. I hope you enjoy them all.

My girlfriend, Miss Helena Hornswaggle, has the hair of a fallen goddess Medusa.

Her face is that of a highland gorilla.

She has the body of a tadpole.

When she is walking away, it looks like she is swimming upstream.

Miss Maudie Mae also has the body of a tadpole.

The difference being she has it upside down.

She has the sweetness of a fallen angel Satan.

Her smile is…how can I describe it?

Would you by chance remember what a 1953 Buick looked like with the grill missing?

Minding My Manners

I went to church the other day. I haven’t done that for some time. I took a seat about three rows from the back. They sang a few songs. One of them was vaguely familiar to me. Everyone sang except me, but I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sing.

They passed the plate around. By the time it got to me, there was only a few dollars in it. I wanted to mind my manners, so I only took out three or four dollars. I wanted to be sure and leave some for the others behind me…but next time, I’m going to sit further up toward the front.

When two police officers came to the front door, Miss Maudie Mae said he’s in the kitchen. They said they were just needing directions. She said come on in and turn left.

A little girl asked her mother where do little girls come from? Her mother answered with a soft sweet voice, Little girls come from God. Oh, said the little girl. So now I know where little boys come from.

Men and women are much alike. They are wonderful when fresh, but don’t keep them around too long—they spoil quickly.

Never squander away your retirement money. That’s what we have grandchildren for.

She to He: I dreamed about you last night.

He to She: What was the best part?

She to He: When I woke up.

The space capsule in deep outer space calling Houston: Houston, we have a problem. The new guy answers the phone, Hellow, this is Claude. Houston is on the other line talking to his grandson. I’ll put you on hold. Thank you for calling. Your call is very important to us.

Miss Helena Hornswaggle said she had a headache. I wasn’t surprised…people usually hurt in their weakest spot.

Three Day Camp

I had an interesting camping trip I want to share with you.

I went on a three-day and three-night camping trip. It was a solo trip in the forest.

I took my tent, extra clothing, rain gear, and enough food to last…correction: I thought I took enough food. Actually, I didn’t take any food at all. I forgot to put it in the truck. It’s still sitting in the driveway at home.

I pitched the tent. That means I set up the tent. Built a fire wall of rocks. Built a nice fire. Not sorrowing about not having no food. I could look for something to eat tomorrow. Tonight I would enjoy the campfire. There’s something relaxing about an open campfire.

After about an hour, a large black bear came into camp. He stood about five feet from me, looked me over real good, and went to the campfire sniffing all the rocks of the fire ring. Next, he stuck his head inside the tent, sniffed some more, then came back to me, shook his head, and went back into the woods.

A short time later, he came back again…bringing a rabbit he had caught. Walked over to the fire ring, laid down the rabbit, and sat down.

I cooked the rabbit, we ate it, and the bear left.

The next evening about the same time, the bear came back bringing another rabbit for our supper. Again, I cooked it, we ate it, and he left. I wondered if he was going to bring another rabbit tomorrow night.

Sure enough, the next evening about the same time, here came the bear with our supper…but it wasn’t a rabbit this time. Apparently, the rabbit had gotten away. What the bear brought for us to eat was the dog that was chasing the rabbit.

On our way home from a party, the cops pulled me over for crossing the center line three times. When they asked if they could search the car, Miss Helena Hornswaggle spoke up.

You can search all you want to, you won’t find anything. He’s already smoked and drank up all the evidence.

When the man found no newspaper beside his chair, he asked, Where is my newspaper? His wife answered, It’s raining so hard I thought I’d wait for the sun to bring it in. He said, "It’s supposed to rain all day. What sun are you