I Saw an Angel in the Stone and I Carved to Set it Free

By Doug Whitener

    The imagery of a sculptor chipping away to free an angel from the stone suggests the idea that children have "miraculous human" qualities that can be released if a sculptor takes the time to free the child. In this book Doug Whitener asserts that parents and teachers are the lead sculptors who can help free children to live meaningful and responsible lives.    Mr. Whitener draws upon forty-five years of experience as a parent and as an educator to outline key child guidance ideas. The reader is treated to over forty stories that illustrate principles from real life events in homes and schools.    The near death experiences Mr. Whitener has had with cancer have caused him to celebrate every moment he has had as an educator of children. In each chapter the reader is invited to pause and reflect about his or her opportunities to appreciate childhood and to help children "Strengthen their Wings." Key child development concepts in the book include the following:* unconditional love* critical learning activities* empathy development and relationship building* responsibilities, empowerment, and child uniqueness* family mission statement Key child discipline concepts in the book include the following:* understanding yourself as an adult, positive modeling, and support systems* defining discipline as a teaching-learning process focused upon the development of inner discipline* determining expectations, teaching expectations, and building competencies* understanding the purpose of misbehavior* meaningful logical consequences* restorative justice* the intensive-care child This book is a must-read for parents, teachers, guidance counselors, school psychologists, family therapists, and school principals. "This amazing resource not only supports parents and teachers with numerous fantastic strategies to effectively provide discipline and love to students; it is written through Doug's remarkable life experiences. You will learn how to successfully incorporate respectful, solution-oriented approaches to challenges faced in the classroom and home. You'll discover the power of fundamental principles of child discipline through frequent real-world examples—ready for immediate application. You'll finish the book feeling like you have just gained valuable advice from a parent and educator who knows exactly how it feels to be the Dad, Mom, and or teacher in today's world."--Rick Harris, Director, Northern Nevada/Tahoe Leadership AcademyFormer Deputy Superintendent of Washoe County School District "Every page of this book expresses the author's optimism, belief in and appreciation for the good all children possess, and the importance of discipline as a teaching/learning process. I encourage parents, teachers, guidance counselors, school psychologists, family therapists and school counselors to invest the time to read this vital book. We can be hopeful that the kindness, wisdom, and sensibility of his words are embodied in schools and homes across the country."--Meggin McIntosh, PhDThe PhD of ProductivityEmphasis on Excellence, Inc.Reno, NV   https://meggin.com

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Aug 1, 2019
• ISBN: 9781684562893

Book preview

Chapter One

Strengthening Wings: Love and Appreciation

It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.

—Frederick Douglas

Over the past sixty years I have planted hundreds of plants and trees with limited success. One thing I can say, however, is that my success rate has increased with experience. I have learned that if I have a plan to control for water, sunlight, temperature, weed and fertilizer needs, my success rate goes way up. I believe that the same type of concern for basics can easily be applied to child-rearing. If parents and teachers have a plan and a commitment to provide their children with the important essentials necessary for healthy childhood growth and development, the chances of these children leading responsible and productive lives are greatly increased. In this chapter I will discuss the two elements of child-rearing that I consider to be of the utmost importance in our efforts to help our children blossom as independent and responsible adults. These elements include:

Unconditional love

Appreciating the miracle of learning

I. Unconditional love

If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.

—Mother Teresa

I will love you when you are good, and I will love you when you are bad. What a powerful statement this is! It is also a statement that needs to be communicated by parents and teachers to children on a routine basis. Whether an adult actually says this magical statement or gives his son a hug after he spilled his soup on the floor, is of no importance. The main idea here is that unconditional love must be communicated to children in good and bad times. In his book, Parenting from the Heart (2012), Jack Pransky comments, "What our children feel from us at the moment is the only thing that really matters." The author is basically saying that our actions, words, and posturing convey a message to the child that greatly influences future responses by the child. One would hope that the message of love is always present in these parent/child communications even though feelings of disappointment and anger may appear from time to time. Accepting the fact that parents and teachers are human beings who sometimes let emotions get the best of them, it is very reassuring to know that the loving, postdisciplinary talk with a child can sometimes make up for a botched discussion earlier. This recovery plan worked for me more than once.

Your thirteen-year-old daughter wants to go to a party at a new friend’s house. After doing a little checking with friends, you decide that this is not a good idea. Your denial explanation is met with some harsh words: You are a terrible parent…you keep me captive in this prison you call a house! Your gut tells you to fire back, but your mind tells you to use restraint. What will you do?

I believe the best approach in this situation would have been to say, I understand your disappointment, but I love you, and for this reason, I cannot allow you to go to this party for your own safety. Hard as it is, the harsh adolescent comments should be ignored. Expressing love even in dire circumstances is a representation of unconditional love, and it is difficult to do. In a very keen sense, unconditional love is no more than following the Judea-Christian belief that Jesus represents love and sometimes we have to turn the other cheek to some pretty bad stuff in order to uphold the principle of unconditional love. Alfie Kohn, in his book, Unconditional Parenting (2005), points out that the children of abusive parents often display unconditional love for their abusive parents under the most terrible circumstances; it seems reasonable that parents from all makes of life would provide their children unconditional love as much as possible in a similar but more understandable manner.

Homes and classrooms with unconditional love are not lacking in accountability. In these settings the behavior is judged, not the person. That is to say, if the thirteen-year-old sneaks out, she may have to be on restriction for a week, but she will not be branded as mean, disrespectful or rebellious. Focus upon the behavior has to be the mantra of the adult who faces these challenges. In all cases, the adult responses to misbehavior will vary but the communication of love must remain steadfast.

You scored above ninety on your spelling test, so you get ten dolphin dollars. This system of reinforcement for positive behavior in our schools has become the norm in most American elementary schools in the last decade. Sometimes known as PBS (positive behavior system), it is a behavior management system based upon Skinnerian principles. Sometimes this system influences student achievement and citizenship, but sometimes it does not. The staff implementing the system must make sure the rewards continue to please the children and the rewards are given on a routine basis with consistency. This PBS system has many advocates and few opponents. One antagonist of this rewards system, however, who has received quite a bit of attention in educational circles is Alfie Kohn, the author of Unconditional Parenting (2005).

In his book Kohn makes the case that parents and teachers who insist upon systematically rewarding good behavior are creating children who are driven by external rewards and not intrinsic motivation. Of greater concern, Kohn sees this overemphasis on performance rewards as creating children who have fragile self-concepts. Kohn says, "When children receive affection with strings attached, they tend to accept themselves only with strings attached." This is an alarming statement because it suggests that conditional reward systems are damaging to the mental health of our children. The children who regularly earn performance rewards become dependent on performance to maintain their self-esteem; the children who do not earn Dolphin dollars often find themselves continually in a state of low esteem.

Clearly, it is important for all teachers and parents to reflect upon their interactions with children to make sure performance expectations never get in the way of genuine, unconditional love. As a sports enthusiast, I often appreciate the love of a parent comforting his child who just lost a game just as much, if not more, than the parent who is hugging his victorious child. The message is clear: I will love you whether you win or lose, whether you go to college or join the military or whether you graduate or drop out.

Loving a child should not be a difficult thing for parents to do. For many young couples the birth of a child represents a time to care for, support, and connect with a beautiful little human being. The warm hugs, the bedtime stories, the playing catch in the backyard, and many other activities, are all experiences where true affection can be shared and enjoyed to the fullest depth of our collective soul. The Truckee River outside of my house roars in the fall, glimmers with snow in the winter, and slows to a creek in the summer, but there is one constant: it always flows. This is what unconditional love is all about: despite good and bad experiences in our lives, it must always flow.

II. Appreciating the miracle of childhood learning

Parents can accept their child’s invitation to slow down and appreciate the beauty and connection that life offers each day.

—Siegal and Hartzell 2014

The importance of learning is often discussed in very general terms, but little attention has been placed upon the miracle of learning. To use a metaphor from the sports world, we may discuss a Michael Jordan dunk shot in terms of the two points scored and the score of the game, but the beauty of this superhuman man gliding through the air ten feet above the ground should not be overlooked. We never should ignore the beauty of a basketball dunk shot, nor should we ignore the majestic beauty of childhood learning. Milestones will happen, graduations will occur and careers will evolve, but the true beauty of these processes begins with appreciation for the wonders of childhood learning and personality unfolding.

An infant says, Ma, and bells ring, calls to grandparents occur, and small family celebrations occur. Are these celebrations centered upon achievement and milestones, or are they celebrations of the miracle of learning? Probably, the answer to this question is all of the above. Let us explore the miracle of learning a little more, for this is a phenomenon we should step back and appreciate throughout our lives.

At birth, the human brain is estimated to have somewhere in the vicinity of one hundred billion neurons that are not yet connected in networks (Shore 1997). It is the connecting of these neurons that forms the basis of human learning. For the child to recognize his mother, his sense of sight, smell, and memory must connect to see a pattern. Add to this equation the physiological and symbolic use of language, and Ma is the beautiful outcome. Millions of neurons and their hairlike connectors known as dendrites have come together in a pattern to help the infant say his first word. By the time children are three, their neuron connections in certain parts of the brain have doubled or even tripled depending upon genetics and environmental exposures the child has experienced (Medina 2008). This is an incredible feat that takes place in all children and continues throughout their lives. The importance of environmental experiences in this process can never be