WTF Doc!: A Kelly Stone Adventure

By Marc Longcor

It was just supposed to be another day at the tanning salon, nursing a hangover and hitting on a stripper and her girlfriend. But a doctor with an idea to cure the world of all sickness thought it was a good idea to use alien blood and DNA for the cure. Too bad the alien has other plans. Now with a city overrun with alien monsters, a special alien response team is outnumbered and seeking help, turn to an unlikely crew of people—a crazy old man who won't die, two strippers, and a drunk in a kilt. They must come together to save the city, the doctor, and maybe the world.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Apr 6, 2020
• ISBN: 9781645848035

Book preview

I wake up to the sound of my alarm clock ringing, pounding in my head. My head hurts from drinking the night before. I have a slight hangover, and my head is killing me. The feeling of I will never drink again comes over me, but I know it won’t last long. I’ll have a drink or two later with my coffee. … Fuck, I gotta get up and open the salon.

See, I own and run a tanning salon. Stone’s Tanning is the name of it. My grandmother built the place. Where she got the money, she never told anyone. She took her secret to the grave with her. The place wasn’t much. She had it built back in the nineties when tanning was becoming more of a thing. When she passed away, she left it to me. It sat for a while, while I ran around with the army.

When I decided to come home, I fixed the place up. I spent most of the time with the basement so I could keep my second job a well-kept secret. See, I also run guns on the side. I built a secret floor to hide it, and besides me, only one other knows about it. Both businesses ran well until I couldn’t keep up with them both. So, I had to hire someone to help run the tanning salon.

So, I hired a stripper named Kate, beautiful girl with a 36-25-35 body, five ten, long legs, tanned, and very fit, like gym-every-day fit and muscular. Her hair is not too blonde and not too red, just the right amount of fire and ice you need. Her eyes are a bright green that cuts right down to your soul. I hired her because she doesn’t ask a lot of questions. She’s happy to have a job where she can study for college and make extra on the side. I pay her enough not to strip, but she still strips at night for the money and the work out pole dancing gives her.

I give her free rein around the salon. She remodeled the salon, added more rooms from my three to twelve now, and made the business better, with standing booths, spray booths, and T-shirts, tanning oils, the works.

She keeps bitching at me to fix the floor in the storage room, but she doesn’t know it’s a secret floor lift to my secret basement to a world that I can’t have her in.

I sit up on the side of my bed, moving very slowly like an old man, but I’m only thirty-five. I stand up and feel around for clothes to put on, trying to avoid any light like a vampire would. I feel for a shirt on one of my piles. I think it’s clean. I give it a good sniff, seems okay, so I put it on. Feels like one of my Hawaiian shirts. I love them. I stumble around and found a clean pair of socks. This day might not be so bad.

I slide them on and move over to a chair I keep in my room. It holds my jeans. I feel around for my belt to let me know these are the jeans to wear. While putting one leg in, I stumble, trip on the jeans, fall over, and land in a pile of beer cans that I made. I slowly put my other leg in and pull my pants up. Then I slowly make it to my feet. Well, would you look at that? I found an unopened beer. As I’m opening it, I walk out of my room and across the hall to my kitchen.

See? I told you I’d be drinking soon. Managing to make it to the fridge without killing myself, I open the door. The light burns my eyes. Not wanting to stand in the light too long, I grab the pizza box, which I have no clue how long it’s been in there, and close the door. I look around my kitchen, just enough light to see around. I place the box on top of old unopened mail and open it.

The pizza is cold, and it’s just a plain cheese pizza. I give it the old smell check. It passes, so I bite into it. Sitting here in the low-lit room, thinking to myself, What day is it? Let alone, what month? I still believe it’s 2016. Thinking, Where am I at? Bucksville, Missouri. Ah, that’s right. It’s a small town of five thousand or so. Just outside the town is my shop, a strip mall, a Lowe’s, and a Walmart. Funny location, but it gets a lot of traveling people through here on their way to Palm City.

We get a lot of people in here for tanning. Kate made this place the best place to tan. So, we get college kids over from Palm City, and all the locals come here. I finish the last three slices of pizza and my beer. I get up and walk out into the hallway, turning right and walking past grandma’s old room to the end of the hall and through the door into the staircase.

Before stepping out of the apartment, I put on my boots without falling over, and I grab my hat off the rack by the window. I look my hat over. It’s old and has been through a lot. It was given to me by someone I look up to, a father, you could say. Not only that, he’s also my business partner in the gun-running world. The old hat looks good, no patch job needed. It’s black, so it hides stains well. The sides curve up, and it’s perfectly shaped. A hat that John Wayne himself would wear. I put on the old hat and step out of the apartment into the staircase. The staircase is dark, just enough light to see but not burn my eyes out. The walls are just old white that has been there since Grandma had the place built.

The stairs themselves are nothing fancy, just old oak stairs. I make my way down and come to the secret door I made when I remodeled the place. It comes out into the storage room I made for the salon. Kate has asked me a few times if there is a second floor here. I just say there used to be and that I sealed it off to save money for the salon, and it was just dead space, not letting her know that I live up there.

I open the door by sliding the locking bolt to the side and pushing the door in. Making my way through the door, I step into the storage room. Turning and pushing the door closed, I seal the door into the wall. On this side, it just looks like a wall with a mirror and sink on it. As I’m closing it, I have to make sure to lock it. I pull up on the spout, move it left, then move it back down, and back to the right until I hear the locking bolt click into place.

With the door locked, I turn to make my way to the storage door and trip over the mop bucket and fall hard on the floor. Argh. As I lay there for a second or two, I’m thinking, I really should stop drinking. I turn over, slowly sitting up. I feel the section of the floor move up and down as I bounce on it, knowing that it’s my lift to the basement. Kate keeps bitching at me to fix this floor, not knowing what lies beneath.

I stand up slowly to make sure I don’t kill myself. Thinking, If this day gets any worse, I’ll just lose it completely and steal a beer truck. I regain my balance and walk over to the door. Light is seeping in from the bottom, lighting the room for a normal person to see. But I’m not normal. I think I’m still drunk. I open the door, and as fast as I did, I closed it even faster, yelling out Holy hell!

The light burns deep into my retinas. I wish I still had my sunglasses, but Kate put them in Jell-O.

I swear over the years our shenanigans have gotten worse. It’s nice to have someone to fuck with and them fuck with you back. I got my revenge on her. I shaved one side of her head while she was passed out on the office couch. Boy was she angry.

She hasn’t gotten even with me yet, but it’s coming. I just don’t know when.

Standing by the door with a dreaded feeling of having to go out there into the light, I look up toward one of the storage selves that have boxes of tanning goggles on it. I open a box. I can’t see what is inside. I just grab one. I really don’t care. Taking my hat off, I put on the goggles, then put my hat back on. I open the door, and I step into the hallway. Light comes pouring in from the front window and down the long hallway. The light is glaring off the white-tiled floor like it does on a bright snowy day.

The hallway is lined with doors on both sides. It kinda reminds me of the hallway from The Shining, but the walls are blue and there are no freaky twin kids at the end. I hope. I make my way down the hallway. The light gets brighter as I get closer to the front, but it’s bearable now with my new stylish sun goggles. The light reflects off the white walls here in front of the salon. Kate sure did a good job with the place.

I keep making my way to the front door. First, I have to unlock the roll down cage that I installed myself one day. Kate makes fun of me because Yes, I did install it on the inside. I was drunk, and it was raining for days. So, I just installed it on the inside. Kate has also been giving me a hard time because of the cage.

She says, This is just a tanning salon, and the cage is overkill.

But she doesn’t know that the front window and door is made from a special polyblend that Jack installed. So, they’re, well, bulletproof.

Besides, I just tell her, It’s more than a tanning salon to me, which is true.

Reaching the front door now, I unlock the cage and roll it up, then unlock the front door. My job here is finished. I turn and walk toward the back of the salon, down the long hallway, still hoping there are no creepy twin kids at the end of it. At the end of the hallway, I turn right, walking into the break room that doubles as an office.

I have a couch, a fridge, a microwave, a TV, and yes, a desk. However, the only thing I care about now is making it to the couch. It’s nothing special, just an old green couch that’s broke in just right. I walk over to the old girl, and twisting around, I let myself fall back onto the couch. I rip off the tanning goggles and blindly toss them over on the desk. I lay back, tip my hat over my eyes, and place my hands behind my head.

As I lay here, I’m slowly drifting away to sleep or death; either is actually fine with me right now.

I wonder what time it is. Did I wake up and unlock the salon too early again? Oh, well, I’ll know soon enough when Kate shows up.

Kate always comes in at eight. I really don’t care if she’s late or not. She can get away with almost anything round here with me, and she knows it. Sometimes I think she takes advantage of the freedom I give her. The friendship we’ve made over the years is unbreakable, not to mention the crush and feelings I have for her.

She and I have been through some fun times, and I’ve helped her through some rough ones. Like this one time where I just happened to be at a bar that she was at and she was on a date with some punk. Well, I just happened to see him pop some pills into a drink that he gave Kate. I rushed over, slapping the drink out of Kate’s hand and making a scene.

Kate was yelling out What the fuck, stone toward me as I turned my back to her, placing myself in between her and the punk. The punk knew that I knew what he did. Kate asked questions about what I was doing. I told her, talking loud enough that everyone could hear me say what the assclown did. Then Kate shoved me to the side, saying she didn’t need a big brother and that she could take care of herself. After saying that, she spun around and roundhouse kicked the fucker, then turned back to me, and said, Take me home. We’d been close friends ever since that night, knowing that she could trust me, and I, her.

I start to hear her voice calling my name.

Stone! I hear.

Stone! Again.

Stone! Once more.

I must have been out cold because I didn’t hear her come in. As I am lying on the couch, still dreaming of Kate, not hurting anyone, I come to wake up to a big thump and Kate jumping on me. She’s yelling very loudly, knowing damn well I’m hungover like I usually am.

Wake up! she yells while bouncing up and down on top of me.

Okay! Okay! I’m up I’m up.

Kate’s still sitting on me; my hat is still over my eyes. I move my hands from behind my head and down to my sides, where I feel Kate’s legs on both sides of me. She’s in her cutoffs again.

You know, I always dreamed of this happening, but with less clothes, I say to her, giving her the biggest damn smile.

Well, keep dreaming, limp dick, she says, then punches me in the chest, not too hard but just enough that some air escaped me.

Bitch! I mumble.

Perv! she replies back as she jumps off me.

I slowly sit up on the couch, turning to place my feet on the floor, hunching over, placing my head into my hands to rub my eyes, and tilting my hat back at the same time. Kate starts talking about something, but all I hear is blah blah blah. I open my eyes slowly as to ease them into the daylight. I first see the tiled floor, white like the rest of the salon, then two feet step into view. Kate’s wearing her red Chuck Taylors. Ah, it’s Friday.

She always wears them on Fridays. I can tell the days of the week by the color of her Chucks. It’s different color for every day of the week, except Saturdays. She wears flip-flops and bare feet because she tans here on Saturdays and just runs around barefoot like the country girl she is.

I start to look up, moving up her long legs. Damn her legs. They seem to never end. I make it past her knees to her thighs. Damn, what a sight! Then the blue-jean cutoffs done just right. She’s wearing a Stone’s Tanning T-shirt that we sell here, but she has the sleeves removed, and most of the sides are cut open, so you can see her yoga bra under it as she turns to the side and walks to the fridge.

Hey, Stone, do we have any ice in here? Kate asks, looking in the fridge.

No, why? I say, turning to look at Kate’s ass while she’s bent over, looking in the freezer. Thinking to myself, Hey, my day’s looking up.

She turns her head back to look at me from the fridge and sees me staring at her ass.

Hey! she yells.

What? I ask, shrugging my shoulders and raising my hands up.

Stop staring at my ass and help me find some ice, she replies back.

Why do you need ice? I ask.

It’s for my foot I bruised, she says, walking back over to the couch and sitting next to me, and then bending down to take her shoe off.

I stand up, amble to the fridge, open the door, and grab one of the cold beers that I have in there. The beer is so cold that ice has formed on the sides of the can.

Don’t have ice, but here, take this, I say, handing her the cold beer.

Stone! It’s not even eight thirty. Why the hell are you handing me a beer for? she says, confused.

Shut up and take it and put it on your foot.

Ha! There’s something you don’t get to say much, ‘Shut up and take it,’ Kate says, taking the cold beer out of my hand and giving me a smile.

Yeah yeah yeah, I say it all the time to your mom.

Please, bitch, you couldn’t handle my mom!

Okay, okay, so tell me about your foot and what happened?

I have to change the subject, or we will spend all day bashing on each other.

Yeah, my foot. So last night at the club, I was up on stage for like the fourth time, doing my Free Bird routine, when this guy ran into the place. We all thought it was another drunk guy. But he made it past the bouncers. He came charging at the stage. When he got close enough, I swung low and roundhouse kicked him, knocking him down. The bouncer yelled out for all the girls to get in the back as he tackled the crazy guy. So, I just said, ‘Fuck it’ and grabbed my shit and left.

Shit, Kate! Did anyone know the guy that did that?

No, he looked like he escaped from a mental hospital.

Everyone okay there at the club?

I don’t know. I left before anything else could happen.

I can’t believe someone like that made it past the front door.

Roxy’s, where Kate dances, is a high-end, classy joint. They’re usually two bouncers outside in the front by the door, then once you get in, you have another set of bouncers to deal with, not to mention the two or three others walking among the crowd. The place makes a lot of money every night, and the girls there are really classy and beautiful, and I will not be surprised if the bouncers carry guns.

So, are you gonna call people later and see what happened after you left last night? I ask Kate, looking at her roll the cold beer around on her foot.

Yes, I’ve already tried calling all the bouncers to see what the hell happen but no answers.

What about the other girls? I say, worried that something bad may have happened to them. But not really caring because the only dancers there I like are Kate and Stacy.

It’s funny. Kate and I have been around each other for years now, and I’ve seen her naked like a million times and gotten lap dances from her like two or three times a week. I really should just buy the place and run it. Hell, I’m sure I’ve paid for most of Kate’s college by now. And yet we haven’t slept with each other. It’s okay friend zone, I guess.

I don’t know about the other girls. None of them have returned my calls or texts either, Kate says.

I look at her and say to her, Everything will be okay, as I grab the remote to the TV and sit down next to her.

Let’s see what’s on the news. Maybe there’s something about last night, I say.

Kate stands up and walks out of the office.

Where you going? I yell out.

I’m going to go fuck your dad! she yells back down the hallway.

I never knew my dad!

Explains the drinking issue, daddy’s boy!

God, there are times I just wanna punch her right in the mouth. I go on flipping through the channels to find the news and see what’s going on in the world today. Finally finding the damn news, I see flashing in red the words BREAKING NEWS. They are showing footage of people attacking others and the police fighting back but being overrun. Then they start an interview with some doctor about some virus or cure. Before I can get into it, I hear the bell on the front door ding and a bunch of voices and Kate saying the greeting she always says when customers come in.

HI, welcome to Stone’s, Kate says.

I get up and make my way to the front because, well, I’m nosy and I hear girls. The closer I get to the front, the more people I hear, and then I see a group of college girls standing around. One is talking to Kate at the counter. The rest are talking among themselves.

Hello, ladies, I say, smiling and looking around at all of them.

One turns, faces me, and gives out a little yelp, then turns away toward her friends and starts giggling and whispering to them.

Who are you? the girl at the counter asks, looking at me and chewing her gum really loud. Like really, really loud and like how a sheep would chew.

I’m Stone. This is my place. How can I help you? I reply back.

Um, yeah, we’re here to like tan and what not, the sheep chewer answers.

How many of you are there? I reply back.

Six of us. Can’t you count! she replies, rolling her eyes at me.

Yes, I can. So, what would you ladies like?

They’ll have regular tanning beds. I’ll do spray, the sheep girl says.

Okay, follow me, ladies, I say, stepping back into the hallway. I show all the girls to the room they wanted, saving the sheep girl last.

Hold on one second while I go load the booth with spray, I tell her, waving my hand with the gesture to stay here.

I get into the room to the booth and change up the spray mixture for the sheep girl to get an amazing spray tan. I open the door to let her in, telling her everything is good to go and to enjoy her time here. I walk back out to the front to where Kate is.

Fuck, what an annoying little bitch! I say to Kate, walking up beside her behind the counter, which I ended up making special just for her.

It’s a glass case with thick wood panels on the back with blue lighting to light up all the tanning stuff and Stone’s Tanning T-shirts on display. There’s also a secret drawer that has a short shotgun in it. I modified it to fit in a small place. Kate doesn’t know about it yet, and I should tell her in case she needs to use it sometime. But I don’t know how she’ll take it.

I know, right? I wanted to punch the little bitch in the mouth! Kate says while punching her hand with her other hand.

Just wait till you see her walk out, I reply, trying to hold a serious face but smiling.

What did you do Stone?

Nothing!

Stone!

I may have changed the spray mixture to give her a more radiant tan. That’s all.

You didn’t!

Bet your fine, sweet ass I did.

Stone, she could call the cops or sue us.

Nah, I’ll just blame it on the manufacturer for a bad mixture.

Some time is passing by. Kate and I are still out front, talking about sheep girl and Kate’s foot. The girls are starting to come out one at a time or two a time as they leave their beds. Sheep girl is the last to come out. Oh, the sight of her and the look on Kate’s face as she comes running out front screaming and crying calling me a bastard, as she runs out the door.

Stone! What the fuck, man?

What! I thought it was lovely color on her.

She looked like a fucking Oompa Loompa, Stone!

I know, right? She could go hunting and not need the orange vest!

Both of us are laughing, well, mostly me. Kate is still in shock of what just happened.

Stone, go fix that booth before a nice customer wants to use it, Kate says.

Okay, okay, I say, laughing even harder walking back to fix the spray booth and thinking, Yup today is a good day, and it ain’t even noon yet.

I walk into the spray room and over to the booth to change the spray mixes, still giggling about what I did. I wonder how long it will take for her to realize it. After changing the spray and cleaning the booth out, I walk back into the hallway, remembering that something was going on in the news. I walk back to the office and turn the TV’s volume up. I am lucky. The news is still on, and the news lady starts talking.

"If you’re just joining us, please stay tuned, and this is what you’ve missed. Horror has struck mid Missouri. And here with us today to tell us what has happened is Dr. Rome Pantera.

Doctor, can you please explain to the people who may just be joining us now what you and your science lab was working on and what happened and the danger we the people are in if we encounter one of these creatures that were made in your lab?

My team and I at a research lab here in the city were working on a cure for AIDS, HIV, hepatitis, herpes, and also different types of cancer. This would be the cure for it all. We were ready for human trials after very successful animal trials. I chose to use prisoners with different illnesses to study the effects on them. The tests turned into something we weren’t expecting.

Like what? the news lady asks.

"I’ll start with the Thinkers. We know very little about them and haven’t been able to study them in detail. We just know that they seem to control the other creatures and have the ability to plan attacks and hide. They hold on to all abilities and are very smart. But still we know very little about them as of right now. We also have the