Banned From Baby Showers

By Donna Ryan

Banned From Baby Showers (aka Donna Ryan) began blogging about birth, breastfeeding, and parenting in 2008. Her posts remain relevant for parents of all ages and stages of this crazy journey and now come to life in the form of a book!

Donna has big opinions on natural birth and attachment parenting. You noticed her caricature on the cover, right? Big hair, big hat, and a big mouth! She's been asked if she has a Texas-size opinion on all topics or just childbirth. Is she allowed at weddings? Birthday parties? Banned from Baby Shower moments refer to those experiences with your friends, family, or coworkers over childbirth and related topics. These are the moments where you have to make a decision about whether to give information or just walk away from the conversation to avoid a fight. To answer the question, while she didn't attend baby showers for years, she will occasionally make an appearance these days--but she keeps her mouth shut and smiles while handing over this gift wrapped book!

While Donna is happy to share her opinions, they are rooted in evidence. She has taught hundreds of couples in live childbirth classes and thousands through online classes at Birth Boot Camp, a company she founded in 2012. There is value in the anecdotal stories, too, when it comes to childbirth. You'll find plenty within these pages.

Have fun with this book. Read it cover to cover or pick through the topics and categories that interest you or you need at a particular phase of your pregnancy or parenting journey. You might just find it changes your life!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fulton Books, Inc.
• Release date: Mar 21, 2022
• ISBN: 9781639854943

Book preview

My Births

My All-American Birth

Transitioning of My Thinking

I Did It!

My First Drug-Free Birth

What I Learned from My Third Birth

My Fourth, and Best, Birth

A New Pregnancy Equals a New Care Provider?

Eight Things I Learned from My First Unmedicated Birth

My Christmas Letter, in Blog Form

Pregnancy

Letter to a Baby Not Yet Conceived: Anonymous Post

Due Dates

Is Preeclampsia Preventable? Possibly

Prenatal Testing and Informed Consent

Group B Strep

Combating Gestational Diabetes

Chiropractic: Standard Care for All Pregnant Women

Dads Wanting More Babies

A Mother-Daughter Story of Life

The Post I Hope I Don’t Regret Posting

Soothed by Tim McGraw (Even from the Womb)

Vaginal Exams in Pregnancy

Eviction Notice: Get Out!

Natural Induction of Labor

But the Natural Methods of Induction Didn’t Work

The Dangers of Prematurity

Pregnancy Belly Casting: What It Is and Why It’s Deliciously Therapeutic

Having Baby Number 2

American Birth: Interventions, Epidurals, and C-Sections

Welcome to the Olive Garden

The History of Childbirth in America

Birth Plans

Don’t Drink the Kool-Aid

It’s Just an IV—What’s the Big Deal?

Electronic Fetal Monitoring—Is It Really Saving Babies?

Testing, Procedures, and Interventions in Pregnancy and Birth

Ultrasound: Is It Worth It?

More Evidence About the Possible Dangers of Ultrasound

Appropriate Use of Medication and Intervention for Labor

My Epidural

Do Epidurals Affect the Baby?

Please Just Get the Epidural said the OB

The Supine Position for Birth

Pushed into Supine Pushing Positions

The Big Baby

A Letter to My Former OB

Induction of Labor

The F Word

C-Sections

Is This C-Section Rate for Real?

My List of Things You Can Do to Avoid a C-Section

A C-Section? That won’t happen to me!

At Thirty-One Weeks, My Doctor Is Already Talking C-Section

No Ingles? C-Section for You!

Jessica Simpson’s Fear-Based Elective C-Section

The Not-So-Glorious C-Section

OB Scare Tactics: Poop, Denied Epidurals, and the Vagina-Butthole

The Mother-Friendly Cesarean: What is It and Should It Be Marketed?

Natural Childbirth

How to Have a Natural Birth

Is Labor About How Tough You Are?: Part 1

Is Labor about How Tough You Are?: Part 2

Top Ten Reasons Women Want a Natural Childbirth

Why the Evidence Sometimes Gets in the Way of Having a Natural Birth

Healthy Mom, Healthy Baby, and Still Having an Amazing Birth Experience

A Great Question to Ask Your Doctor or Midwife

How Dare You Tell Me I Can Have a Natural Birth!

Religious Faith and Choosing Natural Birth

Birth is Just One Day—Right?

Running from Mountain Lions

Beta-Endorphins and Their Effects on Pain Perception in Labor

Want an Unmedicated Birth—Or Even Just a Vaginal Birth?: Hire a Midwife and a Doula

The Effects of a Crowded Room

Sounding Your Labor: Are you In or Out of Control?

Hoping for a Fast Labor? Think again!

Butter Birth

The Gift of a Longer Labor

Benefits and Stimulants of Oxytocin

When to Rein in Your Birth Team

Poop

Vaginal Tearing: What You Should Know for Your Next Birth

When We Want our Friends and Family to Birth Like We Do

Homebirth

The Needs of a Laboring Woman Are More Easily Achieved at Home

The Pinch Hitting Husband—Hospital to Homebirth

Which Is Right for You—Homebirth or Birth Center?

How Homebirth Feels Different than Hospital Birth

Why Would You Choose a Homebirth?

ACOG versus Homebirth

Forced into a Hospital Birth or Unassisted Homebirth

When People Don’t Want You to Have a Homebirth

Thoughts on the Birth of Jesus

Questioning Water Birth—My Most Unpopular Post Ever

Midwifery Care

Types of Midwives

Have It Your Way: Choosing an Appropriate Care Provider for Your Birth

Differences Between an OB-GYN and a Midwife

Centering

Why I’d Make a Rotten Midwife

Hospital Birth

The Closest Hospital May Not be the Best Place to Have Your Baby

Hospital Nurses and Natural Birth

The OB at Thirty-Eight Weeks

Why NOT Just a Hospital Childbirth Class?

Some Hints to Avoid the Drama in the Hospital

Vaginal Birth After Cesarean (VBAC)

Scars

The VBAC Debate

So You Want to Have a VBAC

Twins born via VBAC!

ACOG’s Bittersweet VBAC Statement, Issued July 21, 2010

Doulas and Labor Support

Your Doula Can’t Give Birth for You

Can Your Husband or Partner Be Your Doula?

The Doula (or Dude-la) Post

Standing Outside the Fire

The Poo-la Post

Birth Stories

Recording Your Birth

Birth of a Family

Nine Months of Preparing: A Last-Minute Change in Plans

An All-American Birth Story

Military Mom Gives Birth Eight Hours before Husband Returns Home from Seven-Month Deployment

System Fails VBACing Mom

I’m Just a Mama Having a Baby, I’m Just a Mama Having a Baby

A HBA3C Story

Sarah’s Amazing VBAC

A Birth Boot Camp Birth Story

In Search of the Perfect Birth

Spirituality and Childbearing

The Perfect Birth—Does It Exist?

Babies and Postpartum

Spoil Yourself—Hold Your Baby

The Sense of Smell Connects Babies and Mothers

Postpartum Notes on the Door—Helpful or Rude?

To Circumcise or Not to Circumcise?

Social Circumcision

Does Circumcision Prevent HIV?

Cosleeping, Bed-Sharing, and Room-Sharing—Oh My!

Why A Sling?

My Baby Blues Analogy

Baby Milestones

The Designated Hitter

Postpartum Sex—Or the Lack Thereof

Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding and Bonding Immediately After Birth

Trusting Your Body When It Comes to Breastfeeding

Breast is Best

Breastfeeding—The Ick Factor

Hooter Hiders

Cultural Covering of Breastfeeding

How A C-Section Potentially Affects Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding and Gassy Foods

Breastfeeding, Allergies, and Antibiotics

Biting Babies

Extended Breastfeeding

Are you STILL Breastfeeding?

A Mother’s Story Part 1: Exclusive Pumping

A Mother’s Story Part 2: Alisa’s Story—Sweet Baby Luke—Born with a Cleft Lip and Palate

A Mother’s Story Part 3: Mellanie’s Story—Breastfeeding Bekah

Pediatricians and the Promotion of Formula—A Bad Combination

Vitamin D, Iron, and Breast Milk

Weaning

Parenting

Transition: Becoming a Parent for the First Time

Babywise versus Attachment Parenting

Confessions of a Former Babywise Advocate

A Few Thoughts on Attachment Parenting

The Etiquette of Attachment Parenting

The Cry it Out Style of Parenting

Playgroups

A Tough Day of Parenting

Conversations in the Car

Will the Baby Be in Our Bed Forever?

August Birthday Boys: Start School or Hold Them Back?

Leashing Your Kids

Toddler Tantrums: Keeping It in Perspective

Transitioning from Cosleeping

Living in the Moment

Adulting

Tough Love: Puppy versus Baby Advice

Her First Period

The Debate: Toddlers or Teenagers—Which Is Better?

The Value of Boredom and Other Observations

Bullying on the Playground of Life

Oxytocin Decreases as Age Increases?

Advocacy

If My Job Matters So Much, Why Doesn’t Anybody Care about Birth?

What IS Mother-Friendly Care?

Baby-Friendly Is Not a Substitute for Mother-Friendly

Controversies in Childbirth Conference

Tips for Becoming a Birth Activist

Journal Entry—Ina May’s Visit to Fort Worth, July 2012

Weekend with the Sears

Personal Posts

The Birth Nazi

Facebook: Why I’m Glad It Wasn’t Around When My Kids Were Little

A Penny Per Load!

Laundry Boot Camp: Laundry in One Day!

A Shift in Priorities

Breaking Up with Tim

Christmas in the Land of Pinterest

My No Poo Story

No Poo—Revisited

More No Poo!: The Curly Cut

The Next Generation: Rantings from an Old Lady

The Uterine Lift: What You Need to Know

A New Place

Bright Line Eating

One Year on Bright Line Eating

Two years on Bright Line Eating: Update

Banned from Baby Showers Moments, Questions, and Randomness

A Letter to Grandma-To-Be: All the Things You Want to Say but Can’t

Google Searches Leading to My Blog

Mind Your Own Birth

Banned from Baby Showers Sets Record Straight Once and for All about What She Actually Believes about Birth—Read at Your Own Risk!

Guest Post: Mama Birth’s Banned from Baby Showers Moments: Does She Keep Her Mouth Shut?

Just an Observation

We Trust Our Doctor!

Natural Birth, Breastfeeding, or Intactivism: Could You Pick Just One Platform?

Political Correctness in the Birth Community

Random Questions and Answers

Birth Boot Camp

Bye-Bye Bradley (TM)! Hello Birth Boot Camp!

What’s in a Name?

Birth Buffet

Why Become a Birth Boot Camp Instructor?

A Post for Dads-To-Be about Taking a Birth Class

Siblings at Birth Class

Happy Fourth Birthday, Birth Boot Camp

My Closing Talk

That’s a Wrap!

Acknowledgments

I’d like to take a moment to thank my husband, David, for his never-ending support. I couldn’t have locked myself in a room to write all these blog posts every week for all those years, started and run the Tarrant County Birth Network, or founded Birth Boot Camp. He has been my champion, sounding board, and cheerleader. Your love and support have been the most special thing in my life, and I’m so grateful to do life by your side. Thanks for balancing my crazy.

To the teams of people I’ve worked with over the years through the Tarrant County Birth Network, and especially Birth Boot Camp, thank you! I couldn’t have done it without you. April Francom, you are the one person who has stuck with me through thick and thin. It’s been an honor to have you by my side as a colleague, but even more so as a friend. I feel like I should also thank you for balancing my crazy!

Thank you to those that contributed as guest writers. I’ve included most of those posts in this book. Your words and experiences were/are a valued contribution.

Thanks to all the readers. I loved the community we shared, even when we didn’t agree. I always looked forward to posting each week because of the conversation that usually followed.

Introduction

If you are just picking up this book (or perhaps you received this as a baby shower gift) and never heard of Banned from Baby Showers, allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Donna Ryan. I married my sweetheart, David, on New Year’s Eve of 1994, and together we have four children—one boy and three girls. I began the certification process to teach the Bradley Method in 2002 and also certified with ICEA (International Childbirth Education Association) a few years later. I started a birth network in Fort Worth, Texas, in 2010, growing it to be the largest chapter of BirthNetwork National. I served on the board of BirthNetwork National for one year, helping other chapters around the country. Birth activism has been an integral part of my career. I founded Birth Boot Camp in March 2012 and worked as CEO until January 29, 2021, my fiftieth birthday, when I sold the company.

What’s the deal with my blog/book title? The haters think that I am banned from baby showers because of my strong opinions. I had someone ask me if I have a Texas-size opinion on all topics or just childbirth! Am I allowed at weddings? Birthday parties? You’ve noticed my BFBS icon, right? The caricature with the big hat, big hair, and big mouth!

If you’ll indulge me in a little storytelling, I’ll tell you just how the name came about.

I had my first baby with an epidural in 1996, followed up with a fabulous, unmedicated birth in 1999. I had two more unmediated births. My message to all women? You can do this! Don’t be afraid. Birth is transformative. You are strong!

I found myself at playgroups and church, telling every pregnant woman why she should have an unmedicated birth and seek out midwifery care. It’s an amazing event that you only experience so many times in life. Don’t miss out on it!

By 2002, I had to do something with this knowledge and excitement for natural birth. I got certified to teach classes and have taught hundreds (thousands if you include the online students) of couples since. I loved my job.

In early 2006, I attended a baby shower with some women from church that I barely knew. Several of us seriously got into it. It was ugly. It was all about inductions and trusting your doctor. We fought over being informed or, in my eyes, remaining ignorant. Seriously ugly. I called several of them before going to church the next day to apologize. Awkward.

After that experience, I told my husband that I could never put myself in that situation again. I simply find it impossible to sit and listen to a group of misinformed women talk about pregnancy, labor, or birth and not say anything. Laughing about inductions and C-sections and how necessary they are is not my idea of fun. Most baby showers make a mockery of this sacred event. So I stopped attending baby showers.

I’ve always liked writing, and my husband bugged me for years to write a book. He suggested the title should be Banned from Baby Showers. We laughed over it, and when I decided to write a blog, Banned from Baby Showers became the title. Ironic now, all these years later, to convert the blog into a book.

When I talk about Banned from Baby Shower moments, I’m referring to those experiences with your friends, family, or coworkers over childbirth or related topics. The moments where you have to make a decision about whether to give information or just walk away from the conversation to avoid a fight.

I do continue to have Banned from Baby Shower moments, but they are far fewer these days. I wrote this blog and said whatever was on my mind. If you don’t like it, don’t read it! Deep down, however, I hope something strikes a chord within you that maybe you can have your baby without drugs. I hope reading this book changes your life.

When I started writing this blog in 2008, blogging was a new thing. I don’t know of another birth blog before mine, but it doesn’t mean one or two didn’t exist. It was pre-Facebook and pre-social media. Blogs were how moms communicated.

I really let it all hang out on the blog. I rarely held back. I wrote this blog in my mid- to late thirties and into my early forties. Sometimes when I go back and read through posts I wrote, I find myself cringing. These days I am less than excited to hand out advice and more reserved in sharing my opinion. Maybe it’s age. Maybe it’s more life experience and nearly twenty years in this field. While I planned to leave the blog posts mostly intact, there has been some editing that had taken place—for my sake and yours!

Within this book, there are plenty of personal posts. At a Birth Boot Camp instructor training a few years ago, someone said that I was exactly as they expected based on years of reading my blog. Everyone agreed. What you see is what you get.

The book is not in the same order as the blog. It is divided up by topics and categories. Not the easiest decision, but I think you’ll be grateful as you peruse the book.

Readers, enjoy. Thanks for sticking with me through the years. I wouldn’t be where I am today without you.

Birth of a Blog

"A manifesto is a public declaration of principles and intentions, often political in nature, but may also be life stance related."

So here I am, an official blogger. I am a natural childbirth educator. I have taught the Bradley Method for five years. I have four children and would have more if they would remain babies forever. I love pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding.

I have thought about doing this for quite some time, but naming a blog seemed so overwhelming. I have written a book on natural childbirth in my head, and the title is Banned from Baby Showers. Catchy, I think. Why? Why would Donna be banned from baby showers? I decided a couple of years ago that it was probably more important to have friends than to educate them about why they shouldn’t believe everything their OB says. I just cannot handle the games that are played at baby showers, making light of inductions and medication in labor. How we birth our babies is a reflection of who we are as human beings. After offending—and having to apologize to—several people at a baby shower, I decided it’s better if I just stay away. I can offer congratulations and gifts privately.

So here I am, a childbirth educator in a world where the majority of women don’t want to be educated, at least when it comes to labor and birth. It’s easier to not know. If you have information, you simply cannot leave the decision-making to your doctor. You have to act on your knowledge. Truly, knowledge is power.

As the definition of the word manifesto is, birth is highly political, and the majority of women don’t know this until they start questioning their doctors and hospitals and, yes, insurance companies. Even as I type the word homebirth, it says that I have misspelled it when it is spelled close (homebirth), like it isn’t even a word.

My Births

My All-American Birth

So much of who I am today is directly tied to how and where I gave birth to my children. I completely understand why women choose to have medication in childbirth. When I was pregnant with our first baby, my first reaction when we had a positive test was, I’ve got to call the doctor and find out what to do! I viewed myself as a patient. My sister-in-law, a doula, had encouraged us to seek out a midwife instead of an OB, but I thought she was crazy! I was not having a witch doctor attend the birth of my first child! I lived by the philosophy Ignorance is bliss.

I remember, when people would ask me if I was having the drugs, I would think they were crazy for asking me such a question. Of course I was having the drugs! At one point during the pregnancy, I thought there was a chance that our insurance plan wouldn’t cover an epidural, and I completely panicked. How could they expect me to give birth without pain medication? I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I found out I had misunderstood our coverage. I might have cried tears of joy.

Also during that pregnancy, I had an encounter with a woman who had had a midwife attend her unmedicated birth and chose to tear because she was emphatic about not having an episiotomy. She never explained to me why she was making these decisions, but looking back on it, I wish she had.

We enrolled in a hospital childbirth class because that’s what you are supposed to do. The instructor announced right from the beginning that if you wanted to feel the birth and not have the epidural, you were in the wrong class. This particular class was for the wimps. I felt at ease. We were very prepared to be good patients. They explained all about the hospital procedures and policies. We took a tour. We learned about the epidural and were assured that it was safe for both mom and baby. I was so glad to be in such capable hands. I didn’t have to know about anything that was happening to me. They would take care of everything. Did I mention that the hospital where we chose to give birth averaged thirty babies a day?

The day before I was due, I had an appointment with our OB. During my vaginal exam, I found out that I was not dilated or effaced. He told me that at this point my body just wasn’t sure what to do. He wanted me to come in for a nonstress test (fetal monitoring) in five days. He said, at that point, I would likely be induced and that it was best to emotionally prepare for a C-section because my chances of having one greatly increased with an induction.

I left that appointment, again, feeling like my doctor knew what he was doing. My husband’s reaction, however, was quite different. He felt gypped. He wanted to have the experience of not knowing when labor would start and the rush to the hospital. We took blue cohosh and castor oil intermittently for hours. All joking aside, I do not suggest taking those to induce labor. At midnight, we gave up and decided to go to bed.

Now, no one had told us that intercourse and nipple stimulation could start labor. A simple The same thing that got you into this will be the same thing to get you out would have been helpful! We were engaged in these activities when I felt something very different from what I had been feeling for the last several weeks. It faded but came back about five minutes later. We were so excited! Maybe this was it! We got dressed and went walking. By the time we got home, I had to stop during contractions. It got hard pretty fast. I took a bath, and that did help. I hadn’t prepared to feel anything, remember.

I spent the first several hours of labor throwing up and having diarrhea from all the castor oil. It was like having the flu or food poisoning. I hated it.

After five and a half hours of labor, my vaginal exam told me that I was 90 percent effaced and three centimeters dilated. Remember, my body didn’t know what to do, and my cervix was a big, fat zero just a few hours earlier. My doctor didn’t know when I would start labor. My body worked very hard in those five hours. I cried when I got to the hospital because I could have pain medication.

I had Nubain until I was further dilated. I felt drunk. I could still feel contractions, but I couldn’t talk. My body was working so hard and making fast progress when I was moving around, but when I got in the bed, everything slowed down. Eventually, I was able to have the epidural. With that came a flood of interventions, such as fetal monitoring, an IV, a catheter, a pulse monitor, fever reducer, Pitocin to speed contractions, oxygen to bring up the heart rate of the baby (who was doing fine until I introduced drugs), blood pressure monitor, and eventually, internal monitoring of the baby (they had to break water to make that possible). What started as a normal, healthy physiological event turned into a high-tech circus over which I had no control.

My baby’s heart rate kept dropping, and the nurses kept telling me I was on the road to a C-section. I would have had one if my sister-in-law (the same one who wanted me to have a midwife) had not been there. After each contraction, she would roll me over to my other side, and that would bring my baby’s heart rate up. The nurses were surprised to find that I was dilated to a 9 and went ahead and moved me to a delivery room. I pushed for forty-five minutes and gave birth to a very small baby boy, six pounds, one ounce, on his due date.

My husband was very emotional, and while they cleaned the baby and checked him out, David looked at me and said in this awestruck voice, You’ve just given birth, like I was so amazing. I felt embarrassed by his reaction because I didn’t feel like I had done anything amazing at all. I didn’t even feel the birth. Nothing.

I reflected on the birth for several months afterward, but it wasn’t until I picked up a copy of The Birth Book by Dr. William Sears that I realized what I had done. I only had one chance to give birth to that baby, and I blew it! In the words of Dr. Sears, birth matters. Sometimes we find that out later than we’d like. The beautiful thing is that we can learn from those experiences and make the next time better.

So when I say that I understand why American women have medication in childbirth, I really do. I’ve lived it. And there is a better way to give birth.

Transitioning of My Thinking

I have this friend, Alisa, who always knew that she wanted to give birth without medication. She took a comprehensive childbirth class in her last trimester and was reading The Birth Book by Dr. Sears. I was at her house one day, doing laundry, and she left to go to work. I was there by myself to finish up and nurse my baby. I was already a Dr. Sears fan, so I picked up the book and started reading.

If you have not read the book, it starts out by telling about the author’s eight births. This was so powerful to me. And emotional. The births with medication left Martha Sears feeling victimized, for lack of a better word. The unmedicated births were empowering! The way she described the differences between the two really struck a chord with me.

The next chapter is titled Birth—Then and Now. I think, of all the things that I read, this was what really had an impact on me. It details the history of childbirth in America. Do you ever wonder how in the world we have gotten to this point? Over one-third of babies are born via cesarean in the United States.

How did the male doctors get involved in childbirth? What questions should you be asking of your doctor, midwife, hospital? How they answer is as important as what they say. Is homebirth safe? It is never too late to change your care provider. If you are jumping over red flags, pretending they aren’t there, you have no one to blame but yourself if things don’t go as you’d like or your wishes are not honored.

As long as the baby is still inside you, you have a choice. I’ll say it again: you will only give birth to this baby one time. I get tired of hearing people say, Well, on the next baby, we’ll do things differently or I’ll definitely have a midwife with the next birth. Do it now!

So I read this chapter, Birth—Then and Now, and was left with this feeling that as women, we have been sold a lot of garbage. And we bought it! Think of how childbirth is portrayed in the movies or on television. It is funny, with the laboring woman screaming at her husband or demanding the drugs. The other scenario that we see is the drama, how dangerous childbirth is. But we watch it, don’t we? We cry and feel sad. And scared. We fear childbirth because this is all we have ever seen.

Very few people (doctors included) have ever witnessed a completely unmedicated, intervention-free birth. It’s unusual to have much drama. Doctors need us to believe that we need them. I have to leave you with a quote by Brigham Young:

Would you want doctors? Yes, to set bones. We should want a good surgeon for that, or to cut off a limb. But do you want doctors? For not much of anything else, let me tell you, only the traditions of the people lead them to think so; and here is a growing evil in our midst. It will be so in a little time that not a woman in all Israel will dare to have a baby unless she can have a doctor by her. I will tell you what to do, you ladies, when you find you are going to have an increase, go off into some country where you cannot call for a doctor, and see if you can keep it. I guess you will have it, and I guess it will be all right, too.

As a sidenote, before 1900 (when this would have been written), nearly all births took place in the home with a midwife. Less than 5 percent of American births were attended by a doctor when Brigham Young made this prophetic statement.

I Did It!

Alisa, my crazy friend who wanted to give birth to her baby without medication, did it! I must admit, deep down, I really wanted her to fail at this goal. I kept telling my husband throughout Alisa’s pregnancy that she had no idea how hard it was and there would be no way she could handle it. Although it wasn’t a conscious thought at that time, somehow, if she failed at her goal, that would have validated my birth. I recognize that now.

This is something interesting that I have run into over the years of teaching: students tell their friends and family that they are planning a natural birth. They are always shocked by their negative reactions, especially by those who have given birth with medication. They will often ridicule her decision. The phrase I have to laugh at is, It’s not like you get a medal. No, just a baby! Labor and birth are a bridge between pregnancy and being this child’s mother, and it needs to be experienced. I know how it feels to be on both sides of this issue. This was how I was with Alisa, wanting her to fail.

A former student addressed this in her birth story:

I felt very empowered through this whole experience. I did what almost everyone I know told me I couldn’t do. It was the most challenging but rewarding thing I have ever done. I feel so good about giving [my baby] the very best start in life!…Knowledge is power in the labor and delivery room!

When Alisa called me after the birth, exclaiming, I did it! she must have felt like the woman I just quoted. I was one of those people who told her she was crazy and wasn’t strong enough. The sound of her voice was one that echoed in my head for months, maybe years. It was exhilaration at her accomplishment, pure joy, and self-confidence, even awe at the strength of her own body and mind. The experience brought them closer together as a couple as they truly worked together to bring their child into the world.

I wanted this experience to be mine. I knew next time would be different for us. I never heard anyone talk about their birth the way she did, but then again, they all had the drugs! If Alisa could do it, so could I!

My First Drug-Free Birth

So here I was, geared up and ready to have baby number 2, knowing I was doing this differently from the first time around. I knew a number of people who had had great births (yes, Alisa was one of them) with a group of midwives about thirty minutes away, so that was where I went.

A word of advice: when you are seeking out your care provider, be sure that who you are asking has had the kind of birth that you are shooting for. For example, you are wanting to have an unmedicated birth and your neighbor insists that her OB is the absolute best. Before scheduling that appointment, find out about her birth. Did she have an emergency C-section? Did she want the drugs? Did her doctor want her to have the drugs? There are many birthing philosophies out there; be sure yours match up with the birthing philosophies of those invited to your birth. You might try asking friends and family first that experienced the kind of birth you are seeking.

The majority of the midwives I met with knew the power of birthing and what that means in a woman’s life. They supported natural, normal birth. They spent time talking with me about my first birth and the journey that had led me to their door. They were interested in what kind of birth I was hoping for this time around. I felt so in control of my situation, but this was largely because I was taking control, not trusting someone else to make my decisions for me.

We enrolled in a lengthy childbirth class and learned so much valuable information. We packed our bags, I like to say, for birth. We learned about the process of normal birth. Having this information eliminated the fear. I understood how my body would work in labor and what to expect. I learned, and so did my husband, what to do in labor and how I could work with my body to help my baby make her way into the world without the effects of medication.

David and I would practice all sorts of exercises and relaxation. We tracked what I ate in order to get the protein and whole foods I needed. This process brought us closer together and caused us to focus on the new baby, which can be difficult with a two-year-old running around.

I was due January 22, 1999. She was born on the nineteenth. You recall what started my first labor—intercourse and nipple stimulation. Well, guess what started this labor?

Just a sidenote: nipple stimulation causes the release of oxytocin in the mother, which is what causes the uterus to contract. It crosses the blood-brain barrier, so her body also releases endorphins to help her deal with the contractions. When a woman has Pitocin in labor, that is a synthetic form of oxytocin. It forces the uterus to contract, and because it cannot cross the blood-brain barrier, there are no natural endorphins to help the mother deal with that pain. This is why Pitocin-induced contractions make it harder to cope. When labor is allowed to start naturally, the body is kind. Usually, contractions build gradually in intensity and frequency, and like I just mentioned, there are those wonderful endorphins. Baby will also respond better to natural contractions, like a massage, squeezing the fluid gradually from her lungs, preparing her to breathe on her own.

When you read about nipple stimulation in most books, they will tell you how dangerous this is and that you shouldn’t do it unless you are hooked up to a monitor in the hospital. And yet they are more than willing to pump you full of the synthetic drug. There is a phrase that I like to use in class, The same thing that got you into this is the same thing that will get you out. Nipple stimulation is a part of that process. It is a natural labor inducer. If your body and baby are not ready, you will not start labor and will proceed with the evening’s activities. If you are ready, you likely will not be finishing what you started, as was the case with us.

Contractions did start very intensely. Let me back up here for a minute. Remember Dr. Wolsey’s comments to me after the vaginal exam I’d had the day before I was due with my first baby? I was not dilating or effacing, and it was devastating. Vaginal exams put you on an emotional roller coaster. They tell you nothing about when you will start labor. (I talk extensively about this in class.) Despite this common knowledge, it is common practice, and even the midwives could not believe I didn’t want to be checked! I must admit, it was hard to say no, but I was not traveling down that road again. I knew my body knew what to do, no matter what Dr. Wolsey had told me!

So when contractions started with such intensity, I was surprised. And scared. This was the beginning of labor. What happened to my early labor phase? I showed immediate signs of quick dilation—shaking being the one I remember the most. I lay down under the covers and was thinking through the contractions. It was midnight, same as last time I started labor, two and a half years earlier.

We had asked Alisa to be at this birth. David asked if I wanted him to call her, and I said yes. I couldn’t believe how hard my labor was starting. I was freaking out a bit, wondering if I would be able to do it after all.

I had read so much about the use of water in labor. It’s been called the midwife’s epidural. I got in the shower and, while standing there, rotating my hips, recalled everything I’d learned and prepared for. I was ready! I was determined to do this!

We didn’t stay at the house for more than a couple of hours. I remember eating a banana during that time. I wanted to have energy but didn’t have much of an appetite. Again, more of a late labor sign. I wasn’t talking much and was very serious.

David drove the car very slowly, and it was raining. It wasn’t very cold, which was odd for Utah in January. I remember worrying a lot about being cold in labor, because I am a shiverer. Have you ever tried to relax while you are cold and shivering? I didn’t need to worry about it, after all.

Right before we got to the hospital, Alisa reached over me (we were both in the back seat) and locked the door. I had my eyes closed, very focused on what I was doing. I could not resist opening my eyes to see why she had done that. There was a guy in the middle of the road, waving what appeared to be a gun. It was about 2:30 a.m. My husband said he would have run the guy over if he had tried anything. Fortunately, he did not.

The midwife, Susan, literally met us at the door and helped us to our room. I had the twenty-minute monitoring strip, which was no fun. I kept asking when I could take it off so I could get in the water. My vaginal exam told me I was dilated to a 7 and 90 percent effaced! I was doing it!

I really used the lack of sleep to my advantage with this labor. I had my eyes closed nearly the entire labor and was falling asleep between contractions. I was so relaxed between contractions I just forced myself to stay that way and not tense up when a new contraction would start. When I would tense, it was nearly impossible to gain control again during that contraction. I learned pretty quickly that it paid to stay relaxed and not fight the contractions.

I spent a lot of time in the bath. Alisa and David kept me drinking lots of water and orange juice.

Our nurse was so supportive of unmedicated birth and expressed disappointment in the number of women not wanting natural births. She was so encouraging, like a big sister.

Our midwife was so laid-back. She knew that there were no worries. She knew I was handling it fine. I had good support. I remember my friend Janet had told me that she had used sounding as a way to handle contractions. (My son says I sound like a ghost when I do it, if that gives you any idea of what it sounds like.) This is an incredibly easy tool to use. It keeps your breathing steady and deep. Baby is getting good oxygen because you are taking good, deep breaths and letting it go, audibly. I don’t think I could get through labor without this technique.

I remember, at one point, David was sitting behind me, applying counterpressure to my back, and I was sounding out the contractions. Susan was sitting in a chair, sleeping, or so I thought, and she said, Donna, you sound so good. Keep doing exactly what you are doing. I cannot begin to tell you what this did for me as a laboring woman! Deep inside, I knew what I sounded like, but I really couldn’t help it. I felt slightly self-conscious. Let’s face it, we don’t make noises like this every day! She gave me the confidence and freedom to keep doing what was working for me, no matter how ridiculous I sounded.

During this labor, I remember only thinking and focusing on the contraction that I was doing. I never thought of the next one. This is huge! It was the reason I was able to sleep and relax during contractions. I also recalled Martha Sears’s comment about relaxing like you are 11 months pregnant from The Birth Book. This, too, was very useful. We talk about this in Birth Boot Camp classes at length.

At one point, the midwife checked dilation and found that I was a 9. She said the bag of water was bulging and asked if she could break my water. I told her no. I didn’t want any intervention. The cervix also had a lip, or rim, and so she pushed it out of the way. This was very painful, but I felt immediate relief.

I remember going to the bathroom, and while I was there, I grunted at the peak of a contraction. It was totally involuntary, and everyone knew the baby was descending. I went to the bed and continued to labor on my hands and knees because of the back labor. After a short period, I started to say that I had to poop. Everyone was excited, and the midwife said that was the baby. Although I had learned in class that the sensation is exactly the same, I was in total denial. Why wasn’t anyone helping me off this bed to go to the bathroom?

Susan checked me again and said that the baby was right there, and if she broke my water, I’d have the baby immediately. I, at this point, said okay. She tried several times to break it, usually a simple process, but she said the bag was so thick. She said I must have eaten great protein. My daughter was born eight minutes later, at 5:04 a.m.

I gave birth on my side. I have this fantasy that I am this quiet birther, that my babies enter this world in a dimly lit room that is quiet and peaceful. I finally came to terms with this on the fourth birth, that I am not a quiet birther. I am vocal. But I am a very vocal person in my everyday life, so it makes sense that I would sound it out. And that’s okay. I felt so bad about this for so long. I always tell my classes that it is okay to be a vocal birther. Our midwife, Barbara Pepper, with our fourth birth, encouraged me to sound it out, like an animal. That felt so good, so right.

I didn’t tear but felt like I had. Women are always so afraid of the possibility of tearing. I have good news / bad news for you: even if you don’t tear (about a fifty-fifty chance), you will think you did. When the skin stretches, it burns. This is a very intense but extremely short period, usually a contraction or two.

My daughter was immediately placed on my chest—oh my goodness, she had so much black hair! Our son was completely blond, so this was very surprising! I was so emotional. I did it! Even as I type this, my eyes are welling up with tears, remembering that moment. Everything I had been afraid of before—for what? This was amazing! Shortly after she was born, I remember saying, I can’t wait to do that again! When we watch our recorded births, this birth is the most emotional. She weighed seven pounds, two ounces, a whole pound more than our first baby. Dr. Wolsey told me that I would probably never give birth to a baby weighing more than seven pounds. We booed him in the delivery room when she was weighed!

We were incredibly prepared. We started off so great with this baby, confident in ourselves and our baby. She was gorgeous—still is! We named her after her great-grandmother, who I am certain was smiling down on her, probably sad to see her go and yet excited for her to experience this life.

If I could do this, anyone could do this! This is why I teach childbirth classes, so that all women can have this experience. It’s not about pain at all; it’s about doing what God has given you the gift to do. I believe that He wants us to use the powers of birth and not numb them with pain medication. The body works so beautifully, that is, until we intervene in the natural process.

If you are thinking about having an unmedicated birth, do it! Surround yourself with positive people who believe in you and the power of your body! Boo to all the naysayers who tell you that you can’t do it. You can!

What I Learned from My Third Birth

This will not be long. Don’t worry. The first two births, I wanted to really show the contrast between them—drugs versus no drugs. That is not the point of this one.

I had wanted to have the third baby at home, but David said no way. Our video is a prized possession of our second birth, so we knew we wanted to video the third too. At thirty-three weeks, we found out that the hospital we were to give birth at did not allow you to videotape the actual birth. I had been jumping over red flags the entire pregnancy, so that was the last straw. David finally consented that it was time to search for another birthing place.

Yada yada, that birthing place became home. I interviewed lots of midwives over the phone and narrowed it down. I took David to meet the one I liked the best. I think deep down he was really scared to be walking this road with me. After meeting Jenny, he was full of confidence. In his words, That woman could handle anything!

Ninety percent of the births she attended were water births, so when in Rome… We decided to have a water birth.

I was cocky with this birth. I had all this knowledge, and my memory of our second birth was that it was pretty easy. So I didn’t prepare. I ate my protein, but I did not practice my pregnancy exercises. We did not practice relaxation even one time before labor began. What a mistake.

You know how everyone always tells you that each labor gets shorter? That was what I was expecting. My second labor was five hours, so five hours into this labor and I was thinking, Where’s the baby? I really wasn’t working hard, though, not until the few hours before the birth. This labor, in total, was about fourteen hours.

My water broke about two hours before she was born. Right before this, I was sitting on the toilet, totally freaking out in my head, thinking, What am I doing? If I were in a hospital, I could be getting an epidural right now! Why didn’t I prepare for this birth? I am an idiot!

Things picked up after my water broke, and I went to my glorified kiddie pool set up in the living room. I never recognized the urge to push because I was sitting on her head, propped up on my arms. I was very uncomfortable. I was so hot in the water. Looking back, I should have gotten out and birthed on land. I screamed my head off when I pushed this baby out. (To top things off, the mailman came to the door to deliver our mail during this time.) All my umbilical cords were short, and the water was so deep. I had a hard time holding her head up out of the water because my arms were shaking so bad. I wanted to breastfeed immediately to help deliver the placenta, but again, I couldn’t because the water was so deep.

Oh yeah, she weighed eight pounds, Dr. Wolsey! No tears.

So learn from my mistakes—practice and prepare for each birth. I have heard many midwives comment on third births, that they tend to be the hardest. That was true in my case.

I love water for labor, but for birth, this was not the best situation for me. I had intense back labor again, and in order for anyone to apply counterpressure, they either had to be in the water with me or lean over the very deep edge.

For baby number 4, everyone kept telling me to keep my options open, but I knew I didn’t want to give birth in water again.

The funny thing about the whole story is that baby number 3 has been the last to learn to swim and is always the first one out of the pool!

My Fourth, and Best, Birth

Physically, this was my best birth. I had been teaching childbirth classes for about two years when I gave birth to this baby. It was funny to be so huge and teaching, knowing I would be doing this again.

David and I practiced relaxation a handful of times during the pregnancy. I did my exercises and ate my protein. I was thirty-four at the time of this birth, four years since my third birth. I found that my metabolism had slowed quite a bit in that time.

I had the most fabulous midwife, Barbara Pepper, in Albuquerque, New Mexico. When I went in for my visits, I would do my own pee stick. A couple of times she asked what I had had for breakfast because my glucose levels were elevated. I would embarrassingly admit to eating Cocoa Puffs and OJ. She would smile and encourage me to eat less sugar. When I did, I found that my glucose was normal. My body wasn’t metabolizing sugar as fast as it once did.

I never had an ultrasound with this baby. We had with the others and also knew the sex of each baby before they were born. Barb said she didn’t see why I needed one—everything was normal. I completely trusted her and her professional wisdom. She had been doing this for more than thirty years.

I started feeling Braxton-Hicks contractions at about ten weeks. I would take every opportunity to use those as practice contractions to do my relaxation. I would just relax every bit of my body during those brief periods, no matter where I was when they would hit.

All my babies had been born in the thirty-ninth week, the first being 40.0 weeks. This one was no different. Easter morning, three days before my due date, I woke up to having very frequent Braxton-Hicks. They were very regular, though, so I decided to stay home from church to rest. David took the three kids, and I slept for a couple of hours and read a book. It was so relaxing and peaceful.

The contractions continued throughout the day, short and close together, not hard at all. David and I went for a walk around 3:30 p.m., and my water broke while we were out on the walk. We headed back home after that. I called my parents, who were coming over for dinner. We had a New Mexican Easter dinner of chile rellenos, Spanish slaw, tortillas, and fruit salad. I’ve never thrown up in labor, but I decided to take my own advice and not eat anything that I didn’t want to see again! I ate a tortilla and some fruit.

At 7:00 p.m., I was emailing with some potential childbirth education students, commenting that I was in early labor. We were putting the kids to bed at eight o’clock, and as I was lying on the bed of one of the girl’s, I had a really strong contraction (the first of the entire day) that I really had to concentrate on relaxing through. I told David I was going downstairs to take a shower.

My dad went back to their RV around 8:30 p.m., and my mom was staying for the birth. My brother-in-law also stopped by during that time to bring us some things from the store. I remember being fine talking to him, but when I had a contraction, I had to lean over and not speak.

Everyone left, and I went immediately to my bathroom, which I loved. I had told David during the pregnancy that I imagined laboring a lot in our bathroom. It was like, once my body was where my mind wanted to be, alone, labor really picked up. I had tons of contractions on the toilet. I was in the shower when David came in. Remember, last time David saw me was in the girls’ room and I’d just had my first major contraction. He came in happy and talking and was shocked when I told him to call Barb. He didn’t believe I could possibly be ready for her to come to the house already! It had been thirty minutes since that contraction!

He timed several contractions while I was in the shower, doing the doula hula, rotating my hips, with my head pressed against the shower wall. It felt so great! I could feel that being upright was the best position. This was the only labor I didn’t have back labor. What a difference!

When I got out of the shower, I decided I wanted to sit in the bathtub for a bit. We filled it up, but I would never sit down. I leaned over the edge instead, on my knees. David was right in front of me, talking to me. When you have birthed three babies together, you learn what different sounds and expressions mean at the different stages of labor. I was really starting to sound out the contractions—loudly. David knew the baby was in the birth canal.

He was so calm. No one else was there yet. We had invited his sister, Marla, and my friend Ingrid in addition to my mom. Two of our children wanted to be at the birth, so we needed someone to be with them; plus, we needed someone to do the video.

David calmly told me not to fight the contractions. If I needed to push, that was the right thing to do. We knew what to do if the baby came without Barb there. How wonderful to have a husband who believed in me and trusted the process!

Barb got there shortly after I got out of the bathtub. I had a short period of back labor as the baby descended into the birth canal. Barb applied counterpressure and then massaged the backs of my legs as David embraced me and I leaned into him. I felt so supported.

We didn’t stand there very long—I was ready to push this baby out! I moved over to my bed but instinctively knew that I needed to remain upright. They stacked a bunch of pillows under me as I leaned on the headboard. I was on my knees.

At any rate, I hadn’t pushed very long before the head was born. She was born in the veil, meaning the sac was covering her face. This is very rare, but the superstition says that if this happens to your baby, he/she will have good luck all their life.

Her head was out for nearly five minutes before I birthed the rest of the body. Psychologically, I think I was hanging onto the baby as long as I could. There were a couple of reasons for this: (1) I knew this was very likely my last pregnancy and birth, and (2) we really wanted this baby to be a boy. Not really because we were dying to have another boy but because we wanted our son to have a brother. And he desperately wanted a brother.

Barb mentioned that the shoulders needed to come out, and I had barely started to do the Gaskin maneuver, lifting one leg to release the baby’s shoulders, when the baby slipped right out. I took the baby between my legs and awkwardly flipped over so I could sit up. I held her for a long time before I turned her over to find out the sex. I was so scared to find out.

The two children who wanted to be there for the birth came in right as I pushed her head out. Everyone was so anxious to know who this baby was going to be—James or Darcy? I finally turned her over, and David announced (trying to sound happy for the sake of the video), It’s Darcy! Everyone in the room looked at Daymon. He had the biggest silent tears rolling from his eyes. It just broke my heart. My boy will never have a brother.

Now, if truth be known, I had enjoyed my time alone (while the others were at school) with the third child so much I was really hoping for another girl. We had so many clothes for a girl too. And who doesn’t love the name Darcy? Was I trying to console myself? Maybe a bit.

It took one hour and twelve minutes to deliver the placenta. Average time is about five to forty-five minutes. Most hospitals administer Pitocin, regardless of circumstances or necessity. They mash the uterus, and some doctors will tug on the cord. None of these things are part of the natural process. Breastfeeding will cause the uterus to contract and take care of the placenta. Barb kept checking my vitals and to be sure the cervix wasn’t closing, as that would be a complication. Everything was fine. This was my normal for this birth.

I would like to note that I had no intervention with this birth, not even a vaginal exam. I just gave birth.

Darcy was born at 10:55 p.m., less than three hours after that superstrong contraction. I loved all my early labor with this birth. Barb and all our visitors/helpers were gone by 2:00 a.m. My husband was snoring next to me and our new baby. I lay there next to her, both of us wide awake, staring at each other. I was processing the whole event. Not to mention having the absolute worst afterpains ever! These get worse with every baby. Every time I breastfed for the first four days, it was like being in labor again. I had to sound it out and have everyone in the room be quiet.

Darcy weighed just one ounce shy of Abby, at seven pounds, fifteen ounces. She was really long too, twenty-two inches.

Daymon was the first child awake the next morning. He came downstairs and climbed into bed with us to stare at Darcy, his newest sister. He looked up at me and whispered, I love her more than anything in the world. I am so grateful that he was allowed the opportunity to witness her birth and find out the baby was a girl with all of us at the same time. I believe that it helped tremendously with his love and acceptance toward her, and even us, for sharing this event with him.

A New Pregnancy Equals a New Care Provider?

Have you ever heard the story of the woman who always cuts the ends off her pot roast before cooking it, thinking it must be done to cook properly? She did it because her mother had done it, so she assumed that it was necessary, never questioning why her mother did it. Later, she discovered that her mother cut the ends off because the roast never seemed to fit in her pan! Think of all that wasted meat!

I was thinking about this last week. Something came up, and I found myself thinking, Why are we doing it this way? Sometimes we get things in our head and just keep trucking along with life, even if it’s inconvenient or not the best way to do things.

Often, women stick with a care provider because it’s comfortable, even if it’s not. They already had a baby with that OB or midwife, so it just seems logical to stay. Or you