No Matter Who

By Kathryn Merriam

A broken world. A fallen child. Only one way out. SJ feels like he is exhausting all of his efforts. So much of that prayer feels familiar because he has been asking Him for those blessings every day. He has done all He has asked him to do from daily prayers, scripture study, regular church attendance, and clinging to his wife. But none of it seems to be working. God is still silent. And Anja is sick and only getting sicker. She knows she cannot do it on her own. But if she lets go, the story being written is so much harder than what she would write. Life would be easier if she was able to finish her own story. But God has different plans, "I know what you carry. I see the load that weighs you down. My child, let go of your worries, your doubts, your fears, your guilt, and your pain. Please let me take them from you, and I will lift you to heights you do not know. I am here to hold your hand, to walk beside you, to carry you. I want you to be happy, My child. Let go, for these are not your battles to fight."So maybe, just maybe, it isn't their story--or your story--to write. Thank you for joining me once again as we continue our dive into darkness, where we ask ourselves: as the world grows darker and the pain runs deeper, will SJ and Anja look to the world to define who they are or will they turn to the God of heaven and of earth to remember who they are?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Covenant Books, Inc.
• Release date: Jan 18, 2023
• ISBN: 9781638859000

Book preview

Table of Contents

Title

Copyright

1 The God of Death

2 The God of Life

3 The God of Prayers

4 The God of Answers

5 The God of Doors

6 The God of Doors

7 The God of Families

8 The God of Promises

9 The God of Weaknesses

10 The God of Loss

11 The God of Surprises

12 The God of Forgiveness

13 The God of Empathy

14 The God of Firsts

15 The God of Abundance

16 The God of Death

17 The God of Victories

18 The God of Fear

19 The God of Laughter

20 The God of Humor

21 The God of Engagement

22 The God of Food

23 The God of Will

24 The God of Relief

25 The God of Flowers

About the Author

cover.jpg

No Matter Who

Kathryn Merriam

ISBN 978-1-63885-899-7 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-63885-900-0 (Digital)

Copyright © 2022 Kathryn Merriam

All rights reserved

First Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Covenant Books

11661 Hwy 707

Murrells Inlet, SC 29576

www.covenantbooks.com

1

The God of Death

There are no such things as miracles. Some people believe that. Not me, and not Rebecca. After all, she went on a date. Not a miracle in the sense that she of all women would go on a date; it was a miracle that she gave dating another chance, she gave another man a chance. Anja was honestly still struggling with the idea. Not because she didn't want Rebecca to be happy, but because she couldn't imagine loving anyone else even a fraction as much as she loves SJ. He was her person, her one and only person. But she wanted Rebecca to be happy, Johnny would want her to be happy, and most importantly, Father in heaven wants Rebecca to be happy. So she would embrace that miracle. Besides, Mark sounded like a really great man.

Anja and SJ were supposed to spend quality time with him this evening. They met him after they got back from their Hawaii trip, but then he was called away to work…and Anja and SJ were a little distracted with the news of Samuel Holden Gensicki's arrival.

Anja was thrilled to plan an October baby shower! It was well-attended, and now the crib is bedded and standing, the closet is full of clothes ranging from newborn to five-year-old, and the dresser is almost overflowing with diapers and wipes just in time for his estimated arrival next week: the perfect fit for the start of a new year.

But today was not the time to look too far ahead, not yet anyway. After all, the day had just begun, and the presents wouldn't wait all day.

It wasn't that she cared more about the presents than anything else, but like many others, Christmas was her favorite holiday. She had started the turkey at five o'clock this morning—she was trying a new recipe this year—but after that, she had no specific plans until six o'clock; Mark said he didn't want to have to wait that long to see her again.

All of the decorations were already up; they had been for several weeks, actually, but she won't admit just how long. Evergreen garlands sprinkled with poinsettias gracefully hung across the archways. A full, rich centerpiece with poised, burgundy candles adorned the dining room table. Soft white lights were strung in almost every room. The fireplace had the stockings hung and stuffed; she couldn't wait to see Mark's expression when he realized there was even one for him this year…and hopefully years and years to come. And we can't forget her favorite decoration of all: the Christmas tree. Anja and SJ helped her pick it out the weekend of Thanksgiving. After it was unloaded and perfectly positioned, the three of them spent the rest of the day decorating it. This year's theme was childhood memories. Each ornament chosen to bring the tree to life came with a story, and Rebecca wanted to take the time to hear every story, whether they were familiar or not. Anja even brought some of her own ornaments this year.

*****

But on this family Christmas morning at the end of one of the world's hardest years, Rebecca could only focus on that ornament as it perfectly hugged the branch of the Noble tree. It was an expertly painted glass Santa holding a lantern in his right hand and a toboggan under his left arm. They actually had an entire collection of Santas, but Johnny gave this one to her during their first Christmas together.

*****

She had been up, patiently waiting and thinking in front of the glowing fire. In all fairness, she had warned him about her earlier-than-morning habit on that special day of the year. She would do it with her siblings when they were younger; some mornings they even opened up the presents and then rewrapped them before Mom and Dad woke up. It was a thrill! That was until Mom and Dad coded their presents so they didn't know which gifts belonged to which sibling. But she promised she would try not to this Christmas.

Whether it was a teaching moment for Johnny or part of a plan He perfectly orchestrated, or a bit of both, there were no wrapped gifts underneath the tree this year. Instead of getting things for themselves, they chose to donate to Operation Christmas Drop; they even talked about going to Guam later the next year to help in person.

But Johnny insisted on giving her a single gift.

She didn't have to wait as long as she expected though. Less than half an hour later and with a smile on his face, he walked to her in his matching reindeer onesie. It was the only night he would wear those pajamas, and it would always be just for her. That was a gift in and of itself, but he had more planned for her. Pulling his right hand from behind his back, he gave her a shiny red box. After untying the thick clover-green ribbon, she gazed upon the Santa masterpiece, admiring the detail of the snowy village scene depicted on the front of his gorgeous, deep blue coat.

Gently pointing to the lantern in Santa's right hand, Johnny explained, You are always a light in the dark for me, a gift I cannot repay, but I will try even after my dying breath. Before letting her object, he then moved his finger to the toboggan. And you are the most fun I have ever had in my life! I look forward to having the best of times with you today and every day to come. True to who she is, she was in tears. She didn't even want to begin blaming them on the fact she might—I repeat might—have been tired from such an early morning, but she vowed to not complain since it was her choice and it was beyond worth it. Marrying him, she knew he was a keeper; the fact that he woke up early to give her such a thoughtful and perfect gift—one that captured her love of art, of Christmas, and even of things about herself she hadn't even realized—solidified beyond any doubt her everlasting love and eternal devotion to Jonathan Johnny Wayne Gensicki.

*****

Opening her eyes, she found herself sitting alone in her living room. It had been about three years since his passing. Although, she didn't feel alone. The pain of her loss was renewed when the Noble tree found its proper place in the living room, but the peace that settled on her heart overshadowed its scars. She knew it was Johnny's way of saying hi: he was there just like he promised, he had never really left her, and above all, he loved her more than she knew. He had shown her that every single day without fail. Shaking her head, she rolled her eyes at herself to ever doubt that would change, even if he was on the other side of the veil. And this was one of those miracles she rightfully attributed to Him as the veil thinned enough for her to experience the love of her life once again.

Shutting out the world, Becky let Johnny in. She heard him walk over to her; his gait was something she would never forget. Kneeling in front of her, he lifted her chin to look at him. It took everything she had to not lose it right there in front of him. She wasn't worried about him seeing her like that—he was well acquainted with every part of her—but if she cried, she would lose precious moments of seeing, truly seeing, his handsome, heavenly face.

There it was. Those eyes—though they looked lighter, holier, purer—belonged to her Johnny. That nose was longer than an elephant's trunk, according to him, but it was one of the many things she loved about him. The cheek bones, the jawline, even the few freckles underneath his eyes were all there. But it was the smile that got her. It was that smile that lifted her to heights she hadn't dreamed of. It was that smile that brought her joy in less than a monetary second. It was that smile that had captured her heart and never let go.

If only she could reach out and hold him. Even one more time. She understood, though, it wasn't him. His body had gone the way of the earth, as it was supposed to. But his spirit lived on; it always would. And the day would come when his perfected body would be reunited with his spirit. She wouldn't miss it for the world.

Before she knew it, he was wrapping his arms around her. She knew it was possible. God, after all, was still in control, and if His Holy Spirit could give hugs without a body, He would provide a way for Becky to have that moment with Johnny in a way only He could.

She used to joke that if they kept that up as often as they did, they would freeze in time with his arms wrapped around her. But no matter how often it happened, she promised she would treasure it every time, especially now when she needed to feel him. She was still working on forgiving him for leaving her behind, but like he would say, God has a plan for us greater than we can even fathom. Trust Him, my love. She would cling to that promise for as long as she lives, and she made a note to do better at sharing that promise with her loved ones.

That was among the many stories, memories, and lessons she would share with baby Samuel. She wished Johnny would have been able to do that simply by being himself, but now that it was in her hands, she would make sure Samuel knew his grandpa as much as he could.

Johnny couldn't wait to be a grandparent. It was a lifelong dream even before Samuel was born. Johnny, of course, would come first, and then the children he would raise with his beloved wife, but grandchildren would be more than welcome when the time came. He couldn't have imagined a better wife for his SJ than Anja, so their children would, without a doubt, be true angels. But God had other plans for Johnny, plans that would include him waltzing with Miriam, laughing with her innocent jokes, and kissing her sweet face. Becky could picture Samuel there too, soaking in every word, every thought, every hug Johnny could share before it was his time to embrace the world. God wouldn't want it any other way.

As agreed, Mark entered the house without knocking. He was always welcome, but he actually abided by that suggestion, unlike SJ, who always insisted on knocking. He was as handsome as ever in his adorable Hedgegnog—a hedgehog in a mug of eggnog—Christmas sweater with its matching plaid pajama bottoms. He mentioned that he hadn't really ever had a pair of pajama bottoms—the ones you would typically think of with a drawstring and looser, but soft material—so Becky asked Anja for help in sewing his very own pajama pants. Everything was fine until they looked at the finished product. What they beheld inspired a new, fond phrase they will never forget: gravity pockets, for the pockets didn't end until they reached his kneecap.

If they had more time to fix the pockets, they would have considered it, but not only did it add character to the pants, they both agreed he would love them more just the way they were. And Becky was a first-hand witness to the fact that they matched perfectly—and unintentionally—with his Christmas sweater.

It was almost like a shovel to the face. She hadn't realized it before, but he was right there, standing in front of her, wearing the pants she gave him: Johnny and Father in heaven had sent Rebecca an angel. One to remind her that she can love again. One to hold her and to pray with her. One to surprise her in the wee hours of the morning on her favorite day of the year. One to love her like no one had before and almost as much as her Father does. True, it was still a newer relationship, but as she likes to say, once she knows, she knows. She knew her life would never be the same the moment she saw Johnny.

She was still learning how to love Mark the way he deserved, but Mark was also learning how to love her the way she deserved. And his loss would not go unnoticed or undervalued. It was part of him, part of his past, and she would make sure to give it its due care and attention.

But right now, she just wanted to be with him.

It seemed he was always smiling, even more so when he was with her.

Hi, handsome! It was quiet, flirtatious.

Good morning, gorgeous. He returned the flirt element, but the sentiment remained deep.

Come here often? She wouldn't mind a little flirting before the gifts were opened.

I will now. He raised his eyebrows and wiggled his nose. She laughed in return and slowly got up to meet him. Even the hug was thoughtful, lingering. Pulling out ever so slightly, he kissed her forehead before handing her a box he retrieved from his pocket.

She was grateful it was just the two of them. Anja and SJ would be there within the hour—even in the womb, Samuel wasn't letting Mommy and Daddy sleep very much. Adalynn, Anne, Deeks, and Kyson, who was already about two months now, were supposed to be there around eight with pregnant Kate and Kyle not too far behind. But Christmas right here, right now was with Mark.

Her lips grazed his cheek before she decided it was time to open the gift. A big, beautiful, red bow was taped on top, but she made sure to take it off and place it on Mark's head.

Perfect! She was indeed proud of herself, and he didn't even try to move it.

Indeed you are. She shook her head, trying to hide her flush cheeks, and then looked at the box. Silently pulling off the lid, her eyes found the purest snowflake she had ever seen. In the center of the stunning snowflake was lightly engraved Mark and Rebecca 12.27.20.

Pure and perfectly unique…just like you. He kissed her on the forehead once more.

Tears that had been held back ever since he stepped into the room came to the surface, but she quickly replaced them with a dash of her very own sass.

Oh, is that so?

Oh, it is indeed, your royal highness. I deem it so.

And what if I disagree?

You won't, so there is no argument here. Walking in as stealthily as a pregnant woman could, she couldn't help but wonder what the nondisagreement was all about.

With a smirk on her face, she announced her presence. Merry Christmas, Mama! I agree: she should have waited a few more moments in case she was interfering with one of their moments, but it was too late now. And Merry Christmas, Mark! She always did sound so upbeat: SJ's word. Mark went in for a handshake, but Anja doesn't stand for those, so he was given a hug in return.

It is really good to see you again, Anja. It has been too long. Smiling, he finally reached out to SJ. Good to see you as well, SJ! He wanted to use the word son, as an endearment, but it didn't feel like the right time.

Oh, I see what's going on here! You two—pointing to Becky and Anja (he would leave Mark out of it, for now)—"are ganging up on me. Again. Telling me the middle name for our baby is not acceptable, telling your gentleman friend all about her, your glowing and beautiful daughter-in-law. Anja did not miss the intermingling of compliments he had been sending her way daily. But nothing about your one and only son, the one you gave birth to all those years ago, the one you raised for all that time, the one you claim to love." His voice rose up and down with the waves of his dramatic emotions to the point that everyone was laughing…even SJ.

After trying to compose herself, and proud of the trait he clearly acquired from her, Rebecca wrapped her arms around her baby and squeezed. She then leaned in for a hug from Anja but didn't get as far as she used to.

"How are you such an incredible bride and a captivating soon-to-be-mother as well. You are stunning, Anja!" It took her a lot of tears and years to realize it, but her most important identity was that of her divinity as a daughter of God. Eternally grateful she found herself through Christ and came to understand even a glimpse of that while she was still single, she relished in the incredible gifts that He trusted her to be as a mother to Miriam and Samuel, a wife to SJ, and a daughter(-in-law) to Rebecca—nothing was done on her own.

Thank you, Mama! I hope he comes soon. I am ready to pop! As did most—if not all pregnant women—in the third trimester. Even Jake on his sore days walked better than she did. SJ helped her waddle down the hall, past the kitchen, and into the dining room, where she slowly assumed her hopefully permanent position in a chair. She was embarrassed to admit that she was sweating. But that wasn't a concern: she was ready for food. Yes, they would have a grand meal later when her best friends and their families arrived, but it was time for a second breakfast, and she was craving chocolate chip pancakes—not unusual for her, pregnant or not.

Mark offered to help SJ gather the food and supplies from the car.

How is my baby? Rebecca couldn't believe they didn't bring him along too; he was part of the family after all.

Raising her eyebrows but holding back the technicalities, she replied, Jake is sleeping at home on his bed. We can go by a little later to pick him up and bring him back here. I just couldn't wake him up and move him. Oh, Becky didn't have to wonder before, but there was no mistaking that Anja was ready to be a mom. She was off to a great start and definitely had her share of parenting moments with Jake—not that it was the same, but Jake would assuredly help them raise Samuel. Rebecca refilled the glass of milk in Anja's hand, mixed the pancake batter, and turned the dial to warm up the front left burner before the men joined Anja in the dining room. In all fairness, Mark offered to help Becky with the pancakes, but she politely declined.

SJ grabbed Anja's hand, leaned over, and kissed it before sitting next to her. The chest of letters still took its rightful place at the center of the table, but two vases of dark green, burgundy, and gold ball ornaments bordered it.

Rebecca poked her head in every once in a while, in awe at the wonders of the moment. The three of them were going on about what Samuel's middle name should be. Anja seemed to appreciate Mark's input while SJ, teasingly, did not. She had never really doubted, but seeing Mark, SJ, and Anja get along so well did her heart a tremendous amount of healing, more than she was expecting. After multitasking between pancake pouring, flipping, and buttering for a few minutes, she heard SJ call, I smell breakfast! His voice rose with excitement.

I'll have ten pancakes, please…and the guys can eat any leftovers. Anja winked at SJ before laughing.

Not if I get to them first! He jumped out of his chair and raced to the plate with the first batch of Becky's famous perfectly chocolatey-chip pancakes.

Hey! That's not fair! I can't move that fast!

It's not my fault you're pregnant! No, that wasn't completely true, and everyone in that room knew it, but the way he said it, so innocent-like, had Anja rolling. She could only bend forward so far, so instead, she had to resort to grasping the table and leaning as far back as she could to allow her lungs to fill with as much air as possible.

Replacing the plate in his mother's hand, SJ raced to her side.

Breathe, princess, deep breaths. He