I'm Still Here: A Glimpse Into My Life as a Drug Addict and My Journey Back Through Christ

By Tracy Peay

This author has been through the valley of the shadow of death. When I chose to use illegal drugs, I lost. I lost my whole family to drugs, except for my dad. I lost my jobs, my marriages, my children; I lost two brothers (from drug overdoses and alcohol poisoning), and my mom died of transverse myelitis all within a six-month period. I lost a nephew a few years later (from a drug overdose).

When you chose illegal drugs, you choose death--death of body and spirit. Your life will look like a battlefield with bodies of your friends and family strewn about. I lost my dignity and self-respect and nearly my own life many times. I thought the only answer to every problem was suicide. If I got arrested, I took pills to try to overdose; if I had a conflict with anyone, I tried to kill myself. Even if I had a toothache, I tried to slit my wrists. I did die once but was revived. I ran from the law, was arrested, and spent time in jail several times. I lost my apartments and became homeless.

You would think God was not with me during these dark times, but He was. I called on Him many times through prayer, and He was always there. Satan was with me also, and I felt shear evil when I saw Satan face-to-face once. But I also felt unspeakable joy when I saw Jesus Christ face-to-face. It was a hard journey to find Christ, but I read my scriptures, studied, and prayed. Remember, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). And know that you are a "child of God"--a child of a King--and you have royal blood running through your veins. The worth of your soul is great. Jesus Christ is your shepherd, and He goes after lost sheep and brings them back to His fold. He may not come in person to save you, but He will send someone, as he did for me. Nathan, working with the bishop of our church, was the man (my personal angel) who took me off of the streets when I was homeless. I will ever be grateful.

I believe "I'm still here" because Christ wants me to teach others what I have learned about the destruction that comes to you when you make drugs the center part of your life instead of Christ. I can tell you that the only way back from addiction to drugs is through Jesus Christ.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Aug 16, 2022
• ISBN: 9781662461828

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I'm Still Here

A Glimpse Into My Life as a Drug Addict and My Journey Back Through Christ

Tracy Peay

Copyright © 2022 Tracy Peay

All rights reserved

First Edition

PAGE PUBLISHING

Conneaut Lake, PA

First originally published by Page Publishing 2022

ISBN 978-1-6624-6181-1 (pbk)

ISBN 978-1-6624-6182-8 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Foreword

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1

My Trials and Tribulations

Chapter 2

Jenny, My Son, Off the Cliff, Jail

Chapter 3

Our Trip to Nowhere

Chapter 4

Drugs, Religion, Jail

Chapter 5

A Job, Satan, Drugs

Chapter 6

Tragedy Strikes

Chapter 7

Nowhere to Be, My Death, Patriarchal Blessing

Chapter 8

Another Move, Sisters and Heroin, Serious Operations

Chapter 9

Jail, Corey, Salt Lake City

Chapter 10

Drugs, Back to Jail

Chapter 11

Springville, Homeless, Rescued

Chapter 12

Apartments, a Bad Roommate, Wonderful Nathan

Chapter 13

My Dream Apartment, Drug-Free, Christ First

The Touch of the Master's Hand

by Myra Brooks Welch (1921)

What I'm Grateful For

by Kevin Peay

Meet my Family and Important People in my Life

About the Author

Foreword

The purpose of this book by Tracy Peay is written to help anyone considering doing illegal drugs or who is already on this downward path leading to destruction and misery. It is said that if your life has not been a shining example for others, at least, let it be a warning. This author grew up in a family of eight (well, seven because his older brother was stillborn) who became drug addicts because of his older sister who brought drugs into the home and gave them to everyone. Tracy started using illegal drugs at approximately nine years old, and he began drinking alcohol and smoking also. It interfered with his schooling because he would sluff his classes to drink and do drugs and dabble in Satan worship, and he finally quit school in the eleventh grade. He was shy and felt that the only way he could communicate, especially with girls, was when he was high. His whole family, except for one sister, were addicted, and he felt that to be accepted, he had to provide and do drugs with them. Every family interaction of these children was a drug and alcohol party, every job worked was to buy drugs and alcohol, and every theft was committed for the purpose of buying drugs. There was a trail of destruction that followed them—losing their apartments, constantly moving, losing their belongings and their jobs, suicide attempts and suicides of family members, drug overdoses, almost losing their arms and legs because of infections from shooting up, arrests, warrants for their arrest, begging for food, being destitute with no money, and poor family relationships.

Is this the life that any person would want to lead, who was created by God, created in His own image, and given gifts to bless themselves and others? Did Jesus come to this earth to provide us with this negative and destructive life? No. We must realize that if we allow ourselves to be deceived by Satan, who makes drinking, drugs, and immoral living seem like happiness, he will lead us down to destruction and misery because this is what he lives for. We were given our free agency to make good and bad choices that would lead us to God and eternal salvation or to death and hell.

If you read this book, you will realize that you are walking in Tracy's shoes and will experience the downfalls of a drug-addicted life. There is no happiness here, only destruction and despair. Luckily, Tracy learned to pray to Jesus for strength and guidance, and Jesus is the most important person in his life now. He talks with Him daily, and you will never meet a more humble, dedicated, and loyal child of God.

He gives all thanks and honor to God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost. Miracles do happen, and he is living proof. You will see in this book how illegal drugs and alcohol can steal your life and even end it if you give in. As you will see, throughout this book, that an addicted mind does not make good decisions. You will see the author try to find somewhere to belong, even with his own family, yet be used and abused by the people who are supposed to love you. You will see him lose three members of his family within a six-month period of time. You will see him and his family members live life only to secure and use illegal drugs. You will see them always looking for a place to live because they couldn't pay rent because they had spent all their money on drugs and alcohol. You will see his brother Chad and he go on a trip to nowhere, where they had to beg for money for gasoline and food—a trip that they did not plan out which was, in reality, a trip fleeing from a warrant. You will see this author arrested and put in jail more than once, him stealing to support his habit, his marriages ruined and children taken away, dangerous situations, suicide attempts, and finally being homeless (many times). And always, he prayed to God and communed with Jesus and felt the Holy Ghost, even through these destructive and hard times.

He was finally rescued and taken off the streets by Nathan, who was a Service Missionary and worked with a local bishop. Nathan found apartments for him, which is nearly impossible for someone who is addicted, and he bridged the gaps which would have led to homelessness again by working with landlords and his parents. Nathan was truly a man of God, and I am sure he has been instrumental in other drug addicts' lives. He was the stable force as Tracy and his roommate went from one apartment to another. He kept in contact with the landlords and provided some financial help for Tracy, and in return, Tracy would work odd jobs for him to pay the money back. Nothing was free—he worked for it. Spiritually, Nathan arranged for Tracy to attend Family Home Evenings, the twelve-step program encouraged him to attend church, and Nathan would keep in contact with his parents. It takes a village. He made a difference in Tracy's life, and his parents are grateful.

The author's relationship with God made the other difference—he had to choose to become clean and stay clean. And he made the sacrifice to sever all contact with his family members, except for his parents. He made a covenant with the Lord that he would never use drugs again, and he has kept that covenant.

It is the wish of this author that his book be used by parents who will keep it in their bookcase as a reference for their children to read in case they are being tempted to take illegal drugs. His stepmom's mother kept a book in her bookcase with information on sexual subjects and the human anatomy. When they had questions, they would get that book down and get their answers from a reputable source. The author can also visualize his book to be used as a reference guide for counselors in schools where it could be approved and handed to troubled students. This book could also be handed out in prisons and jails to give hope to those inmates struggling with addictions that there is hope if they will turn their lives to Christ. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).

Acknowledgments

I would like to thank first and foremost heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, who were always with me in good times and bad.

Then I would like to thank my stepmom, who made this book possible and has helped me. I wouldn't be where I am now without her, and I definitely would not have written this book or been in my wonderful apartment. I appreciate her because she makes sure my rent is paid every month and that my bills are paid. I love her for it.

I would like to thank Nathan, who took me off the streets, and he is the reason I am here in this apartment. When I was homeless and went to my bishop, he was the man who came and got me and gave me hope when I wasn't sure what the future would bring.

I would love to thank my wonderful dad, who I have grown so much closer to. I love him so, so very much, and also, my now-deceased mother, who, through the years, made me a better man. May she rest in peace.

If it was not for heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost, none of this beautiful life I now live would have been possible. They are why I am who I am, and I thank them in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Introduction

Why did I write this book? What does it have to offer you?

I wrote this book at the urging of my stepmom, who hopes you can learn about the life of a drug addict and maybe keep your loved ones from going down this path. You will catch a glimpse into how a drug addict functions and how their faulty thinking affects how they live their life. You will see how drugs can take a good person and lead them down a path to misery, destruction, and loss—loss of their dignity, loss of their family and friends, and even the loss of their own life.

What's interesting about my life is that I had a good family in the beginning. I had a good mom and dad, and there were eight children: Dana, my oldest sister, used mini thins and smoked; Robert Dale, my oldest brother, was stillborn at birth; Sandy, my sister, looked like a beauty queen and had a large personality but led all of us into drugs and is still in and out of jail at present; then came me, Tracy—I was shy, a follower but had an innate desire to follow Christ; my brother Chad had a negative attitude and was obsessed with death, but I followed him until he overdosed and died; Corey, my brother, was lazy and wouldn't work but used drugs extensively and still keeps going in and out jail to this day; Lisa, my sister, wasn't addicted to hard drugs until later when Sandy and I got her on heroin. (She had previously used diet and pain pills.) Then Kevin, my baby brother, had beautiful blue eyes and was gentle and loving but died of alcohol poisoning at one of the drug parties.

Also, part of our drug family were Sandy's kids. Justin was smart and probably could have been very successful in his life if his mother, Sandy, hadn't gotten him into drugs. Sandy was responsible for getting her two sons addicted to drugs. Her youngest son, Kayden, overdosed and died shooting up heroin that he bought from our own dealer. My younger brother, Kevin, died earlier from alcohol which killed him at his young age of 21. (Family party just means a party thrown by my family members who used drugs—my mom and dad were not involved.)

That's what made it so hard for me—every family member I knew was on drugs and alcohol or knew how and where to purchase drugs and alcohol. This was a whole family whose interactions hinged on drug and alcohol use. All jobs were worked solely to have money to buy drugs, and all parties were drug parties. I had always wanted to do drugs and