Coping with Grief: Surviving the Unexpected Loss of a Child

By Rick Larnerd

As parents, nearly all mothers and fathers form a bond with their offspring at the moment of birth. As we parents know, children do not come with instructions, however. The business of raising them to become productive members of society is a roller-coaster of ups and downs. This series of trials and errors helps to define and solidify the parental bond. When that bond is severed by loss, the ensuing chaos sends a grieving parent into a tailspin. When that loss is unexpected and there is no time to prepare, the grief can be particularly debilitating. Parents are not supposed to outlive their children. Just as children do not come with instructions for their raising, there are no instructions for how to deal with the grief which consumes us when we lose one. How can one survive the crippling effects of this tragedy? The enormity of that tragedy is compounded when more than one child is unexpectedly lost. As you read my story of the loss of two of my three children, I hope this survivor's perspective will help to shed light on a very complex and personally-unique emotion and serve as an inspiration for others experiencing the same grief. With belief in God, the love of family, support of friends, compassion from strangers, and the passage of time, it truly is possible to overcome the debilitating effects of grief.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Covenant Books, Inc.
• Release date: Apr 10, 2019
• ISBN: 9781644717745

Book preview

9781644717745_cover.jpg

Coping with Grief

Surviving the Unexpected Loss of a Child

Zach and Miranda at World’s End State Park, Sullivan County, Pennsylvania, circa 2000

Rick Larnerd

ISBN 978-1-64471-773-8 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64471-774-5 (Digital)

Copyright © 2019 Rick Larnerd

All rights reserved

First Edition

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Covenant Books, Inc.

11661 Hwy 707

Murrells Inlet, SC 29576

www.covenantbooks.com

C:\Users\Rick\Pictures\img224.jpgC:\Users\Rick\Pictures\Book Photos\Grief\img225.jpgC:\Users\Rick\Pictures\img226.jpg

Miranda gave me this hand-drawn Valentine’s Day card when she was 5. I have cherished it for the past 19 years…

Also by Rick Larnerd:

The Thin Green Line:

A thumbnail sketch of the career of a Wildlife Conservation Officer in rural Pennsylvania

In the works:

The Thin Green Line:

16 Years of Pondering

Run if You Want:

You’ll Only Be Tired When We Catch You!

Terror on the Cumberland

The Mystery of Gasparilla Bay

Kyle and me on the day Zach was laid to rest, June 20, 2016.

To Kyle.

It’s no use going back to yesterday because I was a different person then.

—Lewis Carroll from Alice in Wonderland

Miranda and me on our last trip together, circa 2009

Preface

As parents, nearly all fathers and mothers form a bond with their offspring at the moment of birth. As we parents know, children do not come with instructions, however. The business of raising them to become productive members of society is a roller-coaster of ups and downs. This series of trials and errors help to define and solidify the parental bond. When that bond is severed by loss, the ensuing chaos sends a grieving parent into a tailspin. When that loss is unexpected and there is no time to prepare, the grief can be particularly debilitating. Parents are not supposed to outlive their children.

Just as children do not come with instructions for their raising, there are no instructions for how to deal with the grief which consumes us when we lose one. How can one survive the crippling effects of this tragedy?

The words contained on the following pages have been struggling to emerge for several years. The pain from which they come is still keen; the wounds are deep and still very fresh. Throughout this book, I write candidly about the unexpected death of my two children. I do not write about this intensely personal situation carelessly nor to be macabre. I do so in the interest of telling our story. I do so in the hope of releasing my grief. Up until now, I could have never conceived of such a thing. Some days, just thoughts of Miranda and Zach would cause my memories of them to cascade down my cheeks until my reservoirs were dry. As you must know, it is still extremely painful to conjure these thoughts and images in order to present them here, but I have found writing to be a catharsis and very helpful in easing my grief. The pages which follow are liberally sprinkled with quotes and axioms which all have meaning for me. I apply and share them here in the hope you can relate to them yourself and, in turn, may they become meaningful to you as well.

Only a parent who has lost a child can know what this never-ending grief is like. Losing a child is like no other loss, expected or otherwise. I cannot tell you here how I have survived losing one cherished child, let alone two. Yet, somehow, I have. Losing Miranda forced me to develop the coping skills I needed to survive losing Zach. Even though 2018 marks the ninth year since Miranda left us, I am not done grieving her by any stretch of the imagination. Whoever coined the phrase, Time heals all wounds, lied. I still cry every day. Sometimes, outwardly; always, on the inside. I am grateful that the days I cry on the outside become fewer and fewer as time goes on.

Many people have asked how I’ve been able to cope with my grief. It is no longer a matter of coping. It’s much more than that. Now, it’s a matter of surviving.

As you read our story, it is my hope this survivor’s perspective will help to shed light on a very complex and personally unique emotion.

Acknowledgments

This book could not have been possible without the support and encouragement from too many people to list here. However, one person I would like to acknowledge is Honey Denson. She very kindly allowed me to prepare a college paper for her class and offered encouragement to expand it into what you will read. Without her guidance and expertise, this book would not have seen the publishing house. For that, I owe a debt I could never possibly repay.

This book is dedicated to my remaining son, Kyle. He has been left