The View from the Pew: A Catholic Priest Falls in Love

By Alex A. Meñez

Love stories are always captivating. And when it is the love story of a catholic priest, it is intriguing. This book is about the love story of two priests. "Both stories reveal their pain and struggles to decide against a law imbedded for centuries in the solid structure of an institution and in the cultural psyche of both laity and clergy. In the end, love and grace triumph" (From a peer review).A highlight of this book is my reformist concern related to clerical behavior. And I speak from my experience and expertise of forty years in the ministry. Ecclesiastics should know that when I left the service of the altar, I bore no bitterness or regret. I am, therefore, their best ally to tell them the truth in love. An added weight for my credibility is because my observations are based mostly on the pronouncements of Pope Francis.The book will make some clerics uncomfortable. Many will find it comforting and uplifting. All will find it a good resource for reflection and a compelling guide for examination of conscience to hopefully bring about the clergy reform in attitude and lifestyle.I have a chapter on celibacy. Some will ask, what more is there to talk about this topic. And I say, because I present celibacy with a focus on chastity. Celibacy without chastity is a farce. Perhaps someday the church will change its law on celibacy, definitely not in my lifetime. But it will. This book will tell you why.This book can be used as a primer in the seminary formation program. As Cardinal Robert Sarah has warned, "The Christian priesthood is going through a major crisis," and at the root of this quagmire "is a deep flaw in their formation."The laity will benefit from this book, especially among the churchgoing, those engaged in religious formation, those in search of their faith's relevance or simply the spiritually hungry and the families and friends of priests all over the world. The book strongly emphasizes the equality in dignity of all Christian faithful (clergy and lay) based on the grace of baptism. This will help the laity value and uphold their proper role, viz. that together they build up the Church of Jesus Christ.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Mar 11, 2021
• ISBN: 9781098041762

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The View from the Pew

A Catholic Priest Falls in Love

Alex A. Meñez

Copyright © 2020 by Alex A. Meñez

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

A Love Story

The Decision

Herstory

The View from the Pew

Another Love Story

Cliff Dancer

A Time for Everything

Scandal

Celibacy

The Rescript of Dispensation

Ex-Priest, Ex-Cleric, Ex-Celibate—Are They Synonymous?

The Presbyterium

Proposals to the Episcopal Commission in the Philippines on the Formulation of the Program of Formation of Future Priests

The Pian Jubilee

In Memoriam His Eminence Jaime Cardinal L. Sin

Msgr Adolfo Perlas Depra

Introduction

This book began as an e-mail letter I sent to my friends and family and select parishioners when I started my journey to ask for dispensation from celibacy. I knew that my decision would be breaking news to them. And I wanted them to hear the full story directly from me rather than it be passed on in whispers spiced with innuendos and half-truths.

As the years passed by during my marriage, I learned to observe and immerse myself in the lifestyle of the Catholic laity. It was a different world from the priestly environment I had lived for forty years. It was a learning experience indeed. And this book came to be.

In effect, this book is a memoir of my life as a Roman Catholic celibate priest, which was the view from the altar and my reflection of such life on the perspective of a married layperson. This is the view from the pew. Hence the title of this book.

In this book, I may come across, especially to the sentiments of pious ears, as critical of the clergy. I admit I am. However, let the reader understand that I take critical from its original Greek word kriticos which means discerning judgment. It is not, as the word is understood in the English-speaking milieu, a condemnation. My pure intention in this book is to open a conversation, especially with the clergy, to look into their lifestyle and to critique certain practices in the Catholic Church and compare them with the standards of the Gospel. And who am I to do it? Because first of all, I have the privileged vantage point of both views from the altar and from the pew. And ecclesiastics should know that when I left the service of the altar, I bore no bitterness or regrets. I am, therefore, their best ally to tell them the truth in love. An added reason for my credibility is because my observations are based mostly on the pronouncements of Pope Francis.

Finally, the so-called religious radicals, from the Latin word radix (i.e., those rooted in traditional practice), may look for a nihil obstat and an imprimatur (c. 827, 4). I purposely did not ask for them. First, because I am absolutely confident that my book does not contain anything contrary to faith and morals. And today, in this time of the Internet, no amount of censorship will succeed. Besides, I do not want to bother my ecclesiastic friends with lengthy manuscripts which would be a burden to their already-overburdened ministerial schedule.

So here’s my personal nihil obstat, Caveat emptor.

Prologue

Dedication

This book is dedicated as a:

TRIBUTE—to the FRONTLINERS, who made heroic sacrifices so that others may live and unselfishly cared for those who didn’t make it to live.

REQUIEM—to those who lost their lives during the pandemic and the Frontliners who died caring for them.

As this book was going for printing, the Covid19 pandemic broke loose. No walls were able to stop it. Military materiel and arsenal did not prevent its onslaught. Political strategies aggravated the intended solution. Even prayers took too long to make the expected miracle.

As Fr. Raniero Cantalamessa, Ofm.Cap, said in his homily (Good Friday service in St Peter’s, April 10, 2020), The pandemic of Coronavirus has abruptly roused us from the greatest danger individuals and humanity have always been susceptible to: the delusion of omnipotence… It took merely the smallest and most formless element of nature, a virus, to remind us that we are mortal, that military power and technology are not sufficient to save us.

Just as the virus did not respect political borders and crossed walls with impunity, at the same time, to quote Fr. Cantalamessa again, it has broken down all the barriers and distinctions of race, nation, religion, wealth, and power. And the pandemic made heroes of our health workers and other frontliners.

Frontliners—they are the new breed of heroes with a new form of bravery. They placed their own life at risk, and of their families, so that they can care for others. For the health care workers, the line marks on their faces are the visible reminder and unintended proof that they are in the frontline of history. And many of them died. They truly deserve our gratitude, even if they do not ask for it. And those who died who were Catholics may qualify for the new pathway to sainthood, opened up by Pope Francis. They are those who offered up their life in a heroic act of service for others. For indeed this ultimate sacrifice of giving one’s life for others defines our humanity. It makes us truly human, whatever the religious affiliation, race, ethnicity or gender. And for the believer in Jesus, this selfless love is what makes one truly a Christian.

Good job, Frontliners. Thank you.

And to those who died, Requiem aeternam.

Chapter 1

A Love Story

Where do I begin? It started innocently. What a cliché. We read or hear this phrase in all love stories. I first saw her—of all times and of all places—while I was saying mass. She came in during the readings. Latecomers are pet peeves of every speaker as a general rule. And to come in late for mass is inexcusable to say the least. But my reaction was different. She attracted my attention in a positive way. She captivated my emotions.

I looked forward to seeing her again. Every Sunday, I was hoping that she would come for my scheduled mass. Finally after several months, she came to the office to ask to bless her new car. I was the priest on duty—what a beautiful coincidence. Or was it serendipity! Or maybe even providential? Whatever, it was a happy time. I didn’t want to lose the opportunity for future meetings. Now I knew her name. And her name is Espy, short for Esperanza. I blessed her car, and I took more time than what the ritual required. And I talked longer than what courtesy or duty needed. But she was professionally friendly, meaning, she was a parishioner, and I was a priest. This was in June 2000.

In 2003, Espy’s mother died while visiting the US. I assisted the family in their grief. Earlier I had met the mother and brought her communion when she was sick. I got to be accepted by her (the mother) and by the sisters and in-laws as part of the family. They are all girls, and they took me in as their elder brother. Invitations to family gatherings were always a joyful expectation. I wished there were many and more often.

It took many more years until the acquaintance became familiarity. And the familiarity did not breed contempt. Instead, the friendship grew to a higher level. On my part, I knew that the emotions were not familiar, but I felt that they were good. But it was a one-sided attraction. She, on her part, was happy with her life. She was successful in her career. She had her own house, which she bought when she was on her second year in the USA. And she was very dedicated to her siblings and their families. They are five sisters, all pretty and professionals. She was the only one single and a confirmed bachelorette.

On my part, I knew I was going through unchartered emotions. And in 2008, she may have felt that my feelings were becoming personal. She said she felt the same way but was afraid to show it. Now the feeling had become reciprocal. I weighed the options. I felt more happy being with her than doing my ministry. I felt that during these unsettling years, I was simply functioning as a priest even if I enjoyed doing the rituals, and I felt fulfilled, and people were happy and impressed with my dedication and devotion. But just the same, the priesthood was becoming ritualistic. It was a task that I was doing or a duty I had to perform.

Being with her, things were different. There was joy and peace and fulfillment. Honestly, the sexual attraction and impulse were there, and they were overwhelming. But both of us wanted to stay in grace. It was funny that at my age (nearing sixty years old at the time), I felt like a teenager threading on a new but exciting ground. One thing I was sure was that it was unfamiliar yet fulfilling.

I don’t want to balance the weights and find out which one was heavier—my priesthood or my love for her. I didn’t want to analyze what went wrong. For me, at this time, falling in love was not wrong. What was wrong was that it came rather late in my life. Years ago, I had made many analyses about the life of other priests who came to me for advice or direction. I used to be one among those who would analyze and suggest possible causes (no prayer life, no communion with fellow priests or openness with the bishop, burnout or midlife crisis). Now I realize that love is not planned, and it is a crazy thing. And it is a person. Experts will say that Christ is also a person, and the priesthood is not a function but a relationship with the Loving Christ. I am aware of this truth because I have also said the same lines many times. I don’t want to enter into discussion. All I know is that I do not love Christ less by falling in love. Jesus knows how much I love him still. Can I not love Jesus as a layperson? Can I not love him and be married? And will Jesus love me less when I would not be a priest?

Perhaps others will judge me a failure. Words like defection and lack of permanent commitment betray their impression of me. I do not condemn them for their judgment. I can say though that in all sincerity, I had been a committed priest for forty years, faithful to the law of celibacy and dedicated in loving service to God’s people. But if I fail to be committed forever to the priestly ministry, it is because I have fallen in love, and I will be committed to her for the rest of the few years of my life. I gave forty years of dedicated service to God’s people, may I not be allowed to enjoy even some few years or so with her? After all, service to God is open in any state of life.

Right now, all I know is that I am happy, at peace, in love, and secure in the knowledge that someone loves me too. And the only thing that hinders the fulfillment and completeness of this beautiful relationship is the law of celibacy. I am not against celibacy. Even if or when I will be granted the dispensation or the papal permission to get married, I will still favor celibacy (so that priests will continue to struggle—I say this with humor). Celibacy has provided me with the zeal to do my ministerial duties, and it has helped me have healthy rapport with women, who otherwise were desirable. I do not advocate that the Church should abolish it, even if in the future, I do not know what the Church will do. But now I realize that values change, new needs are felt, and priorities become different. The idealism of the youth is gone, and the practicality, or shall we say, the wisdom of old age takes over. I have learned that it is not easy, and it is definitely unfair to pass judgment.

But now I know that at this time in my life