Out My Window

By Barbara Durnil

This is the story of an empty nester widow who decides to isolate not alone but with God at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic. She has always thought a monastic life would be wonderful. She could shelter away from life, social responsibilities, and interruptions simply to study God's Word and to talk with Him. She is going on sabbatical.

She has two Bible studies already started when the shutdown began and several studies she wants to pursue. She also journals and enjoys writing what she hears God telling her. She is in for a big surprise when God begins His lessons for her.

There are wonderful things presented for her to learn, new revelations and thought-provoking information that had never occurred to her. There are also emotions, frustrations, and Satan's presence to throw her off. These are all met by God, showing her the way out. Even when she stumbles and weakens to despair or anger about the scene out her window, God takes the guilt from her and loves her. He is a merciful God.

She learns of His holiness, grace, and mercy but also sees His working hand of judgment out the window as she watches the direction of the human race. She learns that mercy and judgment are in equal quantities as they exist together at the same time. True repentance is what changes judgment to mercy.

Her lessons come daily, and she becomes a true disciple of Christ, taking in every word He speaks and asking questions in return. All that was needed was time alone, no distractions, and her full attention on God.

The world grows dark out her window. And at first, it frightens her, but God shows her truths and reminds her of His plan. He prepares her to be a part of His plan and to eventually return to the world walking in that plan. The time is not yet, but it is coming, and she waits for it.

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• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Dec 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9781685707514

Book preview

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Out My Window

Barbara Durnil

ISBN 978-1-68570-750-7 (paperback)

ISBN 978-1-68570-751-4 (digital)

Copyright © 2022 by Barbara Durnil

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Preface

Chapter 1

Stationed on the Ramparts

Chapter 2

Possess the Land

Chapter 3

On the Wall

Chapter 4

Total Immersion

Chapter 5

Absent from Church

Chapter 6

Science Fiction

Chapter 7

He Has Risen Indeed

Chapter 8

My Father

Chapter 9

Sabbatical

Chapter 10

The Siege Continues

Chapter 11

Dark Water

Chapter 12

Staying Centered

Chapter 13

Chink in My Armor

Chapter 14

Spiritual Environment

Chapter 15

Abby's Friend

Chapter 16

Job

Chapter 17

Let God Work

Chapter 18

We All Fail Sometimes

Chapter 19

Light Out of Darkness

Chapter 20

Hezekiah

Chapter 21

I Need to Cry

Chapter 22

Ezekiel in Exile

Chapter 23

I Have God

Chapter 24

God's Garden

Chapter 25

The With-God Life

Chapter 26

The Bowline Knot

Chapter 27

Happily Disconnected

Chapter 28

Don't Jump Ship

Chapter 29

Default Mode

Chapter 30

Back in the Boat

Chapter 31

Minister in This?

Chapter 32

My Anniversary

Chapter 33

Thanksgiving

Chapter 34

The Sandy Beach

Chapter 35

Giving Thanks

Chapter 36

Holidays Begin

Chapter 37

A Pre-COVID Christmas

Chapter 38

Failures Are Experiences

Chapter 39

The Race

Chapter 40

Advent, the Second One

Chapter 41

The First Christmas

Chapter 42

The Second Christmas

Chapter 43

Climb the Highest Mountain

Chapter 44

One Year

Chapter 45

Rahab's Window

Chapter 46

Blustering Wind

Chapter 47

Whoa, It's Rocky Out Here

Chapter 48

Eyes on God

Chapter 49

America, Bless God

Chapter 50

Stand on the Rock

About the Author

Preface

The following is a short introduction into my life before the pandemic became a part of it. God had given me directions and ministries in which I was trying to obey, with His help and guidance. I have been a churchgoing Christian all my life, forty-three of those years as a born-again child of God.

When I was set on the wall as a watchman, I began to explore writing. There began a growing desire to write devotionals for publishing. How that manifested itself in me is yet a mystery other than God always knows what He is doing. I wrote a few magazine manuscripts, two of which were published. I didn't advertise it much but quietly typed away, experimenting on direction.

One Sunday morning, I discovered that my Sunday school teacher in my local church happened to be Mr. Wells. He was the surviving husband of the Christian author Marian Wells. Marian wrote very popular Christian novels in the eighties but had died some years earlier before we had a chance to meet.

I was not aware of Mr. Well's connection until I mentioned that I liked to write. Suddenly, I had an encourager behind me! He was certain I needed to attend the Christian Writer's Conference coming up in Colorado. I wasn't certain, but he kept on me.

I began to pray that if I received a $1,000 tax refund that year, I would go. That was the exact amount I needed. I was reasonably sure that would not be the case. I thought I had a good excuse not to go. The refund that year was exactly $1,000. I had to go; I had promised Mr. Wells.

It was there I received the confidence and enthusiasm to write. Before going, I spent frantic time composing short, magazine-length manuscripts and had a full briefcase to take with me to show editors. They were received well, and a sale came from one. I also signed a contract to do devotions for Standard Publishing, which lasted until their format changed. One editor suggested that the manuscripts should go toward a book rather than splitting them up.

I returned home with new resolve and did start on a book project. It grew out of control and became muddled in the growth, and I eventually put it in a file. There it has rested for a number of years.

When isolation from COVID began, I continued to write in my journal. It was sometime in that first year that God began working in my spirit once again to write a book. I ignored it at first. The whispers became louder. The signs became frequent. The virtual sermons and readings more pointed, until I finally acknowledged the truth.

But I needed a new computer setup. I didn't really have an idea on what kind of book. The only thing I could do was give myself and the project over to God to fix it all. I had my own ideas for a book, but God changed the entire message and content. When I asked Him what I was going to write, He answered, "It is not what you will write, but My words, which I will give you to write."

I immediately thought of the many times God did exactly that with His prophets. Write this down. Moses, Isaiah, Habakkuk, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, and John—all were given those words.

From that point on, it became clear the direction this was going to go. I sat and typed while words played in my head. When I got stuck, I simply asked.

It became my story. It told of an isolated, sometimes lonely, seventy-three-year-old woman who was determined to let God teach her and help her grow. The world became chaotic and unmanageable as I watched out my window, but I learned that was part of the lessons for my growth. I cycled through all the emotions that the public was experiencing, and each one was a lesson in God's love and my trust in Him. I watched the news and saw feelings identical to mine from good people struggling with the same issues.

I had no idea this would turn out to be about me. With the writing of it, God cemented the lessons He had given me. I was never sure what direction each chapter would take, as it unfolded as another example for me. Somewhere in the middle of the project, I began to doubt the validity of the book (Satan no doubt). God reminded me, with a great deal of clarity, that if Noah had built the ark and it never rained, he still would have been correct to spend one hundred years building it. Noah would have been obedient. If he had spent the next one hundred years watching it rot in his backyard, he could still take comfort that the project was appropriate. God only asks us to be obedient. The results are His.

I pray someone will find comfort in the lessons I have learned. If nothing else, I have learned to simply stand for God and hold on to the rock.

Chapter 1

Stationed on the Ramparts

The battle rages outside the city walls. The valiant horse soldiers hold the wall. Each rider defends the circle of combat that is his own. He is physical, adrenaline charged. He wheels, dodges, swinging and thrusting his sword with the precision of a warrior.

My body meets the challenge. The sword is power in my hand, limitations few. I hold my territory. My horse spins, leaps, and responds to every command for survival. Then he stumbles. I slam to the ground and am trampled by the chaos and madness.

August 2, 2007, was the day my horse fell, literally, and rolled over me, breaking me into pieces. It was also the day the strength went out of me, and my world changed. I was carried behind the city walls to recover. I heard the commotion outside and longed to rejoin the activities of my world. I missed that physical element of my life and became lost; my inner compass gave me no direction. I looked for my horse. But he had fled, and I was on foot.

God revealed Himself to me just days after the injury. He walked with me through the inner walls of the castle. He showed me small rooms with cots where men lay injured. Then He showed me the room and the cot where I saw myself.

Is that me? I asked.

Yes, my child, that is you. You need to heal, but you will not be sent out into the battle again. Your assignment is going to change. I will place you on the wall.

God began speaking, and my writing changed from studying to listening to Him. Even as I wrote however, my eyes strayed to the city gates where the action continued without me, and my personal battle moved from body to mind and heart. The siege within me continued for two and a half years while I healed.

In the spring of 2010, I forced the gates and ran once again, onto the battlefield. I mounted a dressage horse and was planning to take new territory. While riding, I had a coronary event and was again taken behind the walls. My left ventricle wasn't functioning, and I began to accept my limitations, but grudgingly.

Again, God spoke, Do you love Me more than these?

More than what, Lord? What are you saying?

Do you love Me more than your horse, more than riding? Do you love Me more than your equestrian identity and lifestyle? Do you love Me more than your life?

I peered into my tack room. More than these? As I watched grazing horses from my car window and gazed at pictures of my favorite horses over my desk, More than these? Oh, dear God, yes, more than these.

Hannah Hurnard, in her book Mountains of Spices (1977), states that the individual will, although it has been set free for a time to be distinct, is so shaped and fashioned that it yearns back instinctively and with unquestionable longing for reunion with that from which it came forth. At that moment, my will returned to the source, my Creator, my God. I have since learned that limitations are not binding. They are freeing. I no longer feel the need to live with physical strength on the ground. I am free from guilt at not joining the skirmish, pushing past my limits, and wasting my body. The committee boards, volunteer ministries, teaching and civic duties were greatly diminished. God has called me to the wall.

I, like Moses, questioned my ability to stand watch. God's answer was immediate.

Now then go, and I, even I, will be with your mouth, and teach you what you are to say. (Exodus 4:12, NASU)

It is not a step-down! My responsibility has grown from holding a small piece of ground to watching over the army. From this vantage point, I see the battle with new understanding of strategy. I am now the trumpet and am held accountable. If I don't warn, the death of soldiers and citizens is on me (Ezekiel 3:33).

Now the words I hear have new direction. I look not at yesterday but stand on the watchtower of today. Son of man, take into your heart all My words which I will speak to you and listen closely. Go to the exiles, to the sons of your people, and speak to them and tell them, whether they listen or not, ‘Thus says the Lord of God' (Ezekiel 3:10–11, NASU).

It is a sobering job, and one I take seriously. I know there will be hardships to endure (2 Timothy 4:5), time responsibilities (Ephesians 5:16), and a ministry to fulfill (2 Timothy 4:5). Most important is accurately handling the word of truth to present in my writing (2 Timothy 2:15).

I will stand at my watch and station myself on the ramparts; I will look to see what he will say to me, and what answer I am to give to this complaint. Then the Lord replied: Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. (Habakkuk 2:1–3, NIV)

Chapter 2

Possess the Land

I was told to go. Not that I did not want to go, for I planned to do it. I had been waiting twenty-five years for God to release me and tell me it was time. Hearing God's voice is sometimes a still small whisper that may sporadically be heard over days or weeks. It may be just a sense of a voice behind you. In this case, it was a clear, voice of few words, It is time.

My daughter was seated next to me in the car as we headed home from a visit, which was five hundred miles from home. We were chatting comfortably when something was said that struck me as unusually important. Then I heard it. It is time. I do not remember what she was saying. I only remember what God said! How strange, His voice seemed to fill the car with those words. I knew the meaning of the words without hesitation or doubt. He was telling me it was time to return to my hometown, a small town of 1,200 population.

Twenty-five years earlier, I had tried to do just that, but life got in the way. I continued to point myself in that direction, but it seemed God had other things for me to do and reasons it was not time. I had a good job. I built two homes. Then the economy collapsed, and houses weren't selling. I was in places of growth and learning and felt that was where I needed to be. Most importantly, I was acquiring the ability to wait on God and let Him bring growth to my spiritual life. In all those years, I waited. I retired and waited further. I began to visit my hometown for a week each summer but had no sense that it was the time to move until that last visit in 2015.

When I arrived home that day, I stepped into my house and saw everything differently. Suddenly I was looking at every belonging from two directions: does this go, or does it stay? I had