My Tree Had No Leaves: A Story of Adoption, Feeling Lost, and Healing from the Trauma

By David Douglas

My Tree Had No Leaves is the true story of an adoptee's struggle to find his true self. Through a relationship with Christ, the author becomes vulnerable as he shares the story of finding his biological family. The story takes you on a journey of struggle, the softening of his heart, and his accepting the reality of adoption. As the author "changes the relationship he has with his life," acceptance, understanding, and grace lead him to a discovery of truth.

Becoming a "volunteer" in recovery from a life of not knowing his biological family, he discovers that his biological family does not make him who he is.

This true story is filled with life issues. Some of them stem from a lack of self-worth; others are due to anger and resentment of being adopted.

Finally understanding everyone has struggles and life issues allowed the author to start the search for his true self.

The truth is, God loves you, He always has, and He always will.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Dec 5, 2022
• ISBN: 9798886850529

Book preview

cover.jpg

My Tree Had No Leaves

A Story of Adoption, Feeling Lost, and Healing from the Trauma

David Douglas

ISBN 979-8-88685-051-2 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88685-052-9 (digital)

Copyright © 2022 by David Douglas

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1

This Is My Story, Not Yours

Chapter 2

I Will Make My Own Family

Chapter 3

Second Wife, Better Life? Not!

Chapter 4

A-Dad and Joe

Chapter 5

Disaster Strikes

Chapter 6

I Need to Get Out of This

Chapter 7

More Disaster and Distant Family

Chapter 8

Divorce and Awakenings

Chapter 9

Out of the Ashes

Chapter 10

Then DNA Mapping Enters the Picture

Chapter 11

The Moments of Truth

Chapter 12

Reality Hits

Chapter 13

The Truth Is Revealed!

Chapter 14

Where Do We Go from Here?

Chapter 15

The Trip That Changed Everything

Chapter 16

The Meeting of My Life!

Chapter 17

Perry Makes a Visit

Chapter 18

Mother's Day

Chapter 19

My World Will Never Be the Same

Chapter 20

Roxie and Arlyn Come to Visit

Chapter 21

The Birthday Surprise

Chapter 22

COVID Interrupts the Flow

Chapter 23

Another Reunion

Chapter 24

The Trip Continues

Chapter 25

Birth Moms

Chapter 26

Adoptee versus Biological Children

Chapter 27

Transracial Adoptions

Chapter 28

Fitting In

Chapter 29

You Can't Wait until Life Isn't Hard Anymore before You Decide to Be Happy

Chapter 30

Victim or Volunteer? (Victims Suffer and Volunteers Recover)

About the Author

I dedicate this book to my mom, Roxie Watkins. Without her, I wouldn't have a life. She is a selfless woman who made a decision many years ago that affected both our lives. Roxie made a tough choice, lived with that decision, and faced it when she needed to.

To my dad, Arlyn Watkins, I get my devastatingly good looks from you. You are a quiet soul with a big heart.

To my siblings:

Garth Littrel, my eldest brother. I wish we had more time to talk about cars.

Matthew Littrel, the big brother I never had.

Marta Littrel Wirth, I love the dry sense of humor we share.

Ann Watkins Vittori, my artistic sister with a big heart.

Bennett Watkins, a hardworking man who can build anything.

Perry Watkins, I think we must be twins.

Holly Watkins Swearingen (BSH), the family organizer and caregiver.

To all my biological family who accepted the adopted kid and made me feel a part of the family.

To my wife, Sherrie, who stood by me and helped me search. I love you, Snoop-Dog.

And my children, who were excited about my search.

Lastly, I dedicate this book to my adoptive parents. They took on the challenge of raising a child who needed a family. Gordon Douglas, Mary Douglas, Janice (Douglas) Collins, and Don Collins.

Introduction

I have a fantastic story to tell of adoption, feeling lost, and finding the leaves of my family tree. I am not a doctor, therapist, or licensed counselor. I am a retired mailman who now directs addiction recovery facilities. My days are spent assisting those who struggle with addiction because of life trauma and bad choices.

It has been said that adoption is a form of trauma. I understand the concept; however, I never felt traumatized. Now that I am sixty-three years old and have found my biological family, I am starting to understand the trauma. The trauma was never part of my life because I kept it buried, but it affected everything I did. The wound was never opened because society told me that I was lucky because I had a family that chose me. The part about being chosen is the trauma. Not knowing the circumstances behind my adoption left me feeling unchosen, regardless of whether my adopted family chose me or not. There was still someone who did not choose me—someone whom the world says was supposed to choose me. Sometimes, giving up a child for adoption is the best choice. Trauma will occur, but it doesn't have to define the parties involved if appropriately handled.

Many times, B-parents choose adoption for the welfare of the child; other times, it is because they didn't feel like they had a choice. Not having a choice is what causes the trauma. I always knew that I was adopted, but because it was a closed adoption, I had no choice but to deal with the life I had. I could only speculate on what the circumstances of the adoption were. There was a bio-mom and bio-dad somewhere, but I had no choice. For some, this is an overwhelming feeling of disconnect. Others like me just learned to bury the thoughts and live the life we had. B-parents are also traumatized because of a lack of choice. Once the child is put into the system, B-parents suffer from not knowing what happened to the child. Lack of choice can be traumatizing.

As I looked back on the writing of this book, it became evident that the word trauma was used often. Please don't get caught up in the severity of this word. Many times in this story, the word trauma could be replaced by the word affect or effect. It can be said that everything in our life has some effect on how we perceive the world. Trauma does the same to our minds.

The trauma is caused by not knowing the circumstances behind the adoption, the separation from the womb that carried you for nine months, and the feeling that things just aren't right. Then, more trauma can be added when we find less than pleasing circumstances behind the adoption. Searching for a biological family is like playing Russian roulette. We desire to know but are afraid of what we might find. Therefore, I put off my search for sixty years. My trauma caused an underlying feeling of not fitting in. I had parents who loved me (mostly) and an adopted brother who looked nothing like me. I also had stepbrothers and stepsisters, but something was always missing. I have often told people I was an only child.

The trauma can be more profound in some people than in others. Circumstances can exacerbate the trauma, and other traumas in the adoptee's life can add to the volume of adoption trauma. Our place as adoptees is to quit expecting the world to understand. We all have some form of trauma in our lives, and we should all be more understanding. The trauma of adoption is no more or less than any other trauma. It is trauma from a primal wound. It is a wound of separation without explanation. Adoption loss is the only trauma where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful, says a quote by the reverend Keith C. Griffith.

As adoptees, we have a right to feel this trauma, but we also choose whether we allow it to control us. Through this book, I hope to share options for healing the trauma. By sharing the perspective of others through my research, I hope for love and understanding to help us all adjust to life on life's terms. It can be beneficial to have counseling, so if you are struggling with your adoption trauma, please seek help. Adoption trauma is unchosen, just like all other traumas. Someone who is raped or robbed did not choose to be a part of that trauma, but they do get the opportunity to decide how they deal with it. Everyone is a product of some trauma in our lives, but the world sees different traumas having a higher level of severity than others. The world does not get to choose how the trauma should make you feel. Trauma can be multiplied for those who found biological parents who still did not want to connect with them; the world does not get to rate the severity. A child who has lost a parent to death in the early years of their life receives love and sympathy from a world that understands the loss from death. Yet the world we live in does not understand the feeling of loss suffered by an adoptee.

The missing piece for adoptees is that we will never know if the trauma would have been worse had we not been adopted. Our lives may have been more complicated if the B-parents had raised us, but knowing that does not fill the void in adoptees. I was given a significant bit of advice before starting my DNA search. Someone told me to make sure I know who I am before starting my search. They told me I was about to find biological information from my search, but it does not change who I am. The information could be what I had always dreamed of, or it could be something I would wish I had never discovered. Either way, I am an individual that makes my own choices, regardless of where my DNA originated. Many adoptees never present with outward symptoms from the trauma, but we all need a safe place to work out the details with someone who truly understands adoption trauma. Doing so allows us to understand our choices and move forward. The wound will always be there, but it can heal.

I also want to address the