E. D. Gopher: A Political Satire Novella

By Ron N. Wallace

Ed woke up with the blaring alarm! He almost wished he didn’t live in an advanced gopher civilization with jobs, electricity, and trains to the office.
So begins the novella, E. D. Gopher. After saying goodbye to his wife and kids, E.D. never makes it back to the office. Instead, he finds himself as the leading voice in an unusual and desperate struggle for survival, for himself and his fellow Gomericans.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Apr 15, 2010
• ISBN: 9781449095543

Ron N. Wallace

Born in Stamford Connecticut, after two years at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, Ron achieved a BA in English from Kalamazoo College in 1976, with emphasis in Creative Writing. His trade has been writing Advertising. His novel, 17! Is a fun story of high school students on Halloween 1971 – far from the backdrop of the Vietnam War. 17! Placed high in a National Writers Association novel contest! Also now available for preview and $9 ebook online at authorhouse.com, or in big paperback from AuthorHouse at 888-280-7715, or from your favorite bookstore, you can order and enjoy his “unappreciated wife runs for President” novel, titled, Sheila For President?

Book preview

1.

ED WOKE UP WITH the blaring alarm! He almost wished he didn’t live in an advanced gopher civilization with jobs, electricity, and trains to the office.

Slapping off the buzz, and massaging the tiredness from his small gopher eyes, he then rolled out of bed. Quickly, he brushed his teeth in the bathroom. Back at the closet, he pulled on the favorite suit, and walked out on all fours to perform the daily routine of waking up J. Steve, his sixteen-year-old son, and Tosh, his senior-in-high school daughter.

At this time it was customary for Mrs. Gopher to rise, and in the kitchen now to meet Ed with his scrambled vegetables, after he had read The Gopher Times in the family room.

The stock market bounced up back to normal, Juanita. Good thing I was with those Gopher Market Stopgap Orders, to sell before the big drop, and then to reinvest low again! said E.D. trying to start the day on a positive note.

You just take any lumps you’re taking, Edward, and apply yourself to the restaurant in the city. How was your day yesterday?

It was great! We did $2,300 gomallers. The weather kept everyone in town, so they got up and came to my restaurant all day before they left the city.

Is that why you were home so late? asked his wife, serving him his vegetables.

Yes, and if it wasn’t for the only fifteen minute train ride, I’d be late for the early morning breakfast rush today. Thank you for the breakfast!

Well, my heart hasn’t acted up lately, said Juanita, knocking on her furry chest.

You just don’t push it, wife Gopher! I don’t care how busy you are with the Parent Gopher Association, and your Gopher Days volunteer projects. You keep it under control!

Oh, you worry too much, said Juanita picking up his plate, and doing the dishes behind the island counter.

J. Steve bounced into the kitchen. Ed looked up. What’s that gold thing in your ear, J. Steve?

A ring, Dad. It’s cool at school if you have a ring in your ear.

Your fur is getting longer. This isn’t the 60’s you know!

Elizabeth likes it, Dad.

And I assume you are studying?

Relax, Dad. I’ll be a lawyer. I just have to sow my wild buds while I’m young. Speaking of which, are my buds ready? I’ve got a jam session with Jimmy before English, said J. Steve, as he left the room and returned with his guitar, set it by the door, and sat at the counter eating his buds.

You’re telling me you’re going with a pretty young gopher, spending all your free time playing the guitar, getting your ear pierced, growing your fur, and in two years from now you’ll be accepted into a good pre-law gopher school?

Yeah, Dad. It’s really going okay. Relax.

I want to see your grades.

They don’t come out until Christmas. They’ll be there, man.

Man?

I mean, gopher. They’ll be there, gopher.

Gopher? You call your Dad gopher?

Dad, lighten up will ya?

Then, Tosh Gopher entered the family room in tight blue jeans, a silk shirt, with burgundy gophernail polish, and a gold chain around her neck.

"You’re not going to wear those to school Tosh, are you?" asked her mother.

Everyone wears them, said Tosh drinking her orange juice, and struggling to eat half of a grapefruit, because compared to her, it is so big, as she casually mentions, You’re not cool unless your blue jeans are.

What are we going to do with these kids, Ed?

"Lighten up, and I guess join ‘em. Okay. We’ll try it your way, but if the grades aren’t there, then you’re both grounded!"

"Grounded? We are grounded, Dad. We’re gophers, remember?"

Very funny. Now, I’ve got to get to the station, said Ed.

He picked up his briefcase, gave a long, loving kiss to Juanita, and bolted with precision for the door whistling, "Lighten up, huh? Maybe I’ll get my ear pierced today."

DAD! said J. Steve, and Father Gopher was gone.

After the short walk, at the station he met his buddy, Henry, and they waited for the train.

How’s it going? asked Henry.

Kid’s got his ear pierced, plays guitar all the time. Daughter’s too young, but probably thinks too much about romance. Good day at the restaurant yesterday! Juanita’s heart seems all right. I don’t know. J. Steve says I’m supposed to lighten up.

"LIGHTEN UP? What’s that? Do you know what the market might do today?"

Lighten up. You know, not take things so seriously.

"HOW do you do that, Ed?"

2.

AT HIS RESTAURANT IN New Gopher City, E.D. proceeded with the weekday routine. Customers, especially stockbroker gophers, began to crowd the restaurant before the market opened. Everyone was still trying to recover from Down Wednesday when the Dow Gopher had a big drop.

It should just work! said Ed having coffee with his friends, and the serving of their breakfast.

What should just work, Ed? asked Stockgopher, coolly sipping.

"We’re in debt, but there’s got to be a way out. How are we going to get the gomallers necessary to balance the budget? For great tax money, we need like this incredible boom! Yet, it is as if we are continuing to eat a lot of fat, and gaining weight without exercising – by not cutting the budget, and not adding taxes. Even with the Warm War long over between Tunnel Number One and Tunnel Number Two, there isn’t the income to do all we’d like in domestic, let alone, foreign affairs. Yet there’s hope we can finally get things right throughout the Tunnels. And now maybe we can really help the poorest gophers in the Third Tunnel, remarked Ed, rather than spending that money on further war."

Do you realize how many gophers will be out of their job if we keep drastically cutting the military? said Baxter, a big gopher real estate mogul. "We need to come up with some bright ideas big time. Sure, it’s great we have peace, but how do we make the smooth transition into a feeling good peaceful gopher Tunnels-world, because peace is boring? Yet if money is our only problem – with formal debates now, rather than violence – then it is a happier day!"

Surely we have the genius about the gomaller thing, if we go slowly – yeah, with our Tunnels’ focus more on business, and not the military fight anymore, said Stockgopher. So we’re doing better. It’s a welcomed change.

"Yes, with everyone trying to make a gomaller, our energy is finally off the wars for who thinks right, and therefore, who has the most worth – so we’re able to be productive, not destructive. We’ll make more money, and have more agreements, and fun inner Tunnels social time!"

"Well, it is quite different now, said E.D., with us wanting to be friends, despite what we all think. Bad feeling has dropped off, and we can honor and be in it for every gopher’s happiness, with an overall, all Tunnels together view. – So how’s the grass?"

"Good E.D! Where is it from?"

Califoropher. Flown in fresh! Like that, it should just work!" concluded Ed as he got up from the table, and went into the kitchen to talk things over with the gopher chefs.

3.

CHARLIE! LINDA! HOW ARE you doing today? asked E.D.

Great E.D.

Great boss!

Just then, there was a knock at the back kitchen door.

E.D. went and opened it.

A spry, delivery gopher looked at him and said, Heh, Mac. You E.D. Gopher?

Yes. What may I do for you?

"We got the delivery you ordered yesterday. You know, the introductory short article on ‘Gopher,’ from the humans’ Gophers Are Our Friends book. It’s huge, gopher! Where do you want it?"

In here. Was it easy to get?

NO! It was very hard to run the humans’ eight and a half by eleven page, copy machine after hours, when they weren’t there.

Please bring it to the wall I’ve picked out for display.

"Well, it better be a big wall. It’s taller than us, and fatter!"

The two delivery gophers struggled with the bulk of the page, rolled it, and carried it on their shoulders through the back door. With gopher tape, they taped it to the sidewall of the kitchen, as it almost touched the ceiling.

Then, they all stood back and the chefs crowded around. E.D. signed the invoice, and the delivery gophers hurried to another job.

Why this page, Ed? asked Charlie Chef Gopher.

It’s the humans’ definition of us.

What’s it say? asked Linda Chef Gopher.

Well, let’s read it out loud, said Ed as he looked up, put on his reading glasses, and started to read….

"Gophers are small, and belong to the same animal family as squirrels and beavers, and even mice. They thrive in extensive tunnels under the ground. As vegetarians, their diet consists of roots, grass, vegetables, buds and nuts. They even hold food in the side of their mouths that are like pouches.

"Moving very slowly, they dig the tunnels with front teeth and big claws. And since they need little sunlight, and live deep underground in the dark, they can’t see very well. Therefore, they have real tunnel vision.

"Gophers are known to patrol their particular Tunnel-world, and except when breeding time, they guard their Tunnel to keep other gophers from coming in.

Known to live in North America, they are affectionately known as pocket gophers." This is because they are furry around their cheeks. Usually, pocket gophers don’t grow more than ten inches in length. With a wide, flat forehead, small ears and small eyes, short legs, and not a very long tail, they vary in fur color from white to slate gray to reddish-brown.

"Of particular interest is their hairless tail, which acts as an instrument of touch. The tail actually helps them back up in a tunnel.

So gophers are known as rodents.

"WHERE DO THEY GET OFF WE’RE RODENTS?" yelled Linda Chef Gopher.

Well, they’re right about one thing! said Charlie Chef Gopher.

What’s that? asked E.D.

The menu. They’re right on about the menu. I’ve been cooking our specialty farm fresh vegetables all day, and if you look at our menu you’ll see the rest – grass, nuts, roots, and buds.

How’s the grass selling, Charlie?

"It’s like anything else. You have to be in the mood for it. I mean if you’re real hungry, then E.D. Gopher’s Restaurant is great for roots, because you get a lot of them. Buds are very good in the Spring, with the