True You: A Step-By-Step Guide to Conquering Your Quarter-Life Crisis

By Tess Brigham MFT BCC

Brigham’s work as a psychotherapist and certified coach started after her own life transformation took place. At age 27, Tess seemed to have it all as a top Hollywood junior talent manager. But on the inside things felt empty and pointless. She took a huge risk, quit her job, and rebuilt a career and life she loved. Now she helps other young adults and early-career professionals navigate the same quarter-life process with her practical experience and insights on finding happiness and clarity. She provides tools and techniques that can powerfully shift an individual’s mindset and behaviors for overall well being.

True You: A Step-by-Step Guide to Conquering Your Quarter Life Crisis is a vital resource for those who are feeling stuck, uninspired, or uncertain by where they are in life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Dec 11, 2022
• ISBN: 9798765236215

Tess Brigham MFT BCC

Tess Brigham (MFT, BCC) dubbed the “Millennial Therapist” by CNBC is an expert psychotherapist, certified coach and public speaker. She specializes in helping young adults discover their unique life path in order to go out into the world and make an impact. Tess’ acclaimed one on one coaching empowers young adults to gain the confidence they need to create their dream life through concrete and actionable steps. Based in the San Francisco Bay Area, Tess has over 15 years of experience helping thousands of people find their purpose, develop their confidence and create a life they’re excited about living. She is a regular contributor at both CNBC and Forbes and was featured on the TV Show, “The Doctors” to discuss the Millennial mental health crisis. In addition, she has been featured in Oprah Magazine, The New York Times, SF Chronicle, NBC News, Huff Post, Insider, Yahoo! News, Marie Claire, BuzzFeed, Newsweek, Real Simple and more.

Book preview

Copyright © 2022 Tess Brigham, MFT, BCC.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by

any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying,

recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system

without the written permission of the author except in the case

of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Balboa Press

A Division of Hay House

1663 Liberty Drive

Bloomington, IN 47403

www.balboapress.com

844-682-1282

All names and identifying details of my former and current

clients described in this book have been changed.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or

links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may

no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those

of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher,

and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe

the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional,

or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly

or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information

of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and

spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in

this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author

and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

ISBN: 979-8-7652-3623-9 (sc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-3622-2 (hc)

ISBN: 979-8-7652-3621-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022920810

Balboa Press rev. date: 11/30/2022

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to all of the clients I’ve

worked with over the years. Thank you for

trusting me with the most vulnerable parts

of your life. Every single person I’ve worked

with has impacted me in some way and I

appreciate you sharing your life with me.

In Loving Memory:

Heather Combs & Lisa Sheridan

Thank you both for being a part of my 20s.

I couldn’t have made it without you.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I’m eternally grateful for all of the support and guidance I’ve received since starting this book.

Professionally I would like to thank:

Tara Rae Bradford for being my coach/editor/marketing genius/PR maven for the past three years! Truly this book wouldn’t exist without you.

Meg Bloom for taking my 70,000 words and creating something I’m really proud of.

Joannie Burstein and Mary Tonry, for not only being amazing bosses, but for patiently nurturing and guiding me through my 20s.

Abby Medcalf for always being there for me as a colleague, mentor and most importantly, friend.

Daina Coffey for always treating my business like it was your own.

Personally I would like to thank:

To my parents, Tom Brigham and Ann Einstein, I wouldn’t have been able to write this book without your love and encouragement. You gave me the strength, support and work ethic to believe in myself and to go after my dreams.

To my sister Brooke for being my big sister and helping me navigate through life. Even when you’re bossy I know you only want the best for me.

To my niece Layla for being hands-down the best niece in the entire world. You’ll be twenty soon so I hope this book can provide you the guidance you need.

To my two boys:

To my husband Steve for always supporting my dreams, having my back, and taking care of me this past year. You’re the reason I’ve been able to build my business and write this book and there are no words for how grateful I am.

To my son Max, being a parent has changed me and has challenged me to look at myself, even when I didn’t want to, and be better. You’re the reason I push myself to keep striving for my dreams. My hope is you go out into this world and create a life you want to live. Oh, and I love you more.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER 1:   HOW I BECAME THE MILLENNIAL THERAPIST

CHAPTER 2:   OUTSIDE NOISE

CHAPTER 3:   WHAT’S HAPPINESS GOT TO DO WITH IT

CHAPTER 4:   THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT SCARY

CHAPTER 5:   HOW OTHER PEOPLE’S STUFF CAN KILL YOUR VIBE

CHAPTER 6:   YOU’VE GOT VALUES

CHAPTER 7:   THE ONE WHERE YOU CHANGE YOUR LIFE

CHAPTER 8:   MESSY TESSY IN THE MIDDLE

CHAPTER 9:   DECISIONS, DECISIONS, DECISIONS

CONCLUSION

INTRODUCTION

Seven o’clock, Playa Del Rey, Los Angeles, California. It is the year 1999, and I am standing in front of my bathroom mirror desperately trying to curl my hair. I was on my way to Jennifer Aniston’s thirtieth birthday party thrown by none other than her then-boyfriend Brad Pitt. Only 1200 people were invited to this exclusive event—it was a really big deal.

Technically, the invite was for my talent-manager boss, Joannie, and I was her plus-one. The plan was for me to drive over to Joannie’s house on the westside, and from there the two of us would take the long trek to the Sunset Strip.

It was a warm L.A. night in February. As Joannie and I entered the nightclub, we were surprised to see only a handful of the 1200 invitees.

Jen and Brad were snuggled up at a private banquet with their inner circles. Joannie and I sat at the bar and watched the place fill up. We were all doing the same thing: we’d casually glance at Jen and Brad before scanning the room for someone more famous, more powerful, and more important than we felt. You’d spot someone, get their attention, then make small talk until one of you spotted someone better. Since I was an average-looking twenty-six-year-old working at a mid-tier talent agency, conversations didn’t last long.

But that was okay. I knew most of these big exclusive Hollywood gatherings aren’t much fun at the moment, but they’re fun to talk about after the fact—which IS exactly what I’m doing, twenty-three years later. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, that party would come to symbolize a high moment in a life I always thought I wanted.

My entire life I had one goal: to work in the Entertainment Industry. I would be surrounded by creative people making movies and TV. I’d have a powerful and important job, attend premieres, go to the Oscars, and at the end of a long day I’d drive one of my luxury vehicles to my mansion in the hills, obviously. At any cost—this singular goal kept me laser-focused on whatever I needed to do next to become Tess Who Worked In Hollywood.

When I figured out (pretty early, actually) that I didn’t actually enjoy the day to day of filmmaking, I didn’t let that stop me. I pivoted. And when my new direction wasn’t that much fun either? I pivoted again. And again.

At the time I thought I was being persistent and dedicated. I was following my dream and nothing was going to get in my way—not even my own feelings! (If any of this sounds familiar to you, you’re reading the right book.) Eventually, though, I burned out. I quit my Hollywood job. I moved back home. I did all the stuff you’re supposed to do when you’re starting over, but the biggest thing I did was something I could have done anywhere, at any time: face my feelings about where I was heading in my life.

Cut to many years later. I’m a licensed psychotherapist and certified coach. It took some doing to get here, but once I got in touch with my feelings, I realized that I was passionate about helping people build confidence and find the right path for them—so I became a therapist. Today I specialize in working with young people navigating the challenges of early adulthood (i.e., your 20s—eek!).

There’s a lot of pressure to make this decade count.

At the time I set up my practice in downtown San Francisco, 20-somethings meant millennials. I had heard about these millennials in the media and how they were entitled, spoiled and lazy but that didn’t match up with the young people who sat on my couch across from me. These young people were incredibly hard-working individuals.

They had graduated from good schools and landed what they believed were ideal jobs, but they saw thirty looming and felt like they had made some terrible mistake. They were successful on paper, but they were afraid they were on the wrong path, and they were desperate to fix the problem before they turned 30.

Not sure how they all got this idea that they needed to have their lives together by age 30 but the closer my clients were to that dreaded number, the more desperate they felt to fix their life. For some clients, it was all about getting married. Other clients would tell me they feared they were getting too old to be considered the next Mark Zuckerberg.

And while my clients feared the big 3-0, they also felt like they were constantly missing out on something, that everyone else must be having more fun. They placed a lot of pressure on the idea that the 20-something years were supposed to be the best years of their life. They assumed being young and single in a big city meant lots of friends and lots of time to hang out and bond with those friends.

There was a huge disconnect between what the media and older generations experienced during their 20-something years and what it meant to be young for this generation. Millennials were the first generation to grow up in front of the entire world, thanks to technology. Being on display has definitely affected how they navigate the kinds of decisions that my generation (Gen X) got to make either privately or within a trusted circle of people who loved us.

Millennials were doing something that no single generation before had ever done: grow up in front of the world. Suddenly an entire generation was being judged for doing what each and every one of us has done since the beginning of time—grow up. They were more vulnerable than we had ever been.

When I was in my 20s, if you made a mistake... no one was watching you. If you got drunk and acted like a fool, there would be embarrassing stories the next day but no real evidence of your misdeeds. When you broke up with someone, you didn’t have an easy way to keep tabs on them and ruminate about the past unless you started watching their house or place of business. Now, social media has made it impossible to move on—or measure up. Clients still tell me about how hard it was to get over an ex when it was so easy to follow their lives on Instagram.

And then there’s the math. Many Millennials worked tirelessly throughout the post 9/11 decade in the hope of a secure, fulfilling future, only to graduate in 2008 and find themselves mired in student debt during the worst recession in recent history. Fewer Millennials own homes than their parents did at their age because home prices continue to rise while minimum wage and cost of living increases stagnate. While all of that sounds kind of dry, the effects on how young people live—and how they feel about their lives—are real.

What parents, educators, therapists, and people of influence said to me when I was in my 20s just didn’t apply anymore. This is a brave new world we are living in—but we’re still treating 20-somethings like it was the 1990s. In other words, most of us have no idea what it’s like to grow up and become an adult while the world is watching, criticizing, and judging.

What if young adults of this generation—so vulnerable, so connected, so aware—received the guidance they really needed as opposed to the constant judgment and self-doubt they felt on a daily basis? I felt called to defend this generation and provide them the guidance they knew they needed, minus all the judgment they were getting from their parents, bosses, and the media.

About three (3) years ago I wrote an article for a national news organization and when I read the title, I was called the Millennial Therapist, and the name stuck. Once I started working with young people, I started to see how my own life experiences could help this generation. The more clients I worked with and the more I read and researched, the more I understood what young people were up against, and what kinds of tools really helped them navigate the world.

This book contains the most important concepts and ideas I teach my clients. It’s information every young person needs to learn in order to manage their 20-something years and beyond. Finding your unique life path isn’t easy but if you want to make a big impact and live a life that makes you want to get up each morning, it requires you to get uncomfortable and push past who you think you are and become the person you were meant to be.

While you may think you need someone to simply tell you do this or don’t do that