Enjoy the Gift of Childhood: Exchange Guesswork for the Science of Parenting Young Kids

By Kerrin Margiano

The study of children is a worthy course to embark on, both for them and for your own journey. Twenty years ago neuroscience began revealing how a child views life. This discovery has the potential to enhance both your parenting and your personal experiences. Viewing a child will bring to light clues about b

• Language: English
• Publisher: the Gift
• Release date: Nov 14, 2022
• ISBN: 9798987238103

Kerrin Margiano

I have spent decades recording how disparate learning processes are wildly interesting. My journey as a coach began in college, which is when I started noticing the wide variety of reactions to instructions. The young gymnasts had diverse triggers, and none processed training in the same way. As a twenty-year-old, it took time to accept their differences but learning to do this proved more valuable than my talent or theirs. I developed a pedagogy for young children and am driven to guide people to enjoy the early years. Later in life, I had four children, and watching their distinctiveness expand was the opportunity of a lifetime. I kept a journal for each, simply out of my own curiosity. It served as my record of their unique reactions to life. I did not think the writing would be of interest to anyone else, but then these journals became each child's nighttime storybook of choice. Most of the sentences were sloppily written in the midst of chaos, but the specifics captured could only be noticed at that crazy point in time. My decision to raise my four children on a rock in the Caribbean Sea, far away from family and society as I knew it, put an interesting twist on life. The small island gave me a chance to notice subtleties I may have missed in a faster-paced environment. When you get the opportunity to look from a different perspective, you have the potential to expand your view.What an exciting time to be alive, as recent discoveries provide the chance to exchange guesswork for the science of using the brain as a manageable resource. It is refreshing how scientists today can open-source their findings so more people can benefit. My B.S. from the University of Wisconsin is not in neuroscience. I learned about the accessible tools we all possess by experimenting on myself for half a century. We will walk around with this brain and body for our allotted time, so I consider conducting self-experimentation a valuable use of time. When trying something new is an opportune time to state an educated guess about how the variables will make me feel. I find it worthwhile to keep a record of experiments that improve the quality of my life. I seek out experiences that make me feel young. 1. Chances of staying young improve with maintaining mobility. The "Fountain of Youth," can be tapped if you enjoy the view while walking along the way. 2. Another secret ingredient to maintaining youthfulness is enjoying moments spent with young children. It makes me feel young when spending time with a child. 3. Leaving a positive review may help you look and feel younger, so please consider letting me know on Amazon if you found ways to enjoy the gift of childhood. Thank You! You can connect with me on: http://kerrinmargiano.com https://www.facebook.com/KerrinMargiano https://www.tiktok.com/@badassbrain https://www.linkedin.com/in/enjoythegift

Book preview

Kerrin Margiano

Enjoy the Gift of Childhood

Exchange Guesswork: for the Science of Parenting Young Kids

First published by the Gift 2022

Copyright © 2022 by Kerrin Margiano

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise without written permission from the publisher. It is illegal to copy this book, post it to a website, or distribute it by any other means without permission.

Kerrin Margiano has no responsibility for the persistence or accuracy of URLs for external or third-party Internet Websites referred to in this publication and does not guarantee that any content on such Websites is, or will remain, accurate or appropriate.

I have no affiliation with any person or company listed in the references at the time of writing.

First edition

ISBN: 979-8-9872381-0-3

This book was professionally typeset on Reedsy

Find out more at reedsy.com

Publisher Logo

This book is dedicated to Cora & Wesson, who are living proof of how fast the first few years of life fly by.

A special thank you to my four children, each teaching me in their distinctive way.

None of these words would have come to me without my first love, my mother. I call her my first love because that’s what she calls me, claiming that it’s hard to know what unconditional love truly is until you hold your baby.

Contents

Acknowledgement

Introduction to Enjoy the Gift of Childhood

Part I: BELIEVING

1.1: Believe in More

1.2: Enter Boldly

1.3: Limit Autopilot Mode

2.1: Into the Matrix

2.2: Entering the Zone

2.3: Visual: One of the Five Senses

3.1: Inherent Qualities

3.2: No Time Like the Present

3.3: Growing a Brain

PART I: CHAPTER CHALLENGE

PART I RECAP: OPTIMIZATION

PART II: BEGINNING

4.1: Begin with Perspective

4.2: Edible Bites

4.3: Gift of Tongs

5.1: Interpretation

5.2: Now Is the Time

5.3: Narrate

6.1: In Their Shoes

6.2: Notice or Not

6.3: Gatekeeper

PART II: Chapter Challenge

PART II: RECAP PERSPECTIVES

PART III: BECOMING

7.1: Becoming a Master

7.2: Establish Control

7.3: Cop an Attitude

8.1: Own It & Fix It!

8.2: Messy Moments

8.3: Internal Gardening

9.1: Nonjudgmental

9.2: Giving Up

9.3: Wrap It Up!

PART III: CHAPTER CHALLENGE

PART III: RECAP ATTITUDES

Conclusion

Epilogue

Afterword

Notes

About the Author

Also by Kerrin Margiano

Acknowledgement

Thank you to every parent and teacher trying to be a gift in a child’s life—without you I would not be here now, sharing these words. Thank you to my editor, Fiona Russell. I appreciate her expertise, keen insight, and ongoing support to birth this labor of love. I still don’t know if she knows all that she did to help make this book happen.

Some of the most surprising things happen at the moment you’re about to give up.

Sincere gratefulness to my family and friends that read and reread many drafts along the way. Thank you for your time!

Introduction to Enjoy the Gift of Childhood

It’s a logical challenge for adults to struggle while relating to young children, but few notice the underlying reasons. Each reason can be unwrapped and unraveled by the science of parenting young kids.

Are you ready for solutions? The panacea for our daily lives can be either bestowed or blocked by our own brains. We know each human to be both unique and complex. As science uncovers the creation of uniqueness, and as discoveries decipher the complexity, the guesswork is exchanged for a manageable resource.

This is not a scientific read. It’s designed into digestible bites because life can be hectic when children are young. Chew on a thought or two, because there is an exciting amount of delicious research to digest.

It’s not necessary for you to acquire impractical amounts of information about the brain in order to optimize your abilities and those of your child. Science has rolled out the red carpet for you to take the next steps of applying the information that has been accumulating. In this century, for the first time, we have scientific facts about how children operate that allow us to help them better than ever before.

Discoveries will grant us a greater understanding of ourselves and our children. The terms brain and mind have been used interchangeably in the past. In this book, we will use Dr. Leaf’s distinction, "The right and left hemispheres of the brain are like the top of a tree, spreading neural pathways of branches. The mind is the root system, and is the source that connects to what you are experiencing."¹

Children are prolific imitators of their experiences; their observations from infancy, through early childhood, are what creates the unique adult. It’s curious that human beings lack the ability to recall the early years of life. If adults could remember, we could relate to young kids and be more effective teachers.

We all go into parenthood blind, not even able to use our memories of that time in our own lives to help us know a young child’s perspective. Scientific evidence can now show that a developing brain has different advantages than previously hypothesized. It is an opportunity to have access to this new information and to become aware of the abilities and limitations as the brain develops.

Chapter One explores how different we all are.

Chapter Two reviews neuroimaging research & discoveries.

Chapter Three covers the accessible and inaccessible areas in a developing brain.

Chapter Four notices our delivery system.

Chapter Five details the path of interpretation.

Chapter Six is full of understanding & empathy.

Chapter Seven creates recognition of attitudes.

Chapter Eight presents management opportunities.

Chapter Nine observes this evolutionary time to be alive.

The analogy of an encased brain as the canopy of leaves on a tree was inspired by Dr. Caroline Leaf, a cognitive neuroscientist.² Visualize the root system absorbing environmental stimuli, then interpretations traveling to neural branches. Most of this process happens unconsciously for you.

Let’s view how children’s developing brains receive environmental signals differently — for just a few short years. A baby is like a seedling, and a young child is like a stem on their way to becoming a sapling. Most of what the young roots are experiencing is new and needs conscious interpretation. Explore how a young child absorbs and processes differently—from any other time in their life.

Part I: BELIEVING

Believe in More (Chapter 1.1)

Enter Boldly (Chapter 1.2)

Limit Autopilot Mode (Chapter 1.3)

Into the Matrix (Chapter 2.1)

Entering the Zone! (Chapter 2.2)

Visual: One of the Five Senses (Chapter 2.3)

Inherent Abilities (Chapter 3.1)

No Time Like the Present (Chapter 3.2)

Growing a Brain (Chapter 3.3)

There was a time when believing came naturally

1.1: Believe in More

Confidently—that is the way many enter the dawn of parenthood. New parents are secure with their plan of action, to either do what their parents did or do the exact opposite. Copying the examples, or revolting against them, will not provide the actuality that is rightfully deserved. The child will grow out of being young; but few adults will sow words the developing brain yearns for, while even fewer parents will reap the rewards promised for this time in life. Rising to face the challenge can cause new parents to wonder.

Where can parents find the time to enjoy childhood? Enjoying may be a stretch when many are just trying to make it through the day with their kids. A friend pointed out, during one of those challenging moments, that kids have the power to suck the very life right out of you. Admittedly, time spent with children can be exhausting.

This season of life hit me hard one morning at the grocery store. I stood in line, zoned out, working on autopilot to pile my food on the conveyor. By the time my walking-zombie self realized that we were surrounded—it was already too late. The carefully placed impulse buys, in a rainbow of colors, called out to all those at eye level. My poor planning left me telling my son "no candy and my daughter no touching."

I looked around to see if another line was moving faster but a shopper was entering our lane, blocking our escape. Swinging her basket of groceries, she strode up to our public scene saying, Oh, how I wish my children were all that size again.

I straightened myself up to look at her. She was impeccably dressed. Her hair remained perfectly in place as she leisurely put her few items on the conveyor. I may have glared a little—because I was pretty sure I looked as frazzled as I felt. Thinking back on the morning frenzy, I did not remember running a brush through my hair.

There was no time to respond to her, but my face said,  you’ve got to be kidding?!

As I crossed the finish line at checkout and immediately launched into the next race, I felt envious of that lady’s leisure. After getting the kids buckled in, I dared a peek in my rearview mirror. Looking back at me was a more disheveled self than I had pictured. My reflection forced me to wonder, How could anyone look at me and want to do that all over again? Now think about it—I am not talking about some heart-warming scene here. A person saw chaos at a checkout counter, and she seemed to miss it. The thought of her wanting to relive that time sounded crazy but begged the question: Are we all missing an important piece of the puzzle?

The time to listen, and learn, is when we can still use the wisdom. But with a plethora of parenting advice, whose wisdom should we consider? The author of Brain-Body Parenting said, What’s crucial isn’t understanding someone else’s guidelines but understanding how our parenting is ‘landing’ in our child. Once we have some insight into how a child is absorbing, we can begin to discover more personalized and more effective answers to common parenting questions.³

It’s tempting to say, No thank you, I have enough unwanted parenting comments! But sometimes, you do not even ask a question and older adults offer unsolicited advice like: Don’t miss a minute—each one is precious. I found sarcastic thoughts would pop into my head like,  Was there more time back then?

Nowadays, the lack of time and enjoyment are everyday symptoms of our fast-paced lifestyle. Parenthood, like the pandemic, can spawn symptoms of situational anhedonia. The condition of anhedonia can flare up when your environment feels overwhelming, or underwhelming, teetering your idea of enjoyment on a slippery slope. Individuals will recognize enjoyment uniquely, while some may not have time to recognize it at all.

The elusive pleasure older parents spoke of along with their sincere advice seemed more than a bit off-kilter. Their words sounded unbelievable, but how could so many come to the same wrong conclusion?

Parents have not yet learned what grandparents have come to know. Missed opportunities can arise when we have not allowed in new information during the time it would serve us best. Notoriously, people do not make time to learn when it’s needed most. We are all mere mortals, and yet we have access to the most complex tool in the known universe—the human brain.

Complex tools can be intimidating, but don’t allow feelings of apprehension to grow. Reading the research in this book is not intended to turn you into a neuroscientist. Let yourself explore how your brain likes to learn because it will give you daily advantages.

Take a moment to think about it. It’s worth your time, considering the fact that you will live and work with the brain you build for the rest of your life. Your child is destined to do the same. Depending on your point of view, the brain you are building can be seen as a menacing curse or a potential gift.

You aren’t alone if you look at learning with a sense of imposition upon your free time. Past experiences may have shown you a correlation between the complexity of a subject and your required study time. The human brain has a tendency to prefer comfort over complications. We now know that your unconscious brain may try to avoid new information unless you consciously decide you want to allow a new idea in. It can seem as if your brain works against you, but it is a valuable part of your team.

Our fascination with the human brain can be traced throughout history, but now the brain is no longer inscrutable. Thanks to the development of new research techniques, pieces of the shroud have been lifted. Brain scans make it possible to see your brain as a manageable resource that you can tap into. Tapping it will open the door to teaching your child to harness their natural resources.

You have a chance to help your children grow up with a healthier relationship with their thoughts. Your assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to consciously decide to be open to learning. Information about how your brain likes to learn was not available when you were growing up, so your preexisting ideas do not have the available facts. A quote from Mark Twain is still relevant for the skeptical brains of today.

It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble, it’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so. -Mark Twain

Now is the time to update outdated information:

Our willingness to apply new information will help our children not hand down the same problems to the next generation.

The cycle of trying to recreate what your parents did, but now in a time of different rules and norms, ends with you.

It is no longer necessary to try and copy or revolt against the parental instruction you received during your first few years that you do not remember.

Believe in more chances to enjoy these child-rearing years. Dr. Becky Kennedy, named the Parenting Whisperer, shared her advice: We can parent with a firm set of expectations and still be playful, we can create and enforce boundaries and still show our love, we can take care of ourselves and our children.⁴ Parenthood is hard, but not as hard and uncertain as the world of a child. Even though life can be challenging, for all parties involved, enjoyment is possible.

Young kids naturally excel at enjoying. You are never too old to set your sights on enjoying every step of the learning process and continue to follow new ideas of interest. To enjoy the gift of childhood may sound like a dubious endeavor, but that is precisely what we are going to do as the next chapter demystifies how your brain likes to learn.

1.2: Enter Boldly

Nothing in the known universe, no animal nor machine, can come close to learning as well as people. Let’s start calling the shots for this thing we all do so well. How you react to new information is unique to you and developed by your feelings about what is happening. To begin learning, you must convince yourself that the process is worth your time.

Once your brain believes that learning something new is worthwhile, it will release a balance of chemicals into your body, helping you focus on what’s gratifying, and giving you the energy needed to attain it. Research suggests that both your pleasure and memory can be affected by chemicals. Novel experiences give you a rush of the reward chemical dopamine.⁵ You cannot choose the chemicals released in your body but you can choose how you feel about the learning process.

Ready to demystify the learning process? Human brains start with a similar lump of matter. Basically, we all start out the same. Then, something singular happens! You interpret both your external experiences and your internal thoughts and create unique neural pathways. Creating new neural pathways and altering existing ones is where learning and adaptations occur. These dynamic neural pathways are continuously sending signals from one part of your brain to another. The neural pathways you select most become dominant and are what make you, you.

Dominant, and often used neural pathways will become your unconscious response to life. Children have more opportunities to create new neural pathway patterns because there is so much of life that is new to them. As children grow, development is only one source of variation. How each person feels about their internal and external stimuli makes for an infinite number of variations.

Each neural pathway pattern is unique, with associations coming from your version of your experiences and thoughts. Neural pathways are extremely powerful in determining your behavior. If you avoid change or learning, it’s probably because at some point you created a neural pathway that triggers a negative response when you receive new information. Let’s explore how your choice of responses about learning are the building blocks for who you become as an individual.

You create a neural pathway for every new thought, and your brain does this by making a connection between neurons. Your brain associates each thought with a pattern—a series of neurons connected by a specific neural pathway. And, what’s truly amazing is that no two people’s pathways for the same thought or experience look the same.⁶ The pattern of connections will be different from