My Memories My Story

By Ruth Sullivan

The blue collar industrial town of Gloucester City, New Jersey, is where I grew up during the 1950s and 60s. Years later, I found out that things during my childhood were not as they appeared. Secrets were kept and lies were told. After my mother passed away, I found out the truth. Then I wanted to know the reasons behind my mother's secrets. 

I found out so much more.

 

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ruth Sullivan
• Release date: Nov 7, 2022
• ISBN: 9798215883693

Book preview

Chapter 1

January 22, 2004

It was a cloudy, bitter , cold day in January. I couldn’t believe this was happening. How could this be? I was cold, I couldn’t get warm even with the heater on in the car. We turned into the driveway. Sully, my husband, was driving, and he pulled into a parking spot. My daughter Jeanette was in the back seat. She handed me her cell phone so I could call Joan, my younger sister. My son Robert was not with us today, he was working upstate. Joan and her fiancé Terry were only a few minutes behind us. Joan answered the phone.

I told her, Hang a sharp left on Main Street at the light, the place is a short distance away on the right side of the road.

There were only a few cars in the lot and Sully parked next to my older sister Clara. Her daughter Denise was driving. As I handed Jeanette her cell phone, she said, Isn’t that Denise’s car next to us?

Yes, it is, I said. They were still sitting in the SUV. It’s too early to go inside I guess. We stopped at a store on the way to pick up fresh flowers before we got there. Jeanette went in the store with me and she picked out peach colored roses. She was someone I could count on. She was always there for me. My sweet daughter was pretty with blue/green eyes, light sandy colored hair, and had a wonderful smile.

I saw Terry pull into the driveway. He parked at the other end away from the other vehicles. Joan must have been nervous today. As I looked in their direction, I thought they had a long, cold walk to the front door of the building. Clara climbed out of the SUV with her family.

I said to Sully, Let’s go. As we got out of the car, a small truck pulled in. Then another car. I walked around our car to greet Clara and her family. I felt sick to my stomach, it could be because I hadn’t eaten anything, but probably not. Clara had dark shoulder-length hair with gray streaks running through it. She was about five feet tall and wore glasses. We both had extra pounds on us that needed to be addressed. Her two daughters were with her; Denise, the oldest, has beautiful long red hair and Sharon has long brown hair. She resembled Jennifer Garner. Sharon’s husband Bill is with them along with Clara’s husband Ralph. I leaned over and hugged Clara as I handed her a rose. I gave her daughters one also. Then I said to her, Isn’t this awful?

I can’t believe he is gone, she said with tears in her eyes.

It was too cold and windy for us to stand there talking so they walked around to the front of the building. I glanced toward the other end of the parking lot. Joan and Terry were getting out of their car. As they walked toward us, I saw my brother Freddy’s son, Frank, and his son Michael get out of a small truck. Joan saw them also and walked toward them. She hugged each of the boys and introduced Terry to them. I was staring at Joan thinking, I can’t believe she doesn’t have a coat on, she must be cold. She wore a charcoal gray pinstripe pantsuit. She looked nice. Joan was about 5’ 6 and had short light brown hair, hazel colored eyes, and a few too many pounds also. Terry was a lot older than her; he was nice. As we walked over to them, I hugged Joan and said, You must be freezing. Where is your coat?"

I’m fine, I don’t need a coat, she said.

I thought her nervous energy must have kept her from feeling the cold. We walked around to the front of the building. A black limo was parked at the front entrance. As the doors opened, Freddy’s wife Jane and his daughter Linda stepped out. Linda’s daughter Melissa was also with them. We followed them up the steps into a small reception area. There was a TV set up on a table in one corner to the left. Double doors were on the right that were partially open to another room. I walked over to Jane and hugged her. She looked so sad and bewildered. As I handed her a couple of the peach roses, she said to me, He loved you, you know.

I know, I love him too, I said. That was all I could say to her. The lump in my throat was about to choke me.

WHEN MY BROTHER FREDDY was first diagnosed with lung cancer, he had a hard time breathing and speaking. Doctors had told him he was not a candidate for surgery because of the tumor. His daughter Linda called me to tell me about the procedures that Freddy would be going through and how the chemo could make him sick for days. She was so concerned about how he would feel.

I want him to be comfortable, not in pain. The chemo and radiation will make him so sick, she said. He has a couple different doctor appointments and other tests to get done in the next few weeks.

He has to decide what he wants to do. Hopefully, he will decide what is best for him, I said.

His children and grandsons got him a computer and set up an email account for him. That made it easier for him to communicate with us. He didn’t have to answer all our questions or phone calls. He was able to email us back when he was up to it.

A couple of weeks later, my daughter Jeanette and I went to Melissa’s house, Freddy’s granddaughter. We went to see her new baby girl Rebecca. Freddy was there holding his adorable great-granddaughter. It was wonderful seeing them together. He looked pretty good. I sat down on the sofa next to him and kissed his cheek.

Hi stink, how are you? he asked as he smiled.

I’m good. You look good Fred and she is so adorable, I said.

She is, isn’t she? I started my Radiation treatment. The first time took a while. I had to stay still for a long time. It was uncomfortable. Next time won’t take as long because they marked the spots, he said.   

In October, we went to Melissa and Todd’s house again. This time for Rebecca’s Christening party. I was so happy to see that my brother was feeling good enough to be there. He had been going through a lot of tests and treatments. Freddy was all smiles holding his great-granddaughter. He looked good. I was not sure how he was feeling, but it was great seeing him again and all the family. Our time together was precious.

Freddy emailed me in January to tell me about his doctor appointments and the tests that he had done. He said, I’m hurting after having a bronchial scope done. I take a pill, go to sleep, wake up, another pill, and sleep again.

The meds are helping you sleep through the pain? I feel so bad for you.I hope you feel better tomorrow, I said. At times, he was funny, telling me he looks at his X-rays.

With my trained medical eyes, nothing has changed or grown, but I may be biased, he said.

Sometimes when I emailed him, I asked him about our family, and relatives that I did not know. He told me whatever he remembered about them. He shared stories with me about Hunter Street and the apartments Dad set up in the house. I didn’t know any of that. It was all before I was born.

I’m going to Elmer’s next week to see the guys at work. I haven’t seen them in a while, he said.

That sounds great. I hope you have a good day seeing the guys, I said. I enjoyed our conversations and I thought Freddy did also.

Chapter 2

January 22, 2004

As we stood in the small front room of the funeral home I saw Mary, Freddy’s youngest daughter. She had beautiful blonde curly hair and bright blue eyes. I walked over to her and we hugged. We were both trying to hold back the tears. Her two boys were with her, Joey and Nicolas. We both noticed a tall man dressed in a dark suit from the funeral home as he walked into the room. He stopped in front of the table in the corner that held the TV. We all watched him as he turned the TV on, then our attention was drawn to the video slideshow. I watched photos of Freddy at different times during his life with family and friends.

Clara stood on my left. Joan was on the right side of the room. I knew that Sully and Jeanette stood behind me. Mary’s son Nicolas was in front of me. He was about 12 years old, with light hair and so cute. He leaned back as I hugged him. He was so sad looking. His grandfather, my brother, was gone.

Linda walked over to me and we hugged. See all the photos you gave him.

Yes, you did a great job on the video, I said. For the last year and a half, when I went to see Freddy, I always took copies of old photos or documents to share with him. I copied all of the old photos I could get my hands on to share with family.

As I wiped the tears from my cheeks, I said to Linda, I don’t have that photo. He was so young and handsome. It was taken when he was stationed in Alaska during the Korean War. He wore a straw hat and a Hawaiian shirt.

As she smiled through her tears, she said, He’s not in pain anymore.

Yes, I know he’s not suffering, I said. The video slide show was wonderful to see but so sad to watch. 

When the video stopped, Jane was ushered into the next room. All the chairs were facing the front of the room. Her children followed her up the aisle to the front then she sat down on a long white cushioned sofa. There was a table a few feet directly in front of her with a small wooden box on top. On the lid of the box was a gold cross. Freddy was cremated. All that was left were his ashes. I took the last peach rose and placed it next to the small box. None of it felt real. How could this happen? I looked up with tears in my eyes. To the right, I saw a large white poster with photos of Freddy attached to it. There were pictures of Freddy with his children, his grandchildren, and his wedding day with Jane. There were also Army photos and a photo of Freddy with Joan and me a few days after Christmas. I smiled to myself and thought about that last visit with him when he called me Stink. It was a pet name he called Bobby and me when we were in our crib still wearing diapers. There were more photos on another poster to the left. They made me smile and cry at the same time. Such wonderful memories of my brother. He was tall, good-looking with big brown eyes. A kind and quiet guy, he loved his family.

IT WAS 3:40 IN THE morning when Jeanette called us on January 17th. Melissa called me a couple of times but we didn’t hear the phone so she called Jeanette. They took Uncle Freddy to the hospital by ambulance. He was having a hard time breathing. It doesn’t look good, Mom. He wants to see everyone because he knows this is it.

What? He said that to them? Oh my God. I’ll call Melissa, I said as I hung up.

It was upsetting to hear that he thought he was dying. I called Melissa and she filled me in on what had happened. He had pneumonia in both lungs and had been on morphine for over a week. The cancer in his lungs had spread to his spine. After I hung up the phone, I got dressed and then called Joan, Bobby, and Clara to tell them about Freddy. Sully drove me to Kennedy hospital in South Jersey. We got there right before 6:30 a.m. Freddy was in the ICU.

When I walked in to see him, two techs or nurses were working on Freddy. They were adjusting the oxygen mask he had over his nose and mouth to help him breathe. He had an IV in his arm, a pulse indicator on his right finger, wires connected to his chest, and a blood pressure cuff on his other arm. Freddy looked pale, much older looking to me than the last time I saw him, which was only two weeks ago. He looked up and saw me. I walked over to him and kissed him on the cheek. The lump in my throat hurt so bad I was afraid to speak. His eyes were wet, I couldn’t tell if it was tears or not. Freddy was trying to speak. I didn't understand what he was trying to say. All I could say was, I love you, Freddy, I’m so sorry. His voice was so low, he had the oxygen mask on but it was plain to see he was frustrated.

Linda and Melissa walked into the room and explained to me what had happened. Linda said, He hasn’t slept in 24 hours and his breathing got worse. He was having trouble breathing. He needed help.

Freddy looked up at me and said something again; it was hard to hear him. I leaned closer as he asked, Is Sully with you? I want to see him.

Yes, he’s in the waiting room. I'll go get him, I said. I walked out into the waiting room and told Sully that Freddy wanted to see him. Jane sat in the waiting room talking to her daughter Veronica and granddaughter Stacy. I walked over to her and sat down. We hugged. She was crying and upset. Then I walked back in to see Freddy.

Linda was leaning over Freddy, listening.

Ask the nurse to check her blood pressure while she is here, he said. He was worried about Jane, his wife. He wanted to make sure she was taking her blood pressure medicine. Linda left the room then Sully walked over to stand next to his bed. Freddy said something to him. Then a minute or so later Sully left the room.

Freddy was having a terrible time breathing. It’s cold, the air, he said. He pulled on the mask. The straps were too tight around his head so Melissa loosened them. He looked at me and said, I love you, stink.

I know. I love you too, I said, trying not to fall apart.

Where is Bobby? Is he coming? he asked.

Yes, I called him earlier. He's on his way, I said.

Veronica, his daughter, came in while the nurse was working on the oxygen machine. Fred kept trying to turn his head to see what the nurse was doing. I asked the nurse, Please explain to him what is going on.

He needs to stop talking and concentrate on his breathing. He came in with carbon monoxide poisoning, he said.

I was surprised to hear that. No one mentioned anything about that. Then I told him, My brother is smart. He wants to know what you’re doing. Then the nurse moved the machine closer to Freddy. He explained to Freddy that he needs to keep his mouth closed and breathe through his nose so the oxygen gets to his brain. Linda and I went back out to the waiting room and I noticed Sully wasn’t there.

Someone took Jane home so she could get some rest. My brother Bobby and Shirley walked in a couple of minutes later. Bobby, Freddy wants to see you. He asked where you were, I said.

I can’t believe this. Where is he? he said.

I took him into the room where Freddy was. It was obvious by the look on Bobby’s face that he was shocked to see Freddy in that condition. I stood in front of Bobby so Freddy couldn’t see Bobby’s reaction.

He said to me, What the hell happened? He looked fine the last time I saw him. Man, I can’t believe this. Then he walked around me over to Freddy’s bedside.

I left the room to give them time together alone. I felt so helpless. I kept praying silently, God help him, please. Again, I did not see Sully in the waiting room. I don’t know where he went or what Freddy had said to him.

WHEN SULLY AND I LIVED in Gloucester City, NJ, in 1978, Freddy came over to our house after work sometimes. Dad had passed away in May from a long illness of throat cancer and alcoholism. I think my big brother was checking up on his little sister. Freddy worked at Elmer’s Auto Body in Collingswood. I loved it when he stopped over; It was always great seeing him. We would sit at the kitchen table for hours talking. He usually brought beer with him. He’d open a beer while I’d get out cheese and crackers to snack on. He always refused a meal, and never wanted dinner. We talked about Gloucester City and how it used to be when he was young. Some of the stories he told were about our Uncle Bob and him when they were kids; they were like brothers. Sully enjoyed the conversations as much as I did. Sometimes, my brother, Bobby, would stop over when he knew Freddy was in town. Then they would reminisce about all the old vehicles they had. It was amazing how they remembered the make and model of the cars they had and the repairs they made on each one.

One time when Freddy stopped over after work, I was scheduled to work that night at Cumberland Farms. He and Sully sat at the kitchen table while I got ready to leave.

Freddy said, I won’t be staying long. I gotta get home.

Stay as long as you want, I said as I kissed him good night. Be careful driving home, I love you. My babies were fed and all ready for bed. I kissed them goodnight and Sully. When I came home at 10:20 that night, Freddy was still sitting at the kitchen table talking with Sully. After I put the teapot on the stove, cut up some cheese, and got out crackers and pretzels to snack on, I sat down. I smiled at him and thought at that moment he looked a lot like Mom. I was glad he stayed another hour because we had so much more to talk about.

Chapter 3

March 1932

Mom and Dad got married in Elkton, Maryland, against her mother’s wishes. Mom lied about her age on the marriage application. She was only 18 years old and she was three months pregnant with Freddy at the time. They lived in Gloucester Heights with Dad’s mother Elsie Mae, his brother Leon, with his wife Teresa, and their son Lee. Freddy was born in late October in that house on Nichelson Road.

My cousin Lee and I contacted each other on Ancestry.com, a genealogy website. I hadn’t seen him in almost 25 years. He was in his late seventies, with thinning gray hair, heavy set, and he wore glasses.

I remembered helping your mother pick strawberries in the back yard. I must have been six years old at the time. She was nice to me and a pretty girl, Lee said. Your Dad was a good boxer. Did you know that he sparred with Jersey Joe Walcott at the Camden Arena? 

No, I didn’t know that but I did know he was a fighter.

When your Dad was a teen living at home with Elsie Mae, he had a canvas feed bag filled with sand hanging from the rafters in the old barn. It was a punching bag. He didn’t tell his mother he was boxing, because she wouldn’t approve of it, he said. My father told me stories about your Dad.

Dad was born in 1910. He was short, maybe 5’ 8", and he had blue eyes and light sandy colored hair. In later years, when I remember Dad, he was bald. He was medium built and strong. What I