Cut Yourself A Break: Using Self-Compassion to Move Through the Toughest Moments of Your Life

By Sarah Fletcher

What do people who have suffered through trauma, chronic illness, or bullying have in common?  They all need self-compassion.

You're probably thinking what am I talking about. I'm talking about the ability to cut yourself a break rather than beat yourself up. 

I'm talking a

• Language: English
• Publisher: Winchester Publishing LLC
• Release date: Oct 1, 2022
• ISBN: 9798986906713

Book preview

Introduction

Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. –Louise L. Hay

A water bearer in India had two large pots; each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years, this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his master’s house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.  The bearer asked, Why? What are you ashamed of?  The Pot replied, For these past two years, I am able to deliver only half of my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you don’t get full value for your efforts.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old, cracked pot, and in his compassion, he said, As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.  As they went up the hill, the old, cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wildflowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it somewhat.  But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws.  We’re all cracked pots.  In this world, nothing goes to waste.  You may think like the cracked pot that you are inefficient or useless in certain areas of your life, but somehow these flaws can turn out to be a blessing in disguise."

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The story of the cracked pot has been told for centuries to help individuals understand self-compassion. A little different perspective goes a long way. So far, in fact, evidence shows it can assist with mental and physical health, personal and work relationships, and even individual success. Understanding why people act the way they do helps businesses thrive, and the same applies to human beings. If we understand how different circumstances impact us, we can thrive in multiple areas of our life.

I should know since it’s how it worked for me. I wasn’t always the most self-compassionate person, and I believe it’s because I didn’t fully comprehend how certain events in my life impacted me. With a better understanding of their detrimental impact on self-compassion, I’ve learned to love myself, flaws and all.

There’s a Native American legend of a Cherokee teaching his grandson a life lesson where he talks about the war of two wolves inside him. One is evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. He told his grandson that this same war was raging inside him and every other person.

When the grandson asks, which wolf will win, the grandfather answers, If you feed them right, they both win.

The old Cherokee continues to explain that if one only ever feeds the white (good) wolf, the bad (black) wolf will be waiting around every corner to attack when that person is at their weakest. To starve the black wolf of attention would be to make it angry and resentful. If one acknowledges the black wolf, he will be happy, as will the white wolf, and everyone wins.

The black wolf has many qualities that the white wolf does not have, and in comparison, the white wolf has qualities that the black wolf does not have. We need both. If we feed them both, the idea is that there will be no struggles within us, and we can be at peace with ourselves and that at least is the Cherokee mission in life. Our peace will come from how we interact with these forces, by either starving the wolves or guiding them. My hope with this book is that it helps you to better understand the events that impact self-compassion and the two wolves inside you and, furthermore, to guide you on how to find self-compassion within yourself, whether it be for the first, second, or third time.

Chapter 1

Self-Compassion

A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life. –Christopher K. Germer

WHAT IS SELF-COMPASSION?

There’s a story by Lea Seigen Shinraku (2013) where she recalls an experience of self-compassion. She was driving home from school one evening when her car overheated. Stuck in the middle of the road, she put her hazard lights on. She was mortified as she was taking up space. Cars passed her beeping, and cyclists passed with their fists in the air. She called roadside assistance, AAA, and they reassured her a tow truck would arrive within half an hour. While she sat there, all she could think of were self-critical thoughts, why she hadn’t noticed the car overheating before, why it had to happen to her, and why she had to take up all the space.

That’s when there was a knock on the window. She feared he was going to complain to her. Hesitantly, she lowered her window, and to her surprise, it was a man who worked at a café opposite the street.

Would you like something to drink? he asked. We have tea, coffee, hot chocolate?

She was pleasantly surprised and said she would gladly take a cup of chamomile tea.

Then he returned with her tea, and when she offered to pay for it, he declined, stating, Don’t worry about it. I’ve been there.

As he walked away, she found herself analyzing the situation that this wasn’t her fault, and what was wrong with taking up a little space anyway?

Suddenly, she was interrupted by another knock on the window.

Are you allergic to honey? he said.

She answered, No.

He told her how he had added honey to the tea and just wanted to make sure she wasn’t allergic. She learned a life lesson in five minutes. When the man knocked on her window, she assumed he was there to criticize her because she was already criticizing herself. Instead, he had shown her compassion, and his gesture allowed her to be more compassionate toward herself and her situation.

That’s what compassion is, being kinder to oneself. Kristin Neff (2019), a pioneer researcher of self-compassion, states:

Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a stiff upper lip mentality, you stop to tell yourself this is really difficult right now, how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment? (para. 2)

She furthermore found that there are three pillars of self-compassion.

THE THREE PILLARS OF SELF-COMPASSION

Self-Kindness Versus Self-Judgment

Samantha Toffoli (2021) recalls a moment in high school when she practiced self-judgment. She had been playing tennis in middle school, and when she went to high school, she began participating in the school’s tennis team. As the game went on, the crowds started gathering. All of a sudden, something that had started off as fun was turning into a source of stress. Samantha found herself missing shots and losing control of her racquet. She started judging her performance and eventually became so annoyed that she began insulting herself out loud. Only years later, when she looked back, she understood she had been practicing self-judgment, and there had been no need for it. Instead of self-judgment, she should have been practicing self-kindness and recognizing her flaws or mistakes but not beating herself up over them. If we refer back to the two wolves, she was feeding her black wolf and starving the white wolf.

Self-compassion means understanding human beings' fundamentals: We are not perfect, and we sometimes fail. It means accepting failure and imperfection as a shared reality with all. On the other hand, self-judgment is those feelings of frustration and anger, which primarily stem from having critical thoughts. Being overly judgmental creates anxiety, which in turn can immobilize an individual because they become stuck in fear. When a person finds themself spiraling into critical thoughts, they should offer themselves compassion through warmth, understanding, and kindness. As Kristin Neff (2019) puts it, having compassion for oneself is no different from having compassion for