I'm Not Crying You Are: There Was Just Something In My Eye

By Brandon Harrison

One study (NCBI, 2014*) showed that 63% of Black people believe that a mental health condition is a sign of personal weakness. This belief has resulted in many experiencing shame in coming forward about mental health struggles for fear of being demonized within their own community. Ok. Full transparency, this is a deep dive into my own mental st

• Language: English
• Publisher: B. Shatter Poetry
• Release date: Sep 30, 2022
• ISBN: 9781088046739

Book preview

I'm Not Crying You Are

I'm Not Crying You Are

There Was Just Something In My Eye

Brandon Harrison

B. Shatter Poetry

I'm Not Crying You Are

Copyright © 2022 by Brandon Harrison

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

First Printing, 2022

This is for every black boy still lost on the road to his self. I pray you find your way. 

- Bran

Contents

A Note from the Author

i

I'm Not Really in love or Confessions of a kcuF aggiN

I To Weep

II What I'm Feeling

III Person

IV Signs

V Cheesy

VI Not In Love

VII What I Came For

VIII No More

IX Thin Mint (aka Low Budget Stripper pt. 3)

X #TDAF

XI Track

XII The Difference

XIII It Hurts

XIV Didn't Know

XV Branual

ii

I Don't Have Anger Issues or I'm Just So Angry All The Time

XVI Hulk Smash

XVII U.F.C.

XVIII A Convo Between Mutants

XIX Dysfunction

XX The First Time

XXI What I Wont Be

XXII Green

XXIII The Blacklist

XXIV Target Practice

XXV Snapped

XXVI The Gospel According to Guns

XXVII Coffee

XXVIII A Case of the Mondays

iii

I Don't Have Daddy Issues or Your Father Spit You Right Out

A Note About Fathers

XXIX Grandpa's words or wisdom...kinda

XXX Severance

XXXI Tell Him All The Things

XXXII To the CSM

XXXIII Thanos Attempts

XXXIV Brittanica

iv

I'm Not Lost or I Just Forgot the Directions

XXXV Sleep

XXXVI Insomnia

XXXVII The Pick Me Up

XXXVIII Self Sabotage

XXXIX Message In A Bottle

XL The Sauce Kick

XLI Something Sweet

XLII Six Words

XLIII Death Sentence

XLIV Dusty

XLV An Anthem of the South

XLVI Not So Kentucky Home

v

Wink Sweat and Other Lies or I'm Not Really Crying You Are

XLVII Wink Sweat

XLVIII My Friend Anxiety

XLIX Texts With God

L Birthday Magic

LI Punches Air

LII Am I Worthy? (Thor's Piece)

LIII This but not That

LIV The Thing About Mirros

LV But Did You Die?

LVI Call Them Out

LVII Picking Bones With My Skeletons

vi

Ok. I'm Hurting. Will You Help Me?

LVIII Resources

A Note from the Author

First things first, take this collection and all of its' contents for exactly what they are...parts, pieces and peeks into the ever growing masterpiece that is my life. Much like the cover of this book, think of this compilation like an art gallery I've let you into where each poem or prose is a framed picture for you look at as we journey together through this. The last part of the subtitle is something in my eye and if you know me or have had the pleasure of knowing me over the years, then you know I love acronyms and that part translates into S.I.M.E. an inconsequential play on words on my part meaning both yes, me and see me. So again I'm inviting you all to see me, yes me in the midst of it all. 

Compiling, constructing and finally following through with this project has taught and shown me so many things about myself, like the power of prayer and manifestation, the importance of asking, seeking and actively participating in your own healing and knowing that no-one else can help you heal you. I am super proud to present this work for you as it's just the next step in the healing process. 

Being frank, I've battled for a many a season in silence with depression, a demon I had not yet named until the writing of this letter. On that note, some of the pieces found within can or might be triggering to you, I apologize in advance and encourage you to take some time to recharge or recalibrate or even hit me up to discuss if you happen to have that type of reaction. There's plenty of poems in here that expose my soft parts and because balance...there are also a lot of surface level poems in here as well for you to enjoy and laugh at.

I hope that through this book I can encourage you or anyone who reads this to seek and get the help they need should they desire that for themselves. Remember this: suffering isn't sacred...it's shared. contrary to popular belief...we are all indeed, in this together.

Thank you. I love you.

-Bran

i

I'm Not Really in love or Confessions of a kcuF aggiN

Love can be a very frightening thing. That is why most great love stories are tragedies. -Hercule Poirot, Death On The Nile

I

To Weep

Crying is the dropping of tears in response to an emotional state, or pain or to say something loudly in an excited or anguished tone of voice.

Also see: to weep….

Amir Sulayman once said my father and my uncle, and their father and his father before them did not weep, and that…makes me weep.

I’ve been thinking about crying a lot.

About emotion about how this side of emotion is so new to me that usual me doesn’t like it

I don’t like it.

Because, the thought of you walking down the aisle to meet me at the alter instantly makes me want to burst out into my best rendition of a Derek Luke ugly cry, better yet a Morris chestnut ugly cry better still like an Annalise Keating/Viola Davis on that one episode where Bonnie died cry…at the sight of you standing before me and our family and friends ready to agree that…yes, through all of my quirks, that yes, with all of my snoring, my adhd, my love for anime and video games, my barely leashed hot temper…that you….the manifestation of all the things I prayed for but couldn’t voice, you the embodiment of all things I didn’t know I needed, you…with all of your accolades and perfections and imperfections that ensure that you…in the words of my auntie….just fit….chose me.

The thought of that decision….made flesh, made whole in front of our peers hell, in private makes me weep.

I’ve been thinking about crying.

Because who would console me if the lord saw fit to take you too soon? Who could keep me from hugging your casket, your tombstone, from laying out in your grave so they could bury me too?

If you hadn’t fell out the sky on that faithful day in early fall what might have befallen my life? I’d like to think that you’re not just my better half but my sacrificing savior’s solution to my happiness, my gift, the lord moving swift…ly….to ensure me I’ve been on the right path to you, with you,