50 Hilarious Long Story Jokes: With Related Morals and Tips for Delivery

By Mark White

Bartenders not only make fabulous drinks, but also can be great listeners, confidants, and a sounding board to bounce jokes off of.

Mark White, a popular bartender for over twenty years, shares a collection of clean jokes, related morals, and practical delivery tips designed to help the joke-teller communicate key life lessons in memorable ways to audiences of all ages and, most importantly, garner laughs. Many of the jokes are tailored for speakers who want to open a presentation with a key message while others are created to generate laughs around a campfire, entertain passengers on road trips, and charm guests at a dinner party. His jokes humorously reflect on such diverse subjects as pompous Scotch drinkers, dumb blondes, crazy Uber drivers, football game refreshments, and much more.

50 Hilarious Long Story Jokes is a collection of jokes, related morals, and delivery tips shared by a popular, seasoned bartender.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Apr 27, 2022
• ISBN: 9781665722148

Mark White

Dr. Mark White left his job as the bubonic plague epidemiologist for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) to start a new life in a large New York City Hospital. He fell in love with a vivacious Filipino nurse named Budsy Mendoza. They married in 1986, the year the People Power revolution overthrew the Marcos dictatorship. They moved to Manila and got jobs helping set up a CDC in the Department of Health. The couple stopped epidemics of cholera, typhoid, measles, malaria, hepatitis, and other tropical diseases. The political situation was stormy, and we lived through six military coup attempts. During the last, we investigated an Ebola virus epidemic.There were frequent natural disasters, including earthquakes, typhoons, and floods. The most memorable was the massive 1991 eruption of Mount Pinatubo. It spewed so much ash into the atmosphere that the global temperature dropped by two degrees C for two years. Mark and Budsy were charged with ensuring the health of 140,000 evacuees and were gratified when there was only one small outbreak among them. Later, after Idi Amin was overthrown in Uganda, the Rockefeller Foundation hired Mark and Budsy to help the government of Uganda develop an epidemiology training program. The revolution was still going on, so they had a tough assignment. One morning Budsy they found two men shot dead on our street. Then their maid discovered a murder plot against them.The Centers for Disease Control hired Mark to head the Division of International Health in 1997. A week before we left, I was electrocuted by a short circuit in a lamp and had to have a metal prosthesis put in to replace his broken humerus. They moved to Atlanta, where they helped create CDC-style training programs in health ministries in 12 countries and regions, including China, India, Brazil, Japan, Central Asia, and Central America.

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1. Big Jake

TIP: This joke is best told with a deep southern accent. Pause an extra second between each sentence in the first paragraph, speed up the pace on the second paragraph. Act out the third paragraph. Start trembling on the fifth and seventh paragraph. Act out the 6th paragraph. Tell the punch line with a very humble, scared, harmless, and dumb tone.

Back in the western days, there was this small dusty town. An out-of-towner came riding up into town. He found an old saloon that was crowded with people everywhere laughing, gambling, drinking and singing by the piano. He pushed through the crowd up to the bar. As soon as he got to the bar, an old geezer swung open the saloon doors and yelled Everybody out, Big Jakes a’coming!

Within a matter of seconds, the entire saloon was empty. The out-of-towner just stood there amazed at all the empty tables with cards, drinks, and money just left scattered around.

He noticed outside past the saloon doors a gigantic man come riding into town on an ox. The man stopped in front of the saloon and jumped off his ox. He made a fist and hit the ox right in the nose which made the ox quickly sit down.

The man pushed open the saloon doors so hard that one of them came flying off its hinges.

The man walked up to the out-of-towner. He picked him up by his neck and threw him across the bar yelling Whiskey!

The out-of-towner grabbed a bottle of whiskey and handed it to the man. His knees were shaking so hard that it sounded like somebody knocking at the door.

The big man bit off the top of the bottle of whiskey and chewed up the glass. Then he drank the entire bottle of whiskey and threw the bottle against the back of the bar.

The out-of-towner quickly stuttered, Do..you..wa..want..a.a…another whiskey?

The big man slowly and humbly replied Naw! I better git, Big Jake’s a’coming!

Moral

Never judge a book by its cover. Most people are much nicer than they appear once you get to know them.

2. Biggest Hog Contest

TIP: This one is only funny if you act out the punchline. The mental image at the end is the funny part. Keep the nouns G rated when telling children. You can use more adult language if the audience would relate better to different nouns. A longer description of the explosion can add extra humor if you have the audience engaged.

There was a man who was going to enter his hog in the State Fair contest for the largest hog. But a couple of weeks before the contest, the hog got a bad case of diarrhea.

The man decided to take a huge carrot that he had pulled from the garden and plug up the hogs behind.

It worked. The hog kept eating and got bigger and bigger every day. He was bigger than ever when the day for the contest finally arrived.

The man had to put the hog in a large horse trailer just to get him to the fair grounds.

When he got there, he noticed animals of all sorts at the unloading zone. There were horses, cows, ducks, chickens, goats, sheep, and even monkeys.

He went to the back of the trailer to unload his hog. As he opened the trailer gate, he noticed that the green leaves to the carrot were showing a little bit out of the big hogs behind. He was just about to tuck them back in when a monkey ran up and grabbed the big carrot and pulled it out.

It was as if a bomb had exploded. The man was thrust backwards about 10 yards. Hog poop covered everything within 20 yards of the hog. The man hit his head when he hit the ground and passed out.

He woke up a bit later in the back of an ambulance. The local Sheriff came over to ask him about the explosion. The Sheriff asked, What was the last thing you remember?

The man put one hand over his eyes and with a fist in the other hand started thrusting in front of his face as if he were boxing someone he couldn’t see.

He said, All I can remember is that poor little monkey trying to put the carrot back.

Moral

It never pays to cheat. In the end, you will just make a big mess of yourself.

3. Bruno

TIP: This joke has been told many ways since I first heard it. The key here is to get your audience feeling sorry for the boy early on. Facial expressions and even pantomime helps build empathy for the boy early in the joke. Acted out correctly, you can get your audience to start laughing well before the punch line. Use sound effects and facial expressions when explaining the toots. That will help build a tremendous laugh at the punchline.

A young boy had been invited to his new girlfriend’s house for dinner with her parents. He was extremely nervous about meeting her parents. He was so nervous that he developed a tummy ache.

Right as he knocked on the girls door, a little toot of a gas escaped him. The Mother of his girlfriend answered the door but didn’t seem to smell the toot at all.

Even though his tummy hurt pretty bad, he was able to keep from tooting for a while. But, right after the Father had finished saying grace, the boy accidentally let a little toot out. Everybody was saying Amen when he let it out, but the Mother might have heard it.

She looked over under the boys chair and said Bruno.

The boy was pleased to find that their dog whose name was Bruno was sitting underneath his chair. The Mother must have heard the toot and thought it was Bruno. The boy was so relieved.

His tummy was still hurting pretty bad so he decided he would let out another toot. To disguise his plan, he asked for the Mother to pass the biscuits please. As soon as he asked, he let out a few little toots.

Thhhdd, Thhhuddd, thhuuuddddd

The Mother immediately exclaimed Bruno!

His plan had worked. Everybody must think it’s the dog. The problem was the dog raised his head and started to move. Luckily, Bruno didn’t move and placed his head back on the floor.

The boy felt better, and his stomach didn’t hurt as bad, but he thought he should go ahead and let the rest of the gas out while Bruno was still under his